OTHER PEOPLE’S PROBLEMS

The Ways Of The World

My son is 19 years old and has never had a girlfriend. My husband is worried about him and says that he should be sowing wild oats by now. He says that there must be something seriously wrong with a boy of 19 whose every waking hour is not dominated by thinking about girls. He wants to take our son to a local prostitute to 'initiate' him into what he calls 'the ways of the world'. I find the idea distasteful and my husband and I have had serious arguments about it. What do you think?

Your husband's suggestion is perhaps not quite as outrageous or as original as it sounds. French aristocrats often used to take their sons of twelve or thirteen years along to their own favourite courtesans - though that was to make sure that they learned how to be good, considerate lovers and didn't disappoint their brides on their wedding nights. Nevertheless, I think that you would be wise to let your son decide for himself where, when and with whom he loses his virginity. Unless your husband is a regular customer of local prostitutes and knows one who will guarantee your fumbling son a loving reception the experience is as likely to be disastrously anxiety inducing as it is to be a successful introduction to a lifetime of happy sex.

Flattery And Honour

I have received a letter telling me that I am being considered for an honour by my old college. But there are many things about the college which I no longer approve of and although I'm flattered by the honour I don't feel entirely comfortable about accepting it. I have, indeed, been a fairly vocal critic of some of the college's policies. What do you think I should do?

You should turn down the honour and explain exactly why you are turning it down. If you accept an honour then you are publicly allying yourself with the institution which is awarding you the honour. And how can you criticise the college in future if you have accepted an honour? Anyone who accepts an honour from an organisation is adding whatever credence, credibility and prestige they may have to the organisation concerned. Governments, monarchs and institutions constantly seek to win favour, support (and, sometimes, silence) by handing out awards and honours.

Second Class Citizen

I work in education. I'm white and male and I'm beginning to feel like a second class citizen. I've applied for promotion on several occasions. Each time I've been told that my qualifications are perfect and my work record perfect. But each time the job has been given to someone else. On four occasions the 'someone else' has been female, black and had fewer qualifications and less experience than I have. I'm beginning to feel that I have no chance of ever getting anywhere. I have always been fervently opposed to racism but it seems to me that I am now suffering from racist policies.

The process you describe is well established in South Africa where it is known as 'affirmative action'. The excuse is that since blacks have been discriminated against for years there now needs to be some discrimination against whites in order to redress the balance. I think 'affirmative action' is dangerous for it will eventually lead to a backlash. How much longer before hordes of middle aged white males troop onto the streets and start storming the citadels from whence these dangerous ideas are disseminated? Meanwhile, the process you describe has spread far and wide. One white male author I know sent a book typescript to several publishers. None of them were interested. A few months later he persuaded a black woman friend to send the same typescript to the same publishers. Several of them were wildly enthusiastic and made offers for the book. The moral seems clear enough. In future I will be writing under the name Dr Blodwyn Ngwanda.

The Christmas Party

My boss kissed me at our Christmas Party. While he was kissing me he fondled my breasts through my dress. I haven't been able to think about anything else since then. I think I have fallen in love with him. I've worked under him for three years but had never before realised that he felt this way about me. How do I tell him the way I feel?

I think I must have missed something. Maybe a page of your letter got lost in the post. I hate to be boringly realistic but don't you think it could be possible that you may be reading just a little too much into your boss's behaviour? Isn't it possible that you were simply groped by a man who was a little overfull of Christmas spirit? I think you should wait until you get your breasts fondled a second time before you start sending out the wedding invitations.

A Painful Kiss

I tried to kiss my girlfriend but she gave me a black eye. She said that if I try again she will blacken my other eye. Do you think I should try again?

Not until you've taken boxing lessons.

A Sensitive Person

My daughter is not able to work because of her nerves. She finds travel on public transport a trial and is a very sensitive person. She is seven stones overweight and is very conscious of this. She has been given numerous diets but finds losing weight very difficult. She cannot possibly be expected to take on a job and put up with comments from co-workers. The authorities have declared that she is fit for employment and have told her that unless she looks for a job her benefit will stop. How can my daughter appeal against this decision?

I haven't the foggiest idea. And I don't intend to waste any effort finding out. You seem to me to be absurdly protective and your daughter seems to be whingeing and self obsessed. I know of people without limbs who struggle to work so that they can support themselves. They're paying taxes to keep your fat child slumped in front of the telly. Why should your daughter's obesity entitle her to evade her personal and social responsibilities? If she wants to get more fun out of life then she should make a genuine effort to stop stuffing her fat face with food her body doesn't need.

Raunchy Magazines In The Toolshed

I've been married for eight years and our love life is rather dull. Sex never lasts more than five or ten minutes. We only ever do it one way (the missionary position, of course). I had assumed that this must be because my husband was not terribly interested in sex but yesterday I found a pile of really raunchy magazines in the toolshed (I had gone in there to find a screwdriver to mend the kettle). I also found some pornographic stories my husband had written (presumably for his own pleasure). In these he describes all sorts of things - such as oral sex - that we've never done together. I wasn't shocked or horrified by the discovery - just frustrated and disappointed that he hasn't tried any of these things with me.

Women have the vote and control most of the nation's money but emancipation still hasn't reached the bedroom. Like you most women still feel that they must wait for their male partner to make all the moves in bed. They have a deep rooted suspicion that if they let their feelings show they will shock or embarrass their husbands.

This wouldn't matter so much if men weren't so often frightened of or intimidated by their partners. An unpublished and entirely unreliable survey conducted by a group of bitter and twisted researchers showed that at least 88% of men are frightened of their wives.

And the result is that sex is something that most people think about a lot but do rarely. As you have now discovered your husband has a perfectly normal interest in sex. Most healthy, men think about sex most of the time. They fantasise about sex. And they like looking at pictures of naked or semi naked women. If sexual fantasies could be exchanged for productivity the Europeans would leave the Japanese standing.

Your husband's apparent indifference in bed is clearly due only to shyness and a feeling that you might be upset or offended if he suggested anything a little more erotic. So you must turn him on and release his innermost urges.

Here's what to do.

Next time you are in bed together whisper something sexy into his ear. Tell him, for example, that you read about oral sex and that you wonder what it's like. Ask him if he would mind terribly much if you tried it. That's all.

This Way Up

My son is always embarrassing me. My husband bought me some sexy underwear for Christmas and my six year old saw it. On Boxing Day, in the middle of a large family dinner, he announced to everyone, in a very loud voice, that Father Christmas had given mummy a pair of panties with the words 'This Way Up' printed on the front. I nearly died of embarrassment.

There isn't anything you can do to stop your children embarrass ing you. It is one of the things that children do best. But be patient and bide your time because when your son is a little older you will be able to get your own back. When you take him on his first date wear your dressing gown and carpet slippers. As he rushes off to meet his mates get out of the car and ask him (in a very loud voice) if he remembered to put a vest on. When he blushes and protests tell him firmly that he's not to kiss any girls and that he must be home by ten at the very latest.

Most Of My Friends Are Perverts

When I was on holiday with my fiancee I admitted to her that I am a transvestite. She allowed me to put some of her clothes on but then said she didn't like it and thought it was perverted. Since we got home I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I just want to dress up and go out with her. What can I say to her to make her see I am not a pervert. Please help me because I am getting depressed just thinking about it.

A pervert is someone who overturns the established order of things. Someone who threw the Prime Minister out of office would, by definition, be a pervert. Anyone who protests against established authority is a pervert. Most of my friends are, I'm pleased to say, perverts. And I am quite definitely a pervert. So, don't worry about your girlfriend thinking that you are a pervert.

Try to explain to your girlfriend that, in the scheme of things, cross dressing is a pretty mild perversion. You like putting on a pair of knickers and a frock occasionally. So, wow, does that make some sort of fiend? Transvestism is a cheaper hobby than golf, more socially acceptable than train spotting, doesn't have any known side effects and is a better form of relaxation than taking pills. It has, in the past, been practised by whole nations. Around the world it is currently practised by millions of happily married heterosexuals who have given the phrase 'I'd like to get into her knickers' a brand new meaning. (Homosexuality is less common among transvestites than it is among non-transvestites). Moreover, your girlfriend might take some comfort from the knowledge that you don't want to go out with other women - you just want to dress like them.

Sadness And Anguish

I am a young woman who is desperate to end a short lifetime of sadness and anguish. I really cannot take any more of life. I have attempted suicide but was condemned to more time on this earth by a well meaning neighbour. My family were devastated and made me promise never to try anything like it again. I have tried hard for them but I know I will not last much longer. I have tried to explain to them but they are adamant that it is wrong. How can I get them to see that it is for the best that I die? I do not have the inner strength to cope with life. I hope you, at least, will understand me.

You are never going to be able to convince your family that dy- ing is the only solution to your constant sadness and despair. They will never understand that for you life holds no attraction. And they will always try to dissuade you from a solution they can neither understand nor accept. So, since you are doomed to remain an unwilling member of the human race why not find a cause to which you can dedicate your life? If you genuinely feel that you have no reason to live and yet know that you cannot die use your skills, your determination, your voice and whatever hours, days, weeks, months and years remain to fight against something which you feel is unjust. Battle against cruelty and you may find a passion for life that you never before knew existed.

He Was Married

I went out with a man for quite a few years. I thought we had a really good relationship. He talked of us living together and even getting married. Then suddenly he stopped seeing me. Eventually he sent me a note to say that he had been married all the time. How can I ever trust anyone again?

Not everyone is as deceitful as this man. After this miserable experience you will, inevitably, feel distrustful and suspicious for some considerable time. But try not to let this individual colour your view of all other men. With a little luck you will meet someone whom you can slowly learn to trust. There are many men out there in the world who are looking for real love; many of them have been hurt by women and are now just as suspicious of the opposite sex as you are.

A Loose Woman

My daughter, who is eighteen, saw a pornographic movie at a friend's house recently. I am very worried. Do you think that she will now become a pervert or a loose woman?

Stop worrying. If pornographic movies and magazines corrupted or influenced the minds of those who watch or read them then magistrates and police officers who view and then confiscate such material would clearly be corrupted. Since they aren't corrupted, and remain upright, sensitive and law abiding citizens, it is clear that pornography is not evil.

A Belated Discovery

My husband died some time ago. I have now found that I can have an orgasm by myself. Will this be harmful to me. I am 84 years old.

You have, rather belatedly, discovered masturbation. It will not harm you.

A Sporting Girl

I have been married for four years and have got used to the fact that I don't see much of my husband. He works away from home for several months a year. Although he has always sent me money I got into debt about six months ago and when the bank threatened to repossess our home I went to a local money lender whose name I got from a friend. The trouble was that the interest rate the money lender charged was so high that I couldn't keep up with the payments. The money lender offered to let me off some of the interest payments if I had sex with him. I didn't want to do it but I didn't have any choice. Then the money lender told me about a friend of his who could help me earn some money by having sex with men at a club in town. It seemed the easy way out and so I agreed. I thought I'd pay off my debts and then stop. But when my husband got home last week he found out what I've been doing. I expected him to be furious and to throw me out but instead he told me he wants me to carry on having sex for money. He says that if I do he'll be able to give up work and stay at home all year round.

What do YOU want to do? If you really want to be what the French used to call a 'sporting girl' then your husband's support for your choice of career may be welcome; though he must be careful not to be accused of living off your immoral earnings and you must both beware of the inevitable employment hazards. (How is it, I wonder, that the relatives of politicians and drug company employees are never arrested for living off 'immoral earnings'?). But if you now want to retire and hang up your 5 inch red high heels you should say 'no' and be firm about it.

Putting Himself Down

My husband doesn't seem to have much confidence. I think he's wonderful but he's always putting himself down. How can I help him have more faith in himself?

Make sure that every day you tell him exactly how wonderful you think he is. And, as a special treat and to bring a real smile to his face tell him that your best friend thinks he is the sexiest man she's ever seen.

