Stop Them Closing Our Loos (Itís Loonacy and Very Inconvenient)

Vernon Coleman

I want to talk to you about something that sounds insignificant and even rather comical: the closing of public loos everywhere. It isnít trivial or comical because it is going to change all our lives for the worse.

Councils in the UK are shutting down loos as fast as they can find the keys.

And shops and department stores are closing theirs too.

Even cinemas are closing their loos.

There wonít be any loos available in cafes or pubs because the cafes and pubs will probably be shut.

The excuse is always the same: we have to close our loos in order to protect the public from the terrible, plague-like coronavirus which has already killed 300 million people and which will kill us all unless we lock up the loos.

Closing loos has nothing whatsoever to do with the flu bug, of course. No one with two functioning brain cells believes that.

But it has a great deal to do with money.

Councils everywhere have been closing loos for years.

It inconveniences the public, please pardon the pun, but it saves them a small amount of money which council executives can use for expensive trips out and over generous pensions.

The usual trick is to let a loo get really dirty by not cleaning it and then to announce that the loo must be closed because it is a menace to the public health.

But none of this is trivial or comical.

Closing all the loos will make life quite intolerable for vast sections of the population.

Mothers with young children will find shopping trips excruciatingly impossible. How many six-year-olds can go through a four hour shopping trip without needing to visit a loo at least once?

And with absurd social distancing laws ensuring that shops now have massive queues outside them, even a quick trip to the shops is going to take hours.

What about people with colitis, IBS or Crohnís disease?

What about lorry and van drivers?

What about pregnant women?

What about women who need to go into a loo because itís that time of the month? Havenít any of those closing down loos ever heard of toxic shock syndrome? And what about the elderly?

Most older men need to visit the loo quite often as their prostate glands enlarge.

All this sounds trivial and slightly comical.

But it isnít.

Itís another example of how the damned coronavirus bug is being used to make life even more intolerable.

People will end up peeing in the street Ė and to be honest who can blame them.

Many just wonít drink Ė and thatís dangerous because dehydration can kill.

Not being able to go to the loo can also result in an increased risk of urinary tract infections.

It would, of course, be easy to keep loos open and to remove any risk. Fitting automatic doors and flush systems and those taps which come on when you wave your hand nearby would get rid of the need for people to touch anything.

Meanwhile, I have some advice.

If you have to go into town, find out where the council offices are Ė and if you are in need just pop in there and use their loos.

You paid for them after all.

After a few thousand people have traipsed through their office building, the council executives will suddenly find that they are, after all, able to open the loos.

Copyright Vernon Coleman June 2020

Vernon Colemanís four novels about Mrs Caldicot are available as paperbacks and eBooks. (The first book in the series titled Mrs Caldicotís Cabbage War was filmed starring Pauline Collins as Mrs Caldicot.)