Too Sexy To Print




For twenty years I wrote a column which appeared in three national tabloid newspapers. These are some of the questions which editors refused to publish on the grounds that they were `too sexy to print'.

Contents
1. Sharing People
2. Good Neighbours
3. Nurses And Doctors
4. Flashers And Peepers
5. Happy Families
6. Happy Dressers
7. Sad And Nasty Bastards
8. All In The Name Of Science
9. Bad Taste (And Hard To Swallow)
10. Working With Professionals
11. Virgins
12. Working Together
13. A Bit Kinky
14. Poor Performance
15. Tarts
16. Bits And Pieces
17. Gay Times
18. Undies
19. Dirty Devils
20. Just Plain Silly




1. Sharing People

Piggy In The Middle

Question
A few months ago my husband's best pal came to stay with us after he was chucked out by his wife. (He cheats on her constantly.) On the second night both men stayed out late and I went to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and found my husband's pal fondling me. We made love and he stayed the night. The next morning neither he nor my husband said anything but it was clear my husband had slept in the spare room. That was six weeks ago and since then both men have taken it in turns to sleep with me. I don't mind. (Actually I rather enjoy it.) Do you think I should say anything?

Answer
It sounds as though you are all very happy with this rather unusual menage a trois. I suggest that (apart from the usual moaning and groaning at appropriate moments) you keep quiet.
      If you say nothing, things will probably trundle along as they are until your husband's friend gets tired and moves on. If you speak up you may embarrass your husband. Or you might find yourself with two men in your bed at a time; playing a highly erotic version of piggy in the middle.
      I assume, by the way, that you are aware of the emotional and physical dangers of sharing your favours in this way. If you get pregnant you won't know who the father is. If one of you has an infection you'll probably all get it. Buy lots of condoms and use them.


You've Been Had

Question
My boyfriend comes from Ecuador. He says that where he comes from it is customary for a woman to agree to have sex with her man's friends or workmates whenever they want it. He works as a busker with five other men from Ecuador and he says that if I want to be his girlfriend I have to have sex with all five of them. I love my boyfriend very much and do not want to lose him. So far I have slept with three of his friends. Are these men telling me the truth or do you think I am being taken advantage of?

Answer
I'm afraid you have been had. I've had a number of letters from other readers who have told a similar story and this is obviously just a common (and presumably successful) chat up line used by wandering minstrels. Give your boyfriend an ultimatum: either he agrees to a traditional monogamous relationship, and abandons this absurd wife sharing arrangement which he and his pals have dreamt up, or else you leave him to find another sucker. And tell him that in this country it is customary for a man who has conned an innocent girl to make amends by giving her all his money and doing without sex for a month.
      Finally, I suggest that you should consider yourself susceptible (not to mention gullible). In future take great care when purchasing life insurance, second-hand cars and time share apartments in Spain.


The Gym Instructor

Question
On our recent holiday I made my husband's fantasy come true by allowing him to watch me having sex with another man. Now that we are back home he wants a repeat performance and has suggested that I have sex with my gym instructor whom I have been secretly sleeping with since before we were married. Do you think I should do what my husband wants? I would prefer him to find another partner so that I could have a third man to satisfy my needs.

Answer
Although you are clearly a generous and warm-hearted woman, and it was undoubtedly very kind of you to let your husband watch you have sex with another man, yours is not what one would call an ordinary marriage, is it? (Unless your husband is an MP.)
      At this stage I don't think you need advice as much as you need a large, economy sized bag of condoms (and if you haven't been using condoms in the past you also need a season ticket to your local sexually transmitted diseases clinic).
      Many couples fantasise about doing what you've done. As a fantasy it's a fairly normal, healthy part of a relationship. When turned into reality all sorts of problems can be created - though it is also true that some relationships are, paradoxically, strengthened by this sort of activity. I hope that your marriage is one of the relatively few which can survive turning fantasy into reality.


Second Innings

Question
My former husband was a keen cricketer and I'm still a member of the club he played for. I help with the teas. My son is now one of the opening batsmen. Last Saturday the club had its annual dinner. My son and his wife left early because their baby sitter had to go home at 11.00 and after they'd gone I started flirting and smooching with a couple of the other players. When the party ended I went back to a flat shared by two of my son's best friends and spent the night in bed with both of them. When I left (after lunch on Sunday) they jokingly promised not to say anything to my son if I returned for regular repeat engagements. Both of them are unattached. I pretended to agree reluctantly but I was thrilled that they both wanted me again. My sex life has been pretty dull since my husband left. Do you think I should tell my son?

Answer
Why on earth would you want to tell your son? If you want to boast about the revival in your sexual fortunes tell a girlfriend - and enjoy watching her go green with envy. And why shouldn't you be pleased with yourself? You are, I assume, free and single and perfectly entitled to enjoy yourself. I hope your memorable success at, and subsequent to, the cricket club dinner will lead to a long-term revival in your sexual and romantic fortunes.


Just A Few

Question
I asked my wife how many men she had sex with before we got married. She said `just a few'. What do you think she means by this? Whenever I ask her to be more specific she just shrugs, smiles and starts to fondle me so that I forget the question.

Answer
If she's 40 or over `just a few' probably means she's had full sex with three men and enjoyed heavy petting with ten. I doubt if she will have had any one night stands. If she's 25 to 40-years-old she's probably had full sex with around ten men and enjoyed heavy petting with five more. She'll have probably had one night stands with three guys. If she's under 25 she'll probably regard `just a few' as having full sex with 30 to 40 men. My guess is that she's never limited herself to heavy petting. She'll have probably had one night stands with 15 strangers.


Wife Swapping

Question
What do you think about wife swapping? A friend of mine and his wife regularly attend wife swapping parties. He claims that a little extramarital nookie helps to keep their marriage alive and well while knowing that his wife knows about it means that he doesn't have to feel guilty.

Answer
Wife swapping is to a healthy, happy marriage what anthrax is to public health.
      Have you noticed, by the way, that people only ever talk about wife swapping? The phrase `wife swapping' conjures up thoughts of stockings and suspenders, lust and high-octane sex.
      On the other hand the phrase `husband swapping' is more likely to conjure up thoughts of one middle aged man in a chunky sweater and grubby jeans popping round to fix a faulty toilet while another, identically dressed husband, does a little light guest electrical work in the loft.


Over-sexed Wife

Question
My wife was a self-confessed nymphomaniac when we married. She promised to do her best to change. But her best has not been very good, in the two years since we've been married she has to my certain knowledge had sex with both my cousins (I never liked them anyway), two of the guys I work with, three neighbours, a guy she met on holiday, two blokes she met in the pub when out with girlfriends and four men she works with. The only thing in her favour is the fact that she is honest and always tells me afterwards. Do you think she will ever change?

Answer
Your wife won't change until she knows why she behaves in this way. What is missing? What is she looking for? The chances are that she is desperately searching for love, romance, approval and affection. Try to give her more of these things yourself. Tell her daily how beautiful she is, how sexy she is and, most important of all, how much you love her.
      Finally, I suspect that you may have been too understanding and too forgiving. Unless you enjoy sharing your wife with the rest of the local male population I suggest you make your disapproval clear. And you should both get appointments at the local sexually transmitted diseases clinic. I assume that your wife has insisted that her partners use condoms but although condoms provide some protection they aren't always 100% effective.


Three Into One Will Go

Question
My wife enjoys having sex with strangers and I like watching her. I recently took her to a meeting with two foreign business colleagues and introduced her as a hooker I'd hired for the evening. She had sex with both of them while I watched and then I had sex with her while they watched. They had no idea that it was my wife they'd had sex with. As a bonus, I saved the money I would have spent on hiring a prostitute.

Answer
Thank you for sharing with us your cost cutting tip. I feel sure that businessmen everywhere will be eager to follow your example. Walter Wallkarpet, who has been a commercial traveller for 54 years, says he tried to do something similar with Mrs Wallkarpet last year while on a business trip to America. Sadly, the 326 hardware salesmen to whom he made the offer showed embarrassingly little interest in the proposition.


Free Sex

Question
I have been married for 22 years to a wonderful man. A year ago he kept on at me to go to bed with another man to see what it was like as I have only ever slept with him. After months of wearing me down I agreed. My husband arranged it for a Saturday night with one of his pals from work. I always thought men got turned on by watching their wives having sex with other men but this was different. He told us to use our bedroom while he slept in the spare room. This now happens every Saturday night and my husband always brings my lover and myself breakfast on Sunday morning. I am only doing this to please my husband but would like to know what he gets out of it as he never watches or joins in. My lover is no better in bed than my husband. I suppose I must get a thrill out of it or I would not do it.

Answer
Your arrangement sounds quaintly suburban and neurotic the only odd thing about it is that somehow it doesn't seem in the slightest bit strange. I have a feeling that your husband probably wears a nice frilly pinny over his cavalry twill trousers and checked shirt when he delivers breakfast on Sunday mornings. I can see what your lover gets out of this. (Free sex with no responsibility). And I can see that you might get a thrill out of your Saturday Night Special. But I'm not sure what your hubby gets out of it. Maybe he's a masochist who gets a kick out of knowing that he is being cuckolded. Maybe he gets a warm glow from sharing you with another guy. Or he may just need a night off occasionally. Who knows. Who cares. As long as you are all happy. You are, I assume, taking care to minimise the risks of infection and pregnancy.


My Wife's A Nymphomaniac

Question
I think my wife is a nymphomaniac. Before we got married she had scores of boyfriends and slept with them all. She had quite a reputation. When we married she swore she'd be faithful but we've only been married for four months and she's already had sex with two of my friends and a man she met in a club while out with some girlfriends. She makes no secret of her sexual needs and says that she only went with these men for the sex. She insists that she loves me. Can I believe her?

Answer
Sex and love don't have to go together, and your wife may be being honest in telling you that she loves only you, but if she loved you enough she would understand the damage her constant promiscuity is doing to your relationship and she would realise that her unfaithfulness is slowly wrecking your trust and love for her.
      The bad news is that unless you are happy for your wife to have a string of lovers, or she admits that she has to change (and then makes a real effort to do just that) you are probably going to have to divorce her. The good news is that you'll probably be better off without her. She isn't ready for marriage. She is, however, ready for a series of appointments in the Clinic for Infected Satyrs & Nymphos at your local hospital.


Unusual Relationship

Question
For nine months now I've been going out with a beautiful girl I met in a club. It is, I admit, a pretty unusual relationship. On Friday and Saturday nights we usually end up having a threesome with men she's picked up in a club. Last weekend, while she was making love with a guy I'd never seen before (I didn't even know his name) I suddenly realised that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman so I asked her to marry me. She turned her head, smiled at me and accepted. It was a rather strange situation because neither she nor the bloke she was with attempted to stop what they were doing. I have told her that I don't want her picking up any more strangers when we are married but she wants us to carry on as before.

Answer
I'm sorry to be a party pooper but I think you should put your marriage plans on hold. Your relationship with this woman is heading for a wall - with a big crash and a lot of damage inevitable. One of you is going to have to give way - and be happy about the change in your lifestyle - before this marriage will work.


Impromptu Trio

Question
I don't like sex very much but my husband is very highly sexed and expects it two or three times a week. I recently discovered that a female friend who is divorced is desperate for sex. I jokingly suggested that she take my husband off my hands once or twice a week. To my astonishment she took me seriously and said that she'd be delighted. At the time I tried to laugh it off but after thinking about it, it did seem like a pretty perfect solution to all our problems. When we talked about it again my friend promised that she just wants my husband for physical sex and that she will not try to steal him from me. When I broached the idea with my husband he said he didn't mind if I don't mind. He says he has never particularly fancied my friend but that he agrees that it's a pretty good idea.

Answer
Assuming that you can deal successfully with the risk of an unwanted pregnancy, or the risk of one member of your impromptu trio giving someone else an unwanted infection, the only problem you have remaining is the fact that you won't know how you'll really feel about any of this until after it has happened.
      Your proposal may all sound very fine in theory but do think about it very carefully. If this goes ahead your husband is going to be tweaking your best friend's perky bits and she's going to be nibbling on his family jewels. He's going to park his sports car in her garage. Imagine it. Think about it before you give the final go-ahead. And retain a right to veto further performances if you find the whole thing too difficult to deal with once it starts.


Sex Show

Question
My boyfriend wants me to take part in a threesome. For several weeks now he has been pestering me to get my best friend to come to bed with us. I think she would probably be willing but I'm not. I don't fancy watching my boyfriend make love to her and I have absolutely no yearning to put on a sex show with her for my boyfriend's entertainment. The trouble is that he simply won't take no for an answer and I'm getting really fed up with him going on about it.

Answer
I asked my friends Troilism and Cressida for their views on your problem. Troilism is so stupid that she once told me that she thought that the movie African Queen was about a black gay, and Cressida has been fondled by so many local men that a local pillar once described her as having a `community chest'. However, they both know which end of a spade to use to do the digging and I respect their views on topics of the heart. Troilism instantly suggested that you tell your boyfriend what to do, using just two words (the second being `off'). Cressida, who has apparently been studying English at the local college, pointed out that it is incorrect to end a sentence with a preposition but agreed, in general terms, with Troilism's sentiments. I agree with them both. Buy the sleazeball boyfriend a pair of trouser clips and tell him to get on his bike and pedal off into the sunset.


Likes To Watch

Question
I met a woman in a pub and went home with her. I had quite a shock when it turned out that she was married and still living with her husband. Her hubby turned out to be a decent bloke. He said I could have sex with his wife as long as he could sit and watch. I was a bit embarrassed the first time but he never said anything and I soon got used to it. Now I have sex with his wife twice a week. He sits quietly on a chair in the corner of the bedroom and then fetches us beer and cigarettes afterwards. Have you ever heard of anything like this happening to anyone else?

Answer
Maybe her husband is impotent. Maybe he is gay. Maybe his wife needs more sex than he can offer her and he stays in the room just to make sure that she doesn't get hurt. Or maybe he just enjoys watching his wife have sex with another man. (This is far commoner than you might imagine.)
      As long as you are all getting something out of this, and are all satisfied with the unwritten rules, there is no reason for you to stop. I assume that you take whatever precautions may be suitable to make sure that the woman doesn't get pregnant and that no infectious diseases are spread either way.


Wife Watchers

Question
It is commoner than you'd imagine for husbands to watch their wives make love with another man. Such husbands are known as `wife watchers'. I am one. Your explanations for this behaviour are accurate but in many cases the lover is physically different to the husband. I know two Indian husbands who enjoy watching their young Indian wives going with white men. I know one very skinny husband whose wife's lovers are muscular, body builders. One petite wife has a lover who is over a foot taller than her husband. Wife watching is extremely popular today.

Answer
I know from my mailbag that you are absolutely right: `wife watching' is now almost certainly the world's most popular indoor sport. And yet curiously I have never received one letter from a woman who indulges in `husband watching'. It seems that while millions of men enjoy sharing their wives with male strangers few, if any, women enjoy watching their husbands make love to other women.


Aftershave And Booze

Question
My girlfriend is very passionate and extremely adventurous in bed. Ever since I have been going out with her she has always liked to tie me up when we have sex. However, just recently she has taken to leaving me tied up for hours while she goes out with her friends. On one occasion she left me tied up all night. She always smells of aftershave and booze when she eventually gets back. Is there something going on here or am I just being paranoid?

Answer
I don't think you need to worry too much about paranoia. My guess is that if you regard fidelity as a requirement in a relationship then you may need to start looking for a new girlfriend.


Many Lovers

Question
I recently had quite a shock when my fiancee (who is 42 and French) confessed to me that she’d had 40 lovers before me. I knew she wasn't a virgin, of course (she has been married twice) but when I asked her how many lovers she’d had I thought the answer would be perhaps a dozen or so. To be frank I thought I had put it about a bit but on adding up I find that I've had less than half the number of lovers she's had. Do you think I should be worried about her admitted promiscuity?

Answer
Why on earth should you be worried? Extensive research, conducted at enormous cost, has shown that it is quite normal for women to have had several dozen lovers by the time they reach their middle years. French women are particularly likely to be well experienced in sexual matters. One expert recently told me that the average French woman over the age of 25 can be expected to have had the same number of lovers as her age. Your fiancee is, therefore, slightly below par at the moment. Assuming that the risk of infection has been entirely eliminated you need have no concern whatsoever about the number of lovers your fiancee has had in the past. Your concern should be devoted exclusively to the number of lovers she has in the future.


Dirty Movies

Question
When my mate Bill came round to my place with a new camcorder my girlfriend asked him if he was going to start making dirty movies. He laughed but it seemed she wasn't joking. She asked him to film the two of us making love. I was a bit shocked and not at all keen but when Bill told her to get her things off if she really meant it my girl stripped and then unfastened my trousers. We ended up making love on the sofa while Bill filmed us. When I'd finished she was still randy and she came on strong to Bill. I ended up filming him making love to her. Bill has made copies of the film we made and has shown it to quite a few people. I'm worried. Did we do anything illegal?

Answer
Almost certainly. Governments are introducing new laws so rapidly that it is impossible to keep up with them. (Although, of course, if you happen to be a large, very rich international corporation intent on ripping off the ordinary punter you can do pretty much what you like.)
      Putting aside the questions of legality, infection and pregnancy (none of which are considerations to be treated lightly) there are other aspects of your relationship which may bear some thought. You say that you were shocked and not at all keen when all this started. Are you truly happy about what eventually happened? Are you happy about sharing your girlfriend? Has this happened before? Will it happen again?
      You and your girlfriend need to talk these things through and make a joint decision about whether or not this sort of activity is going to become a regular part of your relationship.


Three's Not A Crowd

Question
I'd desperately love my wife to have sex with another bloke while I watch and take photographs. I've told her about my fantasy but she just laughs and calls me a pervert. I have shown nude photographs of her to quite a few friends and strangers and I recently took the bathroom curtains down so that when she has a shower men in the street outside can see her walking about naked. I sometimes go and stand in the street with the dog walkers and other passers-by. I am thinking of getting her drunk and paying for a male escort to screw her while I watch. Am I alone in wanting to watch my wife having sex with other men?

Answer
Your fantasy is by no means unusual. But the methods you have employed while endeavouring to explore this portion of your sexual self are reprehensible, exploitative and inexcusable.
      If you want to turn this particular fantasy into reality then you should only do so with your wife's full knowledge and support. Meanwhile, say 69 hail Marys, fill your shoes with dried peas for a week and buy your wife a large and expensive bunch of flowers.


2. Good Neighbours
Dying For Love

Question
I am 22-years-old, slightly overweight and very plain looking. However, the old man living next door to me thinks rather differently about my appearance. He is always complimenting me on the way I look. When I am hanging out the washing on the line for my mum I can see him ogling me from his kitchen. He is the first and only man to make me feel really sexy.
      I have recently started wearing a short skirt when I am hanging the washing out just to make him desire me more. I fantasise about going to bed with him and if he asked me I would do it like a shot. My only fear is that he might have a heart attack while we are having sex. He is in his late sixties and I have heard that he suffers from angina. What are the risks?

Answer
There are risks but they are, I suspect, risks that your neighbour will probably be prepared to take. Next wash day pop round to borrow a couple of clothes pegs and give him a flash of thigh and cleavage. My guess is that your wish will then come true. Be gentle with him and do as much of the work as you can. Maybe your mutual lust will one day metamorphose into love. Calm your fears with the knowledge that although it is remarkably common for men to have heart attacks and die in circumstances like this I have never known one of them to complain afterwards.


Neighbourhood Watch

Question
We recently moved to a new home on an estate. The neighbours are very nosy. When we moved in they all stood around staring as our belongings were carried into the house. Now that we are in the house they are constantly quizzing the children to find out everything they can about us. What can we do about it?

