FROM VERNON COLEMAN

Question

My best friend always goes out with older men. When I asked her why she said that young blokes are usually not very good in bed. I think she's right. For a few months I went out with a gorgeous looking guy. All my girlfriends were really jealous of me. He knew he was beautiful and he spent a fortune on clothes and hair cuts. But in bed he was a total disaster. I found our sex life pretty frustrating. He was also really boring and dull. I don't think we ever really had a proper conversation. All he could talk about was clothes, hair cuts and muscles. The man I'm going out with now is twenty years older than I am. He is far more interesting - and a much better lover.

Answer

In the search for truth I commissioned Eva Legova and a team of eager beauties to test your friend's claim. They reported that older men are much better at pleasing a woman - and longer lasting in bed.

`The only downside,' reported Eva, `is that older men are unlikely to be able to make love as many times a night as younger men.'

Question

I am appalled at the way the BBC seems to have been taken over by Lefties.

Answer

I am even more worried by the fact that if I want to watch television in my home I have to pay a subsidy to the BBC - whose programmes I never watch. A TV licence fee seems to me to be a legally enforceable contribution to the Labour party's propaganda machine. And that is really offensive. What next? Are we all going to be forced to pay for Tony Blair's holidays in Tuscany?

Question

I am still seething about the case of the metric martyr. I was appalled that a man should be taken to court (and found guilty) for selling fruit and vegetables in pounds and ounces. What on earth has happened to this country?

Answer

I don't see how selling bananas by the pound can possibly threaten the peace or the security of the State. It doesn't hurt anyone - except the dictators who like to think that they are ruling our lives totally and absolutely. This case was all about freedom. Our freedom. This is a decision which should be taken by the people, not by flimsy brained politicians. Why shouldn't we be allowed to buy and sell bananas by the rod, the perch, the bunch or the barrel if we want to? When did we ever give the State the right to interfere with the way we do legal business with one another? Oil is sold globally by the barrel. Is the government going to have the guts to tell the Arabs that it has to be sold by the litre? I doubt it. They have more respect for the Arabs than they have for us.

Question

I went to a fancy dress party the other night dressed as a tart. My boobs were half hanging out of my blouse and my skirt was so short that it didn't reach the top of my stockings. My husband was a bit shocked at first but before the evening was over he was very obviously excited by it all. We stopped the car on the way home and made love on the back seat. It's the first time we've done anything so spontaneous for years. Afterwards he confessed that he had been very aroused by watching me walk around with most of my body on display. And he said that he found it exciting to watch other men staring at me. I found it all a turn on too. Are we perverts? I'm very worried about this because I work in a bank and he is an accountant and we don't usually behave like this.

Answer

Stop worrying about the label and enjoy the consequences. It sounds as if your dirty dressing gave your sex life a very welcome boost. I suggest that you get yourselves invited to more fancy dress parties. Or, for real fun, just tart yourself up for your weekly supermarket shopping trip.

Question

I joined an animal rights group six weeks ago. I left last week because I was fed up of being attacked for wearing leather shoes and eating cheese. Some of the people in the group seemed more anxious to attack me than hunters or vivisectors!

Answer

Sadly, self righteousness, narrow mindedness and an inability to see the big picture are qualities which seem only too common among animal rights activists. Animal abuse is the ultimate, final form of racism and it won't end until those who claim to fight for animals learn to direct their attacks a little more usefully.

Question

My girlfriend says that men who wear one earring are gay. Is she right?

Answer

Not necessarily. A survey of 100 men wearing one earring showed that 15% were gay, 16% couldn't afford to buy two earrings, 2% were pirates and the rest had started out with two but had lost one.

Question

I am glad that you don't like computers. They drive me crazy. The software which is supposed to make them work seems to create more problems than it solves. And if my car was as reliable as my computer I would take about twelve hours to get to work every morning.

