New Law Ė Everyone Must Now Hop and Wear Galoshes
It appears that the BBC was right when it recently appeared to warn that the coronavirus can be spread by footwear.
The British Prime Ministerís team of scientific advisors, known as the Ministerial Intelligence and Notification Team (or MINT for short) has warned that this new threat must be taken seriously if the world is to be saved and drug company profits are to be maximised.
Professor Neil Ferguson of Imperial Mints and the Bill Gates Foundation for Jabbing Scared People with Chemicals has warned that if nothing is done then 300 million Britons will need to be hospitalised and at least 370 million of them will die.
When a journalist timidly pointed out that there arenít that many people in Britain, Professor Ferguson, known to his fan club as the Eddie the Eagle of mathematical modelling, replied that as a result of foot transmission he is expecting a second, third and fourth wave of the infection which will repeatedly wipe out 150% of the entire population.
To deal with this unexpected problem the Prime Ministerís special advisor, Dominic Cummings set up a one man committee and has decided that the problem will be halved if everyone hops instead of walking.
`Hopping,í said Sir Dominic, `will mean that only one contaminated foot will be in contact with the ground at any time.í
The Governmental Advisory committee known as MINT has also recommended that all citizens should wear disposable galoshes. These can be made at home out of old shoe boxes or, for those with smaller feet, old plastic detergent containers and some sticky back tape.
For the medium and long term Lord Cummings says that the government has commissioned a factory in Hungary to manufacture three billion pairs of galoshes.
Laws to ensure that hopping and galosh wearing rules are carefully followed mean that those who do not obey will have one leg amputated. Those who break the law a second time will have a second limb amputated and so on until they have no more legs.
These rules will stay in force for 64 weeks, said the Prime Minister who added that citizens will also be expected to follow existing social distancing and lockdown rules at the same time. Two consenting adults can hop together in their own garden as long as they remain at least six feet six inches apart from each other.
A hopping hotline has been set up to provide advice for those who arenít sure how to hop satisfactorily.
Finally, citizens everywhere are advised to wash their feet in soap and water every twenty minutes.
`We must follow these rules very strictly,í said Lord Cummings. `If people are careless then there could be a great many deaths among those who spend time walking on their hands or crawling on their hands and knees.Ď
In order to encourage people to follow the guidelines the government has introduced a new set of slogans:
Wash your feet
Wear your galoshes
Hop to it
In addition, every Wednesday at 7 pm citizens will be encouraged to stand on their doorsteps, on one leg of course, and to toss their unwanted shoes into the street while chanting Shoe, Shoe, Shoe as loudly as they can.
Concerned citizens who want to help the nation will be asked to hop around their gardens or up and down their stairs (taking great care as they do so, of course) to raise money for the Bill Gates Foundation for Global Control and World Government.
If you believe any of that you probably believe in the lockdowns and social distancing, which make just as much sense, you may have been permanently destabilised and Iím afraid there is little hope for you.
Finally, donít forget to brainwash yourself every day by repeating my special mantra:
1. Distrust the government
2. Avoid mass media
3. Fight the lies
Copyright Vernon Coleman June 5th 2020