Answer
Put up a large noticeboard outside your house. Pin to it a summary of everything anyone could possibly want to know about you. Something like this should get the message across: `Thank you for taking an interest in our family. My name is Mabel and my husband's name is Jack. I am a former stripper and now work in a topless massage parlour. My husband is a pickpocket, though he has not yet been caught by the police. Three of our six children are mine - though they all have different fathers. The other three are my husband's by his previous two wives. Our average annual income is £24,000. We have an 80% mortgage and we will be in real trouble if interest rates go above 9%. Our favourite TV programme is Emmerdale Farm. We have sex every week on Wednesday evenings and sometimes on Sunday mornings. My husband likes to do it in the doggy position. To reach orgasm I use a black vibrator that takes 2 x AA batteries.'


A Likely Story

Question
I came home early a week ago and found my husband on the living room couch with my best friend who lives next door. My husband was in his underpants and my friend was wearing just her bra and panties. When I entered the room my friend picked up her clothes and ran out. My husband blushed bright red and said that they had taken off their clothes because it was so hot. I don't know whether or not to believe him. It sounds very unlikely to me but he's never lied to me before. I love him very much and don't want to lose him. If there was something going on I think it was probably my friend's fault. I like her but she is a bit of a floozy.

Answer
Your husband isn't one of the Grimm Brothers is he? This sounds to me very much like a fairy tale. No man I know would try to keep cool by sitting on a couch with a floozy wearing undies. (Incidentally, how do you know he's never lied to you before?) Give your husband a hug, hold his tenderest bits in your hand and in your sexiest whisper tell him exactly what you'll do to the bits you're holding if you find him helping any other floozies to keep cool. Oh, and the Welsh Princess wisely suggests that you should ban the floozy from your home. She's no friend.


A Couple Of Swingers

Question
Just under a year ago my husband discovered that wife swapping is very popular at the golf club where we are both members. At first we were both shocked and surprised. But gradually it became clear that my husband was fascinated by his discovery - and keen to find out more. My initial disapproval was slowly replaced by curiosity. Our sex life was lively when we first met but it has been pretty moribund for several years and I'm not ready to settle for memories just yet. A few discreet enquiries led to our being invited to a party at the home of another member. The end result was that I had a fantastic time while my husband was impotent (for only the second time in his life) and couldn't do anything with anyone. Now my husband won't sleep with me. He openly calls me a tart and a slag. Things aren't made easier by the fact that I'd very much like to go again.

Answer
Your experience is by no means unusual. Men are often the ones who are keen on swapping wives before they've done it. But afterwards, when they've been swapped, the wives become keen and the husbands often lose some of their enthusiasm.
      Your husband is being unreasonable. Remind him that it was all his idea. You're going to have to face the fact that if you are going to repair your marriage then your future swinging is going to be confined to things you do with a bunch of sticks down at the golf club.


Friendly Neighbours

Question
My wife and I recently moved onto a rather upmarket housing estate. During our first week there my wife was told by a neighbour that there was a very active local social scene and that if we wanted to join in we would be very welcome. The neighbour wasn't talking about coffee mornings and dinner parties but about orgies and wife swapping. Now we're very involved and go out three or four times a week. The advantage of it all being local is that no one has to drive and so we can all drink as much as we want. In fact this is the problem. I'm now worried that I'm drinking too much. I drink between six and eight bottles of wine a week - plus ten or fifteen pints of beer. Is that too much? I'm worried that if I continue to drink excessively my sexual prowess might be affected.

Answer
If you keep on at the present rate your sex life won't be the only thing to suffer. You're heading for trouble and you'll never find it easier to cut down than you will now.
      Perhaps you ought to ask yourself why you are drinking so much. Are you, perhaps, drinking because you aren't entirely happy with your new social arrangements? If you have fears, apprehensions or anxieties which you aren't confronting then this would be a good time for you to face them and share them with your wife.


3. Nurses and Doctors
Black Stockings

Question
I was horrified to read recently that some hospitals have banned nurses from wearing black stockings. A stuffy nursing spokesman allegedly claimed that patients should worry more about the quality of the nursing care than about what nurses are wearing.

Answer
I too was shocked when I heard this tragic story. Recovery and survival rates on male wards will slump if this nonsense becomes widespread. Nurses who still wear black stockings deserve all our support. They're clearly not getting enough support from the authorities. Are the authorities really going to suspend nurses who break this silly rule? Unreliable research has shown conclusively that 74% of men get better when nursed by women wearing black stockings rather than by women wearing horrid brown, baggy tights.


Dirty Doctor

Question
I am a 22-year-old girl. My doctor makes me strip to my undies every time I visit his surgery. Even when I visit with a sore throat he makes me take my clothes off. He doesn't make my mother or my brother take their clothes off when they visit him with similar problems. I am fairly healthy and have no long-term health problems which would explain this.

Answer
The explanation, I fear, is simple: you look much better in your underwear than your mother and brother do in theirs. If you allow this to continue it won't be long before your doctor gets you to sit on his lap and wriggle about while he stuffs £5 notes into your knickers and bra. Next time you are invited to `pop behind the screen and slip your things off' I suggest you ask him why. Finding a new doctor sounds as if it would be a favourable option.


Hair Today - Gone Tomorrow

Question
When I had a vasectomy three years ago a nurse told me to shave my balls. I am still shaving my balls. Should I still do this?

Answer
I think you can safely regard the operative procedure as over now. You can safely stop shaving your balls. Unless you find the experience pleasant and consider the consequences attractive, in which case the whole business comes under the heading `exterior design' rather than `medicine and health'.


Carry On Nursing

Question
I work as a nurse in a geriatric hospital. A month or so ago, one of the patients put his hand up my skirt while I was making his bed. I shouted at him but felt bad about it afterwards. He is in his late 80s and dying. The following day I quietly put his hand on my leg, just above the knee, and smiled at him. He hesitated for a moment and then slid his hand up onto my thigh. He winked and gave me the most beautiful smile. Nothing else happened. Unfortunately, one of the other nurses reported me. I have been given an official warning and moved onto a women's ward.

Answer
You probably did that old man far more good than a wheelbarrow full of pills. When I worked as a hospital doctor I remember one old man, well into his 90s, who had tubes fitted into just about every orifice and who was clinging to life by his fingernails. He could not speak and could hardly move but whenever a pretty nurse came within reach he would try to touch her. Most of the nurses were happy to put up with this. The only one who protested was built like a shot-putter, had legs like bollards and a thick moustache on her upper lip. She was a dull clock watcher with no compassion and the patients all hated her. The old man never tried to touch her but she complained anyway. She wanted to have her colleagues defrocked. I'm delighted to say that we ignored her ridiculous protest.
      It is sad that times have changed. Take heart from the knowledge that you did the right thing.


Stockings And Suspenders

Question
Is it true that you once said that nurses working on hospital wards should do their bit to bring smiles to pale faces by wearing short skirts, stockings and suspender belts?

Answer
Yes, I am delighted to say that it is true. I seem to remember that when I first said this, several thousand outraged and humourless nurses (presumably not wearing short skirts, stockings or suspender belts) marched to Kidderminster to protest. They intended to march to Westminster but they weren't very bright.


4. Flashers and Peepers
Big Brother's Watching

Question
My boyfriend and I want to make love with people watching. We tried `dogging' in a car park but even though we weren't hurting anyone else we were threatened with arrest by a pair of very aggressive policemen. However, it gave us both a real kick to know that we were being watched. Now we've bought a Web camera and we want to set up a website. We plan to have sex every night live on camera. Is this illegal?

Answer
We have daft laws. We allow people to box each other in public but we don't allow people to make love in public. The law allows a promoter to put on an event in which two men will pummel each other until one collapses - and possibly even dies. But the law doesn't allow two people to make love in public. Civilised? Pfui.
      If you have live sex on the Web you will undoubtedly be breaking a law somewhere. (Remember that the Web is worldwide and that everything published on it is subject to hundreds of different laws.) Of course if you can arrange it so that no one knows who or where you are it will be tricky for the idiots in blue to burst through your door with machine guns and economy sized tins of riot gas.


Street Walker

Question
I am a 35-year-old divorced woman. I live alone and don't have a boyfriend. I have a very responsible job which means that I have to dress in a very formal sort of way.
      I have recently started going out in the evening for long walks in the built-up area where I live. I put on lots of make-up and wear my highest heels (even though they hurt my feet). Underneath my coat I wear nothing but my flimsiest underwear. Sometimes I leave off my panties. Towards the end of my walk I usually unbutton my coat and just hold it together with my hands. Sometimes I pop into a pub or a shop. Last week a gust of wind caught me by surprise and a group of men standing outside a pub got quite an eyeful. I get a real kick out of this but I know that what I am doing is very risky.

Answer
If you carry on doing what you are doing you could end up being attacked. Lots of women get a kick out of exposing themselves (usually to strangers) but it is important to do this under relatively controlled circumstances. Look around and you should be able to find a club which welcomes exhibitionists but keeps out the vicious and the dangerous. And try to find a friend to go with you.
      Loneliness is undoubtedly much of your problem. You need to meet someone with whom you can share your life. But to do that you have to make an effort. Join clubs or enrol with a respectable and responsible dating service (and, to protect yourself, make sure that you follow their rules when meeting new people).


Naked Ambition

Question
I love posing nude. My husband is a keen photographer and every weekend he takes a roll of film of me naked. Most of the time he shoots in our home but sometimes we do it in a hotel or out of doors. (We had one amazing session in our local High Street at 7.00 a.m. one Sunday morning. I posed starkers outside the Post Office and every big store.) He now wants to sell some of the photographs he has taken to a men's magazine. I'm perfectly happy about this. To be honest I'm turned on by the idea of complete strangers seeing my naked body. But do you know how we set about doing this? Also I would like to do some nude modelling.

Answer
Get your husband to put on his oldest, dirtiest raincoat and to pop into a local newsagents (or, if he's nervous about being recognised into a not so local newsagents). He should then buy all the magazines on the top shelf (as long as they are filled with pictures of naked women rather than articles about fishing, trainspotting or ways to build your own nuclear power plant). The ever delectable, statuesque and slightly wobbly Field Marshall Eva Legova (78-22-44 this week), who has just been appointed a senior Strategic Adviser to NATO (Milton Keynes division), tells me that many such magazines welcome photographs taken by readers - and include details of where to send pictures and what the magazine will pay. Before sending photos off to a magazine make sure that you're happy about the world seeing pictures of you naked. The chances of your neighbours seeing (and admitting they've seen) pictures of you starkers may be slim but it is a real risk. And there is always one co-worker or neighbour who will, having spotted you, want to share the secret with everyone else.
      To pose nude for other photographers or artists I suggest you get in touch with local camera clubs, art clubs or colleges offering art courses. There is always a demand for nude models. You may have to put up with goose pimples (studios aren't always as well heated as they might be) but you will be able to satisfy your exhibitionistic tendencies.


Overlooked

Question
I am a single, 37-year-old woman. I live in a small house which is overlooked by a large block of flats. Every evening when I undress I do so without closing the curtains. At least half a dozen men who have flats overlooking my window watch me - a couple of them use telescopes or cameras. I always undress at exactly the same time - and I sometimes wander about in my undies or naked - for half an hour or so. I get a real thrill from knowing that men are watching me. I know that what I am doing could be dangerous but I can't stop myself. Have you ever heard of other women doing this? Can you suggest any other ways I could have similar fun?

Answer>
A surprising number of women get a kick out of exhibitionism and what you are doing is certainly not unusual. (Curiously, the men who watch you could all be arrested as peeping Toms). If you yearn for fresh adventures why not consider turning your hobby into a business? It might be safer. Posing nude for men’s magazines and stripping at clubs or private parties are just some of the most obvious career opportunities you might like to consider.


Front Page News

Question
Is it illegal to pose nude for photographs out of doors? My boyfriend loves taking nude pictures of me and I love modelling. We want to spread our wings a bit but we don't want to find ourselves featuring on the front page of the local paper.

Answer
You will get into trouble only if you get caught (though I should wait until the weather is a little warmer if I were you). Minimise the risk by finding a quiet rural spot for your modelling. The police are much more likely to come banging on your door if you have been stripping off in your local supermarket car park than they are if you have been posing in a quiet woodland grove. A recent utterly unreliable survey conducted by two bellringers and a team of Scandinavian trichologists showed that six out of ten women have posed nude out of doors, nine out of ten would like to and the rest can't undo their corsets without help from the district nurse.


Preserved In Aspic

Question
Sixteen years ago a man `flashed' at me in a local park. I was in my early 20s at the time. He served a short sentence but is now free to roam around. I moved away and have never seen him again but every day I wake up hoping that I will see him. I carry a knife with me at all times. If I see him again I will chop off his thing.

Answer
Flashers are pathetic, sad, desperate creatures, driven by some very strange demons. The man who offended you has been punished and must now pay a heavy price for his crime for the rest of his life. What more do you want? His head on a stake? His body swinging on a gibbet? His errant member preserved in aspic on your mantlepiece? Your hysterical, over reaction won't help him and it certainly won't help you. You are currently more of a menace to society than he is. Get yourself measured for a straight jacket until you've learned to forget this fairly trivial incident.


Return To Sender

Question
I have started walking around the house in my undies and stockings for the thrill of being seen through the windows by passers-by. Our road is deserted during the day so I send myself letters and parcels so that I can open the door to the postman in my undies or with just a little towel in front of me as though I've just got out of the shower. It's exciting for me though the postie, who is in his 50s, doesn't seem that interested.

Answer
I hope the Human Resources staff at the Post Office read this. If they don't they may find it difficult to understand why they suddenly receive such a flood of applications from enthusiastic would-be postmen.
      Stripping off in public is becoming increasingly common. It seems that everyone is doing it these days. I'm told that there are even mature WI ladies who are not averse to taking time off from jam making to rip off their camisoles and bare their essentials.
      Have you thought of visiting a nudist resort? That might prove more satisfactory. Or you could visit a fetish club where nudity (or partial nudity) is welcomed. Alternatively, you could turn your new hobby into a money-spinner by getting yourself a job as a stripper or nude model.


Getting The Sack

Question
A year or so ago my husband sent nude photographs of me to a men’s magazine. This was done with my permission. I enjoyed posing for the pictures and I thought they looked good. As a result I was invited to pose nude for a professional photographer and to do some shots for a website. Now someone I work for has found out about the photographs and has threatened to tell my boss unless I have sex with him. None of the photographs was of me doing anything illegal but I suspect that my boss may sack me if he finds out. I have quite a responsible job in a large, well known company.

Answer
You have done nothing illegal or unethical and it is difficult to see how your boss could justify sacking you for something you've done in your own time. If bosses started sacking staff whose hobbies they didn't like all sorts of people would be for the chop. My list would include people who voluntarily bare their souls on daytime television, fishermen, hunters and men over 12 who are still Boy Scouts.


Nude Pictures

Question
My wife is going away on a course for a month. She wants photographs of me in the nude to take with her. I am very willing to pose for her (and have told her that I am happy for her to show them to other women on her course) but is it legal for my wife to take such photographs?

Answer
If you pose as an upright citizen you could get into trouble and should, therefore, hold a small black rectangle over the most pertinent part of your person. Ordinary `naturism' shots shouldn't be a problem. To minimise risk use an instant camera that coughs out pictures seconds after you've taken them so that you don't have to send your film off to be developed.


Naughty Forty

Question
I'd love to strip in a pub and am thinking of joining a strippergram agency. Do you think they would take on a woman in her 40s who is beginning to put on a bit of weight? I've mentioned the idea to a couple of a friends who both say my breasts are too big.

Answer
Definitely. Most male audiences prefer to look at naked women who have wobbly bits - rather than at naked women whose bones stick out making them look like adverts for Oxfam. If you want to be a stripper it's impossible to have breasts which are too big. If you feel sexy, you want to show off your body and are prepared to practise a bit the chances are good that you'll be a huge hit. Ignore the knockers - no one else will.


So Unfair

Question
Why are women so unfair? I recently complimented a girl in a pub on her legs (she was sitting on a barstool and her skirt was so short that I could see her panties). The compliment was genuinely felt and politely delivered but she called me a sexist pig and asked the landlord to throw me out.

Answer
I sympathise with your dilemma. Some women, particularly younger and less experienced ones, do seem to find it difficult to decide how to handle their own sex appeal or deal with the attention that excessive advertising may attract. I was waiting in an airport lounge recently when an extremely well-upholstered young woman (40DD was my professional opinion) walked by wearing a very tight, white T-shirt (and no bra). She was swinging her behind as she walked and her breasts bobbed and bounced hypnotically. Her nipples were so large and firm that they were threatening to poke holes in the thin material. The whole outfit screamed `Look at my beautiful big breasts. Aren't they amazing?'. But when an innocent young male observer offered a rather modest and well meant wolf whistle she quite unreasonably screamed abuse at him and threatened to call a policeman.


Caught On Camera

Question
My girlfriend and I like having sex in front of security cameras. She really gets quite a kick out of knowing that our every move is being watched. Do you know if this is legal? Are we likely to get into trouble?

Answer
You are almost certainly breaking a few dozen laws. Making love in private (let alone in public) is bound to be something of which our miserable, jack booted rulers disapprove. So be prepared to find yourself hauled in front of a tight-sphinctered magistrate and subjected to a dull lecture about lewd behaviour. You should also be prepared to watch yourself on one of those awful television programmes which use compromising footage taken from security cameras.


Sorry Ever After

Question
I went to a wedding and met a guy I'd never seen before. He was gorgeous. We danced and flirted and then I lost him for a while. When I found him again he was sitting chatting to one of the bridesmaids. I sat on his lap and kissed him and when I felt that he had an erection I reached under me and unfastened his trousers. Somehow he managed to get inside me and we made love right there in the middle of the reception. There must have been at least 60 people in the room. I had the most amazing orgasm. I didn't think anyone had noticed but when I stood up 20 or 30 people cheered. A friend told me that the bridesmaid had stormed off half way through. Afterwards I found out that she had been engaged to the man I'd made love to. Do you think I should apologise to her?

Answer
I don't think a funny card with `Sorry' on it is going to make this one better I'm afraid. If you have hopes of making this particular bridesmaid a bosom pal you should put them on hold for 30 or 40 years. I think that this is one of those occasions when keeping your head down is a good move. (Actually, I think I could have probably worded that a little better but what the hell.)


5. Happy Families
Faulty Equipment

Question
My husband is impotent and once a month he brings me a man home from the pub. It is always a different man. We do it in the spare bedroom while my husband stays downstairs and watches TV. The men never stay the night. We have done this for two years. My husband does this because he says he would rather I have sex with strangers than that I have an affair which might lead to romance, love and a break up of our marriage. I do not find once a month satisfying and last week I asked my husband if we could change the arrangement to a fortnightly one. He thought about it and said we could on condition that I allow him to watch. Do you think this is normal?

Answer
Nothing about your marriage could be described as `normal'. If your husband is generous enough to find you lovers then the least you can do is to allow him to see what you're getting for his money.
      Incidentally, has it never occurred to either you or your husband that it is perfectly possible for a man with a little imagination to satisfy his wife even if he cannot get an erection? (I am assuming that your husband's doctor insists that there is nothing that can be done to restore your husband's equipment to working order.)


Menage a trois

Question
My husband's friend came to stay when he got divorced four months ago. At first I just felt sorry for him but gradually I found myself getting to like him more and more. He is a very attentive man and he always compliments me on my cooking and on the way I keep the house. Although he realised that his friend and I were getting close my husband started going out and leaving us alone. Eventually, the inevitable happened and we ended up in bed.
      My husband came back while we were still in bed together and to my surprise he didn't seem to mind at all.
      We now have what I believe the French call a menage a trois. I sleep alternate nights with my husband and his friend. Sometimes, usually on Saturdays, all three of us share a bed.

Answer
Europhiles will applaud the fact that you have adopted the continental way of life. Your threesome wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea but then stamp collecting, cross stitch and train spotting aren't everyone's cup of tea either. If you are all happy with your arrangement, and you take the necessary precautions to prevent the spread of infection or the development of an unwanted pregnancy, there seems no need why your arrangement should not continue indefinitely.


Can't Carry On

Question
How often should a married couple make love? My wife wants to do it every morning and every evening and I am not sure how much longer I can carry on doing this. I am exhausted.