Answer

Matt E Mulchen, this column's official house painter and a certified idiot, insists that the best way to tackle delicate sensitive electrical equipment such as computers is to stamp on the floor nearby. He says that if this doesn't work then a clout around the hard drive with a cricket bat will usually do the trick. I strongly disagree with this suggestion - and with all forms of violence. I feel that the best way to deal with computers is to avoid them completely. I write this column using a chisel and a large piece of stone.

Question

I recently saw a magazine which contained a feature about what a celebrity kept in his cupboards! Why on earth do celebrities allow their privacy to be invaded in this absurd and rather sad way?

Answer

I cannot possibly imagine - though it does occur to me that those who write about such irrelevances, and those who read the subsequent trash, are as sad as the sometimes minor and, I suspect, often soon to be forgotten celebrities who are so desperate for publicity that they do not know the meaning of dignity. Curiously, these individuals are usually the first to complain when they feel that what is left of their privacy has been invaded by the press. It is my view that anyone who ever deliberately bares a cupboard or a refrigerator to public scrutiny has forfeited the right to any privacy.

Question

We are English and live in Wales. Our daughter recently started school. We were shocked to discover that she is being taught Welsh as a first language!

Answer

Teaching Welsh as a first language is criminal - it is deliberately intellectually disabling a child. I suggest that you find another school or, if necessary, another country, where teachers are responsible enough to realise that it is their job to prepare children for the real world rather than to indulge their own petty fancies.

Question

A friend of mine tells me that by following your advice he managed to bring down his blood pressure. He had been told by his doctor that he would have to take pills for life. Now he doesn't take any pills at all. How did you do that?

Answer

There's plenty of evidence showing that it is possible to bring down your blood pressure by making simple changes to your lifestyle. I regularly receive letters from readers who have successfully managed to do just that. The advice is available on my telephone advice line `Can High Blood Pressure Be Controlled Without Drugs?' The number is 0901 560 7856.(Charges as below).

Question

What on earth has happened to rail travel in Britain. I never thought I would welcome a return of British Rail. But even that was better than what we've got now. Our railways are a national embarrassment.

Answer

When the Welsh Princess and I turned up at Taunton to catch a train to London we discovered that the train for which we had booked tickets did not exist. (This was no surprise. Our local train company seems to delight in handing out reservations on imaginary trains.) And so we boarded an earlier train which had been delayed by a landslip. (Modern rail travel is a constant source of excitement.) After we had been on board for twenty minutes or so the train hit something on the line. It rocked and swayed alarmingly and there was a powerful smell of diesel from a ruptured fuel tank. It turned out that the `something' which our train had hit was a sheep. Even if farmers don't bother checking their fences surely the railway company has a responsibility to check that animals cannot wander onto the line? Rail travel in Britain has become something of a lottery. These days travellers who arrive at their destination safely are invariably far too relieved to complain if their train is an hour or two late (as it probably will be).

Question

I have been married for six years and I still don't like sex. It isn't painful but don't get anything out of it and I can't see the point of it. I've never had an `orgasm' (if such things really exist). Are there really women who enjoy sex?

Answer

Yes, I'm delighted to be able to tell you that there are millions of women in the UK who enjoy sex. I suggest that you ring my advice line `Solutions For Women With Sex Problems' on 0901 560 7853 (Charges as below). This phone line deals with vaginismus and also provides advice for women who don't have orgasms.

Question

My husband and I aren't actually married but the neighbours think we are. Our census form was delivered by our next door neighbour and so I fibbed a bit when filling in the question asking whether we were married. Now I feel worried that I'll get into trouble if they find out.

Answer

Stop worrying. The census idiots couldn't even ask sensible questions. I very much doubt if they'll be able to understand the answers they get. And how are they going to find out that you filled something in wrongly? And, if they do find out and they tell anyone then they'll surely be breaking their own confidentiality rules so they ought to get into more trouble than you will.

COMMENT

We all need to escape from this world occasionally. I feel that the best way is into a well made movie. Here are thirty of the best movies ever made - guaranteed to help you escape from the misery and despair of this cruel and wicked world - just for an hour or two. Some will make you laugh, some will make you think, some will make you feel good and some will do all three. All are movies so good that you can lose yourself in them - and for an hour or two forget the seedy, corrupt, despairing world of Tony Bliar & Co.