Dirty Knickers

A friend of mine recently asked me to help her out with her mail order business. She advertises in mens' magazines and sells her dirty knickers to men who send cheques or postal orders in the post. Her problem is that she can't get through enough knickers to satisfy the demand. So now I buy knickers in packs of six and get through two or three packs a day. I don't wash any of them but just pass them on to my friend who pays me twice what I paid for them and sells them to her customers. I'm now making more out of this than I am out of my full time job as a school cleaner. Now my friend wants me to help her find more women to help satisfy the demand. She wants me to get half a dozen women doing what I do. I've worked out that if I say 'yes' I could make a small fortune. Do you think I should do it?

I'd love to see you perform a mime of what you do for the 'What's My Line?' panel. And I'd be fascinated to know what sort of category your work would put you into. It is, I suppose more 'white knicker' than 'blue collar'. Is there a career structure? What sort of training programme are you prepared to offer to new employees? And if your bottom gets bigger and you take a bigger size in knickers does that count as business expansion?

I mentioned your business project to an advisor at a merchant bank. He thinks it is one of the most exciting businesses around today. In fact it is the only growth area he can think of.

And I think it says something about our society that you can earn more selling dirty knickers than most university graduates can earn after many years of study.

Yes, I certainly think you should help your friend expand the business. My friend the merchant banker feels that maybe you should even consider buying your own knicker factory to cut down your costs. He says that you should at least investigate the possibility of buying your knickers wholesale.

Unethical, Immoral And Unforgivable

I recently discovered that I have leukaemia. I was angry to find out that my doctor has known about this for eighteen months. He says he didn't tell me because he 'didn't want to worry me'. Is this common? What right does he have to keep such important information from me? I have always asked him to tell me the truth about my health and there is nothing in my medical history which would suggest that I am not capable of dealing with this information.

If your accountant failed to tell you the truth about your finances you would think him mad and irresponsible. If a car mechanic found something seriously wrong with your car - but didn't tell you because he didn't want to upset you - you would, quite rightly, protest. Your doctor's failure to tell you the truth - or at least to ask you if you would like to know the truth - is in my view completely unethical, immoral and unforgivable. The doctor-patient relationship is built on trust and respect and it is incidents like the one you have described which have destroyed the foundations of the relationship.

I Love Sex

I am in my early 40s and I love sex. I have been in a couple of long term relationships since my divorce and now I am single. I look happily married when I am out. Other than wearing a big badge saying: 'I'm single: get your clothes off' or dressing up like a tart I don't know what to do. I am not into wham bam thank you maam one night stands. I was hoping I'd find a tall, good looking 35-40 year old man in my Christmas stocking - but no such luck.

There must be thousands of reasonably tall, relatively good look ing men in your approved age range who are keen - nay desperate - to meet you. It seems a cruel waste for anyone with your sense of fun and love for sex to have to keep warm with an electric blanket. What's your favourite hobby? Whatever it is - football, embroidery, deep sea diving or campanology - there must be clubs you can join where you'll be mobbed by men with similar interests.

The Womaniser

I have fallen in love with a man who has a terrible reputation as a womaniser. All my friends tell me that he will dump me as soon as he gets bored (most of them have already been to bed with him and know him from bitter, personal experience). The problem is that he is charming and he is terrific in bed. What do I do?

You can either give him up now and be extremely miserable or you can wait until he gives you up and be extremely miserable then. On balance I think you might as well wait and enjoy the good times. Who knows, the world may end tomorrow.

What's The Point Of Foreplay?

What's the point of foreplay? My wife always wants to spend ages on sex. She likes me to do things like kiss her breasts and stroke her thighs before I get down to business but it all seems a bit of a waste of time to me. The best bit of sex is the orgasm so why waste time messing around with the chores beforehand.

I suspect that many readers will be as surprised as I am to read that you regard kissing your wife's breasts and stroking her thighs as 'chores'. Many people (men as well as women) find these tasks extremely pleasant. Moreover, there is some evidence to show that longer, better foreplay leads to longer and more explosive orgasms.

However, I think I may have a solution for you. Some top surgeons ask their assistants to perform the preliminary work (cutting open the patient and finding the organs which need repair). They themselves only appear in the operating theatre when the heart, gall bladder, brain, kidney or whatever is exposed and ready to be dealt with. Once the most vital bits of the operation have been completed they leave the assistant to sew the patient back up again.

Maybe you could find a friend or neighbour to take over the sexual tasks which you find unrewarding. You yourself could then take over at the last moment, have your orgasm and then leave your friend to lie beside your wife, stare at the ceiling and tell her how much you love her.

Having A Good Time

Surely the widespread use of condoms is simply a sign that more and more people are now having sex with partners they hardly know.

Let's not be hypocritical about this. When a man or woman uses a condom to protect themselves from infection they are effectively saying: 'I don't know very much about this person but I'm going to have sex with them because we're both willing, I feel randy and with any luck at all it will be more fun than masturbating or watching television.' When the same individual uses a condom to protect them against parenthood they are effectively saying: 'I'm having sex for the pleasure it gives.' But when they have sex with someone they don't know is faithful to them, or someone with whom they don't want to have a baby, and they don't use a condom they are effectively saying that they don't care about tomorrow and are going to have a good time whatever the consequences.

I'm In Love With My Son's Girlfriend

I am a 44 year old woman. Recently my son and his girlfriend came to stay for a week. One evening I went into the bathroom and found her there stepping out of the bath. She looked so beautiful that I just stared at her for what seemed like hours. I then apologised and left. I now can't stop thinking about her and I feel bad about this. I think I've fallen in love with her, though I know I'm not gay.

It sounds to me as though your love has been inspired simply by your son's girlfriend's beauty - rather than by any sexual urges.

And real beauty - whether it is a painting, a sculpture, a book, a piece of music, a stretch of countryside or a human body - is always captivating. Why on earth shouldn't you admire another woman's body without feeling guilty? The chances are that it is twenty years since you've seen firm breasts and soft skinned thighs and you'd forgotten just how beautiful a woman's body can be.

There are women who get angry with their husbands or boyfriends when they spot them feasting their eyes on other women. (Equally there are men who get angry with their wives or girlfriends when they see them looking at other men). When the feasting of the eyes is clearly lascivious or lustful and seems likely to lead to more than mere visual delight then the anger may be justified but when the intention is innocent it seems to me dangerous to object for this is likely simply to lead to secrecy and furtiveness. Window shopping is only hazardous when it turns into compulsive buying.

Diseases To Worry About

I thought you had already established that the threat of AIDS had been exaggerated by ignorant politicians and by people with a vested interest in 'selling us' the plague theory. But I have recently seen one or two quotes from people who still seem to claim that AIDS is going to kill us all.

AIDS is still the biggest source of research funds in the world.

And there are still thousands of people who have their own reasons for wanting to perpetuate the AIDS myth for as long as possible. There are still folk around claiming that every other person already has AIDS that and we will all be dead of the disease by tomorrow lunchtime. AIDS is a serious and deadly hazard, but in my view, if you want to worry about major killer diseases worry about the plague, TB and mad cow disease.

Love, Lust And Infatuation

How do you know if you are in love? I think I am but I've never been in love before so I'm not sure. What is the difference between love, lust and infatuation?

You are in lust when your feelings about someone are more or less entirely physical, causing irresistible genital stirrings and a desperate yearning to bonk the object of your desire senseless. Love at first sight is usually lust at first sight. Infatuation is an obsession with someone. You can be infatuated with someone you have never met. People get infatuated with pop stars and school teachers. Love is more complicated than either lust or infatuation. Love is wanting to be with someone, share things with them, look after them, protect them and hold them. Love is affection and friendship more than sheer sex. You'll know for sure that you are in love when you suddenly realise that you are kissing your best friend.

A High Sex Drive

I have - and always have had - a very high sex drive. My husband has a very low sex drive. I enjoy sex very much and if I don't have an orgasm once or twice a week I become edgy and irritable. He is happy having sex once a month at most - and I suspect he wouldn't mind very much if we never did it at all. I enjoy sex too much to want to reduce my sex drive but is there any way that my husband can increase his? I am worried that if we carry on the way we are I may be tempted to have an affair. I work in an office with several dishy men and I know that several of them would be only too willing to go to bed with me if I made myself available.

Your husband's sex drive will increase if he has more sex. So maybe you should try a real effort to get him a little more interested in what you have to offer. Have you tried all the usual methods (skimpy underwear, stockings and suspenders, exotic perfume) of encouraging your husband to take more interest in sex? If you haven't then a small outlay on a few ounces of diaphanous lingerie might pay good dividends. If that fails then you are, I'm afraid, going to have to take your sexual future into your own hands. In order to ensure that you don't get blisters on your fingers I suggest that you invest in a small collection of heavy duty vibrators and a couple of packs of long lasting batteries.

Worried About The Size Of My Penis

I am very worried about the size of my penis. I have had three girlfriends and none of them have actually complained but I have always been conscious of the fact that my organ is probably rather on the small side. I seem to remember that there are exercises a man can do to increase the size of his penis. Can you please tell me what they are?

I don't recommend surgery or creams but here's an experimental exercise you can try for a temporary increase in penis size. First, take off your clothes. Next, get a female friend to strip off to her undies and pose in front of you enticingly. You should notice a temporary but fairly speedy and probably dramatic increase in the size of your organ. (If you don't have a willing female friend buy a suitable magazine and open it at a page you find arousing). Isn't science fun?

My Life Is Dull

My life is unbelievably dull. I get up every day and plod through my work but nothing seems to mean anything any more. I have a fairly responsible job but to be honest I can do what I do without ever exerting myself. I am not in the slightest bit depressed but I realised the other day that I couldn't really care less whether I lived or died. I don't feel sad or miserable. I don't really feel anything. What do you think is the matter with me?

If you rely on life's daily trivialities to provide you with real satis- faction you will, inevitably, be dissatisfied. Paying your gas bill before you get the red reminder, making sure that 500 ballcocks get to Milton Keynes by a week on Thursday, exchanging meaningless glances with another commuter on the 5.45pm home from work and cleaning the hairs out of your plughole are not the things which inspire. Fill your life with some real ambitions, some genuine goals, and the inspiration will lift you above the humdrum and out of the everyday world. Write down today ten things that you would really like to do. You can include places you want to visit, people you want to meet or ambitions you want to fulfil. Be dramatic and daring! Then work out what you will have to do in order to fulfil those ten ambitions. And finally, start putting each plan into action. If you find that fear of disappointment, embarrassment or humiliation is stopping you then your goals and ambitions aren't big enough.

One Thing Led To Another

My husband and I recently travelled to a nearby large town to go to the theatre. We went on the train and on the way back sat in an otherwise deserted compartment. We started cuddling and kissing and one thing led to another. Eventually I unzipped my husband's trousers, removed my panties and tights and squeezed onto his lap. It was the most exciting sex I've ever had. The gentle movement of the train and the fact that we were in a public place combined to make it a really memorable experience. At one point the ticket collector walked past and glanced at us. I'm sure he must have realised what we were doing but fortunately he didn't say anything. I want to try it again but my husband, who has a responsible job in a bank, says that it is too dangerous. He says that if we are caught his career could be ruined. What do you think?

I'm delighted to say that I know nothing about careers in banks. I've never had a 'proper' job (even though I have worked as a GP I was self employed) and I have been unemployable for most of my life. Personally, the fact that a banker does or does not screw on trains would have no influence on my decision about whether or not to entrust him with my overdraft. But I can imagine that there are probably some sexually repressed Colonels in the home counties who might fancy that such behaviour deserved a good horse whipping.

The fact is that most things worth doing are risky and you have to decide whether you want to go through life worrying about what faceless, grey men and women think or whether you are going to have some fun. You really can't do both. If we're lucky we get 70 years on this earth. You can either spend your 70 years looking over your shoulder and waiting for it to rain or else you can smell the flowers, dance a little and enjoy the sunshine when it's there. I'm all for the flowers, the dancing, the sunshine and bonking on trains.

How Do You Define Middle Age?