Answer
According to the official figures, your wife needs another 14 husbands to satisfy her requirements unless you are a Member of Parliament in which case she needs another 15 husbands. You and your wife need to talk since if you go on at this rate there is a considerable risk that you will disappear completely. You need to experiment a little. There are other ways to satisfy your wife's massive needs without wearing yourself out completely. As the world's first agony uncle, Confucius, once said: `A pencil will last a long time if used cautiously and sparingly. But sharpen it too often and you will wish you had thought more and written less.'


Horrified Wife

Question
For nearly a year now my husband has stayed up much later than me. I go to bed, read for ten minutes and fall asleep. He stays downstairs and watches TV. The other night I couldn't sleep so I got up and went downstairs to see what he was watching. I was horrified when I found he was sitting on the sofa watching soft porn. We had a huge row about it. He says it was none of my business. But I think he is a pervert. I won't leave him alone with our children now, though I must admit that there were no children involved in the porn he was watching.

Answer
You are overreacting. If every man who watches nude video frolics is a pervert then the perverts are probably in the majority. You are being absurdly censorious in refusing to leave your husband alone with your children solely because of this. As far as I am aware there is no more of a link between soft porn and paedophilia than there is between illegal parking and philately.
      A much healthier response would have been for you to ask your husband if you could join him on the sofa. From what you say in your letter I rather suspect that your sex life hasn't exactly been keeping the chandeliers swinging for the last few months. Unless you unbutton a little and let your hair (and your knickers) down your marriage may not have much of a future.


Once A Week

Question
How often do people really have sex? My husband and I have been married for six months and we do it at most once a week. It rarely lasts for more than seven or eight minutes at a time. Are we normal?

Answer
Yes. You are getting as much as most people are. However, most men and some women lie about the amount of time they spend making love - and say that they do it more often than this. The Welsh Princess suggests that if the Government introduced a tax on sex (say, £5 for every orgasm) most men would happily pay far more than they owed, rather than admit their shortcomings.


A French Affair

Question
On a recent trip to Paris I got drunk, fell and broke my leg. While in hospital there I fell in love with a French nurse. She doesn't speak English and I don't speak French. Do you think there is any chance that we could make a go of a relationship?

Answer
It sounds as though you did quite a lot of falling while you were in France. Two falls do usually lead to a submission. (I have to tell you that it took a great deal of willpower not to succumb to temptation and describe you as having been plastered in Paris. Actually you were plastered there twice, of course.) Since most happily married couples rarely, if ever, say anything nice to one another there is every chance that your relationship will be blessed indeed. She won't be able to nag. You won't have to lie. Marry this woman now and look forward to a life of bliss.


High Sex Drive

Question
My wife and I used to have a good sex life but some years ago she went off sex and is now not interested in love making at all. I want to stay married to her but I'm only in my 40s, I have a high sex drive and I need to make love to someone. My wife won't speak to the doctor (or anyone else) about this. But she has given me her blessing and told me to find a mistress. I don't want to pay for it - I'm too romantic for that. Where can I find someone?

Answer
Try again to persuade your wife to visit her doctor. If, for example, she has gone off sex because she finds it painful then he may be able to help her. If you take a mistress it will undoubtedly put a great strain on your marriage. It will, indeed, change your relationship with your wife. Your yearning to find someone with whom you can have a romantic relationship means that your marriage will be under far more threat than if you were simply looking for a purely physical relationship. Where can you find a mistress? Look around. Where did you find your wife?


Keeping It In The Family

Question
I have a steady girlfriend but for two years I've been having regular extra sex with a girl who lives nearby. I usually go round to her house two or three times a week. Last Friday I turned up unexpectedly and saw my Dad's car parked outside. I waited and saw him leave. When I confronted her the girl admitted that she's been seeing my Dad several times a week for eight months. We aren't the only ones. I found out that she has been having it off with at least six other blokes. I feel really shocked, knowing that I've been sharing a woman with my Dad. And I feel gutted about my Dad cheating on my Mum. But it's difficult for me to say anything because of me having been cheating on my girlfriend. What should I do?

Answer
Tell your Dad you know his secret and tell him why. Then he can feel gutted about you cheating on your girlfriend. What an unutterably miserable pair you are. You aren't both Tory MPs are you? I suggest that you trot along to your local sexually transmitted diseases clinic together. Eva Legova, who is stricter about these things than you might imagine, says she hopes you have both caught something which involves lots of needles and embarrassment.


Total Gibberish

Question
Is it true that all men want to make love to their mothers? I once glimpsed my mother naked and I still feel guilty. I have certainly never wanted to make love to her. Is there something wrong with me?

Answer
The Oedipus complex (which assumes that all men want to kill their fathers and make love to their mothers) was spread around by Freud and his dotty followers. It is, like most of Freud's teachings, total gibberish and a result of Freud's own rather sick mind rather than any understanding of real people. I doubt if one man in a million wants to have sex with his mother (either consciously or subconsciously). There's nothing wrong with you but there was a lot wrong with Freud. The silly old sod should have been wrapped up in a straight-jacket - and so should psychiatrists and psychologists who still believe anything he wrote.


A Marriage Made In Hell

Question
My marriage is miserable. I met my wife when I was 18 and married her at 19. By the time I was 26 we had three children. I'm now in my mid thirties and I can count the number of times we have had sex since then on the fingers of one hand. She says she finds sex dirty and repulsive. Nothing I ever do is right and she nags me constantly. She seems to get a special pleasure out of telling me how wonderful her friends' husbands are. She tells everyone that I'm useless at everything and has even told relatives that we don't have sex any more because I am too small to satisfy her and a useless lover. I feel that she is very unfair because I do everything I can to make her and the children happy. I even stick with a job I hate for their sake. The trouble is that as far as she is concerned my best just isn't good enough. I would have left her years ago but I don't want to initiate a messy divorce (which I am sure it would be) because I know it would upset the children. I have asked my wife to come with me to a counsellor but she refused.

Answer
You're crazy to stay with this miserable old dishmop of a wife. Leave and start a new life and save your sanity. Your children need a father not a rug. Chances are that they've long since spotted that all is not rose petals in your home. If you really can't get up and go (and if you do, by the way, there is always a chance that the old dishmop might change her tune) then I suggest that you should at least put some fun and sparkle into your life by finding yourself a mistress. Find yourself a woman with a smile, a heart of gold and a soft bosom; someone who will love you, cherish you, care for you and give you back your confidence as a lover. If you choose this solution you don't need to feel guilty. Your harridan of a wife has forfeited the right to loyalty, respect and faithfulness.


Unbelievably Mean

Question
My husband is unbelievably mean. He makes me keep a full record of every penny I spend. I am not careless with money but I resent having to waste a day or so every week keeping household accounts to satisfy him that I am not wasting any of his money (or spending it on things of which he does not approve). If I buy a new pair of tights I have to keep the old ones to prove that they are laddered and cannot be worn.

Answer
There are a lot of very mean people around. Norah Nobrayne (of solicitors Allcock and Nobrayne), who is known to millions of her clients as Public Enema Number One, once admitted to me that when she's been shopping she always sits in her car until the ticket has expired.
      But your husband gets this year's award for tight fistedness. You should get a job of your own and tell the dull old fart to do his own housekeeping and keep his own damned accounts. If your income needs a boost, charge him for sex.


Strange Behaviour

Question
I lost my job just after Christmas and we've been pretty broke since then. At the beginning of April I got a job at last. The snag was that it involved working away from home during the week. I didn't have much choice and took it. The trouble is that I can only get home at the weekends. Last Friday when I got home my wife was behaving very strangely. She didn't want to make love or even kiss me. She told me she had a headache. On Saturday I found a suitcase full of male clothing tucked away at the bottom of our wardrobe. I'd never seen the suitcase before and none of the clothing was mine. Do you think my wife could be having an affair? When I asked her about the clothing she blushed and said a friend had asked her to take it to the Oxfam shop. I didn't go back to work this week but telephoned and told them I was sick. My wife has been very edgy and has refused to answer the telephone. Every time I've answered it the caller has rung off.

Answer
Your wife has clearly found a little filler to keep her mind and other bits occupied during the long evenings and nights when you are away. I think you should ask her who's been keeping your side of the bed warm and get to the bottom of this as quickly as you can. Meanwhile, to show that you don't hold any grudges, do your wife a favour and take the mysterious suitcase full of male clothing down to Oxfam.


Wearing The Trousers

Question
A lot of men who write to you seem to be dominated by their women. I have no such problems. My wife knows who wears the trousers in this house. I just wanted to say that. But I must finish now. My wife is waving my pinafore. And I've got to iron her pyjamas and my pinafore after I've done the washing up.

Answer
Lovely to hear from you. Now I too must fly. The Welsh Princess wants me to put up a new ceiling, paint the car, wash the kettle and mend a new shelf. I wouldn't mind but I have to do all this while wearing her flouncy pink chiffon dress which doesn't fit me properly and just isn't my colour.


All I Want For Christmas...

Question
My husband always gives me sensible presents for Christmas. This year he's bought me a bread maker and a new winter coat. I'm only 32 and although I'm a mother of two I don't like to think of myself as entirely past it just yet. I wish he'd buy me some seductive sexy undies but I know he won't - he worries too much about seeming sexist. How can I tell him that I wouldn't mind?

Answer
Take him shopping, stop at the lingerie counter, point to something with more lace than elastic and start drooling. If his blood is still circulating a couple of nudges and a wink should do the trick. If he still seems too shy and uptight buy yourself something suitably erotic, wrap it up and give it to him in bed tomorrow night. Tell him it's a present for him but that if it doesn't fit you'll wear it for him.


Predictable Husband

Question
My husband never surprises me. His idea of being daring and outrageous is to put empty brown glass bottles into the green bottle only hole at the bottle bank. He is so predictable that I sometimes want to scream.

Answer
Pothole manufacturer and kitchen appliance billionaire Sir Ramick Hobbs, (whose autobiography would have been a bestseller if more people had bought it) once told me that he regards predictability as a virtue and an asset in any relationship. `Life contains too many surprises,' he told me. `Predictability gives my life stability.'
      If you want your husband to break out and go wild occasionally why not take the lead? Whisk him away for a weekend of love and romance in Wolverhampton. Bring home take-away chips and a bottle of Vimto for a meal neither of you will forget. Greet him at the front door wearing nothing but a skimpy face flannel and a sexy smile. A little bit of role play won't come amiss if you're married to a rock. After all, nothing goes better together than rock and role.


My Wife's A Slut

Question
My wife and I had a threesome with a male friend of ours. From a physical point of view it went well but I am now having problems in dealing with having seen her doing it with another man. The whole thing was originally my idea and beforehand I didn't think I would have any problems with it but I now think of my wife as a slut. I think the worst thing is the fact that she so clearly enjoyed it all.

Answer
It is always hard to predict what will happen when you turn a fantasy into reality. Many men do get aroused when they imagine the woman they love being with another man. And many men get aroused when they watch it actually happen. It's commoner than most people think. But you clearly went one step too far and you should have stuck to the fantasy. The important thing is that it isn't fair to blame your wife. Tell her you love her too much to do it again. And try to reassure yourself with the thought that she wasn't being unfaithful in the traditional sense. You were there. You were part of the action.


Philanderer

Question
My husband is a philanderer.

Answer
Don't worry. Lots of men collect stamps.

The Dirty Dozen

Question
Before we were married my wife had quite a few boyfriends and has admitted to having gone to bed with around a dozen of them. I can't get this out of mind. Nor can I stop worrying about whether any of her boyfriends were bigger than me, if you know what I mean?

Answer
If you allow yourself to become obsessed with the past (or the future) you will have no time for the present. And without the present the past doesn't matter and there is no future. Your wife now shares your bed. The identity and shape of her previous hot water bottles is insignificant. And were you a virgin when you married?


Heartbroken

Question
Six months ago my boyfriend finished with me. We had been together for four years. I was heartbroken. I was starting to get over it until he called, three weeks ago, after a night out with his pals. He wanted sex. I know it was stupid of me but I gave in, hoping that he might come back to me. He has called round twice since then and I have slept with him each time. Do you think that if I carry on he might fall in love with me again?

Answer
No. You are selling yourself - and your body - for a ray of hope. But the ray of hope is a mirage and you're being well and truly screwed. Next time your former boyfriend calls I suggest that you give him the phone number of a local hooker.


Not Interested

Question
My husband and I haven't made love for four months. We both have responsible jobs and we are just too tired when we get home from work. The problem now is that it has been so long since we had sex that I am not sure how we can get back into the habit - and start thinking of each other as lovers again. Once or twice I have reached out to my husband in bed but he has just kissed me and fallen asleep. What do I do?

Answer
Ask him if he still finds you attractive - and if he ever wants to make love to you again. If he says `no' then you have got a problem. You will have to dedicate yourself to tapestry and good causes, buy a vibrator, find a bit on the side or get a divorce. If he says `yes' then you need to plan a second honeymoon so that you can both rediscover the joys of good loving. Book a weekend (or a week) away in some romantic spot. Park the kids and pets somewhere and leave work behind. You will soon find that love making has one thing in common with bicycle riding – it’s a skill you don't forget.


Pain In The Butt

Question
My mother-in-law is a real pain in the butt. She constantly nags my wife and never gives me a moment of peace.

Answer
I suggest you tell your mother-in-law that when she finally snuffs it you intend to stuff her and keep her by the front door as a combination doormat and draught excluder. (You may also use her inert form to scare away insurance salesmen and Jehovas' Witnesses.)


Caveman

Question
My husband is older than me and very possessive. Although he often goes out with the lads he hates me going out with my girlfriends. Last week my girlfriends and I went to a pub and nightclub. I had already had a row with my husband who objected to my wearing a short skirt. (He tried to put me off by saying that my legs looked too fat.) When we left the pub my husband was waiting outside. He wanted me to go home with him. We argued and then he grabbed me, threw me across his shoulder and carried me off to where he had parked the car. My friends thought it was hilarious but I was very embarrassed. We have hardly spoken since then. I feel that he was out of order. I think walking off with me thrown over his back like a sack of potatoes made him feel big. He has tried to apologise but how do I know he won't do the same thing again? Should I leave him or do you think we could come to some sort of compromise?

Answer
The only compromise I can think of is that he starts behaving like a civilised human being and you agree to stay with him.
      He was well out of order when he turned into a caveman and publicly humiliated you.
      I suggest you ask him to take you to your next girls' night out - and, if you wish, to pick you up afterwards.
      This would give him the opportunity to grovel to your friends and to bend over and allow you to give him a good (public) boot up the backside.
      The good news is that there is a chance that his boorish behaviour was inspired by a mixture of love, insecurity and a genuine concern for your well being. Perhaps you could give him some reassurance and (if appropriate) explain to him that you have no intention of finding another lover and that you and your friends stick together and look after one another.


Two Band Members

Question
My fiance recently found out that I once slept with two members of a band who visited the town where I live. I had gone round to the stage door to get autographs when the guitarist asked my friend and I if we wanted to have a drink with him and the drummer. My friend chickened out at the last minute and I ended up going to bed with both of them. My fiance found a photo they had given me. The inscription pretty much gave the game away. I went bright red and I've never been a good liar. I'm not proud of what I did but it was 12 years ago and I've never done anything like it since then.

Answer
Do you remember that bit in the bible about him who is without sin throwing the first stone? If your fiance has nothing in his past which he would rather forget then he is probably far too boring to consider as a lifetime partner. I myself once used a conker which had been pickled in vinegar, even though I knew that such practices were frowned upon and regarded as uncomfortably close to subterfuge. There was a sticky moment when I confessed this frailty to the Welsh Princess but I think I can safely say that the incident has had no lasting bad effects on our relationship. If your fiance loves you he will soon banish the memory of your youthful indiscretion to a dusty drawer in some unused part of his memory bank.


6. Happy Dressers
Space Travel

Question
My daughter has married a man whom we have found out is a transvestite. My husband and I want her to divorce him but she won't. How can we persuade her to leave him and make a new start with a proper man?

Answer
Your repressions are showing through your prejudices. I suggest you keep your interfering fingers out of your daughter's life. Since you clearly do not have enough excitement in your life I suggest that you take up space travel. Offer yourself to the Americans next time they're planning a one way trip to Mars.


Harmless Peccadillo

Question
Three months ago I was standing in the bathroom complaining that my underwear seemed to have stretched when my husband suddenly told me that he had been secretly wearing my bras and panties. In order to stop him stretching my things I went shopping and bought him lingerie to fit him. Since then I've done this regularly for him. It has never bothered me and he is a good lover and husband. I don't know why so many women get uptight about what seems to me to be a rather odd but pretty harmless peccadillo. I'm just grateful he doesn't do something really stupid like shoot clay pigeons or play golf.

Answer
Massive numbers of men hurry off to work wearing lacy underwear beneath their dark suits, uniforms and sports jackets and flannels. Next time you watch a pompous politician or a self-important celebrity on TV ask yourself whether he could be one of the 10% who regularly wear flimsy, feminine underwear. You could make this into an entertaining family game.


Bigoted Biddy

Question
I have just discovered that my husband wears female clothing occasionally. I have, of course, left him. I blame you for helping to turn him into a pervert.

Answer
Ninety nine per cent of women crossdress. More men should. A man who has had a hard day at the office will feel better if, when he gets home, he can stop worrying about how many bits of government legislation he has broken and worry instead about whether or not his seams are straight.
      Maybe your husband is a pervert. But that's a darned sight better than being a prejudiced, bigoted old biddy.


Golfers

Question
What's the difference between a transvestite and a transsexual?

Answer
Transsexuals are like golfers. They lose their balls. Transvestites keep theirs.


Frilly Panties

Question
I am male and love wearing frilly panties. Where can I get them from?

Answer
Catch the number 69 bus into town. Get off at the stop after the Post Office. Walk 100 yards down towards the church and then take the first left and the second right. Go past Woolworths and you'll find a lingerie shop in between Mothercare and Halfords.


Mixed-up

Question
I very much want to go to bed with my new boyfriend. But he is a transvestite and he won't sleep with me. He dresses as a woman almost all the time when he isn't at work. I think he would sleep with me while he was dressed as a woman, effectively turning me into a sort of lesbian I suppose. I am prepared to do this if he would sleep with me. Should I tell him? Do you think our relationship has any future?

Answer
I fear that your new boyfriend is very mixed up about his sexuality. Most transvestites are heterosexual and would leap at the chance of horizontal gymnastics - regardless of who wore the suspender belt. It sounds to me as if your new boyfriend needs to get his knickers untwisted before either of you can decide whether or not your relationship has a real, long-term future.


Daytime Television

Question
I got home early the other day and found my boyfriend sitting watching the television wearing my bra and panties.

Answer
I am not surprised that you were concerned by this. Daytime television is dull stuff and evidence has shown that it can addle the brain in a very short time. I suggest you give your boyfriend an ultimatum: tell him that if you find him watching daytime television again you will throw him out. (And warn him that you won't allow him to take your bra and panties with him.)


The wrong sized bra

Question
I go the gym twice a week but recently heard a couple of other men sniggering behind my back. I discovered afterwards that my bra had left a clear and obvious red mark on my shoulders and back. What can I do to prevent a bra leaving a mark?

Answer
The bra you wore is too small. Wear a larger bra and there will be few, if any, marks left behind when you take it off. Incidentally, although a bra which is too small will always give a better cleavage it can produce a host of health problems. I believe that a bra which is too small may for example, make irritable bowel syndrome worse, affect your blood pressure reading and create some serious pains in the arm and shoulder. These problems are common among transvestites who need a bigger bra (a 40 or 42 for example) but who want to wear a bra with a smaller cup (A or B). Bra manufacturers usually only make pretty bras (and bras which contain built-in booster pads) in smaller sizes. Check out the bras on sale in a department store and you'll usually find that 38A is the biggest A size bra available. Bras sized over 38 are commonly available only in D cup sizes (or even larger). The crossdresser who wants to wear a bra to work but who doesn't want a huge false bosom making twin peaks in his shirt may choose the 38A rather than the 40D.
      Incidentally, all this is true for women as well as men. Many wear a bra which is the wrong size and suffer all sorts of health problems as a result.


