Open Letter to Jeremy Corbyn
The free stuff bribe worked well, didnít it? All the students fell for the gimmick about Ďno feesí hook, line and sinker. Stunning. And the lots of free bank holidays and loads more benefits and great pensions Ė they all went down well. Voters lapped it all up. Meanwhile, those idiots in the Tory party were making loads of really dull promises which are never going to look good on social media.
But I desperately need you to win the next election so that you fuck up the country properly.
Iím counting on you. The bill for all the money youíre going to spend wonít be paid for a few decades. By which time you and I wonít give a damn. The millenials will have to pick up the tab. So thatís their hard luck, as you know. So this is a great time. And youíre doing brilliantly.
Now, Jezza, I reckon we can make a bundle on the currency markets and stock markets when you become Prime Minister. The pound will crash and the price of essential imports such as food and oil will soar. Thatíll push up inflation, and so Carney wonít have any choice but to raise interest rates.
Whoopie! Us oldies will do well. Interest rates up, shares in oil and mining companies soaring. Great.
But youíve got to do more Jezza.
If youíre definitely going to win the next election you need more of those free offers. Nice, big £2 million homes for everyone. Free. A nice packet containing £1,000 in freshly minted notes for every voter in the land. A cut in all taxes except for rich bastards earning over £40,000 a year Ė except MPs of course. The rich bastards can pay 90% tax because they can afford it. Oh, and promise £25,000 a year in tax free cash for anyone who doesnít want to work because itís boring. Make sure that its payable to anyone who votes. And bring the voting age down to 16. And the pension age down to 30. And guarantee everyone £39,999 a year State pension, collectable at the age of 50.
That should do it.
Oh, and every time thereís a disaster anywhere, make sure you get there fast for the huggies and the selfies. Donít bother talking. Just hug and pose. Hug and pose. Great stuff, comrade.
Youíll be in Downing Street and weíll both make an absolute bundle.
The silly millenials will eventually pay the price but what do we care?
Rock on, Jezza!
Up the Revolution!
Copyright Vernon Coleman 2017
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