Bugger Off Europe

Vernon Coleman

As Remainers struggle to see which of them can creep most to the EU it is time for an honest appraisal of our relationship with the remaining members of the European Union. So here is the new official English policy on Europe and the constituent countries:

France – well known as surrender monkeys, they have hated England for centuries (mainly because when we’ve fought them we’ve always won and when we’ve been fighting with them we’ve had to rescue them). The French are ungrateful, snail-sucking, frog disabling bastards who would starve to death without our contributions to the Common Agricultural Policy.

Germany – aggressive, bullying nation which started two World Wars. After the second one the Nazis made sure that they won the peace by using the millions made from the factories at Auschwitz to create the European Union. `You can’t trust a German further than you can throw him (or her)’. They have no sense of humour and no sense of rhythm and they’re all fat.

Italy – invented fascism and threw in their lot with the Krauts during World War II. According to diplomatic sources the Italians are untrustworthy bottom pinchers.

Spain – hot country where the national sport is being cruel to animals. We have nothing in common with the Spanish though since Australia stopped accepting them we have been sending them our criminals. They are desperate to steal Gibraltar and will do anything to nick it (though heaven knows why).

Ireland – no more of a country than Luxembourg or Liechtenstein. Bailed out by Britain in 2008 and has repaid our generosity with back-stabbing. Ireland has never been a friend of Britain. (Remember World War II?)

Greece – the men spend all their time dancing on the beach and no one in Greece has done a decent day’s work since 1962.

The Rest – entirely forgettable bunch of third rate countries. Endlessly ungrateful and whingeing and their greatest individual achievements are taking part (rather pathetically) in the Eurovision Song Contest. (How many successful European pop groups can you name?)

The fact is that Europe needs us far more than we need them. We’re leaving the EU whether they like it or not and they will be in a mess without us. If they want to do business with England when we’ve left then we’ll think about it. We may prefer to do deals with the rest of the world. And we’ll never be friends with any of the miserable bastards.

Copyright Vernon Coleman June 2019

Note 1. The above material is humour and therefore (according to BBC rules) cannot be regarded as illegal or offensive.
Note 2. It has come to my attention that one or two readers have not yet studied Zina Cohen’s excellent book `The Shocking History of the EU’. Anyone who has not studied the book carefully by next Wednesday will be kept in detention.