1. Some Like It Hot - Jack Lemon, Tony Curtis
2. My Favourite Year - Peter O'Toole
3. Five Easy Pieces - Jack Nicholson and Karen Black
4. Night At The Opera - the adorable Marx Brothers
5. Jour de Fete - Jacques Tati
6. Casablanca - Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman, Peter Lorre, Sydney Greenstreet and Paul Heindrich
7. The Odd Couple - Walter Matthau & Jack Lemon
8. Let It Ride - Richard Dreyfuss
9. Hopscotch - Walter Matthau
10. The Blues Brothers - Ackroyd and Belushi.
11. As Good As It Gets - Jack Nicholson
12. Mr Holland's Opus - Richard Dreyfuss
13. The Third Man - Joseph Cotten, Orson Welles, Trevor Howard
14. It's a Wonderful Life - James Stewart
15. Usual Suspects - Kevin Spacey, Gay Burne, Pete Postlethwaite
16. Thirty Nine Steps, Robert Donat.
17. Get Shorty - John Travolta, Danny de Vito
18. Singing In The Rain - Gene Kelly, Donald O'Connor, Debbie Reynolds
19. Philadelphia Story - Cary Grant, Frank Sinatra, Grace Kelly
20. Separate Tables - David Niven, Burt Lancaster, Deborah Kerr
21. MASH - Donald Sutherland and Elliot Gould
22. Midnight Cowboy - Dustin Hoffman, Jon Voigt
23. Trains, Planes and Automobiles - Steve Martin, John Candy
24. Holiday in Rome - Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn
25. The Great Escape - Steve McQueen, James Garner
26. The Producers - Mel Brooks, Gene Wilder
27. The Great Race - Jack Lemmon, Tony Curtis
28. Sunset Boulevard - Gloria Swanson, William Holden
29. The Shootist - John Wayne
30. Dances with Wolves - Kevin Costner

HEALTH MEMO

`I think we're far too lenient on teenage hooligans,' wrote one reader recently, echoing the thoughts of thousands of others. `Most of the time the police won't do anything (often because they're too busy setting up radar traps to catch motorists). And when the hooligans are caught the courts are unwilling to do much. Animal rights demonstrators get treated much more harshly than muggers and vandals. I don't think our streets will be safe until we start giving these hooligans some of their own medicine. The authorities seem to want us to understand and forgive. I'm fed up of understanding and forgiving. When I turn the other cheek I get that one slapped as well. The worst offenders need a good thrashing and locking up. I bet you won't agree with me but all this making me ill. I lie awake at night worrying about the hooligans in the street below and I'm frightened to go out of my own home'

But I do agree.

The honest, decent, kind, warm hearted members of our community have been taken advantage of long enough.

And the nasty, the sneaky, the cruel and the wicked get fussed over by social workers and given generous handouts by a government which seems to care more about the guilty than the innocent.

What the authorities seem to forget is that one in 200 individuals are psychopaths.
They don't care about anyone or anything. They have no humility, no sensibilities and no loyalties except to themselves. They often enjoy inflicting pain and causing damage. They won't be cured by promises of foreign holidays or free CDs and they sneer at soft social workers and politicians who blame a harsh, impoverished upbringing for their wickedness.

Psychopaths aren't created by a harsh background. They're born that way.
Thousands of kids who are brought up in deprived areas, by poor parents, become honest, caring citizens.

I don't want to see a return to the days when criminals were treated without respect or dignity.

If we treat the bad guys without dignity then we are the real losers - for we lose our dignity and self respect too.

But the pendulum needs to swing the other way.

We need a little more care, sympathy and understanding for the victims and a little less for the psychopaths.

THE THINGS THEY SAY

`The best government is that which governs least.'
John L O'Sullivan

STRANGE BUT TRUE