How do you define middle age? I'm 46 and get very offended when people call me middle aged. Surely middle age is 50 onwards? You're kidding yourself. You are, it is true, on the edge of mid- dle age. But on the wrong edge. If you assume that average life expectancy is 70 years then we're young from 0 to 23, middle aged from 24 to 46 and old from 47 onwards. But what does it matter what you call it? The important thing is that you are as old as you feel (or as someone, probably Groucho Marx, once said, a man is as old as the woman he's feeling). I know 20 year olds who are 'old' and 80 year olds who are 'young'. I'm sure that if you stop and think about it you'll know exactly what I mean.

A Small Village

I live in a small village. I came here about six years ago when I married a girl who was born in the community. Three months ago we split up and I moved in with another woman. Things are now very difficult. The whole village seems to have taken side with my ex wife although she was by no means free of blame in the break up of our marriage. My new girlfriend and I both feel very alone. No one talks to us and I've just been fired from my job. We are renting two rooms and our landlord, who is a big noise in the local church, has just given us notice to move out. I have no idea where else we will be able to find accommodation. The local church is quite a focal point in the village and it is the regular churchgoers who are giving my girlfriend and I a really hard time. I thought that god had taught forgiveness but there isn't a lot of that going on here.

I would strongly suggest that you consider leaving the village and moving somewhere else. Small, loving communities can be wonderful and often provide a loving and caring environment. But small communities can sometimes also be very conservative, introspective and unforgiving places - particularly when they are dominated by religious fanatics. I believe that God judges people by what they do with their lives, and by how they behave towards other people and animals. Consequently, on judgement day the air will, I suspect, be pungent with the frying of millions of knee bending, hymn singing, hypocritical knipperdollings. Churchgoers who regard themselves as Christians because they dress up in their posh clothes and sing hymns on Sundays, who are quick to make moral judgements about their neighbours, and who look down their noses at non knee benders are invariably sanctimonious, cold hearted, two faced bastards.

A Bleeding Problem

I have been bleeding continuously for three months now. My doctor, who says he won't examine me until the bleeding stops, says it is just a long period but I'm worried. What do you think I should do? My doctor says I'm not to bother him again until the bleeding stops.

I haven't been an active participant in the stethoscope and rubber glove business for a long time and it is many a year since I had any of my digits in a stranger's orifice in the course of business but I would strongly recommend that you urgently ask your doctor to arrange for a second opinion. If he won't do this then I suggest that you visit the Accident and Emergency department of your local hospital and explain your problem to the doctors there. I also suggest that you change doctors.

Penile Dementia

I've been going steady with a boy for two years. During that time he has had sex with at least six of my friends. He always denies these affairs but I know he is lying.

I fear that your boyfriend may be suffering from a rare and diffi- cult to treat disorder known as penile dementia. The disorder is caused by a condition known as 'cerebral drop' in which the patient's fundamental intellectual capacity falls several feet from the head to the groin area. The two most common symptoms are randiness and forgetfulness. In olden times (when I was a boy) women successfully treated men who exhibited signs of this disorder by refusing to cook them dinner and by depriving them of their conjugal rights for a week. These days this primitive but effective treatment has been outlawed by European Community bureaucrats who have decreed that such actions are in breach of clause ET857/9387 of the European Nookie Rights Charter. You may like to consider finding yourself a partner who does not exhibit such obvious signs of penile dementia.

A Stag Party And A Hen Night

My fiance is having a stag party and I'm having a hen night. However, I am very worried about what he (and his friends) might get up to. I have heard of stag parties where dirty movies are shown, where strippers are hired to take off all their clothes and kiss the groom and where men drink too much and do really silly things.

I can't help wondering what you're going to do on your hen night? Are you and your girlfriends planning to sit around in tweeds and sensible shoes knitting blanket squares, singing hymns, sharing favourite jam sandwich recipes, nibbling dry biscuits and sipping mugs of lukewarm cocoa? If this is your idea of fun then I don't think you should marry at all. You should instead live with your invalid mother, become secretary to a solicitor and dream damp, secret dreams of sultry summer evenings in the arms of a good looking and explosive Latin hunk. There are times in life when mildly irresponsible behaviour (conducted with the appropriate degree of English restraint) is justifiable if not compulsory and a man's stag night is one of those times.

Fading Away

My husband retired four months ago and since then his health has deteriorated dramatically. Before he retired he was an active, fit looking man. But now he constantly complains of pains in his legs, arms and chest. He used to walk to work and back every day (a total distance of around four miles) but these days he has difficulty walking to the end of our street. He is fading away before my eyes and I am absolutely terrified. Our doctor has examined him but says he cannot find anything wrong with him. When I told the doctor how worried I was he simply said that my husband was showing signs of having had too many birthdays! But my husband is only 65 years old and just a few months ago we were looking forward to a long and happy retirement together.

It is common for people to deteriorate dramatically once they have retired. Work, however mundane it may be, often provides a sense of purpose without which life seems dull and directionless. Minor aches and pains and insignificant ailments are ignored or suppressed when there is work to be done, commitments to be met and responsibilities to be fulfilled. Remove the work, the commitments and the responsibilities and those minor aches and pains suddenly become significant. Your husband urgently needs to find new interests to give his life a sense of purpose again. You must help him find a hobby - and preferably one that gets him out of the house on a regular basis. A part time job would probably be a good idea. And maybe a dog would make a good companion and an excuse to get him back into the habit of taking regular daily walks again.

I Come Too Soon

I suffer from premature ejaculation. When I try to make love to my girlfriend I always come far too quickly - sometimes within seconds of entering her. Naturally, she finds this very frustrating. What can I do?

Have you tried having a second erection within an hour or so of the first one? This is often an excellent and simple way of dealing with the problem. The second erection rarely disappears quite as quickly as the first.

Searching For Willing Men

While we were on holiday we met a man who was alone and invited him to join us for a drink at the bar. He was clearly very lonely. While he was away at the loo my husband asked me if I fancied him. The stranger looked a lot like Prince Charles, who has always been my hero, and so I said I did. He asked me if I'd like to invite him back to our room and see what happened. My making love to two men at once has long been a fantasy we have shared. I was a bit drunk and so I agreed. When the three of us got back to our room my husband suggested that I did a strip tease to entertain them. When I was down to my bra and panties he told me to sit between them on the couch and then invited our new friend to fondle my breasts. The stranger didn't need asking twice. He made love to me in every possible way while my husband sat beside us and watched. I lost count of the number of times we did it together that night. The three of us slept together every other night of the holiday. We didn't make the stranger use a condom since he said he hadn't had sex for over a year and we felt pretty sure that he would be safe. I take the contraceptive pill so we didn't have to worry about pregnancy. I know my husband got a real kick out of watching me make love to my royal lookalike. And I certainly enjoyed it. We both now want to repeat this experience on a regular basis. Can you suggest any way that we might be able to find willing men? Do you think any of your readers would be interested? If not I think we'll probably just use a contact magazine.

I'm sure that I could find you a couple of million 'interested' males; though none, of course, could hope to match the unique charms of a royal lookalike. But I'm not in the pimping business. Before you even consider buying a contact magazine and flicking through the advertisements until you find a pouting prospect with suitably proportioned ears I think you should visit your local 'special diseases' clinic and make sure that you didn't come back off your holiday with any unexpected souvenirs. And I also think that you should abandon your trusting nature and buy yourself a large boxful of condoms. Finally, if you are determined to carry on with your plan, do check out prospective lovers before you meet. Written references are probably inappropriate but you should, perhaps, consider a preliminary meeting where you can lay down whatever ground rules you think are appropriate. And if you want to retain your privacy you ought perhaps to consider meeting at a hotel and using false names. You and your husband are, for numerous reasons, playing a dangerous game. Your own relationship may not survive the sexual freedom you are planning to enjoy. And there are a lot of nutters out there who may be only too eager to take advantage of you in ways you hadn't bargained for.

Sex With My Mother-in-Law

My wife has a very important job. Two weeks ago she went abroad for five days to attend a conference. I'm not very good at cooking and household chores - though I always do more than my fair share in the garden to make up for this - so while she was away her mother offered to come and stay to look after me. Although my mother in law is in her late forties - nearly twenty years older than me - she is very attractive and still has a terrific figure. Nevertheless I had never thought of her in any sexual way and it was quite a shock to me when, on our first evening alone, she sat down beside me on the sofa to watch TV and I realised that I was aroused by her presence. She was wearing a very short skirt which had ridden up her thighs and had on a tight sweater and a flattering bra. When she casually rested her hand on my leg I started to sweat as I realised that I was developing an enormous and very noticeable erection. I quickly picked up the newspaper and dropped it across my lap to hide the evidence. 'You don't have to be embarrassed,' she said, tossing the newspaper aside and smiling at me. 'I'm really very flattered.' By the way she was looking at me it was obvious she wanted me to kiss her. A few minutes later our son-in-law/mother-in-law relationship had been changed for ever. We slept together in the spare bed until my wife came back. Now that my wife is back home I'm torn. I know my mother in law is keen to repeat our experience but I'm worried about damaging my marriage. My wife is going away to another conference next month and once again her mother has offered to come and look after me. Help! What do I do?

First of all you have to decide whether you want this affair to stop or to carry on. If you want it to stop then you should talk confidentially to your mother in law and explain to her that you enjoyed making love to her very much but that you are frightened of wrecking your marriage. Ask her to find some reason not to come and stay while your wife is away and buy yourself a simple 'How to make a jam sandwich' cookbook. If you can't say 'no' and you want your dangerous affair to carry on then you're going to have to be very careful to make sure that your wife doesn't find out because discovering that her mum and her hubby have been bonking each other's brains out in the guest room is likely to send her off into orbit. You should also make sure that your diet contains plenty of protein and zinc.

Everyone Makes Mistakes

I would like to start my own business but I am very nervous about the prospect of making serious mistakes and seeing things go badly wrong. My parents bought a small shop early in their married life and very nearly went bankrupt. Their experience has made me anxious but it is my wife's attitude which I find most difficult to deal with. Every time I do anything wrong she almost gleefully points out my error and reminds me that just one mistake could put me out of business.

There is nothing at all wrong with making mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. No one can be right at all the time. Give yourself strength by being prepared to admit that you are wrong when you do make mistakes which are (at least in part) your fault. If you accept challenges, take risks and live your life to the full then you must sometimes fail. Occasionally your judgement will be faulty. Sometimes other people will let you down. Some errors may be entirely your fault. Some will be other peoples fault. Most will be a mixture. Making a mistake is a weakness and you should naturally try to make as few as possible. But admitting that you have made a mistake is a sign of strength and courage. Apologising for your mistakes is a sign of maturity. And learning from your mistakes is a sign of real wisdom. Your wife's fears are almost certainly inspired by anxiety about the consequences of failure so try to reassure her by limiting the downside in case things go wrong. Don't start off by borrowing so much money that you won't have any spare borrowing capacity for emergencies. Remember that things won't go anywhere near as smoothly as you hope and allocate some cash for the problems you haven't thought of and your chances of succeeding in your business endeavour will be much greater.

How To Increase Your Life Expectancy

I recently read a report claiming that every time you have sex you reduce your life expectancy by one day. Is this true?

No. I know (in varying degrees of intimacy) a number of people who would have been dead years ago if this was the case. Regular, healthy sex is one of the most effective ways to extend your life expectancy. Sex is a damned sight more useful than vitamin supplements and far more fun than jogging. If TV bosses replaced nauseatingly twee and patronising health and fitness programmes with thrust and pump movies the nation would be infinitely healthier.

Guns And Goosepimples

Why is it that newsagents stock gun, shooting and hunting magazines where children can see them but stock magazines containing pictures of naked women on the top shelves? Surely violence is more of a threat to society than nudity? We live in a society (and have a government) which condones violence but has an unhealthy and hypocritical attitude towards anything to do with sex. I too find gun and hunting magazines a zillion times more offensive and threatening than publications containing pictures of people wearing only smiles and goosepimples.

Always Afraid

I have always been a weak and easily frightened individual and things never seem to get any better. I have a wonderful, loving husband and we have our own home. We even have a small nest egg in the building society. I should feel comfortable and content. But I am not. I am always afraid.