Treated with contempt

Question
When my workmates found out that I occasionally cross-dress (after someone found an article in which I was quoted) they made my life so miserable that I had to resign. Why is it so common for people to treat transvestites with such contempt? Why are the papers so rude about transvestites? The posh papers in particular are often scathing about men who dress in feminine clothing. Despite this I have noticed that they are invariably full of sympathy for transsexuals.

Answer
The broadsheet newspapers worship transsexuals but sneer at crossdressers. There is no logical reason for this but it is, these days, the politically correct way. Men who choose to have their balls removed are cheered. Men who simply wear frocks are jeered.
      It's difficult to know why this is. But I suspect the main reason is (as with most prejudices) simply a mixture of ignorance and fear.


Banned

Question
Men should be banned from wearing skirts and dresses. It would be easy to introduce a law forbidding individuals from wearing clothes normally worn by the opposite sex.

Answer
I wonder what the women of the world will have to say when they discover that they are no longer allowed to wear trousers, jeans, or shirts.


Welcome side effect

Question
A colleague of mine takes a prescription drug and has grown breasts. He is embarrassed. I am jealous. Which drugs have this side effect?

Answer
There are a number of drugs which can produce breast development as a side effect. But I do not recommend that you try taking any of them for that reason. And so I'm not going to tell you the names.


The ignorant and the prejudiced

Question
Is it true that all transvestites dress in women's clothes because it turns them on sexually?

Answer
No, this is a complete myth perpetuated by the ignorant and the prejudiced. A few crossdressers get sexually turned on by frocks and frillies. Most don't. Sadly, among the ignorant buffoons doing the perpetuating are many GPs, specialists and psychologists who really should know better. Crossdressing has more to do with stress, pressure, escape and guilt than sex. Those doctors (and there are many of them) who persist in perpetuating the myth that transvestites crossdress for sexual reasons are dangerously deluded.


Help!

Question
I recently discovered that my husband is a crossdresser. We have talked about it but both feel that we would like help. In particular we would both like to meet others in the same situation.

Answer
I suggest you get in touch with the Beaumont Society - one of the best known organisations for transvestites. Send an SAE for information to: Beaumont Society, 27 Old Gloucester St, London WC1N 3XX.


Trannies wanted

Question
I agree with you that men should be more open about cross dressing. My husband is a mild mannered accountant by day and a temptress by night. Stockings and suspenders are much sexier than an M&S vest and pants. My female friends are jealous and want to know where they can find a tranny of their own. There are many women like me who find a man in satin or lace exciting.

Answer
Crossdressers whose experiences with women have been frustrating and disappointing should take comfort from your letter. Far from disapproving there are many women, like you, who find transvestite men attractive. And there is, of course, also the advantage that a woman who marries a transvestite can always borrow a pair of stockings on a Saturday night.


7. Sad And Nasty Bastards
Nude Photos

Question
I met a man I used to go out with before I married and he asked me to meet him for lunch. He said it would just be for a chat and so I went. It was nice to see him but now he keeps phoning and asking me to see him again. I've told him that I am happily married but he says he has nude photos of me which he took when I had a threesome with him and his best friend. He says that if I don't go to bed with him he'll show them to my husband.

Answer
Tell your husband everything. Theoretically the police ought to arrest your former boyfriend for blackmail. But since there are no speed cameras involved this case is probably too complicated for them. They'll end up shooting your husband and arresting you. Instead, have a ton of fresh manure delivered to this carbuncle's front door and send a stream of double glazing salesmen round to spoil his Saturdays.


Inconsiderate Lover

Question
My girlfriend doesn't like sex. She says it hurts and doesn't give her any pleasure. But I need it. Why should I have to go without because she doesn't enjoy it?

Answer
A sane, loving, thoughtful man would help his girlfriend find out why sex was painful. And he would put some effort into helping her enjoy an experience which can be as joyful and exciting as grabbing a star out of the sky.
      But you don't seem sane, loving or thoughtful and I suspect that you are far too good for this, or any other, girl. Someone as sensitive as you clearly deserves much better than a mere girl. The Welsh Princess suggests that you buy yourself a de luxe, top of the range, 48 EE washable blow-up doll with plastic hair. She says you should make a well matched, loving couple. She and I have no doubt that your blow-up doll will give you just as much love as you give her.


God's Gift

Question
I suspect you'll take the mickey out of me for writing this letter but I am just being honest. I have been told that I am God's gift to women and I think that is pretty accurate. I'm good looking, athletic and have a terrific, well-paid job. I work out twice a week to keep myself in good shape. My wife complains because I have affairs but the truth is that I only sleep with a tiny percentage of the women who throw themselves at me. I tell my wife that any other man in my position would almost certainly have even more affairs than I do. How can I convince her that she should be thankful that I chose her to be my wife?

Answer
I think you sound far too good for any woman - or group of women. You should make yourself available to the whole world. I suggest that you have yourself preserved in aspic, stuffed in a glass case and exhibited in the Science Museum. The little label on the glass case should read: `Dickheadus Totalis'.


Unpleasant And Distasteful

Question
After my wife had given me two children she decided that she had completely satisfied her responsibilities and obligations in what she now tells me she has always regarded as a distinctly unpleasant and distasteful direction. She refuses pointblank to make love with me again. She won't even sleep in the same room. And she won't seek advice or discuss the situation. I am only 44 and I really don't fancy the idea of being forced to be celibate for the rest of my life.

Answer
Divorce the miserable old biddy. Or find yourself a mistress.


Cheapskate

Question
When I wouldn't go home with him a man I met in a club complained angrily that he had spent £7 buying me drinks. He genuinely seemed to think I should have gone to bed with him because he had spent a few quid on me. I was embarrassed but didn't know what to say. What should I have said?

Answer
You should have pulled £7 out of your handbag and thrown it at him. The style seems to be fast disappearing from courtship. The Welsh Princess tells me that when she was younger a youth in a club came up to her and said: `Would I be wasting my money if I bought you a drink?' Independent sources tell me that despite several operations his nose still looks slightly misshapen.


Disgusting Business

Question
Sex is a dirty and disgusting business. I think it is disgusting the way you accept the fact that people have sex outside marriage. They and you will all rot in hell.

Answer
I spy some slight conflict in your thinking here. If sex is really dirty and disgusting why should people save it (and do it with) the partners they choose to marry? Wouldn't it make more sense if they only did it with people they didn't know very well - and possibly didn't like very much? Just a thought.


Miserable Oaf

Question
A man I work with has always been rotten to me. He has a lot of influence with our boss and so in order to try to get him to like me more I tried to seduce him one evening after work. Unfortunately, it all went wrong. He couldn't get an erection. Now he seems to hate me more than ever. He is making my life awful and I'm thinking of leaving and trying to find another job. I didn't tell anyone at work about this.

Answer
Take this miserable, impotent oaf to one side and let him know that you haven't told anyone else in the office that he can't get it up. If he is being particularly horrid to you because he is frightened that you might embarrass him with the facts about your aborted evening of sex this might soothe his fears. If he is being horrid to you because he is simply an exceptionally horrid person, reminding him of this incident (and of the fact that you have not yet shared this valuable piece of gossip with your co-workers) might well concentrate his mind and help him see that it really is in his best interests to be nice to you.


Crap Lover

Question
My husband hardly ever makes love to me. But he locks himself in the bathroom and masturbates at least twice a day.

Answer
Next time the bathroom door clicks shut you should pack your bags and tiptoe out of the house. Mark my words, this man will come to a sticky end.


Unbearably Stupid

Question
My daughter is divorced and for the last three years I have helped her look after her young daughter. We live near each other, and since my wife died I have been alone. My daughter and granddaughter mean everything to me. Two weeks ago my daughter suddenly told me that she didn't want me to look after her daughter any more. Shocked, I asked her why. She told me that she had seen some pornographic videos next to my TV set and had subsequently mentioned this to a social worker friend. She said the social worker had told her that she must never leave her daughter alone with me again. This has destroyed me. I do have some porn tapes but only the sort of thing you can find in most homes. I am not interested in paedophilia and would never harm my granddaughter.

Answer
The social worker who advised your daughter is bigoted, prejudiced, repressed, cruel and unbearably stupid. And your daughter is a fool for listening to her. There is no evidence linking ordinary heterosexual porn to any sort of criminal behaviour. And only a crew-cutted, moustachioed man hating lesbo-warrior could deliberately tear apart a family and cause such pain without just cause.
      I hope the miserable lesbo warrior impales herself on her king-sized black plastic pleasure rod.


Terrible Gossip

Question
A woman who lives in the same street as me is a terrible gossip. She spreads lies about everyone and people believe her. I have just heard through a neighbour that she is saying that I cheat on my husband and that I sleep around. I cry about this every night. The rumours she has started are completely untrue. I feel so miserable, especially as I am now receiving horrible looks from the rest of the neighbours.

Answer
My dear friend Eva Legova insists that those who live by the rumour must die by it. When a neighbour of hers started a particularly nasty and harmful rumour (and, to be honest, it is difficult to think of anything to say about Eva that isn't true) Eva immediately struck back by telling everyone capable of listening that the source of the rumour had become a professional tipster for the Department of Social Security and the Inland Revenue. She explained that the woman was behaving in this strange and anti-social way because she was suffering from a serious infective brain disorder involving a rare bug which she had contracted after sleeping with nine members of a visiting squad of overweight American insurance salesmen who had been attending a convention at a local hotel. Within six months the woman had been divorced by her husband, ostracised by her neighbours, disowned by her mother and abandoned by her cat.


Story Teller

Question
My boyfriend, an electrician, is impotent and when we first got together he got his kicks out of my telling him about my previous lovers. I hadn't had much experience so I used my imagination and made up more lovers than there had been. I told him I was making it up but he encouraged me. One evening, I `confessed' that I'd worked as a prostitute for two years. It turned him on and he made me give him the details. By this time I'd got quite good at making up stories so it wasn't difficult. Again, I explained that it was all fiction. A year ago we talked about marriage and last week I plucked up the courage to ask him if he still wanted us to marry. He told me that he had no intention of marrying a slut. Shocked, I asked him what he meant. He claimed he believes my fictional sexual experiences were all real. He says he wouldn't dream of marrying such a slag. He has told his friends about my fictional past. And they, like him, believe it's all true!

Answer
Your impotent boyfriend is clearly a prat with far more to worry about than a limp and useless tickling stick. Neither he nor his friends are worth worrying about. Congratulate yourself on having had a lucky escape. Marriage to this sad and sorry individual would have been about as much fun as a wet fortnight in Port Talbot. And take consolation from the thought that at least you never had his plug in your socket.


8. All In the Name Of Science

Dirty Diary

Question
I am a 32-year-old divorced woman. I have had sex with quite a few men and for the last three years I have been keeping a diary. During that time I have had sex with 26 men. Of these, 16 were circumcised and 10 were not. From my diary I can see that the men who still had their foreskins were much gentler, kinder and more sensitive lovers than the men without foreskins. Do you know if anyone else has done any research along these lines?

Answer
I am grateful to you for your hard work and research. It is rare to find an individual with such a well-developed sense of community spirit. Your findings support a theory of mine that men without foreskins are more likely to be aggressive and potentially violent than men who still have a complete set of sexual equipment. Delicious Romanian lovely Dubbelldekka Ortobus has done extensive research work which has shown that men without foreskins are likely to become irritable and edgy because their foreskin deprived sex lives are deeply unsatisfying. (Next time a man in the pub becomes belligerent ask him if he is short of a foreskin.) I think that this is a subject which merits a good deal more research. Maybe a ban on circumcision could produce a calmer, more peaceful, gentler and more loving world. Foreskins are often removed for religious reasons. Allegedly this is done to improve hygiene. But is it possible that in reality foreskin removal might conceivably have been started to prevent men obtaining pleasure from sex? There's a question for lunchtime in the pub. In my view the circumcising of men is as barbaric and unjustified as the circumcising of women.


Unsuitable Lovers

Question
Over the years I have come to the conclusion that men who regularly wear suits rarely make good lovers. I have been to bed with over 30 men and so I think my observation may have some value.

Answer
Research conducted by a group of drunken scientists from the planet Pluto confirms that men in suits make rotten lovers. Men who wear suits because they think they should are insipid, unimaginative and usually lacking in stamina and creativity. Men who wear suits because they like wearing suits are not usually much interested in sex at all. When they do get aroused it is usually because they see some chance of obtaining promotion and by passing the normal sequence of rungs on the corporate ladder. (By, for example, sleeping with the boss or the boss's daughter.)


Itching For The Truth

Question
I am prone to developing vaginal thrush. My boyfriend says that if I wear stockings and suspenders and do not wear any panties I will be less likely to have problems. Is he having me on?

Answer
No. It gives me great pleasure to confirm that knickerless women who wear stockings rather than tights are less likely to develop thrush. Floor covering millionaire Walter Wallkarpet tells me exclusively that the world's first `Down With Tights' march may hit London in September. I hope it attracts at least a million women - all wearing stockings and suspenders. (Hold-ups are just as good for avoiding thrush, though perhaps not quite as likely to stop traffic in a light breeze.)


9. Bad Taste (And Hard To Swallow)
Gooey Stuff

Question
My boyfriend wants me to have oral sex with him but I am afraid of taking his thingy in my mouth in case he well, you know.... If that happened and I accidentally swallowed some of the white gooey stuff, would I have to have to have my stomach pumped out?

Answer
No. Unless your boyfriend has an infection, or the white gooey stuff (I am, incidentally, so glad that you are familiar with the technical term) goes down the wrong way and you choke, the risks associated with oral sex are very small. Indeed, Eva Legova, currently employed as senior lecherer at the Carmarthen School of Penile Management, tells me that white gooey stuff contains a variety of useful nutrients - including, so she says, vitamins and protein. Some people (mainly male doctors who are trying to convince nurses) claim that a regular intake of the white gooey stuff may improve your health.


Poor Quantity

Question
When I was younger I used to produce far more ejaculate when I came. These days the production department seems to have gone on half time for the quantities produced are rather disappointing. When my wife first noticed this she accused me of having an affair. She is very keen on oral sex and has always enjoyed the taste of the stuff.

Answer
Whether it is penis size, breast size or ejaculate production quantity is of less importance than quality. A couple of radishes and a baby carrot can be just as tasty as two large turnips and a cucumber. However, men who want to obtain a more copious ejaculate can help improve the quantity of fluid they produce by masturbating nearly (but not quite) to orgasm an hour or so before sex. This simple trick will increase the amount of prostatic secretion and undoubtedly impress your hungry partner.


Constantly Exhausted

Question
My girlfriend seems to have acquired a taste for oral sex. She just won't stop. I am constantly exhausted.

Answer
I find your complaint (or is it a boast) hard to swallow.


Sweet Taste

Question
I recently performed oral sex on my girlfriend after sucking a mentholated throat sweet. She went absolutely wild and said she had the best orgasm of her life. I didn't do anything different -apart from suck the menthol sweet beforehand. Do you think the menthol on my breath could have helped?

Answer
Absolutely. Menthol can convert an ordinary tongue into a dangerous weapon and turn just about any woman into a quivering jelly. Eva Legova, one of the famous Norfolk broads, tells me that she always gets terribly excited when her boyfriend starts to sniffle. She claims that a packet of menthol throat sweets can put her on the ceiling for five hours. Incidentally, it has been reported that menthol toothpaste can produce a similar response.


Quite A Blow

Question
When my girlfriend and I were courting she used to give me a blow job two or three times a week. But since we got married she hasn't done it once.

Answer
Seth Pitt, low life lisping Senior Lecherer at the University of Life in Sussex (once described by his students as `the only man alive who can limbo under a carpet') claims that brides smile when they walk down the aisle because they know that they will never have to perform oral sex again.


10. Working With Professionals
Hooked On Sex

Question
I've been a hooker for eight years and I enjoy it. I like the money, I like the men and, I admit, I like the sex. I enjoy being in control. I like the freedom. I like the life. Two months ago I fell in love. He isn't and never has been a customer but he knows what I do. He's asked me to marry him and I've said `yes'. The problem is that he wants me to give up the life. And I don't want to give it up. It has given me independence and a standard of living which I enjoy.

Answer
It's difficult to find a compromise. Hooking is like pregnancy: you either are or you aren't. You can't hook a bit. You can't be a hooker on Tuesdays but not for the rest of the week.
      You and your boyfriend are both going to have to talk and think hard about this. And one of you is going to have to love the other one so much that you are prepared to back down.
      Who do I think should back down? You. He'll find it much harder coping with you being a hooker than you'll find it coping with not being a hooker.


Sex Surrogate

Question
My wife recently told me that she used to work as a sex surrogate - having sex with men who had sexual problems. I knew nothing about this when I married her and feel that she should have told me. She says she didn't think it was important and that she was merely providing a medical service in the same way that a doctor or nurse does.

Answer
I confess that personally I have never been able to spot much of a difference between a sex surrogate and a prostitute. Both take off appropriate items of clothing and have sex for money. Your wife was wrong not to tell you about her work and I can't help thinking that since she would have probably told you if she had worked as a doctor or an astronaut then she herself must have regarded her previous employment as something which might arouse surprise and possibly even disapproval. Having said that I don't think you should worry too much about your wife's sex life before you met and married. Lots of very prim and proper women have sex for money - it's just that instead of receiving cash they receive food, drink, clothing and lodging. My guess is that on this basis at least 50% of the women to be seen pushing trolleys around supermarkets have probably had sex for money.


Paying Up

Question When he awoke one morning my husband was feeling very randy. But I wasn't. I said `no'. He persisted and eventually said he was so desperate he would pay me for sex. I asked him how much. He said he'd pay me £30 - everything he had in his wallet. I said OK. After we had sex he was surprised when I made him pay up. I liked getting the money (I bought myself a new blouse in the sales) but I confess I also found it exciting.

Answer
Lots of couples introduce fantasy role play into their relationships. Walk into any city centre hotel these days and look around the lobby. Is the brunette in the scarlet thigh high slit mini dress a £200 a night hooker or the manageress of the local chemist's having a little fun with her building society manager husband? Is the blonde in blue hot pants, white see-through blouse and cleavage enhancing black bra looking for a trick or waiting for her husband, the dentist?
      By introducing the raw cash element you've simply added another layer of reality to this increasingly popular role play. Of course, if things get too hot you may have to start accepting Monopoly money. Or letting your husband run up a tab.


Jealous Boyfriend

Question
My boyfriend has suddenly become very jealous. Three months ago we were broke and at his suggestion I started picking up men and taking them back to our flat. Now he wants to vet the customers I sleep with. He says that I can only bring back unattractive, overweight men over 50. I don't think this is fair to me. Finding customers isn't always that easy these days and if I get too picky it will be even more difficult. Plus if I do what he wants it means that I only get to have sex with men I don't fancy at all. Do you agree he's being selfish?

Answer
I checked with Brussels and Commissioner Eva Legova tells me that there is, as you might expect, a European Directive dealing with this particular issue. I suggest that you tell your mean spirited husband that according to the EU it is against the law for you to discriminate against any specific group of men (whether selected by age or appearance) when offering them a service of any kind. Prostitution may be illegal but your clients still come under EU6/7jrn/2928jh/ (November 2000). If he tries to outlaw particular types of client your husband will be in breach of the law and susceptible to a large fine and lengthy prison sentence. (If you can get him to believe this drivel, touch him for a fiver while you're at it.)


A New Career

Question
Ten months ago my husband lost his job. I took a job as a stripper in a pub. The money is good and we've been able to keep on paying our mortgage. Now a man says he can get me steady, well-paid work through his escort agency. I'm not stupid and I know that he's offering me work as a prostitute. His clients won't want to talk to me over an expensive dinner, or show me off to their business friends. They'll just want sex. I've talked it over with my husband and he's keen. He's already talking about what we can do with the money. But I'm still not sure that I'm doing the right thing.

Answer
If you become a prostitute do it because it's what you want to do - and not because your husband has a yearning to start a new career as a pimp.


