D is for Diarrhoea, F is for Flatulence, P is for Piles

Dr Vernon Coleman MB ChB DSc

The authorities have decided to abandon the official ‘alphabet’ which has, for so many years, been used by air traffic controllers and policemen.

After complaints about ‘W for whisky’ (offensive to recovering alcoholics), ‘Y for Yankee’, (offensive to Americans), ‘J for Juliet’ (inexplicably offensive to Juliets) and ‘G for Golf’ (regarded as too middle class by the BBC) the authorities have asked me to compile a new alphabetical aid.

Here it is:

A for Angina
B for Bottom
C for Colic
D for Diarrhoea
E for Earache
F for Flatulence
G for Gastritis
H for Hangover
I for Indigestion
J for Jaundice
K for Kinky
L for Liver
M for Metatarsophalangeal
N for Nipple
O for Ointment
P for Piles
Q for Quinsy
R for Rigor Mortis
S for Sphincter
T for Toenails
U for Undress (as in go behind the screen and undress please)
V for Verucca
W for Waterworks
X for X-ray
Y for Yeast infection
Z for Zits

I have donated this new alphabetical aid free of charge to the world. Please pass it on to your friends, neighbours and colleagues so that they can stop using the old, banned, boring, offensive system and ensure that they are using the up-to-date alphabet nomenclature.

Copyright Vernon Coleman 2017

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