Before you conquer your fears you must know exactly what you are afraid of. Only when you have identified and defined your worst anxieties can you begin to tame them. Write down the five things you are most afraid of. Let's say that your list includes: death, illness, pain, poverty and loneliness. Those are five pretty heavy duty fears. Now, for each one ask yourself how likely it is that the fear is going to turn into reality in the near or foreseeable future. And ask yourself what you can realistically do to prevent that fear becoming reality. Having indulged your fears, make a list of the five things you would most like to happen in your life. And for each one ask yourself what you can do to improve your chances of seeing your hopes turn into reality.

I Can Resist Anything Except Temptation

I am several stones overweight. I know my excess weight is damaging my health but every time I try to diet I fail because I can't resist eating cakes. How can I deal with this problem?

A friend of mine once admitted that he could resist almost any thing except temptation. Maybe you should avoid temptation by not buying or looking at cakes. And every time you are tempted to eat a cake remind yourself that the doughnut/chocolate cake/eclair or whatever it is will eventually kill you just as surely as a bullet would.

Husband In The Wardrobe

When my husband found out that I was having an affair he didn't react as I had expected. Instead of being jealous, angry or upset he was desperate to find out more. He made me tell him everything my lover and I had done together. Now he wants me to take other lovers - as long as I tell him everything that happens. He even wants to hide in our wardrobe and secretly watch me making love.

As a highly trained professional observer of human frailties I can tell you that your husband harbours deep seated homosexual inclinations which he is unprepared to acknowledge on a conscious level. He is having sex with men through you and at the same time punishing himself and expiating his guilt. Translated into the vernacular this means that your old man is a kinky bastard who gets his rocks off watching you sucking and screwing your way through the local male population. You can minimise the more obvious physical hazards by buying condoms wholesale - and using them. The possible mental and emotional consequences of your new lifestyle are legion but there are no rules which say that your relationship with your husband will not thrive under these unusual circumstances.

Slow In Coming

My wife has difficulty in reaching an orgasm through sex. Is this normal? Yes. Most woman are unable to come through intercourse alone. Stimulate her clitoris with your fingers to take her thrillwards. If you aren't sure how or where to touch her ask her to show you.

My Friends Think I Am Gay

My girlfriend persuaded me to wear red nail varnish for a joke at a party. I just thought that people would laugh but now all my friends think I'm gay, my parents aren't speaking to me and my boss (who found out when a 'friend' told him) has made it clear that my chances of going up the promotion ladder have disappeared and I've slithered down a long snake back to where I was two years ago.

Why on earth are you worried about what such dull, humour less, narrow minded, bigoted individuals think of you? Your friends are clearly uncertain of their own sexuality and frightened by what they subconsciously suspect may be their own suppressed homosexuality. Your boss is behaving like a tyrant and your parents are just miserable bastards. Find new friends, look for a new job and, until your parents start behaving like grown ups, ignore them and replace them with a pair of painted garden gnomes.

Bonking In Aeroplanes

My girlfriend and I want to make love in an aeroplane but we're not sure how to do it.

Unless you're on a long haul flight where the lights are turned out and passengers are issued with blankets the loo is the best place for you. There are two positions recommended by the British Association for Bonking in Aeroplanes (BABA): either she sits on the edge of the washbasin or he sits on the loo seat. Regulations limit passengers to one orgasm each per flight. Take the smiles off your faces before leaving the loo and return to your seats separately. Please hand used condoms to the stewardess for disposal. Bonk Airways, which regularly flies between Cloud Nine and Never Never Land, has this week denied rumours that single men and women will soon be able to use bonus points to hire an appropriate member of the cabin crew as a partner.

A Bad Lover Always Blames His Tool

My boyfriend isn't very good at sex. He blames the size and shape of his penis but I've had boyfriends with smaller penises who were better lovers.

A bad lover always blames his tool.

Terrified

I heard a few weeks ago about a nurse performing an operation on a patient. I am due to go into hospital and now I'm terrified that the same thing will happen to me. How can I be sure it won't.

I don't think you should worry. It is not at all uncommon for thea- tre sisters to perform operations. Indeed, it is not even unknown for technicians and theatre instrument salesmen to perform surgical operations. But who would you rather have operating on you - an experienced theatre sister who has assisted at, watched (and probably helped perform) thousands of operations or a young, raw doctor who may never have performed an operation before? When I performed my first operation I was lucky enough to have my hand held by an excellent theatre sister with bags of experience. I forgot everything I'd been taught when I found myself staring down into the wound I'd made. Using a sharp knife to cut a huge hole in a human being one hasn't even been introduced to properly is a bizarre experience. I felt impertinent and intrusive and lost 4 gallons in sweat in 37 seconds. (This is, I believe, still a world record.) The theatre sister talked me through what I had to do and (literally) held the hand that held the knife.

Pierced Labia

I'm thinking of having my labia pierced. What do you think?

Think again. I know of one young woman who had her labia pierced and was very proud of her ability to wear jewellery in a place where only a chosen few would see it. All went well until she started a relationship with a man who was as enthusiastic about body piercing as she was. He had a ring through his foreskin. One Saturday evening the inevitable happened. His foreskin ring became entangled with one of her labia rings. The two pieces of metal were connected together like one of those metal ring tricks that fall out of Christmas crackers. The embarrassed couple had to visit the casualty department of a local hospital to be disconnected.

Planning To Marry

My girlfriend and I plan to marry. Recently my girlfriend confided in me that her fantasy is to make love to two men at the same time. I am happy about this. She now wants me to tell her my fantasy. The trouble is that it is a bit unusual. I want to go to bed wearing a nappy and plastic pants and to have a plastic sheet on my bed. Am I the only person to have this fantasy? I am frightened to tell my girlfriend in case she runs a mile. And where would I buy adult size nappies?

Your fantasy is not at all unusual. Unreliable research shows that 34.67% of all accountants have the same urge - a yearning shared by a large proportion of the population of Swindon. I suggest that you ask your newsagent to order you a copy of a magazine called Fetish Times. It is packed with information and advertisements intended to help individuals who have fantasies and fetishes not easily catered for by Marks and Spencer.

I Want More Oral Sex

I want my husband to perform oral sex on me more often - I really enjoy it and it always makes me come. I suspect he'd be more willing if I performed oral sex on him. The snag is that I've never done it and I'm not really sure what to do.

Remember the words of the Prophet Nigel: 'She That Giveth Head Shall Be Twice Blessed For She Shalt Also Receiveth, And If She Swalloweth Then She Shalt Be Thrice Blessed For The Zinc In His Come Will Maketh Her Tits Groweth' (Book of Nigel 1.43). I don't always agree with everything the Prophet Nigel said (and sometimes he talked a load of old cobblers) but if you want your hubby to go down on you more often it might be a good idea to give his lolly a bit of a licking occasionally. Incidentally, a recent survey showed that most Greek men give and receive oral sex every day. This may explain why most of their buildings are in ruins and their economy is in such a mess.

Low Cut Dresses And High Heeled Shoes

I am 37 but am told that I have quite a good figure. I like wearing short skirts when I go out but recently a friend told me that I should start dressing a little more in keeping with my age. I found this advice extremely depressing. What do you think?

I suspect that your friend's husband has probably been peeking and your friend doesn't like it. I am completely in favour of women (of all ages) wearing short skirts, low cut dresses, tight jumpers and high heeled shoes. If attending church or legal proceedings in which you are an interested party try to make sure that the bottom edge of your skirt is within hailing distance of the top edge of your stockings. This will give the vicar/judge a chance to concentrate on the proceedings and will give you an air of (I hope spurious) respectability. The concept of behaving your age is a gloomy one. The big advantage of growing old is that you can blame all strange behaviour on the onset of senile dementia.

Flabby Thighs

My wife and I have been married for twelve years. When we married she had a terrific figure - great breasts and a gorgeous little bum. But she's put on a lot of weight in the last few years and when we make love I feel as though I'm bobbing about on an overfilled air bed. She has very flabby thighs and is beginning to look her age. She doesn't bother with her hair and hardly ever wears make up. She invariably wears the same dowdy old pinafore over a pair of grubby jeans and a shapeless jumper. I find it difficult to get sexually aroused by her these days. My father was West Indian and my mother was Chinese and consequently although I usually wear rather loud, brightly coloured clothes I make sure that they are always freshly laundered and I try to look my best.

Just in case you're managing to kid yourself that you're still the hunk you were when you married I suggest that you remove your freshly laundered, fluorescent flares, strip off your Y fronts, stand in front of a full length mirror (preferably one in your own home rather than a local store) and examine the merchandise you're currently offering. Take a long, hard, critical look at yourself and I suspect that you will spot more than a few signs to show that the years are taking their toll: a grey hair here, a wrinkle there, a varicose vein or two and a perhaps a few unwanted pounds of fat as well. If your wife has let herself go a little then maybe it is because she finds the idea of you dumping your liver spotted, crumbly carcase on top of her and parking your battered old family saloon in her spacious garage about as much of a turn on as the prospect of watching a video of Greatest Political Speeches of the 1990s. Maybe your sex life would improve if you made a little effort to let your wife know that you love her and regard her as a sex goddess rather than a dishwasher on legs. How long is it since you bought her flowers, sexy lingerie, a new dress and a candlelit dinner? I have a strong suspicion that you're probably the sort of berk who buys his wife kitchen equipment for her birthdays and then wonders why the only blow job he ever gets is when he's washed his hair.

Tell The Truth

I left my last job because of constant teasing over my sexuality. (I am bisexual). But now when I go for job interviews I can't own up to the real reason why I quit. I am sure that this works against me. What can I say?

Why not simply tell the truth? Your sexual preferences should have no influence upon your employability (though I suppose that someone who insisted on turning up for work dressed in spike studded skin tight black leather might find it difficult to get appointed as a traffic warden). If a prospective employer is kind and broadminded telling the truth will probably help you get the job. If the truth means that you don't get a job then you would have probably been unhappy working there anyway.

Sharing A Flat With Two Lesbians

Is homosexuality catching? My daughter is sharing a flat with two lesbians and I am afraid that she may become one too.

According to white coated boffins at the Medical Research Au- thority's Lesbian Unit at the University of Barnstaple your daughter will be safe as long as her knickers don't go into the washing machine with those belonging to her flatmates. I suggest that you persuade one of those cretin-heavy day time TV programmes to deal with this important threat to the fabric of our society.

Why Surgeons Wear Masks

Why do surgeons always wear masks?

The official explanation is that the mask is there to stop germs from the surgeon's mouth contaminating the patient's wound. But the real reason is to prevent the surgeon being recognised by the patient afterwards if things go wrong.

Abandon Your Inhibitions

I am a 19 year old girl. I have learned to give myself an orgasm by masturbating. But I am quite unable to have an orgasm during intercourse.

Try fantasising before and during sex. Abandon all your inhibi- tions, lower the barriers of your mind and allow a variety of dirty thoughts to tip toe through your cortex. Guilt does not exist in the Peoples' Republic of Fantasyland so you can enjoy your wildest dreams without your conscience interfering. If you have difficulty in thinking up any really erotic scenarios ask your partner to tell you some of his dirtiest fantasies (though you must remember that they are only fantasies!).

Feeling A Bit Miserable

My husband had an affair a few months ago and although he has promised not to see the woman again I have been feeling a bit miserable for several weeks now. My doctor agrees with me that I am not depressed or ill but my doctor wants me to take pills. I am rather fed up and my doctor says the pills will help me forget.

Hiring someone to beat you over the head with a pine tree would help you forget. Sawing off your limbs with one of those little plastic knives they give away with airline meals would help you forget. Swallowing 5,000 litres of rubbing alcohol would help you forget. And taking pills will probably help you forget too. But none of these are courses of action which I would recommend with any enthusiasm under the circumstances which you describe. It is my belief that in a crisis (whether it be financial, physical or emotional) you need every brain cell to be in tip top working condition. Drugs will merely make you numb so that you aren't aware of the emotional pain. When (or if) you stop the drugs then that emotional pain will return and you will still have to face your problems. Please talk to your husband. And share your anxieties and fears with your friends. Don't be afraid to weep. If you let the sorrow escape you will make room for happiness to return.