Taken For A Ride

Question
Two months ago I had sex with a taxi driver because I couldn't afford to pay the fare home. After that I did it a few times more. At the time it seemed an easy way to save money but the taxi driver has talked to the other drivers in the small town where I live and now whenever I get a taxi I'm likely to get a leery smile from a driver wanting to know how I want to pay. When I was really broke some time ago I did contemplate prostitution as a way to get out of my money problems but I've got a job now and I don't want to do it any more. I'm ashamed of what I did.

Answer
First, stop feeling bad about yourself. Lots of women have sex with men who have taken them out for dinner not because they particularly want to but because they feel that it is somehow expected. There's very little difference between paying for dinner with sex and paying for a taxi ride with sex. Second, make sure you have enough cash with you to pay the fare before you get into a taxi in future. Your local taxi drivers will eventually forget what happened. Practise a dirty look and dole it out liberally where appropriate.


Sex Videos

Question
My husband and I make sex videos of ourselves and show them to our friends. We would now like to start marketing our films professionally. Can you tell us how to do this?

Answer
Your films must make a pleasant change from the usual dull video of the kids splashing around on Woolacombe Sands. I am surprised that two people who know how to film themselves having sex don't know how to sell the result but the manager of the local sex shop should be able to give you some guidance. Alternatively, just write to the boss of just about any British TV station. If you throw in advice on cooking and interior decorating you'll probably be offered long-term contracts.


Escort Service

Question
Two friends and I have started our own escort service for local businessmen. We did it because we were broke and lonely. Now we get as many dates as we want - and get paid for it. We only go to bed with the men we date if we like them. Do you think that what we are doing is illegal?

Answer
Limp and Grimace, conveyancers and legal advisers, tell me that you will probably be arrested for encouraging people to have a good time. Thank you for the brochure and the photographs which I will pass on to the Conservative Party.


Sex Syndicate

Question
I am a divorced and rather lonely male in my early 40s. Last week a friend came to me with an unusual proposition and I would like your opinion on it. My friend is married but he and his wife no longer have any sort of sexual relationship. He has a mistress with whom he spends every Monday evening. (He tells his wife that he has a regular engagement that evening - a meeting of the local Freemasons Lodge or something like that). He told me that this woman, who is in her late 30s, is a professional mistress who has for years been kept by six male lovers who each pay £50 a week towards her living costs. Each man has access to the woman one night of the week and can either just visit for the evening or stay the night and leave the following morning after breakfast. The woman has Sundays to herself. My friend told me that one of the men in the syndicate has left the area and so the woman has a vacancy. He asked me if I would like to take over Wednesdays. I am very tempted by the prospect of regular sex without any commitment other than finding £50 a week. Have you ever heard of anything like this before?

Answer
The sort of arrangement you describe is not uncommon. I am certainly aware of several similar syndicates. If you are happy to share a woman under the circumstances you describe then you may find it an appealing notion. I assume that the woman herself takes precautions to avoid getting pregnant and that she and her lovers make sure that they are not spreading infection from one to another.
      With those provisos it does seem to me that the arrangement you describe could well be just what you need. Regular sex with a reliable, experienced woman who has no other expectations or demands could well turn out to be comforting, soothing and a much healthier and less stressful solution than a series of one night stands would be.
      Why not suggest a trial run so that you and your possible new mistress can check each other out?


A Hard Job

Question
I'm male, 27 and I earn my living as an actor in the porn industry. Blokes who find out are always envious but the public doesn't realise just how hard a job it really is for a man. Actresses who make porn movies get paid much more but have a far less stressful time.

Answer
I can see that this is a hard business and you must be constantly under pressure to perform. Clearly, if you're not up to it you will be replaced (though perhaps you could have a stand in for some scenes). But stop whingeing. If you don't like the work there are plenty of other careers that require only the ability to screw as many people as possible.


Paying For It

Question
I discovered two days ago that my husband has been seeing a prostitute once a week for the last two years. I have told him that I want a divorce. I am shocked that he should do this with another woman and disgusted that he should spend our money in such a way. I wanted a new dishwasher last year but he said we couldn't afford one! Why do men go to prostitutes? I just don't understand it.

Answer
Men visit prostitutes to get something they aren't getting from other women. Married men go to prostitutes because they need something they aren't getting from their wives. It would be a mistake to assume that all men who pay for sex are looking for a woman to do something for them, at them, to them, in them or on them. Many married men who visit prostitutes do so to get love, affection, tenderness, warmth and passion which they don't get at home. Some just want a cuddle. Not a few want to talk. All this probably says just as much (if not more) about the wives of the men who patronise prostitutes as it does about the men themselves. Incidentally, on the subject of prostitution, have you ever thought how odd it is that it is perfectly OK for a woman to accept a diamond ring from a man and then have sex with him but definitely not OK for her to accept money from him and then have sex with him. Strange, eh?


Hired For Love

Question
A close friend of mine got divorced 15 months ago and hadn't had a man at all until she hired one through an escort agency three weeks ago. I was absolutely shocked when I heard what she'd done but she told me it was the best thing she'd done for years. She said it cost no more than a really expensive meal out but that it gave her a real kick. Since then she's hired the same man once or twice a week. When I told her that I was worried that she might be falling for this man she laughed. She told me she's just using him for sex and that if he wasn't available she'd happily accept another man from the agency. Do you think she's being honest? And do you think that what she is doing is sensible?

Answer
Men go to prostitutes because they can't get the sex they want or need (or the particular types of sex they want or need). They are often also looking for romance and it is not at all uncommon for a man to fall in love with a prostitute. In contrast women who hire male prostitutes usually do so because they want sex without any complications. Women, like your friend, who use male hookers aren't looking for romance and they don't usually fall in love.
      I don't think that your friend is being particularly sensible in hiring this man for sex so that's OK. When she's ready to start a new relationship she'll probably be relaxed and far more confident than she might otherwise have been.


Fallen In Love

Question
I have fallen in love with a prostitute. I met her in a club and didn't know what she did for a living until a month later. It had never occurred to me before then that prostitutes had social lives and went out looking for a bit of fun at weekends. She is great fun, always cheerful, kind, sweet and great in bed and I love her very much. She says that she will give up her work and get a job in a shop if I want her to but I am not sure what to say. She can make fantastic money working just three or four nights a week and I don't have any problem with her carrying on with her work because I know she loves only me.

Answer
It sounds as though your lover is more enthusiastic about abandoning her lifestyle than you are. Do you want her to carry on hooking because of the money (which will, incidentally, make you a pimp) or because you're turned on by the whole idea of free sex with a woman who charges other men? Do you see your happy hooker as a convenient sexual partner or a future soul mate? Do you want to marry her or just take advantage of her body and her gold card earning power? Look into your heart for the answers before either of you makes decisions or commitments.


Horror Movie

Question
I recently attended a friend's stag night where the usual variety of blue films was shown. I was shocked and embarrassed when I saw my fiancée on the screen. She was the only woman with a dozen men. You can probably imagine what happened in the film.
      She knows that something is wrong but I still haven't told her that I saw her in the porn movie. She has never mentioned this to me. The really odd thing, however, is that our sex life is better than ever.

Answer
You need to discuss your discovery with your fiancée. And you are entitled to know whether this was a one off event or a regular occurrence. You are also entitled to know if your girlfriend still makes porn movies - and whether or not she intends to continue with her work after you are married.
      You are not alone in being turned on by knowing that your girlfriend has had an adventurous sex life. Indeed, some men get turned on by knowing that their wives still have sex with other men. (And not a few like to watch.)


A New Career

Question
I was made redundant a couple of months ago. My husband suggested that I should send some photographs of myself to the girlie magazines he reads. They pay quite good money. I told him that they wouldn't be interested in pictures of a 34-year-old but he says I've still got a good figure. I admit that I'm turned on by the idea of other men being excited by pictures of me. My husband also suggested that I sell photosets of me posing. It seems an easy way to make money. Do you think there would be anything wrong in it?

Answer
Selling pictures of yourself naked doesn't figure on my list of occupations to be ashamed of. There is, of course, a danger that neighbours, friends or relatives might see the pictures and recognise you. But is that really so bad? The trial snaps you sent me seemed pretty damned sexy and had burnt quite a large hole in the envelope. Study the poses used by professional models in your husband's magazines and then send off sets of pictures to one or two editors. If they are impressed (as I suspect they will be) they will put you in touch with an experienced photographer. Another possibility is to contact local camera clubs to see if they want a nude model. This should enable you to earn some money, give (and get) a thrill, and (if you smile sweetly at the photographers) acquire a collection of pictures to sell.


In Need Of A Man

Question
I am a divorcee. I have lived on my own for three years. I enjoy being independent but miss occasional male companionship at night. I have a busy work life and do not have time to pick up a lover. I am also reluctant to begin a new relationship because I just don't have time for emotional complications. Do you know if there are such things as male hookers? If so, where do I find one?

Answer
I suggest you telephone an escort agency and ask if they can help you. You won't find it difficult to find a companion who will, for a fee, be prepared to entertain you, satisfy your physical needs and then go home quietly afterwards.


No Condom

Question
I went with a hooker who picked me up outside a pub. We did it in an alleyway, standing up. I didn't have any condoms but she said she was on the pill and didn't mind doing it without one. Now I am worried that I might have caught something.

Answer
Whether or not you believe in AIDS there are plenty of reasons to use a condom - particularly when having sex with a stranger.
      Sexually transmitted diseases can be caused by bacteria, parasites, yeasts, viruses, chlamydia, fungi and mites and syphilis, gonorrhoea, candidiasis, trichomoniasis, non-specific urethritis and warts are some of the commonest diseases passed on through sex. Look out for the following symptoms: rashes, sores, swellings, urinary symptoms (such as bleeding, pain and frequency), soreness, itching, a discharge, lumps, ulcers and warts. Bleeding and pain are also important symptoms. Now you wish you'd used a condom, don't you?


Film Star

Question
My mate's hobby is making porno movies starring his wife. He then invites me round to watch them with him. He enjoys them just as much as I do. He's invited me to `star' in one of his home-made movies and says it was his wife who suggested me but I'm not sure about it. I don't want to do anything that might affect our relationship as mates.

Answer
Your relationship with your pal is bound to change if he's filmed you playing hide the chipolata with his wife. Your relationship with his wife is likely to change too. It sounds as if they are used to dealing with this sort of situation. It's fairly safe to assume that not all your pal's wife's co-stars have been complete strangers. Only you can decide how you'll cope with the after effects.


Very Sore

Question
Is it true that a woman once (voluntarily) took part in a gang bang involving 300 men?

Answer
Yes. But she didn't hold the world record for very long. The world record is, so I reliably informed, held by a woman who had sex with 620 men in a single session. This is, as far as I know, still an all comers record.


Sex With A Stranger

Question
I enjoy sex but haven't been in love for a long time. To obtain physical satisfaction I have had (safe) sex with a number of men I've met in clubs and pubs. I am told that I am quite good at sex.
      Six months or so ago I helped a male friend's son lose his virginity. Word got around and I did the same favour for two other young men - both sons of friends of my friend. On both occasions I was offered money but refused. Later my friend sent round a rather nice gift. Last week my friend asked me if I would entertain a client of his who is coming to town next weekend. Once again he offered me money. I am very tempted. I know that I am getting pretty close to prostitution but to be honest I can't see anything wrong with it.

Answer
First, let's get something straight: having sex with a stranger for money (or gifts) isn't `pretty close to prostitution' it is prostitution.
      Given the lifestyle you have described the step you are contemplating is not a large one. But it is a significant one which merits some serious thought. Is this going to be a one-off arrangement? Or are you starting a new career - are you going to do this on a regular basis? Can you make sure that you always practise safe sex? What are the possible legal consequences?
      Before starting a new career it is always wise to know exactly what you are getting into.


11. Virgins
Hard To Get

Question
I am a virgin. I met a nice man at a club. He's 24 and I'm 19. I very much want to see him again but my best friend says I should make him wait at least a week for a date. She says that if I play hard to get he'll be more likely to stick around.

Answer
If you play that hard to get you'll be seeing a lot more of your friend and not very much of your new bloke.


The Gardener

Question
I am 19-years-old and work as a gardener. Until two weeks ago I was a virgin. My boss and I worked on a landscaping job for three weeks and on the last day I was told to stay behind and clear up. When I'd finished the lady of the house, a married woman, asked me if I would like a cup of coffee. When I said `yes' she asked me if I would like to have a wash while the kettle boiled. At first I said `no' but she was insistent and so I said `yes'. When I got out of the shower she came in and handed me a towel. Then she took the towel off me and started to rub me with it. I started to get sexually aroused almost immediately and she kissed me and pressed herself against me. She knelt down in front of me and did something I didn't know women did. I tried to stop her and to warn her what was going to happen but she didn't mind. After that she lay me down on the bed and we did it the usual way. I'm worried. Is what she did normal?

Answer
Your experiences will undoubtedly lead to a dramatic increase in the number of young men keen to follow a career in gardening. Stop worrying. Oral sex is a perfectly normal, healthy activity which is enjoyed by millions of women.


A Precious Gift

Question
I am 16 and still a virgin. My best friend, who is the same age as I am, lost her virginity two years ago. She says that the longer I leave it the more painful it will be when I finally make love to a boy. Is this true?

Answer
No. You should guard your virginity carefully and give it to your first true love. Your first true love may not last a lifetime but by sharing your virginity with a man you love you will acquire a happy memory which will stay with you for ever and will brighten dark evenings when you are sitting in a plastic chair dribbling.


Mum's Best Friend

Question
Two months ago my mum asked me to take some cakes around to her best friend. They had been baked for a church social. When I got there my mum's friend was in the bath. She came to the door with a towel wrapped round her body and another wrapped around her head like a turban. I carried the cakes into the kitchen for her and while we were there the towel around her body came undone and fell to the floor. My mum's friend wasn't as embarrassed as I would have expected. She just laughed about it and I had a fantastic view of her naked body. Now I can't get her out of my mind. I constantly fantasise about her and think about that moment every night when I go to bed. Do you think that what I am doing is sick or perverted? She is much older than me and I am still a virgin.

Answer
There is nothing at all wrong with enjoying a fantasy (even a recurrent one) about someone you know and fancy. And with the sort of visual memory you describe I'm not in the least surprised that your mum's best friend is now having what I assume is an ongoing affair with your hand. Fantasies only ever become problems when those who are having them forget that they are just fantasies. Keep your fantasy world separate from the real world and all will be well.


One Prick

Question
My boyfriend and I did it just once but he didn't come inside me. Am I still a virgin?

Answer
I'm afraid not. You can't be a bit of a virgin, any more than you can be a bit pregnant. Virginity is like a balloon: one prick and it's gone.


No Virgin

Question
Early in our relationship my girlfriend told me that she had had three previous lovers. Six months ago we got engaged. We are due to be married in the summer. Last week, in my presence, she told a friend that she had had oral sex with nearly 20 other men! When I confronted her about this afterwards she told me she hadn't mentioned this before because oral sex doesn't count as sex. I was shocked and am not now sure that I can marry this woman. I am concerned not so much at her sexual profligacy (though I confess I do find that pretty shocking) as at her dishonesty.

Answer
A recent survey showed that three quarters of all students don't include encounters involving oral sex when making a list of their lovers. The significance of oral sex has been considerably devalued in recent years.
      Was your girlfriend trying to be `clever' when she omitted her oral sex experiences from her sex CV? You know her and therefore your guess has to be much better than mine.
      On the other hand the number of men your fiancée has had sexual relationships with is fairly irrelevant. A woman, like a man, either is a virgin or she isn't. Yours isn't.


Like A Virgin

Question
My boyfriend thinks that I'm a virgin. This is important to him. I'm not. How can I make sure that he doesn't guess on our first night in bed?

Answer
Pretend not to know what he's talking about when he asks for oral sex. And try not to put your legs behind his back and yell `Do it harder, big boy' within the first five minutes.


Happy Birthday!

Question
My best friend is 29 and still a virgin. He is very shy with women. It is his 30th birthday next week and my wife has offered to sleep with him on a one off basis so that he can break his duck. I don't mind. In fact I think it's quite a good idea. How do you think we should tell him? And do you think he would mind if I watched?

Answer
You aren't an Eskimo are you? I'm told that they hand their wives around like peanuts at a 1960s cocktail party. Your generosity is astonishing. What a five star chum you are. I think you should give your pal the good news - making it clear that it was your wife's idea and that it's a strictly one performance only contract. Forget about watching. He's going to be nervous enough with your wife in the room. If you're there too the event could turn out to be a damp squib instead of a big bang.


The Little Liar

Question
I am 17 and I have just lost my virginity to my long-term boyfriend who is seven years older than I am. My boyfriend has told me that if I don't have sex with him every evening everything down below will heal up.

Answer
Your boyfriend is such a good liar that I can only assume that he may be employed by the Government in some capacity. Such a mendacious lover will not make a good long-term partner. I suggest you tell him that you're so worried about what he said that you've been having sex with the milkman every morning in order to make sure that his favourite thoroughfare remains open for business in the evenings. And then ask him if the funny rash you've noticed could be anything to worry about.


12. Working Together
Merry Christmas

Question
At our firm's Christmas party I got far too merry and had sex with one of the men who works for me. I'm in my 40s and divorced. He's in his mid twenties and single and has quite a reputation for being a lady-killer. I've been aware of sexual tension between us for months but I realise that what happened was really stupid. I don't think anyone saw us sneak off into my office and to my surprise the man in question has been very discreet. My problem is that I really enjoyed the sex and would love to do it again. I realise that we don't have much future as a couple. But I wouldn't mind a fling with him. At my age it might well be my last chance to have a raunchy affair.

Answer
Bin the pessimism. You won't know if you have a future as a couple until you try. And if he doesn't turn out to be the love of your life you still have several decades of potential decadence ahead of you. You're going to have take the initiative. Get him alone, explain that you're grateful to him for his discretion, tell him you'd like to see him again and invite him for a drink or a meal somewhere private. Then just see what comes up. The downside: he turns you down and you feel embarrassed for a day. The upside: weeks, months or years of bliss.


A Good Sport

Question
My girlfriend burst into tears for no reason the other day. It was her birthday and some of the girls she works with had organised a party. They made me stand up and say a few words about her. I'm not very good at public speaking but I had prepared a few words. I said we all liked her because she is a good sport and a really nice person. When I sat down she suddenly burst into tears and ran out of the room. She has never done anything like this before. Do you think it could be her hormones?

Answer
The words you use and the way that you express them are as important as what you say and what you mean. If Moses had come down from the mountain with ten `suggestions' would people have taken him (or them) seriously? Did you really expect your girlfriend to be grateful that you chose to describe her as a `good sport' and a `really nice person'? She was probably waiting to hear you say how beautiful she is and how much you love her. You blew it. Send vast quantities of champagne, chocolates and flowers to her at work and you might just salvage this relationship.


Office Love

Question
My boyfriend and I have made love in the office where we work 27 times. Do you think this is a record?

Answer
I have no idea whether you have created a record or not but your experience certainly gives a whole new meaning to the phrase `Do you come here often?'


Randy Old Men

Question
Why are so many old men randy? I am 18 and work in a hotel as a maid. It is always the men in their 60s and 70s who sit and watch while I make the bed so that they can look up my skirt. I have no trouble at all with men in their 40s who seem much more likely to make a pass at another maid who is my friend and who is still good-looking but who is twice my age. Incidentally, I'm not complaining. I don't mind old men eyeing me up - or even looking up my skirt. If it makes them happy it's fine with me. It doesn't cost me anything or hurt me.

Answer
When a middle aged man sees an 18-year-old girl with her mother the chances are that he will fancy the mother. But something strange happens to men as they go past middle age and when an old man sees an 18-year-old girl with her mother the chances are that he will fancy the 18-year-old girl. This may have something to do with the fact that the middle aged man probably thinks he has a chance with the mother but no chance with the 18-year-old whereas the old man pretty much knows that he has no chance with either. I am, by the way, delighted to hear that you do not object to bringing a little joy into the lives of the old men who patronise the establishment where you work. You are undoubtedly a great asset to the hotel - far more valuable than shag pile carpeting in the lifts and direct dialling in all bedrooms.


