Five Good Reasons Why Iím Never Going Abroad Again

Dr Vernon Coleman MB ChB DSc FRSA

We have decided that we will never go abroad again. Here are our reasons:

1. Travel has become unbearable. However you intend to leave the country, you must first make your way past the unbearably rude border guards. I realise that our borders need to be policed. But is it necessary to hire only psychopathic morons to do the policing? The whole process of going abroad is now painful and inconvenient. And once you are through the border patrols, there is the problem of actually travelling to your destination. I have refused to travel by aeroplane since they took to confiscating my Swiss Army Penknives. (I thought this absurd since within moments of my boarding the aircraft, they invariably handed me a set of stainless steel cutlery Ė with a much longer blade than my penknife.) I now find Eurostar unbearable. The carriages have been `improvedí and I now find them to be hideous and uncomfortable. The lighting was, I suspect, designed by someone more accustomed to working on interrogation rooms.

2. There is no need to go abroad to meet foreigners. Most of them are here in Britain. If I really want to mix with lots of foreigners, and to find myself struggling to make myself understood, I will simply go to London for the day.

3. Foreign cities are awash with security forces. If the terrorists donít kill you then the soldiers will. The French have a well-deserved reputation for cowardice but Paris has become a temple to cowardice. The authorities have been so cowed by terrorists that much of the city is patrolled by children carrying automatic weapons. The safety catches are off and their fingers are on the triggers. Much of the city is barricaded with concrete, wire barriers and armed soldiers. Donít bother going to Paris Ė just visit a local army camp and peer through the wire.

4. The British are now widely hated. The Spanish donít want us in their country. The French hate the British (and have a special tax for foreigners). All those countries which are Muslim hate the British because they donít like the fact that we have been waging war on Muslims in the Middle East and Afghanistan. The Germans hate us because we want to leave their beloved European Union.

5. There are lots of places in the UK to enjoy. And to get to them we donít have to through border control posts. So weíll stay in Britain, thank you very much.

Copyright Vernon Coleman 2018