Keep The Cat And Give Away The Baby

I have a cat and recently had a baby. My friend tells me that I should give her the cat because it might lie on the baby and smother it.

I have never heard of a cat smothering a baby though they do rather like lying on top of anything warm, soft and squashy and babies do fit into that general category. However, I suggest you keep the cat and get your friend to take the baby. The cat will give you years of delight and companionship. The baby will grow up first into a demanding, whining child and then into a moaning, sulky, obnoxious teenager.

I'm Having An Affair With My Husband's Secretary

I am a 38 year old woman. For two months I've been having an affair with my husband's 25 year old secretary. I had spoken to her on the telephone quite often and we met one day when I had to pick up some documents from my husbands office. Because it was lunchtime I invited her out to a meal. A week later, while my husband was away on business, she invited me round to her flat for the evening. She cooked a wonderful meal, we drank a bottle of wine and we ended up in bed together. It is my first lesbian affair but she has been a lesbian since she was 19. The sex is sensational. My new lover knows exactly how to turn me on. I do not feel any disloyalty towards my husband since our marriage has been one of convenience for many years. He and I haven't made love for ages and I know he has other women when he's away from home. We have no children but stay together because his boss disapproves of divorce. All he asks is that I play the dutiful wife at company dinners and so on. My new lover says she loves me but insists that we should just carry on as we are. She is very practical and points out that if we set up home together she would almost certainly lose her job whereas if we say nothing she can keep her job and I can keep my (quite generous) allowance from my husband. He spends two weeks a month away from home so my new lover and I have plenty of opportunities to be together.

Since you and your husband have, for some time, regarded your marriage as one of convenience rather than love your girlfriend's extremely practical way of looking at things makes a good deal of sense. If you tell your husband what is going on he will probably feel humiliated and devastated. He may lose his job. Your girlfriend will probably lose her job. Your life, your husband's life and your girlfriend's life will be turned upside down and inside out. You could end up struggling to make ends meet in a squalid bedsit. There will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth and a good deal of rubbing of hands by pustular lawyers sniffing a few good lawsuits. On the other hand, if you remain discreet then the three of you can carry on enjoying your lives.

Offered A New Job

I have been offered a new job. I am worried because it entails quite a lot of responsibility and I am not sure that I will be able to cope. My present job, which I have been doing for three years, is not particularly demanding. I can do it without too much effort. Do you think I should take the risk?

If you don't take any risks then you won't ever make any mistakes. But you will end up with an attic full of regrets. And when you're old, grey and doubly incontinent you will be heard constantly repeating that awful phrase: 'I wonder what would have happened if...'. Only you can decide how to use your life. But just remember: you won't get another chance at the funfair of life. If you don't try everything now when the gates close and the rides shut down you'll be left clutching a useless fistful of unused tickets.

Going Away To School But Not Yet Weaned

My seven year old son is going away to prep school two hundred miles away. My problem is that he has not yet been completely weaned. He does eat some solids but still likes my milk once or twice a day. What should I do?

Weaning is something of a priority. Alternatively, I suggest that you either take a room very near the school or cut out the night feeds. I did once know a woman who was still breast feeding her son when he reached the age of fourteen. This only became a real problem when he was selected for an under 15 rugby team that was booked on a tour of Holland. A doctor and the headmaster eventually persuaded the enthusiastic mum to abandon her plans to travel with the party. They were, I believe, genuinely concerned that she would rush out onto the field at half time, breast at the ready, alongside the man carrying a plateful of orange segments.

Three Months To Live

Two weeks ago my doctor told me that I have cancer and have only around three months to live. That was, as you can imagine, quite a shock. He also told me that he had known about the cancer for nearly six months but hadn't said anything because he didn't want to worry me. The dominant emotion I now feel is anger. I am absolutely furious that he kept this information from me.

You are right to be angry. I believe that people should be told the truth by doctors. It is your body and your illness and you have a right to decide how - and by whom - you want to be treated. Some doctors still believe that when a patient consults them for advice he is handing them complete responsibility for his health. I think this patronising view is out of date and dangerous. I believe that all patients should take responsibility for their own health. Doctors are there to provide advice and support and to list alternatives and options. Even more important than this, however, is the fact that unless you know the truth about your condition you cannot possibly fight your illness effectively. The doctor who denies his patient the truth is, either through an overblown sense of personal responsibility or through an unforgivable ignorance of what we now know about the relationship between the mind, the body and illness, denying his patient the chance to use the most powerful weapon any of us has against illness: the mind. The power of the human mind is enormous and I have known numerous patients who have drawn on inner strengths, defied doctors and simply refused to die. You must now try to turn your anger against your doctor into determination to conquer your disease. No doctor has a right to tell a patient that he has 3, 6, 9 or 12 months to live. Such prognoses are not based on any scientific truths and on the rare occasions when they are accurate they are self fulfilling because the patient is so depressed and dispirited by his doctor's gloomy prognostication that he gives up, abandons hope and politely dies on time.

Divorced

My wife and I are getting divorced. I am resigned to the divorce but I will miss the physical aspect of our relationship. I really like sex and am worried that as a single man I may have to rely on masturbation for relief. What are the chances of a divorced man finding a new partner?

A recent survey showed that in the year after divorce the average man has sex with eight and a half women. I'm not sure whether or not this is compulsory but I suggest that you trot down to the chemists and stock up with condoms and energy tablets.

The Truth About Chicken

Is it true that chicken is good for you? I've given up red meat completely. It is a myth that dead chicken is a healthy food. Dead chicken con- tains nearly as much fat and more cholesterol than steak. Dead chicken contains no fibre, no vitamin C and no complex carbohydrates. Chickens are much better for you when they're running around a farmyard going 'cluck, cluck'. If you want to eat a healthy diet avoid meat completely.

My Grandmother Was Infertile

I've heard that my grandmother was infertile. I want to start a family soon and I'm worried that infertility might be a hereditary condition.

It is extremely rare for infertility to be inherited. If you stop and think about it you will realise that this makes sense.

Smallpox

Is it true that smallpox is now very rare?

Smallpox is very rare. Probably extinct. But it's still not as rare as Bigpox. No case of Bigpox has ever been reported.

Early Retirement

My firm has offered me a chance to take early retirement at the age of 55. I am not certain what to do. I'm sure that I could fill my days if I retired but I do enjoy my job very much and I would miss the stimulation and the friends I work with. I just don't feel ready to spend my days pottering around the garden and playing golf.

I suggest you think very carefully indeed before retiring early. I discovered the other day that I am 50. I found this out because I suddenly started to get bombarded with mail from insurance companies telling me how they can make my retirement more enjoyable. It is apparently now normal practice in some areas of employment for people to retire as soon as they hit the half century mark. Well, bugger that. I feel as though I'm just getting into my stride and have absolutely no intention of retiring until I am at least 150. I can well understand why civil servants, traffic wardens, administrators of all varieties, local authority employees and others who have drifted through life without any sense of purpose, direction or meaning might want to retire to a life of bingo, coach trips and dahlia growing. But anyone who understands the meaning of words such as 'fulfilment' and 'job satisfaction' should stoutly resist all talk of early retirement. People who retire early tend to die early too.

Too Skinny

My problem is that I am too skinny. I dread the summer. I would love to have some real curves like other girls. I am fed up of reading about diets. Please tell me how I can put on weight!

You need to disobey most of the rules slimmers follow. But you must still eat healthily. Try a large pasta meal in the evening so that your body doesn't have chance to burn up all the energy you've consumed.

Travel Sickness

My eight year old daughter suffers from travel sickness - particularly when we travel by aeroplane. She takes pills prescribed by our doctor but although these help they don't always stop her being sick.

Here's a little trick you can try. Buy a very large roll of brown paper. Before each trip by air cut a piece of paper from the roll. The paper should be about 24 inches long and 12 inches wide. Fold the paper into a square and seal the two sides with sticky tape. Leave the end of the paper unsealed. Give this to your daughter to keep on her lap. At the end of the journey seal the final side, hide your little surprise package behind a newspaper or magazine and slip it onto one of those little fold up seats that the onboard waitresses use. The waitresses will laugh for hours and be thrilled at the extra excitement you've added to their lives. Alternatively, you can hand the sealed packet to the first customs official you see - just tell him you found it lying around unattended. Admittedly, none of this will help your daughter but it will give you so much fun that you'll probably be quite sad when she grows out of her travel sickness in about two years time.

Lesbian Sex

I am a 22 year old stripper. I work in local pubs and clubs and do shows most evenings. I also do lunchtime shows on Saturdays and Sundays. At one of the pubs where I work the landlord has asked me to do a show with another girl. He wants us to strip off and pretend to have lesbian sex. Then we're supposed to choose one or two members of the audience, take them on stage and perform sex acts with them. There is always quite a good crowd and the landlord says that most weekends we should be able to find at least one bloke who's got a birthday or a wedding anniversary during the coming week. The landlord says we can't have intercourse with them because that would get him shut down but he says that oral sex is OK. I want to make the men wear condoms but the landlord says that condoms will spoil things and that since we're only performing oral sex on them we don't need to bother. I like the taste of semen so I don't mind but do you think it's safe to do it without condoms?

There are over twenty diseases which can be transmitted through sex - and some of these can be transmitted through oral sex. Condoms will provide you with a good degree of protection against most of the nasties and I would certainly recommend that you use them. Maybe you could make putting the condom on part of your act. I think I should warn you that if policemen see you performing oral sex on pub customers they will almost certainly charge you, the landlord, the customers and passing motorists with some offence. They will charge you even if no one complains. The police seem to have forgotten why they were originally hired. They have odd priorities these days and prefer to sit in nice warm pubs deliberately allowing themselves to be offended rather than racing around in the rain catching rapists, burglars or vandals.

When Suspicion Is Good For Business

My wife and I are separated and are planning a divorce. So far our separation has been amicable but my wife's sister insists that she should get a lawyer. What do you think?

Lawyers encourage suspicion and distrust because it is good for business. They do this by explaining all the possibilities and the consequences. There are always possibilities and consequences. It is perfectly true that you may rip off your wife and it is equally true that she may rip you off. But the one certainty is that if you see a lawyer he will rip you both off. There will then be less money left for the two of you to share. And the chances are that under the lawyer's malign influence you will both be encouraged to distrust each other so much that you end up ripping each other off anyway. The other disadvantage of introducing lawyers into what could otherwise be a civilised procedure is that you will probably end up hating one another. I suggest you try to persuade your wife to ignore her interfering old bag of a sister.

Shocked And Embarrassed

I am 23 years old and have never had trouble in bed before. Last Saturday a girl I've been going out with for several weeks finally agreed to go to bed with me. I was shocked and embarrassed when I couldn't get an erection. The funny thing is that I had an erection the next day just thinking about her. What on earth happened - and how can I make sure it doesn't happen again?

Since your equipment is once again working properly there is un- likely to be any structural problem. I suspect that you were so determined to impress that 'nerves' got the better of you. Try to stay relaxed next time you go to bed together (and avoid alcohol) and you will probably find that your equipment performs perfectly well.

Is What We Are Doing Normal?

I went for 17 years without sex. Then I met a man and we fell in love. We are both in our fifties. We have had sex every night and my lover likes to fondle my breasts a lot. He is very gentle and I enjoy him touching me but my husband never used to touch me in that way at all. Is what we are doing normal?

Yes, it's perfectly normal. Anything two people do to or with one another through love, and which they both enjoy and feel comfortable with, is perfectly normal and healthy. Let the breast fondling continue!

Toothache

What is the best emergency treatment for toothache?

Ring your dentist and make an appointment. The pain will start to disappear almost immediately.

Is There Anything Wrong With This?

My boyfriend and I both enjoy watching one another masturbate. Is this there anything wrong with this?

