Could You Convince People You're A Doctor?

Vernon Coleman

Fake doctors are commoner than you might imagine.

In America a hoax psychiatrist persuaded 10 married women to have sex with total strangers.

He telephoned a hundred women at random and claimed to be a psychiatrist secretly treating their husbands for sexual problems.

He told them that they should leave the house and come back with the first man they could find and await further instructions. In a second call he told the women - and the strangers they'd brought home - to have sex. He claimed it would help cure the husband's problem.

Ninety women who'd been telephoned refused to follow the hoaxer's instructions. But ten did as they were told.

In Italy a hospital found that one of its top brain surgeons wasn't even qualified as a doctor.

In England a meat salesman performed 14 operations in just 24 days while a biology teacher posed as a gynaecologist for 6 months before getting caught.

How long do you think you'd last? How convincing would you be as a doctor? Try this quiz for fun:

There is one correct answer to each of the following questions...choose the one you think is right and then check your score.

1. What would you prescribe kaolin for?
a) a headache
b) a tummy upset
c) an ear infection

2. One of these drugs is an antibiotic - but which?
a) thiamine
b) tetracycline
c) theophylline

3. What would you use to listen to a patient's chest:
a) sphygmomanometer
b) ophthalmoscope
c) stethoscope

4. Which of these hospital specialists deals with skin problems:
a) gynaecologist
b) dermatologist
c) radiologist

5. How many moles are there on the average human body?
a) 20
b) 2
c) 200

6. What is the correct spelling?
a) diarhoea
b) diarrhoea
c) diahorrea

7. Which of these drugs would you prescribe for someone in pain:
a) morphine
b) penicillin
c) caffeine

8. Approximately how many miles of veins, arteries and capillaries are there in your body: a) 600
b) 6,000
c) 60,000

9. The tubes which connect your kidneys to your bladder are called:
a) catheters
b) urethras
c) ureters

10. If you look at a bright light your pupils will:
a) atrophy
b) constrict
c) dilate

11. Where is the thickest skin on your body?
a) on your eyelids
b) on the soles of your feet
c) on your bottom

12. What is the name of the substance that changes the colour of your skin when you get a suntan?
a) lymph
b) noradrenalin
c) melanin

13. The average human heart is roughly the size of:
a) a table tennis ball
b) a cricket ball
c) a rugby ball

14. What is the name of the gland that produces the hormone insulin?
a) the duodenum
b) the pituitary
c) the pancreas

15. How much blood does your body contain?
a) 10 pints
b) 20 pints
c) 30 pints

The correct answers are:

1 b, 2 b, 3 c, 4 b, 5 a, 6 b, 7 a, 8 c, 9 c, 10 b, 11 b, 12 c, 13 b, 14 c, 15 a.

If you got 12 or more right - order your brass plate now!
If you got 8 to 11 right - dodgy, you wouldn't last a week.
If you got 7 or less right - no chance, with a little practice maybe you could masquerade as a bedpan washer

Taken from Coleman's Laws by Vernon Coleman, published by EMJ books. Available from the webshop on this website and from all good bookshops everywhere - on and off line.

Copyright Vernon Coleman 2007