On The Job

Question
I am 25-years-old and work in a residential home for the elderly. While giving one of the residents his bed-bath one morning I couldn't help noticing that he had a big erection. I got very turned on and gave him oral sex. Now I do this for him as much as four times a week. My problem is that he has told some of the other residents and now they all expect me to give them oral sex. One of them has threatened to tell the matron in charge if I don't do it for him. What started off as a favour has become a chore.

Answer
You should perhaps think carefully about finding alternative employment. I realise that this probably seems unfair since you have undoubtedly got yourself into trouble through your own good nature but life isn't always (or, indeed, often) fair. If you stay where you are you will, I suspect, find it difficult to change your reputation.


Do It Yourself

Question
I've been having a fling with an odd job man. The problem is that he always comes too soon and leaves me dissatisfied.

Answer
The short-term solution is to try a little DIY when your odd job man lets you down. The longer term solution is to show him what you need from him.


Half A Packet

Question
My wife recently went to a brain-storming meeting organised by the company she works for. Thirty of them spent the weekend at a luxurious country hotel. It was late on Sunday evening when my wife got back and so while she had a bath I unpacked her suitcase for her. I was shocked when I discovered a half used packet of condoms in amongst her underwear. I had a vasectomy four years ago. I didn't say anything but now I can't sleep and my wife suspects that something is wrong.

Answer
Tell your wife what you found and give her a chance to explain. To be honest I couldn't think of an innocent explanation but hey, who knows, maybe she took them along because she wanted party decorations and couldn't find a balloon shop. If you keep this secret it will burn a hole in you, your love and probably the living room carpet as well.


Open Wide

Question
I am a 24-year-old dental nurse. I have worked for the same dentist for three years. For six months we have been having an affair. But our affair is confined to the surgery. We have sex in the chair at the end of nearly every day. Sometimes, if a patient is late, we have a quickie during the day. (Once we did it five times in one day - all between patients.) The dentist I work for is married but although I know he wouldn't leave his wife for me I would very much like to see him outside work. However, he has never even suggested that we meet for a drink together. I am happy to remain his mistress and see him when I can but having a relationship which always ends before six means that my evenings are long and lonely.

Answer
Your dentist employer sounds a bit like a Chinese meal - filling but curiously unsatisfying. The phrases `open wide', `just a little prick', `does that hurt?' and `say aarrhh' will never be quite the same for me now.
      I fear that if you ask your drill happy employer to extend your hours you may threaten the modest relationship you have. You have to come to terms with the fact that this affair - which seems to exist solely of sexual thrills for both of you - isn't going anywhere.


Young, Beautiful And Sexy

Question
My new secretary is young, beautiful, sexy and single. Although I could not by any stretch of the imagination be described as young and beautiful I am sexy and unattached. Do you think it would be appropriate for me to ask her out? I am not sure about the protocol on occasions like this. Could an invitation to dinner be regarded as sexual harassment?

Answer
My team of carefully stuffed lawyers tell me that an invitation to extend your relationship into after office hours could well be regarded as sexual harassment. But life is full of hazards and we must take our moments of joy where we find them. There can be no gain without a little risk.


Jiggling And Bouncing

Question
Why do women dress so provocatively and then complain when men look at them? Several girls in the office where I work wear clothes that leave absolutely nothing to the imagination. Two never wear supporting underwear and consequently spend the entire day jiggling and bouncing. If a man looks for more than a split second they complain to the boss.

Answer
Eva Legova, women’s rights spokesperson for the EU, claims that women go braless to adopt a lower profile and to redefine their status as sex objects. These are good points but the fact remains that a large breasted woman who refuses to wear a bra will wobble if she jumps up and down.
      Incidentally, the Welsh Princess tells me that in the land of the daffodil men invariably look down on women in low-cut dresses.


13. A Bit Kinky
Hit Me Baby One More Time

Question
My girlfriend and I like spanking one another. We both find it a turn on. Are we kinky or do normal people get a kick out of spanking or being spanked?

Answer
An unreliable survey conducted by Walter Walkarpet and a team of intoxicated Morris Dancers showed that 87.5% of Scottish people over the age of consent spend at least 6 hours a week spanking or being spanked. However, Seth Pitt, freelance trombonist and amateur heating engineer, insists that all this spanking helps keep Scottish heating bills down.


Are You Being Served?

Question
Five months ago my husband brought home a French maid's outfit. The outfit consists of an extremely short skirt, a see-through white blouse, a pair of fishnet stockings and a flimsy suspender belt. He asked me to wear this. I was apprehensive at first but agreed to wear it because I did not want to disappoint him. I wore it with a pair of black stiletto heeled shoes and far more make-up than I would normally wear. The effect on my husband was quite dramatic and our lovemaking that evening was better than it had been for years. Two months ago my husband brought two of his friends home and asked me to serve them drinks while wearing my French maid's outfit. Once again I was very apprehensive but it turned out that he had told them about the outfit and eventually I agreed. The result was that I ended up making love to my husband and both his friends. I felt very special and am ashamed to admit that I enjoyed all the attention I received. I was very aroused and found the whole experience extremely fulfilling in every respect.
      My husband wants me to repeat the evening with the same two friends. Do you think this is in danger of getting out of hand? Or should I just let myself go and enjoy myself?

Answer
It all depends on how you define `getting out of hand'. Sister Jacqui of the Neasden Nunnery for the Well Endowed, says she regards eye contact between unmarried individuals as unforgivable behaviour. Betsy Cleavage of Manchester Floozies Inc has considerably looser elastic and looks at things from a different angle (usually lying flat on her back).
      You should do whatever you feel comfortable with - remembering, of course, to take whatever precautions seem appropriate to protect yourself against infections, pregnancy and other little local difficulties.
      It is also important to take into consideration the mental and emotional effects that such adventures are likely to have on you, your husband and your relationship. Will he love you less or more? Will you love him less or more? Will your marriage grow stronger - or will it be shattered? These are questions you have to ask - and answer.


A Strong Woman

Question
I have a strong desire to be dominated by a strong woman who will stand no nonsense. I think this may be due to my having a strict mother. I still have a memory of coming home from school and finding my father, shamefaced and in his pyjamas, being sent to bed early by my mother for some undisclosed misdemeanour. Can I do anything to change my inclination or must I accept it is to be my lot?

Answer
You have two choices. First, you can spend a small fortune (and much of the rest of your life) visiting and talking to a shrink. He may, after 30 years and a great deal of money, come to the conclusion that your desire to be dominated by a strong woman is a result of your childhood experiences. You will probably still have the same yearnings and needs as you have now but you will be considerably poorer. Second, you can simply accept the cards fate has dealt you and enjoy them as well as you can. You shouldn't have too much difficulty in finding a strong woman who will take no nonsense. There seem to be plenty of them around these days. If all else fails try a female traffic warden.


A Mother's Love

Question
I have been breastfeeding my son for seven years now. We both enjoy it and he asks for (and gets) a feed whenever he feels like it. Both my husband and my mother think I should stop now. What do you think? How can I stop it without hurting his feelings?

Answer
I think your husband and your mother are both right. You need to wean your son off your breasts as soon as you can. What were you intending to do? Pop in to his college dining room or works canteen and offer him a quick suckle at lunchtime? Try that and you might find yourself with more customers than you could satisfy.


French Maid

Question
My husband wants me to wear stockings and suspenders and dress up in a French maid's outfit. When I told my mother she suggested that I divorce him. Do you agree with her?

Answer
Dump the mother. Keep the husband. Buy stockings and a skimpy skirt and look forward to lots of giggly fun. Incidentally, do you tell your mother absolutely everything?


Nurse's Uniform

Question
My partner always insists on wearing a nurse's uniform every time we make love. I'm quite happy to do this as I find it a great turn on. However, is this normal? I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 28.

Answer
No, it's not normal. But do you really want to be `normal'? I'm told that the nation's leading politicians are widely regarded as `normal' by psychiatrists and Methodists. Would you rather go to bed with one of these or have your boyfriend dressed up as a nurse? On the other hand if you pop round to his place one evening and find him clutching lots of plastic tubing and a pair of rubber gloves I suggest you make your excuses and leave quickly.


Knee-high Socks

Question
My partner likes me to wear tarty St Trinian's schoolgirl clothes and since I started doing that sex has been fantastic. I don't mind the clothes and it's nice to wear stockings but now he wants me to wear white knee high socks. A friend to whom I confided says that it is not normal for a man to want his wife/girlfriend to dress this way. We are both in our late 30s and if I try to talk to him about this he sulks for days on end.

Answer
Your friend is wrong. Dressing up for sex is normal, healthy and commonplace. But the basic rule is a simple one: anything goes as long as both partners are happy with it. If you like the stockings but not the white socks then tell your boyfriend. And if he sulks tell him you'll wear the white socks if he dresses up as a banana when he goes off to work every day. He is being unreasonable and taking his fetish far too seriously.


Smoking Kills

Question
I have a real fetish for women who smoke. I don't understand it but I get really turned on when I see a woman with a cigarette in her hand and smoke coming out of her lips. My girlfriend has smoked for 12 years - we've been together for seven of those - and she told me last week that she is going to give up. I am naturally concerned for her health and part of me wants her to give up. But part of me wants to persuade her to carry on smoking. I realise that this is very selfish of me and I am ashamed. But that doesn't make the feeling go away.

Answer
If your girlfriend carries on smoking the chances are high that she will die young - after a long, debilitating and painful illness. And there's a good chance that, as a passive smoker, you too will die a slow, painful death.
      Maybe you could find another, safer fetish? Stockings and suspenders? A French maid outfit? If you don't want to wear these then try to persuade your girlfriend to try them on.


All Tied Up

Question
I've always fantasised about having sex with a man who was tied up. One night I got tiddly and confessed this fantasy to my husband. To my surprise he told me that I could tie him up anytime I wanted. The following morning he reminded me of his offer and told me he was still serious. So that evening I used three of his ties and a dressing gown cord to tie him to the bed. I blindfolded him with a pair of 40 denier tights. By the time I'd finished he was ready for sex. I had the most amazing orgasms of my life. Now we tie each other up regularly for sex and it has revitalised our sex life together.

Answer
Congratulations. Just remember not to tie each other up too tightly. And have a code word which means `Stop! Let me go.' that the person who is tied up can use if he/she wants to be released. The moral is simple: if you have a sex fantasy don't be shy to share it with your partner. You might be pleasantly surprised at the result.


Women’s Shoes

Question
Is it normal for a man to get turned on by sniffing a woman's shoes?

Answer
Unreliable research has shown that 78% of lawyers, politicians and shoe shop employees can only obtain sexual gratification from the `inhalation of olfactory stimulative pedal vapours'. So unless this man is a lawyer, politician or shoe shop employee he is a pervert and should be spanked lightly for 20 minutes every evening.


Long-haired Lover

Question
My boyfriend doesn't like me to shave at all. He says he likes me with hairy armpits and hairy legs. I don't really mind (though it does make me rather reluctant to go out in sleeveless dresses) but I wonder if you have heard of this fetish before.

Answer
Maybe your boyfriend has some Italian or Spanish blood sloshing around somewhere in his veins. Italian and Spanish men love their women hairy - which is just as well since 65% of Italian and Spanish women over the age of 55 are so hirsute that they have moustaches which would make Groucho Marx green with envy.


Water Bed

Question
My husband wants to buy a waterbed. He says they are very sexy. But I get seasick very easily and I am not at all sure that the expense would be worthwhile. I am also worried about a possible puncture since we live in a ninth floor flat.

Answer
You could have a wet run with an inflatable airbed in your local swimming pool - just to see how you feel. But keep your bathing costume on or else you will be breaking at least 16 local byelaws and probably frightening the pool attendants too. If you do buy a waterbed leave your high heels in another room and don't let your fingernails grow too long. The delicious and insatiable Eva Legova, Europe's most experienced woman in horizontal gymnastic events tells me that waterbeds are highly overrated and that you might be better off spending your money on a French maid's uniform (or two French maids uniforms if you are feeling particularly kinky).


Son's Collection

Question
I recently found a collection of dirty magazines hidden in my son's room. The magazines are all full of pictures of naked women. My son is away for three weeks. I am not sure what to do with the magazines.

Answer
You should be relieved that your son is turned on by pictures of naked women. It could be worse. You might have found a collection of political manifestos or a pile of magazines full of pictures of guns and hunting. Put the magazines back where you found them. You were wrong to remove items which were in your son's room. Do not worry about him looking at pictures of naked women. He will not go mad or short-sighted or turn into a drooling idiot through looking at such pictures.


A Couple Of Lesbians

Question
A girl I work with recently asked me to spend a week with her in Spain. She is divorced and didn't want to go away alone. I am single and female. We shared a room to cut costs and on our second night here, while a bit tiddly, we ended up in bed together. To cut a long story short I had the best sex I have ever had and we slept together every night. It was amazing. Now that we are back in England we are continuing our physical relationship. She wants me to move in with her but I am a bit reluctant because I know that a lot of people will think we are a couple of lesbians.

Answer
But you are a couple of lesbians. Why be ashamed? You have absolutely nothing to be guilty about. Ignore the gossips and enjoy your life.


Woman To Woman

Question
My girlfriend wants me to let her sleep with other women. She says it won't be a threat to our relationship and that what she wants to do isn't the same as being unfaithful.

Answer
Of course it will be a threat to your relationship. There are several million women around in the world who have relationships with other women. They regard themselves as having real relationships. If your girlfriend sleeps around she is unfaithful. The genital architecture of the people she sleeps with is irrelevant.


Am I A Pervert?

Question
My husband got upset with me the other night. He put me over his knee and spanked me. I didn't dare tell him but it really turned me on and afterwards I really wanted him. Am I a pervert? Should I tell him how I felt?

Answer
The answers to your questions are: `Yes, probably but who cares?' and `Yes, because otherwise you will both miss out on a lot of harmless fun unless you spend all your time trying to think up new ways to be naughty.' An utterly unreliable survey conducted by a team of bathukolpian barmaids studying the history of lacrosse at the University of Totnes showed that 97.6% of healthy men and women get turned on by a little light mutually accepted spanking.


Dirty Talk

Question
My boyfriend talks dirty to me in bed and it really turns me on. Last Saturday he told me that he was going to take me into a nearby wood, strip me naked, tie me to a tree, blindfold me and leave me there while he hid in the bushes. I got very turned on when he then told me what he thought might happen when men walking in the woods found me. I can't get this scenario out of my mind. How can I tell him that I would like to turn the fantasy into reality? Do you think he will be offended?

Answer
I think he'll probably be surprised. And so will you when 15 members of the Old Bilburians Rugby Club stagger along on a training run. Followed by 24 boy scouts. And 14 lonely men taking their dogs for a walk. If you still want to turn this fantasy into reality make sure your boyfriend pins a carrier bag full of extra strength condoms to the tree. And pray that they get used. Finally, don't plan to go on any long bicycle rides for a month or so after your day in the woods.


Fancy Dress

Question
My husband wants me to make love wearing a plastic mac, a souwester and rubber boots. Is this normal?

Answer
If you live in Manchester and have a leaky roof, dressing as you describe could probably be referred to as taking sensible precautions.


Kinky Husband

Question
My husband wants me to make love while wearing stockings and suspenders. Is this kinky?

Answer
No. It is entirely normal. It is, perhaps, a little bit kinky if he wants to wear the stockings and suspenders. But why worry? No one is getting hurt.


Snow Balls

Question
My wife has a fantasy about making love in the snow. I want to make her fantasy come true and I'm planning a holiday in Switzerland this winter. Do you think we need worry about frostbite?

Answer
The short answer is `yes'. The long answer is `it depends how long you take'. If you try to get your wife's cow bells jingling by getting your alpine horn out in sub zero weather then you risk losing all or part of it to Jack Frost whose cold and greedy fingers are ever watchful for such opportunities. I recommend a compromise. Grope in the snow and consummate in your hotel.


Porn Again

Question
Is it true that pornography is unhealthy?

Answer
No. On the contrary, pornography is far healthier than hunting, shooting or eating meat. It is also common and popular. Pornography is so popular and well established in civilised societies that anyone who disapproves is, by definition, a pervert. Opponents of pornography should be wrapped in rubber, covered in whipped cream and given a whipping with yards of flimsy red lingerie.


Rising To The Occasion

Question
I've been going out with my present girlfriend for four weeks and I realised on our first date that she was more experienced than I am in sexual matters. She now wants me to sleep with her and a girlfriend of hers. Part of me is excited but I'm also terrified at what I'm getting into. I'm also worried about whether I will be able to perform adequately.

Answer
I suspect that you don't need to worry too much about your performance. If you fail to rise to the occasion your girlfriend and her pal will probably find something to do without you. More importantly, however, is your attitude to the whole affair. If you aren't happy about mass marketing your sexual skills then say so now.


Going For The Record

Question
I want to go for the world record gang bang. I've talked it over with my husband and we both think this is the best way to kick-start my career as a singer. I work in a bank and I don't think I can stand it for much longer.

Answer
A world record breaking gang bang could be a quick way to achieve notoriety. But don't make the mistake of thinking that notoriety is the same as fame. You won't stay famous - or get rich - just by providing personal accommodation for a plane-load of eager depositors.
      And there are a whole host of practical problems to sort out. Where are you going to find the men? You can hardly put up a postcard in your village shop. How are you going to be sure that they are all healthy and won't leave you with unpleasant souvenirs of your adventure? And how are you and your husband going to feel about this when it's happened and you have become the talk of the town?


14. Poor Performance
Anxious To Perform

Question
Two months I started to go out with a girl I've been fancying for nearly a year. Our relationship has slowly developed and last Saturday we ended up in bed together. It was a disaster. I was very excited and anxious to perform well but I couldn't even get an erection. The following day I woke up with an erection after dreaming about her. My doctor checked things out for me but could find nothing wrong.

Answer
It sounds to me as though your performance failure may have been a result of stress and high expectations. It is not at all uncommon for men to fail to get their pocket rocket into orbit under the sort of circumstances you describe. The fact that you managed to obtain an unsolicited erection suggests that your equipment is in good working condition and that the problem was more mental than physical. See if you can get a chance at a few repeat bookings. Tell the girl you disappointed that even bad television programmes get a second and third chance these days.


Scared Stiff

Question
My boyfriend's erection is not very firm. Do you have any suggestions to make?

Answer
Next time you are planning to make love stand behind him and shout `boo'. This should scare him stiff.


Spoil Sport

Question
My boyfriend is sports mad. But he isn't very interested in sex. Have you heard of this before? I think I'm going to dump him. I enjoy sex normally but with him it's a real disappointment.

Answer
Many sports players and sports fans make pretty ineffective lovers. Dart players just want to stand at the end of the bed and take careful aim. Cricketers just want to keep score. Soccer players dribble all over the bed. Golfers are only interested in getting into the hole with the smallest number of attempts. Sailors shout avast and heave ho at crucial moments and only function properly if they have bucketfuls of cold water thrown over them at regular intervals. And Rugby players, who don't care what they do as long as they get really muddy doing it, usually prefer a scrub down or a bath with the lads to an evening with a woman of their dreams. (There is a widespread suspicion, justifiably held I suspect, that a proportion of rugby players are as queer as nine bob notes.)


Poor Performance

Question
My husband is a keen amateur footballer. He plays football every Sunday afternoon and won't have sex with me on Fridays or Saturdays because his coach has told him that it will affect his performance. He does his exercises, then gets into bed and goes to sleep. I'm pretty fed up with this. Is the coach right?

Answer
One lot of researchers have discovered that sex before sport is good for women but bad for men. Another lot actually claim that men perform better when they have sex the night before because it boosts their testosterone levels and makes them compete harder. But who knows? And, to be honest, who cares? What sporting event that doesn't involve a prize with at least 15 noughts after the initial figure (in sterling not euros) can possibly be worth a whole night of abstinence? Any sportsman who gives up sex so that he can have a better chance of winning deserves to lose. Your husband is a prat. Buy one of those pink, buzzy things and an economy pack of batteries.