There is nothing immoral, unethical, unhealthy or even illegal about the practice you describe. It is called 'bilateral voyeuristic onanism' and politicians do it assiduously at every possible opportunity. They've given up trying to run the country and can now accurately be described as just a big bunch of wankers.

Quite Naked

On an unexpectedly sunny day just before Easter my husband and I stopped our car and went for a walk in what seemed to be a deserted nature reserve. We both felt very romantic and since there didn't seem to be anybody around we got rather carried away. My clothes (including my bra and panties) ended up decorating a small bush and within minutes I was quite naked. Moments later I was astride my husband. The warmth of the sun and the sheer naughtiness of it all enabled me to have a spectacular climax. Afterwards as we walked back along the track leading to our car we passed a large party of bird watchers - all equipped with binoculars. They grinned at us and I knew from the way they looked at me that they had been watching everything. I felt guilty but excited and the memory of it still thrills me.

I wonder if the Great Tit watchers put you down in their little note books and if they did how they described you. 'A pair of pink breasted non flying, featherless Bustards. Cock (Lesser Titted) with bald spot, clearly visible curly tuft and perceptible grin and hen (Greater Titted) with exquisitely rounded, bouncy, chest protuberances and curly tuft. Cock and hen were seen mating in woodland. The hen's mating cries ('Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Now. Now. Oh yes. I'm coming. I'm coming. Oh yes. Oh. Oh that was wonderful.) clearly audible at 200 yards and accompanied by the rhythmic grunting of the male.' You'll probably find yourself listed as a protected species in 'Birds of Europe' next year and if you're really lucky you'll be a 50 point bonus in 'I Spy in the Countryside.' If you're tempted to repeat your adventure be careful: if you feel a birdwatcher's hot breath on your neck or hear a matched pair whispering through the undergrowth I suggest that you slip your knickers back on pretty sharpish and get yourself an agent.

A Roving Eye

My husband has always had a roving eye. I thought it would stop as he got older but if anything it's getting worse. Whenever we go out together he always looks at other women. He pretends he's looking at cars or shop windows but I KNOW he's looking at women. I don't think he's ever unfaithful to me but how can I stop him looking?

Don't you ever like looking at gorgeous stuff you know you can't ever have? Dresses? Shoes? Kitchens? Men look at boobs and bums in the same way that women admire frocks and kitchen cupboards. The only way you can stop a normal, healthy male from looking at women is to keep him indoors in a darkened room with the curtains firmly shut. Any man who claims he never looks at passing breasts, bottoms or legs is either a liar or heavily drugged. This is something men start to do at the age of about six. They don't stop until the doctor packs away his stethoscope, puts on his serious 'I'm sorry to have to tell you this' look and recommends a reliable local undertaker. When the feasting of the eyes is clearly lascivious or lustful and seems likely to lead to more than mere visual delight then the anger may be justified but when the intention is innocent it seems to me dangerous to object for this is likely to lead to secrecy and furtiveness. Window shopping is only hazardous when it turns into compulsive buying. Instead of nagging your poor husband, and making him feel guilty about a perfectly normal and healthy activity, I suggest that you try to make him feel a little more comfortable with his urges. Next time a particularly fine bust bobbles into view murmur something like: 'Due East, 50 yards, yellow sweater, well worth a peep!'.

Seen With Another Woman

A friend recently told me that she had seen my husband with another woman. When I confronted him he admitted that he'd had coffee with a woman but insisted that she was just an old school friend and that he wasn't having an affair with her. Should I trust him?

If you have nothing to worry you other than a friend's malice you should certainly trust your husband. Why on earth shouldn't he talk to other women - or even drink coffee with them occasionally! It is very easy to create rumours and evil sounding gossip. For example, what would you think if someone told you that she'd seen your husband, semi naked, alone with several other semi naked men and women? Would you visualise pictures of an orgy or just realise that your husband had been having a swim at the local pool?

Sharing A Bed

A few weeks ago a mate and I went away to watch a football match together. We missed our train home and had to find a hotel. We couldn't get single rooms but had to share a bed. We had a few drinks at the hotel bar and when we went to bed we had sex together. It wasn't planned. It was a first for us both but I really enjoyed it. I still care for my girlfriend. Should I tell her that I have had sex with my best mate? Before you do or say anything else I suggest you do some serious thinking. Was this an isolated one off adventure or did you find it so much better than heterosexual sex that you now want to abandon heterosexual sex completely? Do you think that you and your best mate are likely to have sex together again? Would you now describe yourself as homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual? Do you want to tell your girlfriend what happened because you want to share the details of this sexual adventure with her? Or do you want to tell her because you think you have fallen in love with your best mate and this is your way of telling her that you don't want to see her any more? When you've finished asking yourself all these questions remind yourself that condoms are just as essential for homosexual loving as they are for heterosexual sex.

A Fetish For Girdles

I am a young man but I have a fetish for old fashioned ladies girdles. I have fought against the urge to wear one of these for some time but recently I lost the battle. I was standing outside a shop which had girdles in the window when a lady came out from inside and took my hand. She led me into the shop and said that she could see that I was interested in the girdles. I was embarrassed and tried to leave but she grabbed my hand and put a tape measure round my waist. Within minutes I was wearing a girdle and stockings. I really enjoyed it. The lady in the shop wants me to wear girdles for her regularly. I worry that I may be blackmailed if I don't do what she wants. What should I do?

You have to balance the upside against the downside. The upside is that you have a found a way to fulfil your fantasy without hurting anyone - and you have found a woman who is prepared to enjoy your fantasy with you. That sounds pretty good. The downside is that you may end up being embarrassed or losing your job if your secret gets out. Only you can decide how bad that would be. Surprisingly large numbers of women do enjoy helping men to wear women's clothes. A couple of decades ago women celebrated their liberation from sexual slavery by burning their bras. Now men are celebrating THEIR liberation by wearing bras, girdles and suspender belts.

The Most Beautiful Girl I Have Ever Seen

Last week I went out with a girl I have fancied for weeks. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. She has a wonderful figure, exquisite hair and a gorgeous smile. She also has a lovely personality. I was quite shocked when, at the end of the evening, she invited me back to her flat and made it very clear that she was prepared to go to bed with me. I was disgusted and left as soon as I'd drunk the cup of coffee she had made and now I don't know what to do. I still find her extremely attractive but I cannot get over the fact that she was prepared to go to bed with me on a first date. I now have a strong suspicion that she may have gone to bed with other boyfriends.

I'm not sure whether you are pissed off because you realise that the girl of your dreams has been messing around in other peoples dreams, upset that a girl you had put on a pedestal turns out to prefer a bed or, like many feeble and sexually uncertain males, totally unable to cope with a woman who makes the first move. You seem to be a rather obnoxious, ungrateful little prig, more suited to train spotting than taking out good looking girls and I think it is probably fairly safe to assume that the girl who threatened your virtue was just teasing. No shapely, good looking girl could possibly want to go to bed with a dickhead like you.

Send Him Round To Me

My husband and I are in our forties. We've always had a good sex life but these days I just cannot keep up with him. I was discussing this with a widowed friend and she immediately said: 'send him round to me.' Although I was rather taken aback at her remark I have since thought about taking up her offer. What do you think?

Have you mentioned this to your husband? Or are you just as- suming that he will jump at the chance of a little guiltless extracurricular nookie? Assuming that your friend is free of infection the biggest danger is that if you send your husband out to play he may not come home. I know of many couples who have done exactly what you are thinking of doing. And the evidence suggests that one into two does go and can make three very happy. But I suggest you think about this very carefully.

Could My Wife Be Having An Affair?

Eight years ago I had a vasectomy. My wife didn't want any children and a vasectomy seemed safer and generally more convenient than any other form of contraception. Two years ago I got divorced. After six months of playing around I met and married a woman who already had two children but who desperately wanted a third by me. I didn't tell her about my vasectomy because I didn't want to disappoint her. We had sex twice a day to increase her chances of getting pregnant and although I knew it wasn't possible I enjoyed the sex and didn't regard the deception as a very serious one. Then, last week, my wife told me that her doctor had confirmed that she has at last become pregnant. I don't know what to do or think. Is it possible that my vasectomy has reversed itself? Or could my wife be having an affair? The latter seems extremely unlikely since we have a very loving and trusting relationship.

The word 'trusting' seems a trifle out of place here. You deceived your wife by not telling her that you had had a vasectomy. And now you're in a large, black hole that you've dug for yourself. Your wife presumably trusted you to tell her the truth because you managed to convince her that you are a trustworthy, honest and loving individual. Could it not be possible that your wife has been equally successful in pulling the wool over your eyes? Maybe she has been bonking herself senseless with every available male in town - comforted by the thought that you and she have been having so much sex that if she got pregnant you would have no way of knowing whether or not the child was yours. It is, of course, possible that your vasectomy has failed and that you are the father. The odds are against this happening but the odds are against anyone winning the big prize in the lottery and yet people do. And it is possible that your wife is giving birth to the new Messiah; though once again the odds in favour of this possibility are not strongly in your favour. My own feeling is that the only hope for your marriage is for you to be honest. I realise that you might find this proposal rather startling in its concept but as you have discovered deceit does not provide a sound foundation for a long term relationship.

No One Ever Smiles

Why are hospitals such depressing places? My mother has been in hospital for several weeks and I feel really miserable the moment I set foot in the place. The walls are painted a horrible colour and everywhere smells of a pungent mixture of urine and disinfectant. No one ever smiles and flowers are banned because an administrator has apparently ruled that they are 'untidy'. Surely patients would benefit if hospitals looked more cheerful?

There is plenty of evidence available now to show that people who are feeling ill suffer far less pain and get better much quicker if they are made to smile and laugh. I'm surprised that the accountants in suits who are now in charge of the world haven't realised that brightening up hospitals and making them into more cheerful places would dramatically improve productivity. In an ideal hospital administrators would be forced to walk round wearing clown costumes and throwing custard pies at one another; wards would be staffed by topless nurses (of both sexes); walls would be painted bright colours; there would be flowers everywhere and day rooms would be equipped with video recorders so that patients could watch classic comedy videos all day long. The only problem would be that no one would ever want to go home.

She Slid Her Hand Up My Thigh

I work in an office full of women. My boss, who is a woman, constantly embarrasses me. She frequently asks me about my sex life and is always putting her hands on me. Today she squeezed my bum and yesterday she slid her hand up my thigh and deliberately gave me an erection. I'm frightened of complaining to the management in case I lose my job.

Next time your boss fondles you in front of a room full of people whisper the following in her ear: 'Unless you move your hand in five seconds I'm going to squeeze your tits, pull up your skirt, and bend you over my desk.' I give you ten to one in fivers that she will blush and scurry back to her office before you can say 'prick-teaser'.

I Blushed But Felt Randy

My husband was made redundant a year and a half ago and the only work he was able to find was over 150 miles away. Since he took the job he has stayed in a bedsitting room for the working week and come home at weekends. Seven months ago we decided to put our house on the market to find somewhere closer to his work. The estate agent came to look around our house on a Monday and so I was on my own. I was doing my housework in my undies and so I grabbed a negligee which doesn't fasten at the front. I was doing some ironing at the time and the kitchen was full of my underwear. The estate agent, who was only around 25 years old, made some very complimentary remarks about my taste in lingerie which made me blush but feel quite randy. I showed him around the house so that he could measure the rooms and I helped by holding the other end of his tape measure. When we got to our bedroom we both had to squeeze into the shower-room so that we could do the measuring and with his body pressed against mine it wasn't difficult to tell that shower fitments weren't the only thing on his mind. Before I knew what was happening I found that he was kissing me. We made love twice that afternoon and he came round every day that week to do more 'measuring'. Our house has now been on the market for several months but the estate agent still hasn't brought round any prospective buyers. He visits several times a week but always comes alone. Since no potential buyers have visited the house it is not surprising that we have had no offers for it. My husband has now suggested that we ought to reduce the price in order to attract a buyer. I am reluctant to do this because I realise that we may well be able to sell the house at the original price if the estate agent makes a genuine effort to sell it. But I can hardly explain this to my husband. What do you think I should do?

