Simple rules of thumb which might help make life go more
1. When you find a product which
works efficiently, effectively and economically the manufacturer will stop
making it. So buy a few spares.
2. Expensive pieces of equipment
invariably break down the day after the guarantee runs out. So give them a good
work-out as the final day of the guarantee approaches.
3. You never
really need a second helping of anything - especially pudding.
you are invited to give a speech and the person inviting you assures you that
you will only be expected to talk for half an hour remember that it will
invariably take at least half a day to get there and at least half a day to get
home. And you will take fifty times as long to research and write your speech as
the speech will last. (So the average half hour speech will probably take up
five days of your life.)
5. Stop eating the moment you think you might
have had enough to eat and you won't ever get fat.
equipment is coming down in price so fast that the old stuff isn't worth having
repaired professionally. Take a deep breath, chuck it away and buy something
7. If you are self-employed then twenty percent of the work you do
will be responsible for eighty percent of the money you earn.
buy a piece of kitchen equipment or a tool that doesn't have the maker's name
permanently engraved upon it. If the maker isn't proud enough to identify
himself he probably doesn't expect the item to last long enough for you to be
satisfied with it.
9. A caller who dials the wrong number will always
ring again two minutes later and will seem just as surprised to find that they
have the wrong number as they were the first time.
10. When you get put
on hold by a telephone call stacking system an automated voice will stop you
concentrating on doing anything else by apologising every thirty
11. If you file it you'll never need it again. If you don't file
it you'll never find it again.
12. If you want to get anything done you
will have to make a nuisance of yourself - and become unpopular with at least
13. When things go wrong the most obvious and best solution
will be the one no one likes to suggest because everyone will assume that such
an obvious solution can't possibly be any good.
14. People under sixty
invariably arrive late. People over sixty invariably arrive early or not at all.
15. Something you didn't really need but bought anyway will always
appear in the sale, at a heavily discounted price, within two weeks. But if you
don't buy it then it will never appear in the sale.
16. The quickest way
to check out a nursing home is to sniff the moment you walk through the door. If
you can smell urine walk straight out again.
17. When you start a new
job or move to a new area be wary of people who are very friendly and anxious to
make you feel comfortable.
18. When you unwrap your shopping the waste
packaging will not fit into the bag you used to bring the items home with
19. People who criticise are like eunuchs. They know how it is done.
They have seen it done. But they can't do it themselves.
20. Never fight
a bureaucratic organisation. You can't beat a large organisation because it will
always have more time, more patience and more money than you have. Organisations
don't get tired, they don't feel guilty and they don't become embarrassed. Nor
do they worry about losing their jobs. If you want to win, pick a fight with a
specific individual within the organisation.
For more advice on how
to survive, read Why Everything Is Going To Get Worse Before It Gets Better
(And What You Can Do About It) by Vernon Coleman, published by Blue Books at
£15.95 and available through the bookshop on this Web site (or through all good
Copyright Vernon Coleman