Silent Night

Question
I've heard of men falling asleep after sex but my husband falls asleep before sex. Just when I think it's going to be my lucky night he starts to snore and drops off.

Answer
Have you tried catching hold of him in the morning? There is a good chance that he may be more alert and less likely to nod off at that time of day. Set the alarm clock for half an hour early - unless he is Welsh in which case an extra two minutes will probably be more than enough.


Unable To Satisfy

Question
My girlfriend loves sex. She can't get enough of it but I just don't seem able to satisfy her. I've never come across a girl like her before.

Answer
If you keep coming across your girlfriend you are bound to leave her disappointed. I suggest that you reappraise your target.


No Action

Question
I get very excited when my husband talks dirty to me. But he never actually does anything very much. He tells me what he's going to do to me, and gets me very excited, but once the action starts it's usually over in less than five minutes. He's always snoring before I've really got started. You will not be surprised to hear that I am very frustrated as a result.

Answer
Why not tell him what you've told me? If he's a gentleman he will happily spend more time satisfying your needs before getting down to the main event.


15. Tarts
The School Reunion

Question
I went to a school reunion and met an old boyfriend. We hit it off straight away and within an hour we were having sex in our old classroom. Two other guys came into the room just as we finished and although I'm still not quite sure how it happened I ended up having sex with both of them as well. It was the most incredible sexual experience of my life and although I know I should feel dirty and ashamed I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Do you think I behaved like a floozie?

Answer
Draw a twelve inch long line with the word `nun' at the left edge and the word `tart' at the right edge. A survey of 347 passers-by confirms that your behaviour would put you about eleven and three quarter inches from the left end of the line.
      But, what the hell. As long as you didn't get pregnant or contract any unpleasant diseases at least you now have some happy school memories to sustain you through your old age.

Feeling Used

Question
I met a boy at a nightclub three weeks ago. I had quite a bit to drink and although I've never done anything like it before I let him make love to me in an alleyway behind the nightclub. Afterwards he told me that he wanted to see me again and took my telephone number. But he hasn't rung and although I have seen him around once or twice he has shown no interest in coming over to talk to me. Now I am beginning to feel that I was used. I feel disgusted with myself.

Answer
You were used. But when one person uses another for sex both participants are cheapened by the experience. You can console yourself with the thought that you have learned from this experience. He, on the other hand, will undoubtedly continue to cheapen himself until whatever value he may ever have had will have been entirely dissipated.


A Bad Reputation

Question
When I first started to go out with my present girlfriend she told me that she had slept with three other men. However, my mates have since told me that she has a reputation as having been quite a tart. One warned me that she was known as a `bit of a slapper', another said she was a `right slag'. A third, who went out with her for a while, said she had sex with at least three blokes while she was going out with him.

Answer
What nauseating people you've been mixing with. I sincerely hope you told these so-called friends what contemptible creatures they are. I also hope you made it clear that you didn't want to see them again. They sound as though they have the collective charm of a gang of scrofulous and gossipy washerwomen.
      It's not uncommon for women to downgrade the number of lovers they've had when starting a new relationship. We live in an unfair world and although it is usually considered perfectly acceptable (preferable even) for a man to have a lot of lovers it is still considered rather iffy for a woman to confess to having a little experience in this area of human endeavour.
      Your girlfriend may or may not have been modest in her estimate of previous lovers but I am sure that if you love her you will regard this question as of purely academic importance. The only thing that really matters now is whether you believe she is going to be faithful to you (and, of course, whether you're going to be faithful to her).


Mutton Dressed As Lamb

Question
I'm in my late 30s and for at least ten years I've avoided wearing short skirts, tight jumpers and other clothes that might make me look like `mutton dressed as lamb'. But my new boyfriend likes me to dress in sexy, provocative clothes and so I've bought some very daring clothes recently. In fact when I go out now I suspect that I look rather tarty. The problem is that I enjoy it. I feel really good when men look at me. I enjoy showing lots of leg and cleavage. Do you think what I'm doing is wrong? I value your opinion. Do you think that by looking tarty I'm turning into a tart?


Answer
Not in the slightest. Think of yourself as having entered a form of show business. By showing some leg and cleavage you are adding smiles to a world which is desperately in need of them.


Keeping Silent

Question
My husband works away from home and last Friday a girl friend whose husband also works away from home asked me to go to a disco with her - about 30 miles from where we live. We dressed up a bit, had a few drinks and got picked up by five young lads. We went back to a flat with them.
      I was sitting talking to two of the boys when I looked round and saw that my friend was half-naked and was having sex with one of the blokes. I was turned on. I don't know what got into me but when one of the boys started to fondle my breasts I didn't do anything to stop him. A few moments later I was kneeling beside my friend having sex with two strangers. We stayed the night and both did it with all the guys. I've never done anything like it before. They didn't use condoms but I'm not worried because I'm on the pill. I am, however, full of guilt and worried sick that my husband will find out. Do you think I should write and tell him what happened?

Answer
You wouldn't be normal if you didn't feel guilty and apprehensive. But I'm afraid that's the price you have to pay for your wild night out. Neither you nor your husband has anything to gain from a burst of honesty on your part. Unless he is very understanding or you want to end the marriage I don't think you should tell your husband. This is one memory you can't share.
      Meanwhile, drag yourself to the Sexually Transmitted Disease clinic at your local hospital (also known as the `embarrassing itches, rashes and yucky discharge department') and ask them to check you out.


Disloyal Girlfriend

Question
My girlfriend is gorgeous and fantastic in bed but even she admits that she isn't very bright. She isn't very loyal either. I have to work away from home several times a month and while I'm away she goes out with anyone who'll buy her a few drinks. When I pointed out that she didn't have to go to bed with everyone who bought her a drink she said she thought that a girl had an obligation to have sex with a man if he spent money on her.

Answer
Your girlfriend is thick, tasty, satisfying and clearly readily available to just about anyone. It is pretty clear that you would be just as well off with a pot of strawberry yoghurt - which is also thick, tasty, satisfying and readily available.


A Bit Of Rough

Question
My sister, who is in her late 30s, is divorced and quite well off. She has acquired a taste for what she calls `a bit of rough' and two or three times a week she cruises local pubs and bars in the seedier parts of town picking up men. She has sex with the men (usually in a back alley, sometimes in their flat if they have one) and then gets a taxi back home at three or four in the morning. Some nights she'll have sex with three or four men. I'm not criticising her behaviour (I'm no angel myself) but I am worried for her safety. She has been fairly badly beaten up twice (fortunately nothing was broken) and gang raped once (she didn't tell the police because she didn't want to have to explain what she had been doing in the area in the first place). She seems to enjoy the danger and being treated like a cheap hooker.

Answer
Urgently try to persuade your sister to change her dangerous habits. She would almost certainly be much safer visiting a fetish club. And she would be safer still if she found a boyfriend with whom she could act out her fantasies. The chances are high that her current lifestyle will eventually lead to far more than tears and a few bruises.


Game For A Laugh

Question
I am 22, female and blonde. I love going to clubs with my girlfriend. We always dress in very sexy clothes. We dance together and play a game to see how many men chat us up. If men get too pushy we tell them that we're lesbians. Last Saturday we told a crowd of blokes that we were lesbians. We kissed a bit and cuddled to make it look convincing. The blokes wanted to watch us make love. We told them they'd have to pay us £100 not expecting them to find the money. When they had a collection and came up with the £100 we chickened out and ran away. But I really enjoyed kissing my girlfriend and I'm pretty sure she was turned on too. I was also turned on by the idea of a group of blokes watching us make love. We've agreed to try the same trick again next Saturday - but to go really through with it if we find blokes who come up with the money.

Answer
Congratulations on your decision to move into show business. Since you will presumably be showing quite a lot you will be entering the business at a very high level. I wish you well and look forward to seeing you on Channel 4 in the near future.
      However, do please make sure that you take care. When you and your girlfriend are performing you will be vulnerable. It might be wise to take along a `minder' who can ensure that members of the audience don't decide to join in. And remember that although you are unlikely to get pregnant when making love with your girlfriend (it isn't impossible by the way) you can still contract a sexually transmitted infection.


Dirty Dressing

Question
I went to a fancy dress party the other night dressed as a tart. My boobs were half hanging out of my blouse and my skirt was so short that it didn't reach the top of my stockings. My husband was a bit shocked at first but before the evening was over he was very obviously excited by it all. We stopped the car on the way home and made love on the back seat. It's the first time we've done anything so spontaneous for years. Afterwards he confessed that he had been very aroused by watching me walk around with most of my body on display. And he said that he found it exciting to watch other men staring at me. I found it all a turn on too. Are we perverts? I'm very worried about this because I work in a bank and he is an accountant and we don't usually behave like this.

Answer
Stop worrying about the label and enjoy the consequences. It sounds as if your dirty dressing gave your sex life a very welcome boost. I suggest that you get yourselves invited to more fancy dress parties. Or, for real fun, just tart yourself up for your weekly supermarket shopping trip.


Playing Away

Question
I went on holiday with a girlfriend recently. We were supposed to be sharing a room but I hardly saw her. She admitted that she had slept with six different men in the week we were away. She says all girls do this on holiday these days and that it's our turn to use men just for sex.

Answer
Your girlfriend seems not to have realised that while she may have been using those six men they were using her too. Recent figures showed that the incidence of serious sexually transmitted diseases among young women is rocketing. I'm not in the slightest bit surprised. I blame those people who encourage young women to regard men as little more than sex objects. Such an attitude doesn't liberate women from sexism - it merely ensures the continuation of the war between the sexes and results in thousands of young women limping home on a Saturday night with gonorrhoea.


16. Bits And Pieces
A Short Tale

Question
I read with great interest a recent letter you published from a man with a small penis. My penis is just three inches long when fully erect. Do you think this is long enough?

Answer
Long enough for what? It isn't long enough to act as a bridge over the Channel. It isn't long enough to stir custard. And it isn't long enough to get you a starring part in a porn movie. But it is perfectly long enough to enable you to satisfy a woman, father a child, pee up a wall and do all the other important things men like to do with these things. A twitch of leading psychiatrists, led by Eva Legova (the best known of the Norfolk broads) recently reported that under-endowed men are better performers in bed because they try harder.


Foot Fetish

Question
I was already married when I discovered that my husband had a thing about feet. He hadn't said anything about it before we married but he loves caressing and touching my feet and if he goes away on business he always takes a pair of my shoes with him in his case. (Heaven knows what customs would think if they ever stopped him and went through his bag). I confess I quite enjoy the foot massages but it's all a bit odd isn't it?

Answer
Odd, maybe. But what's the problem? Everyone has a quirk or two - it's what makes us all different and special. Some men collect used telephone cards or old medals. Many watch football, wear frocks or go potholing. There are even some, for heaven's sake, who play golf. Your husband is a foot fetishist and his idea of joy would probably be a job as a shoe shop assistant. Things could be much worse. The Welsh Princess suggests that you count your blessings and stop complaining.


A Big Tit

Question
My boyfriend wants me to have breast enlargement surgery. My bust size is 34B and he says he would like me to go up to a 34D at least. I am a little worried about the health hazards but don't want to lose him. What do you think I should do?

Answer
If you have the operation your boyfriend wants you to have there will be three big tits in your relationship. And that is one too many. I suggest you tell him that he needs surgery of his own. Tell him to go away and come back when he has had a penis enlargement operation and is six inches taller.


Get Shorty

Question
My girlfriend is much shorter than I am. When we get round to the bedroom side of things do you think we will still be able to do it satisfactorily?

Answer
Most of the difference between tall people and short people is in the legs. The result is that from a practical point of view we are all pretty much the same size in bed. Your toes probably won't touch her toes. But unless you're a foot fetishist with an unusual kink who the hell cares about toes? I am confident that you'll be able to get the essential bits together.


Not Up To Size

Question
Does penis length really matter?

Answer
Size matters much more to men than to women. And men who are under-endowed in the trouser filling department always strive to over achieve. Evidence for this lies in the fact that Eva Legova (who knows about these things) tells me that the entire Labour government doesn't have more than three inches of erectile tissue between them.


Play Time

Question
My husband likes to play with my breasts. He is very gentle but usually does this for about ten minutes every evening when we go to bed. I don't mind and usually read a book while he does it. Is this practice likely to lead to any problems?

Answer
If the lighting in your bedroom is poor then you could get headaches. A well-situated bedside lamp should help avoid this problem.
      Your husband's habit of playing with your breasts is unlikely to lead to any problems at all - assuming that he leaves them in situ.
      Why not give him (and possibly yourself) a thrill one evening by putting down your book and finding a little something of his to fondle? Who knows, you might even enjoy the experience.


Tiny Todger

Question
I recently had a date with a really nice bloke. He was the sweetest, kindest man I've been out with. I invited him back to my place but when he got undressed I had the shock of my life. He had the smallest penis I've ever seen. It was minute - about the size of my little finger. I was horrified. He obviously wasn't going to be able to give me any satisfaction so I told him to get dressed and I sent him home. He seemed very upset but I think it was me who had a right to feel peeved. I'd wasted a whole evening on this bloke. Don't you think he should have told me about his tiny todger before we had our date?

Answer
What's that word used to describe a female dog? It's a word beginning with the second letter of the alphabet and if I could think of it then I'm confident that it would sum up what I think of you.
      If a man behaved as you did and threw out a woman because he didn't like the look of part of her body he would, quite rightly, be described as callous, crude and completely lacking in any of the qualities normally associated with a sentient being.
      I've suddenly realised that the word I was looking earlier was `bitch'. But the word is far too good for you. I hope your next lover has a penis the size of a telegraph pole and that he has a preference for the type of sex now widely known as `forbidden'.


Cold Feet

Question
My husband and I are going to Spain next month. We went last year and while we were there we couldn't help but notice that a lot of women were sunbathing topless. I recklessly told my husband that if we went again I'd go topless too and he's never forgotten the promise. He seems turned on by the idea of me sitting around with my boobs on show. However, I'm getting cold feet. My boobs are quite big and they have begun to sag. I am determined not to chicken out but a few words of encouragement would help.

Answer
Breasts don't have to point upwards or even outwards to be beautiful. Those with doctorates in Advanced Mammary Observation (breast watching) confirm that breasts of all shapes and sizes are a delight. Variety gives spice to the breast watcher's life and I have no doubt that your contribution to the scenery will add a great deal to the view. Display your assets with pride.


In Need Of Support

Question
My girlfriend has very big breasts. She takes a 40EE bra. Her breasts were the first thing I noticed about her and I still think they are her best feature. She really stands out in a crowd. I was choked when she told me she wants to have breast reduction surgery. How can she do this?

Answer
Women with unusually well-developed mammary glands usually put their complaints into two categories: physical and mental. The physical complaints include backache, shoulder pains, skin problems under the breasts and an inability to play snooker without being penalised for fouling the balls. The mental complaints include being treated as an appendage by men who can't see any further than two large breasts. Your girlfriend needs your support (even more than she needs a good bra) but I suspect that your own attachment to her suckling equipment may be one of the reasons why she is contemplating this act of mammary vandalism.


Hokey-kokey

Question
I am worried about the fact that my testicles hang at different heights.

Answer
The left one is usually slightly lower than the one on the right. This is to stop them knocking into one another when you are doing the hokey-kokey.


Seasick

Question
I live on a busy road and every evening a constant stream of joggers struggle past my door. By the time my dinner is ready I feel seasick after watching all the women joggers jiggle past. There should be a law against it.

Answer
There are laws against most things and if you look hard enough I am sure you will find some good reason to complain to your local council. Alternatively, you could simply draw your curtains.


Sensitive

Question
What is the most sensitive part of the penis?

Answer
The bit she's touching.


Small Willy

Question
My boyfriend has a rather small willy. I was a bit disappointed at first but these days I really don't mind at all. He's a good lover and I enjoy sex with him more than I have ever enjoyed sex with better-endowed men. The trouble is that my boyfriend is constantly worrying about what he's got (or, rather, what he's not got). My friend says that I'll never be able to stop him worrying. Do you think she's right?

Answer
Your friend is totally wrong and very defeatist and should stick to giving advice on houseplants and hats. Most men have never seen another erect penis. They have no real idea whether what they have is family, economy, medium or pocket sized. Tell him that what he has is more than enough. Do a little lily gilding. Tell him that if it were any bigger it would hurt. Tell him that he's the best lover you've ever had. Then tell him again.


Big Feet

Question
Is it true what they say about men with big feet?

Answer
Yes. They wear big shoes.


Bandy-legged

Question
I am going out and think I am falling in love with a man I met at a wedding ten days ago. We haven't been to bed together yet but I am very worried that I may not be able to cope with him when the time comes. A girlfriend of mine who has slept with him laughed when I told her who I was going out with. She said I'd be walking bandy legged when we start sleeping together. She says he is by far the best-endowed man she's ever met. They had a row and she says she's regretted it ever since. How can I prepare myself? I'm by no means a virgin but are there any special exercises I can do to prepare myself?

Answer
I'm sure you will be able to cope. Just think of a baby's head. If your new lover-to-be is likely to pose more of a problem than that then you should perhaps encourage him to obtain a contract with a theatrical agency.


Cut Down To Size

Question
My wife takes every opportunity to remind me of the size of her last husband's organ. I find this constant referral to another man's penis demeaning, depressing and dispiriting. We had dinner with friends last Saturday and she even found an excuse to mention the unusual size of his appendage on that thoroughly inappropriate occasion. Naturally, an unfavourable comparison was made to my own noticeably less dramatic equipment. I have never been a confident person but my wife has succeeded in making me feel even more inadequate than I felt before we married. I have mentioned all this on several occasions but my protests are always met with sneers and laughter.

Answer
What a thoroughly unpleasant person your wife is. I suggest you pack your bags and leave her to enjoy her memories. Before you go put a baseball bat on her pillow with simple instructions for its use. Your wife and the baseball bat should have a long and fruitful relationship; one which will supplement the memories of her engorged and oversized former spouse.


Mr Average

Question
How do I measure my penis? And what is average?

Answer
The average penis is between 5 and 7 inches long, except in Scotland and Wales where the average length is between 2 and 3 inches. When measuring a penis it is customary to measure the topside. If you want to acquire an extra inch simply measure the underside instead. Bingo! In one burst you can go from being Mr Average to being the biggest swinger in town. (I'm told by people who know, that you must measure it in centimetres or else the local Trading Standards Officer will come round and chop it off. But centimetres are foreign so stuff that.)


Parting Words

Question
I am not sure whether my penis is above or below average size. One previous girlfriend told me, when we parted, that I had a very small penis. My current girlfriend says that I've got a huge penis - the biggest she's ever seen (though since she has also told me that she was a virgin when we met that isn't particularly surprising). Which of them should I believe?

Answer
Your previous amour's parting shot may have simply been a cheap jibe, skilfully designed and aimed to wound. On the other hand your present mistress's enthusiasm may (whatever her previous experience) be simply intended as kindly encouragement. Every woman instinctively knows that the quickest way to a man's heart (far quicker and more accurate than merely cooking him a pleasing vegetable hotpot) is to tell him that he is generously endowed in the between the legs department.


Dissatisfied Girlfriend

Question
My girlfriend says that my penis is too small to satisfy her properly. She wants me to have surgery to make it bigger, though I have never had any complaints before.

Answer
Tell her that your penis is fine - but that her vagina is too big.


Small Wotsit

Question
I have a very small wotsit. I find it difficult to start a new relationship with a woman because I know that she will be disappointed when we get into bed.

Answer
Despite what you may have read and heard size is not everything. There are still some women out there who prefer a modestly endowed lover who is patient, courteous, gentle, caring and skilful to a selfish but well-endowed brute. Teach yourself how to please and satisfy a woman and you may be pleasantly surprised at the result.
      Alternatively, the Welsh Princess suggests that you try looking for a Japanese wife. Japanese men are reputed to have the smallest equipment in the world. Or buy a packet of condoms made for use by Japanese men. The experience should make you feel like a well-endowed king.
     