Your experience is by no means an unusual one. An entirely un- reliable survey showed that 72.45% of estate agents have had daytime sex with one or more clients. In the current droopy market it seems that taking down more than a client's particulars is frequently considered to be the only perk that makes the whole miserable exercise worthwhile. 'Measuring up' has become in-house jargon for assessing the likelihood of a client making his or her fixtures and fittings available, and when an estate agent talks about 'making an offer' it has nothing to do with the house. Since you have not asked for my views on your infidelity I will not offer any. But mixing business with pleasure is always hazardous. I suggest that you ask your estate agent lover to bring a colleague and a customer with him next time. You and he can demonstrate the bedsprings and the practicality of the fitted work surfaces in the kitchen while the colleague tries to sell your house.

Am I Being Unreasonable?

I share a flat with two girls and my boyfriend shares a nearby flat with two guys. When my boyfriend stays the night he always walks around the next morning wearing either just a very small towel or a tiny pair of briefs. When I asked him to put on a pair of trousers he laughed and asked me if I was jealous. I don't think it is jealousy - there are no signs that he fancies my flatmates and I'm pretty sure they don't fancy him - but I just don't like him behaving like this. He is quick enough to object if he thinks I'm wearing a skirt that is too short or a top that is too revealing. Do you think I am unreasonable in objecting to his behaviour?

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Your boyfriend is clearly a bit of an exhibitionist. Maybe you could help him realise how you feel by returning the compliment. Next time you stay at his flat wander around in your panties and bra. If that doesn't produce any reaction try leaving the bra off.

A Large Dildo For Christmas

I bought my girlfriend a large dildo for Christmas. She has now started 'wearing' it every day. She puts it inside and keeps it in place with her panties. She say that by contracting her vaginal muscles she can have tremendous orgasms whenever she wants. She works in a bank and if I pop in during opening hours I can tell by the look in her eyes that she's having another quick one.

Next time I visit a bank I shall study the female tellers with greatly enhanced interest - looking for any with a 'far-away' look. Trying to spot the teller with the dildo will make queuing a positive pleasure. It's nice to know that dreamy eyed bank clerks have more to get excited about than deposits, withdrawals and standing orders.

I'm Overweight But Love Sex

I take a size 22 dress and I know that I am considerably overweight but I love sex. I love sex so much that I recently persuaded my husband that we should join a local partner-swapping club. Unfortunately, after we had plucked up courage to get in touch we were 'turned down'. We were told that they didn't have room for any new members but I know that this is a lie and I suspect that my weight is the real reason we were rejected. Both my husband and I think this is very short sighted of these so called 'swingers'. Fat women can make fantastic lovers. I have huge breasts which my husband uses to wrap around his penis and he and several other lovers have told me that I am better at oral sex than any other woman they've ever met. Please tell your readers that fat women can be just as good at sex as thin women.

I am surprised that you came across such blatant and narrow minded discrimination. The truth is that in many societies plump women are far more highly prized than skinny ones. Maybe you should consider moving to another area. In many parts of Africa and throughout the English Midlands having a wife with abundant buttocks and pendulous breasts is regarded as something of a status symbol, rather like owning a Mercedes or having a piano in the front room. In Africa I believe that men favour plump wives because of the hardness of hut floors and the absence of interior sprung mattresses. In the Midlands, however, there are (so I am told) plenty of interior sprung mattresses and the popularity of fat women can only be explained by the fact that many men regard plumpness as a physical virtue.

Cold Showers

My boyfriend always has a cold shower before making love to me. I was surprised when he first did this because I had always understood that cold showers reduce sexual enthusiasm but in fact the opposite seems to happen with him. Have you heard of this before?

It is a myth that cold showers dampen sexual desire. They do just the opposite: the cold water kickstarts the body and improves blood circulation. All those dull school masters, intellectually deprived P.E. teachers and nude kneed boy scout troop organisers who make their young charges file through cold showers in the belief that they are cooling unwanted sexual ardour are doing exactly the opposite and making sure that randy young kids will grow up to be randy old goats. It is quite comforting to realise that thousands of prim and proper guardians of moral righteousness have made a dramatic contribution to the nation's passion for one-on-one gymnastics.

Waking With An Erection

I often wake up with an erection. Sometimes I know I've had a sexy dream. But this isn't always the case. Are there any other explanations?

One theory is that erections develop to stop the leakage of urine - and prevent a wet bed. Another theory is that blood flows into the penis to give it a night-time feed of oxygen and food. A limp penis is poorly oxygenated. A firm penis - full of blood - will be in tip top condition. I prefer this second theory. It is a great excuse for encouraging your partner to provide the stimulation necessary to develop a plentiful supply of erections. Exercise is healthy; just tell your lady that if she lets her fingers do their walking in the right direction she may be able to give your mutual friend the fingertip kiss of life.

I Needed Help

I recently went to see a doctor because I have been frightened that I might hurt one of my three children. I just don't feel that I can cope any more. My husband left me six months ago and we live in a tiny, damp flat. On several occasions I have felt tempted to beat one of the children for no real reason at all. I realised that I needed help. But apart from giving me tranquillisers (which I confess I have not taken) the doctor wasn't much help. On the contrary, after I had left his surgery I received visits from the social workers and the police who are now making my life even more difficult. I thought that doctors were supposed to regard conversations with patients as confidential.

I have always believed that confidentiality is a vital foundation stone for the relationship between doctors and patients. And I believe that there cannot be exceptions. You can't be a 'bit' confidential any more than you can be a 'bit' pregnant. And you can't choose which confessions to regard as secret. Sadly, many doctors don't share my view. There are thousands of medical practitioners who seem to feel that their duty to society transcends their duty to the individual. And there are far too many doctors who are prepared to share their patients' secrets with blabbermouth social workers and even the police. I am sorry that your doctor betrayed your confidence and trust. These days my advice to any patient contemplating sharing delicate, personal information with a doctor has to be to think twice. Unless you know and trust a doctor completely you should be careful about what you tell him (or her).

I Have Always Liked Large Women

I have always liked large women. I've always fantasised about large women and all the girls I went out with as a boy were on the big side. When I married my wife she had large breasts, large thighs and a large bottom. She wore a size 26 dress and a 44GG bra. Recently, however, my wife has decided that she wants to lose weight. She has joined an aerobics class and started dieting and has announced that it is her intention to be able to fit into a size 14 dress by the end of the year. I am very upset about this. I do not get turned on by skinny women. How can I convince my wife that she should stay as she is?

Life is a constant series of disappointments to us all but it must be a real pisser to marry the girl of your dreams only to have to watch her melt away before your very eyes. My best suggestion is that you talk nicely to your wife and try to reach some sort of compromise arrangement. Maybe the two of you could agree on a half way size that would go some of the way towards satisfying both of your requirements: your wife could wear more fashionable clothes and fit into aeroplane seats and you could still get a thrill from looking at her voluptuous curves. Alternatively, you could simply try to look on the bright side. If your wife loses an appreciable amount of weight then she will probably be healthier and live longer. (I do recognise, however, that since you are clearly committed to spending your days and nights with a bathukolpian woman with hips to match you may not find this much of a consolation.) My only other suggestion is that you buy yourself a large rubber doll and a heavy duty pump and use the latter to over-inflate the former. You can then stick your ideal woman in a corner and use her as a three dimensional memory aid while your wife is bouncing around at her aerobics class. Finally, I feel it necessary to add a word of caution to your wife: aerobics can be a hazardous business for a woman who wears a 44GG bra - and, indeed, for those who stand within bouncing range.

The Local Library Book

I recently met a man who told me that he knew my wife before I met her. He told me that she was known as the local library book because anyone could take her out for a fortnight and then just pass her onto the next bloke. He said that she had a reputation for always having sex on a first date and that she gave him a blow job within twenty minutes of meeting him. He said he knows at least fourteen other men who had sex with her. He said she had a reputation for having more lovers than most of the local prostitutes.

Even if this man is telling the truth (and the chances are that he is just a jealous and spurned would be lover) you can ignore his story. Why should you worry about what your wife did before you got married? If you love each other and have a good relationship then it surely doesn't matter how many men she went to bed with and whether she went to bed with them individually, collectively or in alphabetical order. Once you start worrying about the past then the present will become a nightmare and you won't have a future.

He Likes Sucking My Breasts

My husband loves sucking my breasts. He started sucking when I was breast feeding. He would suck on one breast while my baby sucked on the other. Now that my son is too old for breast feeding my husband still likes his daily dose of breast milk, which he usually takes after our evening meal. Is this likely to do either of us any harm? I have to admit that I find it quite sexy. I usually get turned on when my husband sucks my breasts.

I get heaps of letters like yours. If sucking breasts was a crime then 78% of the population of Europe would be on the run. It is quite clear that throughout the world there is at least one sucker born every minute. Your pastime is unlikely to do either of you any harm though you may like to consider postponing your evening ritual when attending functions such as the Annual Company Dinner and the Lord Mayor's Banquet.

I Can't Stop Fantasising

I am a married woman in my late twenties. My husband and I have a very good sex life but for several months now I have been unable to stop fantasising. In several of my fantasies I imagine myself having wild, passionate sex with men I know only by sight. For example, I regularly fantasise about having sex in a doorway with a man I see on my train every evening. I know that in real life I would run a mile if a man I didn't know suggested sex. But in my fantasies I don't seem to have any inhibitions.

There wouldn't be much point in having a fantasy in which you kept all your clothes and had sex in the missionary position with a lawyer. The whole fun of having a fantasy is that you can let your mind soar free. Fantasies are for exploring all the hidden desires and forbidden urges which lie beneath the surface; they will help you escape from mystery guilts and suppressed fears. Don't bother trying to work out why you have these fantasies - just enjoy them.

I Dress In Provocative Clothes

I am female, single and in my thirties. I live alone and usually dress and behave quite sensibly and demurely. About a year ago I discovered a new pleasure. I put on a long wig and lots of make up, dress up in very provocative clothes and then go for a walk around our local town centre. I usually do this on a Saturday evening and I get a real thrill from the wolf whistles and shouts of approval my appearance attracts. I have steadily become more and more daring. A week ago I went out in a red PVC skirt, fishnet stockings and suspenders and a tiny, black jacket with no bra underneath. I wore lashings of make-up and four inch heels. The attention I attracted was unbelievable. Many men made suggestions to me. I had my skirt lifted at one point and another man 'accidentally' bumped into me and handled my breast. Two motorists stopped their cars and propositioned me. Tipsy with excitement I unfastened the buttons on my jacket and walked home with my breasts bobbing about quite bare. I am now contemplating going out without bra or panties. I am petrified of being recognised or getting into trouble with the police but I know that I will not be able to resist the temptation. Can I be arrested for dressing provocatively? I don't want to stop being an exhibitionist but I do feel that I perhaps need to control myself.

Being arrested is not your greatest danger. There is a real risk that if you continue exhibiting yourself in this way you will be attacked or raped. I strongly suggest that instead of going out onto the streets dressed in the way you describe you find a 'fetish' club where you can dress up as tartily as you like and enjoy yourself in safety. There is absolutely nothing at all wrong with being an exhibitionist - it sounds as though it is, for you, a valuable expression of a previously hidden part of your personality - but you must be more careful about where, and to whom, you exhibit yourself.

Only Four Inches Long

My penis is only four inches long when fully erect. A friend told me that he had read somewhere that men with small penises should only have sex with short, slim women because they are unlikely to be able to satisfy larger women. Is this true? If so is there a formula which I can use to help find out what sized woman I should go out with?