Measuring Up

Question
A penfriend tells me that there is a dating agency in America which only accepts men on its books if they have penises that are at least ten inches long. My penfriend says she knows about the agency because she saw a TV interview with the (lucky) woman whose job it is to check out male applicants to see if they measure up. Do you know if there is a similar organisation here? I'm a keen feminist but I see nothing wrong with enjoying sex and this agency sounds great fun. I get really turned on by the sight and feel of a well-endowed male.

Answer
I bet a nuclear powered twelve speed vibrator to a rotten banana that you'd pull an ugly face, scream `sexism' and burn a bra if anyone opened a dating agency catering for men wanting large breasted women. I have no idea whether or not there is an agency of the type you describe in your area and I have no intention of trying to find out. (I do feel however that there is probably an agency somewhere which specialises in men who have extremely modestly sized organs which only stand up when the National Anthem is played). Women who will only go out with a man because he has got a big dick are as shallow and superficial as men who will only go out with bathukolpian women with breasts as big as planets.


Accessories

Question
My nipples are quite large. I am very shy about letting my boyfriend see my breasts in case he doesn't like them. Do men get turned off by big nipples? (Incidentally, my nipples get even bigger when I am aroused.)

Answer
Stop worrying and start sharing. Most men like breasts and nipples of all shapes and sizes and if your boyfriend loves you he'll love your accessories -whatever their shape and size. (Incidentally, men are particularly likely to be turned on when a woman's nipples respond to stimulation. It sounds to me as though the unveiling is likely to be a cause of great joy all round.)


Lack Of Foresight

Question
Why are so many men circumcised? Is it healthier? I am pregnant. If I have a boy should I have him done?

Answer
Very occasionally, a foreskin cannot be pushed right back. When that happens circumcision may be an appropriate answer. I know of no other logical or sensible reason for removing an essential and immensely useful piece of skin. As long as the foreskin can be pushed back the glans can be kept perfectly clean. One advantage of a foreskin is that it helps to protect the glans and stop it being desensitised by constant exposure to the fabric of underwear. I wonder what they do with all the foreskins which are removed. Do eager members of the W.I. knit them into blankets for the cold and underprivileged?


Forbidden Sex (Bugger Me!)

Question
My husband wants to make love to me using the aperture which is, I believe, most commonly favoured by male homosexuals.

Answer
Quasimodo, the famous French full back, once said, `I hate being buggered. It's a pain in the ass.' On the other hand, many others find it a satisfying and even pleasurable experience. The key is that you should not find any sexual experience painful. Lubrication is important and should help minimise discomfort. There are a number of hazards. For example, you should remember that AIDS is said to be a particularly significant hazard when this form of sexual activity is contemplated.


17. Gay Times
Nipple Erections

Question
Is it true that all men who get nipple erections are gay? I am in the army and my mates use this test to find out whether a bloke is gay. My mates claim that any bloke who has a nipple erection is bent.

Answer
Nipples are nipples and a man's nipples are just as capable of being erect as are a woman's. Nipple erection is much less a sign of homosexuality than is the habit of dressing up in itchy and poorly fitting khaki uniform and then marching up and down a patch of concrete. You should also be aware that loudly shouting out instructions such as `Attention!' `Stand At Ease!' and `Stand Easy' are firm signs of homosexuality. If homosexuality worries you then you should keep well away from any who exhibit these symptoms.


Top Or Bottom?

Question
Is it true that men who like women's bottoms more than their breasts are likely to be gay? My boyfriend is a real `bottoms' man. He is always turned on when he sees a woman in a tight pair of jeans. But unlike all the previous lovers I have had he never takes much notice of breasts - however prominent or attractively displayed.

Answer
Independent but entirely worthless research conducted by Walter Wallkarpet and Matt E. Mulchen of the Walsall and District Large Breasted Girls Appreciation Society has shown that 94.6% of North European men who prefer bottoms to breasts are gay, predominantly gay or are strongly bent in that direction. However, research conducted by the Betty Cleavage Memorial Formation Dancing Team of Naples (twinned with Budleigh Salterton in Devon) has shown that men from Southern Europe are likely to have a strong bottom fetish even if they are thoroughly heterosexual. I hope this helps to confuse you.


Pirates

Question
My girlfriend says that men who wear only one earring are gay. Is she right?

Answer
Not necessarily. A survey of 100 men wearing one earring showed that 15% were gay, 16% couldn't afford to buy two earrings, 2% were pirates and the rest had started out with two but had lost one.


Coming Out

Question
A bloke in our pub is always going on about gays. I'm not gay but I've got a couple of pals who are that way and I hate it when he keeps sounding off. He can't get through an evening without having another tirade about gays.

Answer
My friend Eva Legova who knows everything worth knowing about gardening and sex tells me that in her experience those people who are most antagonistic towards gays are most likely to have secret leanings in that direction. Your unwelcome and noisy companion in the pub is, therefore, probably gay - though he clearly has not yet realised this.


Sexual Preferences

Question
I work with a guy who is gay. I don't mind him being gay but he tells me about his sexual preferences at least ten times a day. His sexuality seems to affect everything he does and says. He never seems to want to talk about anything other than his male lovers and what he has done, or intends to do, with, to or at them.

Answer
Your only option is to tell him that he is boring you. But the chances are that he will then condemn you for being homophobic. (In just the same way that any criticism of Jews or Israel is immediately defined as being a sign of anti-Semitism.) You are not the first to be aware of this problem. The famous Rabbi Burns once said: `I have no prejudices against homosexuals but I don't like it when they keep ramming it down my throat'.


Gentle Guy

Question
My husband has always liked doing things around the house. He enjoys picking out towels and bed linen with me at the shops and spends most evenings knitting or doing embroidery in front of the television. He is very gentle, cries at soppy movies and does most of the cooking. When I told my best friend about all this she said that he is probably gay and that he will probably run off with a welder or a lorry driver.

Answer
What on earth do you want? A crude, rude hairy thug who drinks 16 pints of beer every night, vomits on the stairs and falls asleep before he can remove his trousers? If you love him and he loves you then I suggest you ignore your `best friend's' gloomy forecast - which is probably born more of jealousy rather than knowledge. It is not widely known but Attila the Hun was extremely keen on flower arranging. Every time he made camp he would rush around collecting wild flowers. He would then spend hours putting the flowers into vases and making everything look exceedingly pretty. No one ever dared tell him he was gay.


18. Undies
Not Fit For Pleasure

Question
My boyfriend always buys me underwear for Christmas and birthdays. If he goes on a trip he brings me back a pair of panties. When he went away with two of his mates he brought back a bra from Costa del Sol. Most of the time the underwear he buys me doesn't fit (he never buys the same size twice) or is totally impractical. What should I do?

Answer
Buy him underwear that doesn't fit for every Christmas and birthday until he gets the message.


Brief Encounter

Question
Men seem to find me attractive but I never seem able to hang onto one. The first month or two are always fantastic. But then men seem to get bored with me. When my boyfriend took me to the pub last Saturday I ended up sitting alone while he chatted to his mates. I have a good figure and no man has ever complained about my performance in bed. What am I doing wrong?

Answer
Bella Laudli (vital statistics 78-44-60), the internationally renowned soprano and drainage expert tells me that she believes that underwear is the secret. `Any type of underwear is fine,' she says, `as long as it is black, lacy and almost not there at all.' However, this advice may well be flawed since Bella Laudli admits that her longest meaningful relationship was with a large box of chocolates given to her by a Belgian admirer. She confesses that although the relationship with the chocolates lasted less than an hour this was considerably longer than the relationship with the Welsh admirer who never even got an opportunity to air his leek.
      My feeling is that although Bella undoubtedly has a powerful voice (one of her whispers can be heard at 500 yards) her problem is that she never says anything her potential admirers want to hear.
      And maybe you will be more successful with men if you learn to listen when they talk. Find out what interests them and encourage them to talk about their passions.
      Good sex (and fine underwear) are crucial to a healthy romance but you can't build and sustain a real relationship without talking, sharing and caring.


Erotic Stuff

Question
Is it normal for a man to be turned on by the sort of underwear a woman wears? I had always believed that nice women didn't ever wear the sort of flimsy stuff sold by mail order and in stores at Christmas time. But I was around at my sister's house the other day when she was doing her washing and I noticed that all her underwear was very much sexier than anything I would ever wear. When I asked her about it she told me that her love life with her husband had improved dramatically since she gave up `sensible' undies in favour of the erotic stuff.

Answer
Your sister's experience is quite normal. Rich men who drive fancy cars get more women than poor women who travel by bus. And women whose underwear needs to be washed by hand are loved more often and more assiduously than women whose underwear is largely comprised of grey, heavy-duty wire wool and industrial strength elastic.


Knickerless

Question
When I put on a skin-tight dress the other evening my panties were clearly visible. So, at my husband's suggestion, I left them off. I was a little self-conscious and embarrassed at first but when I saw how excited this made my husband I became aroused too. Half way through the dinner party we were attending we sneaked into the gents' loo and made love. Are there any hazards in going out again without underwear?

Answer
Only if you travel in a low sports car and wear a very short skirt - in which case a regular close shave would help disguise your condition. Your new hobby may be a little flashy for some people's tastes but unreliable research conducted by Gertrude Steinway-Steinway-Steinway and 323 international television celebrities has shown that you can safely go out knickerless without any risk of catching a cold down below. Just don't climb up any ladders or do the can-can in crowded areas unless you know how to do mouth to mouth resuscitation and like the sound of ambulance sirens.


Dressed To Thrill

Question
Is it true that men's feelings are affected by the way a woman dresses? Surely this suggests a rather superficial approach to a relationship.

Answer
Ega Legova tells me that she recently helped a newly divorced friend sort out her belongings. She reports that most of her friend's clothes could have appropriately been put into a box marked `decorating and gardening' and that her underwear could have been accurately described as of industrial strength. (Eva tells me that her friend's solitary suspender belt looked strong enough to use as a tow rope.) The divorced friend had spent six months looking for a new man without any success whatsoever. After two lengthy visits to the shops (with Eva as technical adviser) the newly dressed divorcee has become a candle for male moths.
      Superficial it may be. But who doesn't prefer a well-wrapped present to one handed over in a plastic carrier bag?


Boring Underwear

Question
My wife wears very boring underwear. Where I work the women wear lacy bras and thongs. My wife has one black bra. She wears it maybe once a year. I get turned on by a hint of lacy bra strap but my wife always buys the cheapest she can find. I realise that there is more to a good wife than underwear but this is driving me crazy.

Answer
Buy her some sexy stuff for Christmas - and telling her that you've been fantasising about her wearing it. And here's a hint that may help: remember that you're buying her the underwear for yourself. Buy her a present too.


19. Dirty Devils

Regrets

Question
My husband and I were invited to a funeral but he couldn't go because of a pre-arranged business trip that he couldn't avoid. I went alone and at the wake afterwards got chatting to a bloke who turned out to be a cousin of the deceased. We had a lot to drink and shared a taxi back to the hotel where we were staying. In the taxi he started kissing me and even though I felt very guilty I kissed him back. We spent the night together in his room. I had the best and most exciting sex I've ever had in my life. The next morning we said goodbye - both knowing that we shouldn't see one another again. Now I feel really guilty. Having an affair is bad enough. But I feel really bad about doing it at a funeral. And to make things worse he's rung and I want to see him again.

Answer
One night of wild sex with a stranger can be explained away as a mistake. You can, at least, convince yourself that you were lonely, emotionally raw and drunk when you did the dirty deed. It's a secret you have to bear and deal with yourself. But if you have sex with this man again - in cold blood - you are making a decision that your marriage is either over or under serious threat. Is that what you want?


Grease And Oil

Question
My husband works in a garage and when he gets home he is always covered in grease and oil and smells terrible. I don't mind this at all except for the fact that he always wants a cuddle and a grope the minute he comes in through the door. I love the physical side of our relationship but after two minutes of fondling I have to put my clothes in the laundry basket and have a shower. How can I persuade him to wait until he's got changed?

Answer
You could try taking all your clothes off before he gets home. Greet him naked and then have a shower together. Alternatively, just hand him a bar of soap and a towel as he walks through the door and tell him you'll meet him in the bedroom in five minutes time.


Two Sisters

Question
My wife's two young twin sisters are staying with us. They have made it perfectly clear that they are both eager for sex with me. They are 16 and well-developed but regularly wander around the house dressed in very skimpy undies. On several occasions I've seen them wandering about completely naked.

Answer
Reading your letter I was reminded of those entertainers who juggle three buzzing chain saws at once. I strongly suggest that you urgently help these two young sirens to find alternative accommodation.


Disloyal

Question
I was astonished when I discovered that my wife had been having an affair with one of my regular golf partners. How can two people be so disloyal?

Answer
Sadly, women who are unfaithful to their husbands are most likely to be unfaithful with a man their husband's know and regard as a friend. I suggest that you find a new golf partner. It is not possible to play golf with a man who cannot be trusted. A man who sleeps with your wife might well be the sort of fellow who would kick his ball into a better lie in the rough.


Some Friend!

Question
I recently discovered that my girlfriend and my best mate have been having an affair. My best mate is the randiest person I know and he must have been to bed with several hundred women. My girlfriend was in tears when I found out about them. She told me that she only went to bed with him a few times and that on each occasion she couldn't help herself. She said that he is very sexy and admitted that she found making love to him very exciting. She told my sister that sex with me had never been as exciting as sex with him. She insists that she won't go to bed with him again but can I trust her?

Answer
No. Probably not. I think you should find yourself a new girlfriend and a new best friend. If your girlfriend regards sex with you as `second best' she is unlikely to stay faithful for long. And your alleged best mate sounds as if he is such a lowlife character that he can probably crawl under carpets without wrinkling them. Ignore them both. You can do better.


Under Examination

Question
For a month I've been giving my sister's girlfriend free driving lessons. Two weeks ago we accidentally kissed and before I knew what had happened we found ourselves in the back of the car. Now I take her out in my car four or five times a week and every time we go out we do it. She takes her test in a week and we're worried about what we'll do if she passes and we lose our excuse to see one another. She says she'll deliberately fail so that she can keep on seeing me. Do you think we'll get away with this?

Answer
Yours is certainly a very special affair. I suppose you might just have been thrown together `accidentally' by an emergency stop that went wrong and left you with your lips on hers. But I wonder what unseen, extra-terrestrial force put the two of you in the back seat of your car?
      Given the nature of the tuition you have provided, your paramour will doubtless find it easy to fail her test if she has to remain in the front of the car. She may do better if the examinations are conducted on the back seat.


20. Just Plain Silly
Why?

Question
Why don't men put the loo seat back down when they've finished?

Answer
Probably for the same reason that women don't put it back up when they've finished.


Fat Woman

Question
Why, whenever I fly, do I always get to sit next to a fat woman who looks like one of those before pictures that newspaper and magazine editors print when a woman loses a lot of weight and wins a slimming competition? The rolls of fat always squeeze into my seat and I am always terrified that some of them will seep through my trousers and attach themselves to my legs.

Answer
Secret documents have shown that airlines are deliberately reducing the size of airline seats by an inch a year in order to increase their already obscene profits. Soon only pencil stubs and anorexic models will be able to fly. The rest of us will have to find some other way, hopefully more comfortable way, to move around the planet.


All Four Corners

Question
If I searched all four corners of the globe I don't think I could possibly find anyone as stupid as you are.

Answer
Sorry to be pedantic, but how can a globe possibly have four corners?


Navel Fluff

Question
Why is navel fluff always purple?

Answer
A team of government scientists have just been given a grant of £7 billion to investigate this crucial question. The highly qualified scientists, all aged between 14 and 16, are also hoping to find out why slugs don't eat weeds and how to make a peephole into the changing room used by sixth form girls when they are getting ready for gym and hockey.


Home Help

Question
I have just discovered that my father is having an affair with the home help. He is 82 and she is 26. What should I do?

Answer
Ask him to write down what he eats and send me the details so that I can share them with the rest of the world.


First Date

Question
How far should a girl let a boy go on a first date?

Answer
Brighton is much too far. So are other seaside resorts traditionally favoured by aficionados of `Le Dirty Weekend'. The Welsh Princess reminds me that those wonderfully erotic devices which hold up silky stockings are called `suspenders' because they signify the point at which girls traditionally keep their would-be lovers in `suspense' for as long as possible. Whether you allow his wandering hands to reach this point on a first, second or third date is a decision you must make yourself.


Becoming A Model

Question
I would like to become a model. Can you please tell me what qualifications I would need to enter the profession?

Answer
Japanese scientist Percy Liverwurst (famous for his monograph `Twenty Things To Do With A Bamboo Splinter') claims that modelling must surely be one of the world's most undemanding and overpaid jobs (he says it would be absurd to describe it as a profession, an art or even a trade) and points out that the only requirements for modelling are an IQ lower than your shoe size and an ability to take yourself seriously while prancing around in hideous and obscenely expensive frocks. He adds that in his opinion most fashion models are expected to have the same amount of personal charisma as one of those plastic mannequins that department store window dressers use to display the latest products.


No-go Area

Question
Could you please tell me where to touch a woman to turn her on?

Answer
Generally speaking you can touch her almost anywhere and get a response if she fancies you. But don't try it when she's just putting a cake into the oven. The Welsh Princess says that's not a good time. And don't try it in the bathroom when she is putting on her war paint and doing the fiddly bits around the eyes. Those are pretty much the only no-go areas I can think of offhand.


Sex With A Tomato

Question
I was surprised to read your attack on genetic engineering. Genetic engineering is merely speeding up a normal process.

Answer
Genetic engineering is normal if you think that it is normal for a fish to have sex with a tomato - and for us to then eat the offspring.


Thoughtful Letter

Question
You are far too ugly and old. You should be replaced by someone younger and better looking.

Answer
Thank you for your thoughtful letter of encouragement. If you have specific reasons for your dissatisfaction I suggest that you complain to the appropriate regulatory authority `Ofpis'.
      `Ofpis', which I control, will ignore your letter but will do so stylishly.


Squeaky Clean

Question
My husband gets turned on every time he sees me down on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor or cleaning out the cupboards. He seems to get especially turned on if I am wearing an apron and rubber gloves at the time. I invariably end up with sore knees.

Answer
Are you complaining or boasting? To make life easier buy a pair of those kneepads that skateboarders wear. Alternatively, make your own kneepads using bits of old cloth and nice pink ribbon.


A Big Fat Lie

Question
My friend always says that inside every fat person there is a thin person trying to get out. I don't understand this. I know I'm fat but I don't feel that I have a thin person inside me wanting to get out.

Answer
There would be no room for a thin person inside a fat person. Every last cubic centimetre of space would be full of doughnuts, eclairs, chocolate biscuits, chips, fudge cake and all the other goodies (but bad for you) that fat people love so much. The truth is simple: inside every fat person there is no thin person trying to get out; there's just a lot of food.


Noisy Love

Question
Is it normal for a woman to make a lot of noise when making love? My new girlfriend shouts and screams at the top of her voice. My neighbours have complained several times. Can you suggest anything?

Answer
Move to an isolated country cottage. Give up sex in favour of stamp collecting. Sound proof your bedroom (bookshelves packed with books are the most effective way of doing this). Persuade your girlfriend to moan and whimper rather than screech and shout. Give your neighbours money to shut up and ignore the noise.


Sexist Pig

Question
You are a sexist pig.

Answer
If you mean that I think that women are different to men then you are quite right. (And vive la difference, say I.) You may be interested to know that back in the days when it was possible to make mildly sexist remarks without being placed in the stocks and stoned, W. C. Fields said: `Women to me are like elephants. I like to look at them but I wouldn't want to own one.'


A Way With Words

Question
How do you decline a verb?

Answer
If you are polite you say: `That's very kind of you, but no thank you. I've already got one.'


Something Fishy

Question
Why do people have little metal fish signs on the backs of their cars?

Answer
My advisors, Limp and Grimace, tell me that it is to show the world that they are homosexuals. More strength to them, say I, if this be true. Congratulations to them for their courage in baring their secret in this very public way.


Copyright Vernon Coleman 2011

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