There is a formula. It has been used by doctors involved in sexual counselling for several years now. But it has never before been published. Start by measuring your own height to the nearest inch. Divide by two and drop any remainder. Then divide the number left by your waist size (also in inches). Multiply that figure (to two decimal places) by the size of your erect penis in inches (to the nearest whole inch) and add your inside leg measurement (in whole inches) to the total. That is what is called your Personal Profile Number. Next, find the height of the woman you are interested in to the nearest inch. Divide by two and discard any remainder. Then divide that number by her bra size. Finally, add one tenth of her hip size in inches (to the nearest whole inch) to the resultant total. That is her Personal Profile Number. Divide your Personal Profile Number by her Personal Profile Number to find your Relationship Quotient. If your Relationship Quotient is greater than 1 you will be able to satisfy her sexually. If your Relationship Quotient is less than 1 your best efforts will be in vain and you should look for another partner. (You may like to take this formula down to the pub and try it out on all your friends. I take no responsibility for anything but mine is a large malt whisky if you're buying.)

A Terrific Sex Life

My boyfriend and I have a terrific sex life but when he has ejaculated he always starts giggling. Is this normal?

Your boyfriend is perfectly normal. A recent survey showed that 56.48% of men between the ages of 18 and 40 have giggled after ejaculating. But normal doesn't make it excusable. Lightly smack his bottom the next time he does it and make him write out 'I must not giggle after ejaculating' on your breasts with a felt tip pen.

Special Relief

I work as a masseuse, sometimes seeing clients at my flat and sometimes visiting them in their hotel rooms. About three months ago a regular male client asked me to give him some special relief. I must be a bit naive but I didn't know what he meant at first. When he had explained I did what he wanted. It wasn't a big deal and I believe it is important to keep the customer satisfied. Afterwards he was very grateful and gave me a huge tip. I didn't want to accept it but he insisted. A few days later another client asked me for special relief and again I obliged. Once again I got a big tip. Now most of my clients seem to expect this extra service - presumably because men have been talking and word has got around. I told a friend what I do and she was disgusted and now doesn't speak to me. Do you think that what I am doing is wrong?

My moral and ethical code is a simple one: you are doing wrong if what you do hurts other innocent people (or animals). Since your clients are all satisfied when they leave you it seems to me that the Queen ought to give you an honour 'for services to the community and disposable paper tissues' in a few years time. I suspect that by then you will have provided more joy than the selected contingent of civil servants, industrialists, celebrities and politicians will have provided between them. Your friend is probably miffed because you get well paid for performing a relatively simple service - so I suggest that you ignore and forget her. If a few big organisations followed your determination to ensure customer satisfaction the world would be a far more contented place.

Every Time I Do This He Gets An Erection

I regularly cut my husband's hair with electric clippers. Every time I do this he gets an erection. Now he wants me to cut his hair every few days. He has hardly any hair left and people are beginning to ask questions.

Take the cutting blade out of the clippers or try cutting the hair other people cannot see (but do take care around the twiddly bits). I am afraid that you may now be committed to cutting your husband's hair for the rest of his life. If for some reason he absolutely must visit a hairdresser remind him to wear baggy trousers and to carry a newspaper.

I Have Tried Hard To Ignore These Feelings

I'm 23, I'm male and I work in a gym. I've recently become extremely attracted to one of the guys who comes to work out. This is an odd feeling for me because I've never had any homosexual feelings before. I've never even seen another man's penis erect. Although I have tried hard to ignore these feelings I find myself fantasising about making love with this man. He seems to like me and I have a very strong suspicion that he is gay. How do I go about finding out whether or not he feels the same way about me as I do about him? I don't even know how two men make love!

Nurture this potential relationship in the same way that you would nurture a potential relationship with a woman. Find something you know he is interested in (classical music, modern art, stock car racing or whatever), tell him you think you can get tickets for a show, concert or meeting and ask him if he'd like to join you. If he says 'no' then you should be able to tell from the way he says it whether he doesn't want to develop the relationship or is simply unable to make that date. If he says 'yes' then you will have to rely on your instincts to know whether the moment when your fingers accidentally touch aroused him, annoyed him or left him quite unmoved. Make sure you have condoms in your pocket in case your friendship turns physical. If things get that far I think you'll find that your hormones and instincts will ensure that you know what to do.

Suspenders, Peep-Hole Bras And Skimpy Panties

While cleaning my boyfriend's flat recently I found some very sexy underwear: a basque, some suspenders and peep-hole bras and a small collection of very skimpy panties. I also found some photographs which made it absolutely clear that the underwear belonged to one of my boyfriend's previous girlfriends - a girl who is now married to a local vicar. I'm not at all jealous but what should I do with the undies? I have to confess that I've never bought or worn underwear like this. I usually buy very practical underwear. My boyfriend is a very serious person and I didn't know he was turned on by this sort of thing.

All men are turned on by sexy underwear. Nuclear scientists, academic theologians and eminent cardiologists are just as susceptible to the sight of a bosom bursting out of three square inches of straining satin as are plumbers, garage mechanics and carpenters. I suggest that you wash your predecessor's abandoned hoard and then try everything on. Keep the stuff that fits (or nearly fits) and give your boyfriend a fashion show that he'll never forget. Put anything that doesn't fit into a plastic bag and take it to the next jumble sale. If the vicar's wife spots it the sight might bring a tender blush of memory to her cheeks. I suggest that you also pop all your practical underwear into the plastic bag and dump that at the jumble sale too. Coleman's 44th Law is that no one should ever buy or wear lingerie that cannot be accurately described as impractical and erotic. Oh, and one final thought: burn the photos you found.

Gymslip, White Blouse And Navy Knickers

My husband likes me to dress up as a schoolgirl when we have sex. I put on a gymslip, white blouse and navy blue knickers, white socks and black shoes. I remove all my make up and tie my hair in pigtails. Sometimes he likes me to wear a netball uniform which I bought at a car boot sale. Luckily I'm quite small and I can easily fit into school-girl sized clothes. When we start our love sessions he takes my hand and puts it into his trousers. I have to pretend to be shocked at what my fingers find. He likes me to pretend to be a virgin every time we make love. I don't mind - in fact I enjoy it because it's fun and our sex life is certainly fantastic. But why does he get so turned on by my dressing and behaving like a schoolgirl? Is it anything to worry about? I've asked him but he says he doesn't know. At first I was worried that he might start messing about with real schoolgirls but I am now absolutely confident that there is no danger of that. He has no interest in real school-girls.

The chances are that your husband's earliest and most dramatic sexual fantasies were based on girls he saw - but never got close to - when he was at school. As a grubby minded school-boy he undoubtedly stood in the rain for hours peering through the school railings and watching teenage school-girls bouncing around playing netball with their skirts tucked into their knickers. He probably then rushed home with a huge erection and got rid of it by masturbating in his bedroom. By dressing up as a school-girl you are resurrecting those exciting, early sexual memories. You and your husband could probably eradicate this sexual predilection in a mere 30 or 40 years of therapy. You would, of course, need to mortgage your house, sell your car and spend every penny you earn on therapy. But why bother? I suggest you carry on enjoying yourselves.

A Yearning To Touch

Every time I see a pretty woman I get a yearning to touch her - particularly if she has any naked skin showing. I know that my boyfriend would be alarmed and horrified if he knew of this. He is very religious and strongly disapproves of any unusual sexual behaviour. Although we have been going out together for two years and get on quite well together he has kissed me just twice and has never touched my breasts. What should I do? Do you think I might be bi-sexual?

First, I suggest that you avoid swimming pools, dressing rooms and department store changing rooms. Second, don't share your secret with your fiance. Religious fanatics with sexual hangups can often become dangerously violent. Most of the world's really hideous crimes are committed by men who are very religious and who strongly disapprove of unusual sexual behaviour. Third, if you decide to succumb to your yearning to touch another woman, do make sure that the object of your desire is willing to be touched. Finally, I suggest that you delay your wedding while you sort out your sexual status. Do you really want to marry someone about whom you can say nothing more emotive than that 'you get on quite well'? Your fiance sounds about as exciting as a stewed prune.

Is This Harmful?

Is it harmful to swallow semen? I enjoy swallowing my own semen after I have ejaculated.

You are unlikely to give yourself any infection that you have not already got and can, therefore, continue with your feasting with relative impunity. Semen is low-fat, low-sodium, caffeine-free, and contains no sugar or preservatives. The International Semen Institute, of which I am proud to be patron, recommends a maximum daily intake of 10 mls.

Sex With Three Men

I am a good looking mother of two in her early 30s. My husband is kind and sensitive and a lovely person. I recently told him about my sexual fantasy of having sex with three men at the same time. He was shocked at first but said that if that was what I wanted he wouldn't stop me as long as it didn't come between us. I went ahead and arranged it through a friend. I was very nervous but extremely excited beforehand. I have never felt so powerful and elated in my life as I did when I had those three men. It was the most exhilarating sexual experience imaginable. I didn't feel dirty or used. It was the best therapy I've ever had and I intend to do it again. I now feel capable of tackling anything. My hemlines have gone higher, my heels are higher and my confidence has soared. I bubble at the thought of how brazen I have been. I know that you - and 99% of your readers - will probably think that I am a slut but surely it makes more sense for a woman to have group sex than for a man to try. Women are much better equipped for coping with several sex partners. Why should other people look down on me for managing to put excitement back into my life.

I don't think you are a slut. In fact I admire you for your honesty and courage. What you do with your body is your business. But you are quite right in thinking that most people would regard you as a tramp if they knew what you had done. Since you clearly intend to continue liberating your sexual self I would suggest that for the sake of your husband and your children you need to be as careful with your reputation and your life as I hope you have been with your health (I assume that you made sure that your three lovers all wore condoms). If you are determined to repeat your adventure you must choose future lovers with great caution - discretion is vital - and you must be sure that the men you use to satisfy your desires will be sure to allow you to remain in control of the situation. Most people suppress their desires and yearnings - particularly those relating to sex - and live what they themselves probably recognise as dull and staid existences partly because they are worried by the possible consequences but mainly because they are too frightened of what other people might say or think to really let themselves go. Because they feel frustrated, angry and guilty with themselves for failing to live their lives to the full they are invariably exceedingly quick to condemn those who do ignore the normal boundaries of social behaviour. Taking three lovers may be physiologically explicable but I doubt if that will be enough to save you (and your family) from a wicked verbal savaging if the secret of your new found confidence becomes public knowledge. Finally, I suggest that you make sure that your husband benefits from your newfound confidence and happiness. His generosity in allowing you to express yourself deserves reward and if you love him then I suggest that you take every opportunity to remind him of this fact.

A Special Tax

Do you agree that since most of the crime in the world is committed by men there should be a special tax - payable only by men - to pay for police and prisons?

No. Most crimes are committed to pay for things women want - new curtains, fitted kitchens, tumble driers, food mixers and built in wardrobes. Most men would happily go through life with one pair of trousers, one shirt, one pair of socks and enough cash for beer and chips every day. If anyone should pay a special tax to pay for crime it should be women.

We Always Have To Use Our Fingers

In porn movies the stars always seem to get their parts to fit together without any help. When my boyfriend and I make love we always have to fiddle around and use our fingers to get his wotsit into my doodah. How do porn stars manage it so easily? I find this difficult to understand because some of the male stars have absolutely enormous wotsits - far bigger than any I've ever seen in real life. Incidentally, is it unusual for a woman to enjoy watching blue movies?

No, it's certainly not unusual for women to enjoy watching porn films. In most areas when women talk about having a 'coffee morning' they really mean that they are all going to sit around and watch dirty movies. The stars in these films use skilled assistants, working off camera, to facilitate penetration. To those working in the industry these highly paid individuals are known as 'toolsetters'. Next time you meet someone who tells you that he or she is a 'toolsetter' you will know how they earn their living.

My Fantasies

I often fantasise about my wife having oral sex with me while having sex with another man. I also fantasise about watching her having sex with the two men she works for. I get a terrific thrill from these fantasies. Do you think I should suggest to my wife that we turn my fantasies into reality? I don't know what she would say but I think I would get a real kick out of watching her have sex with other men.

I think you should be extremely cautious about attempting to turn your harmless and commonplace fantasies into harsh and relatively uncommon reality. If all fantasies were turned into reality the world would be one throbbing, salivating, pulsating, bulging mass of licking, fondling and thrusting. Work would stop in factories and offices from Dover to Inverness while chubby buttocked me