Coronavirus – You’re Not Locking Me In, You Bastards

Vernon Coleman

So, now we know what it’s all about.

It’s out in the open. We are officially living in a police state.

The corona virus (a variant on the flu, let us not forget) is an excuse for the Government to declare war on the elderly.

And the first move in the war is to imprison and isolate everyone over 70.

Whether we like it or not we are going to be locked in for our own good. It’s always for our own good, isn’t it? Just for four months. But perhaps longer. Maybe permanently.

But it’s not really for our sake, is it? They don’t give a stuff if we live or die.

They would never tell Muslim, Jews or Gays that they had to stay in their homes. Oh no they wouldn’t dare. There would be huge rows and much talk about human rights. `The Government has decided that all Muslims/Jews/Gays must stay in their homes for four months.’ The talking heads would be hysterical. But no one gives a damn about the elderly. We’re regarded as a useless burden. We’ve served our purpose now we can fade away. We voted to leave the EU and so we must be punished. Dump the old folks on the hillsides and let them quietly die and rot.

In reality, it’s absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the coronavirus, of course. There are 50-year-olds with respiratory disease who would die if they got within a hundred yards of the flu virus and there are 90-year-olds who run marathons faster than anyone in the Cabinet could open a bottle of gin. They’re not locking us in to protect us. They don’t give a toss if we live or die. They are locking us in to deny us access to the NHS we paid for.

They’re locking up the elderly because they can and because we’re considered a liability and a bloody nuisance.

And Boris is locking up the elderly on the cheap, of course. Antoinette never trusted that crafty, double dealing bastard. And she was right.

We get locked in our own homes. No visitors. No contact with the outside world. Ignored and forgotten. It has bugger all to do with the coronavirus. You’d have to be very naïve to think that. (At least our government isn’t quite as stupid as the Spanish government. They’ve told everyone they must stay indoors. I wonder when they will realise that everyone will be dead in a month when families run out of their supplies of food.)

They say we will get our food supplies left on our doorsteps lest we get to see a person and say `hello’. That’s nice of them. Who, pray is going to do all the delivering? Our local supermarkets are already unable to cope with the demand for home deliveries. Volunteers? Don’t make me laugh. Most of the volunteering in Britain is done by old folk and they’re all going to be locked in. Millennials don’t give a toss about anyone but themselves.

What are we supposed to do if a delivery does come? Pop out and grab our allocated groceries before they are stolen or soaked in the rain? There will be no plastic bags, of course; just a loose pile of groceries sitting there, amidst the dead leaves and the dogshit, for us to pick up and drag into our homes. For many, solitary joys will be provided by daytime television. If it’s anywhere near as bad as it was when I was a regular performer, the days will drag for those who tune in. We won’t be allowed to go out to the post box. Those without phones won’t be allowed out to use the phone box. We presumably won’t be allowed to put out our rubbish because that would mean leaving the house and venturing out into the world. (If, indeed, there are still to be any rubbish collections.) If there are several people living in a house, and one of them is over 70, then they will all be locked in otherwise the rule doesn’t make any sense. How many families will survive being locked up for months and months?

They’ve already told us oldies that we will be denied NHS care. And there won’t be any private care because the NHS has bought up all the private beds. We don’t qualify for being tested to see if we’ve got the damned virus because we’re too old to matter. (The testing is meaningless, by the way. Just because you test `negative’ on Tuesday doesn’t mean that you won’t test `positive’ on Wednesday.) Thousands of GPs, who will be too busy filling in notifiable disease forms to waste their valuable time on patients, say they won’t visit old people. If we fall ill and collapse then we’ll be left to die and slowly rot. Presumably, undertakers won’t be allowed in to collect us. I’m so glad I paid my taxes for more than half a century. The millennials, who have paid nothing, are the lucky but undeserving recipients of my largesse.

If we oldies dare to step outside our homes we will doubtless be arrested. The world is full of snitches these days. The people who have cameras on the car dashboards will be eager to tell the authorities that the old woman at No 14 has just slipped out in her slippers and hobbled home with fresh bread, a bottle of stout and a jumbo sized packet of aspirin tablets. The poor old sod at no 27 who takes his dog for a brief walk at 1.00 a.m. will be dobbed in too. I wonder if they’ll arrest poor Fido too.

The police don’t have time to arrest burglars or muggers but I bet they’ll have time to arrest old folk who venture out of doors – even if they are taking the dog for a walk or buying in a little food. What will they do with us? Shackle us? Put us in prison? Fit us with those ankle bracelets used for criminals and terrorists?

As it happens, I don’t much mind staying in. We have plenty of books and DVDs. We can both keep busy and amuse ourselves. But I want to stay in because I want to stay in and not because some patronising, bullying, heavy-booted fascist bastards in London tell me I have to stay in.

And I have many reasons why I will need to go out.

The shops and cafes will be closed but I need dental treatment. I need to visit the optician. I need to visit the bank occasionally to pay in cheques and pay bills. I will, presumably, be denied access to these essential services. Murderers get to see a dentist and an optician. But not the over 70s. I want to buy a birthday card for my wife. And, if are any shops still open, a present too. Oh, and the truck needs an MOT.

Far more importantly, Antoinette (who has breast cancer) needs a mammogram soon (if the NHS has abandoned its collective impersonation of a bunch of headless chickens and is still doing mammograms). She needs to have her B12 injections. She needs to visit the physiotherapist. She has to pick up supplies of her tamoxifen. If Boris and Co think I’m letting her go to the hospital by herself they’re pottier than I think they are.

And if we don’t drive the car then the battery will be dead and the engine will seize up.

Locking up 95-year-olds for failing to give £150 a year to the BBC’s Gary Lineker Fund is bad enough.

But locking us all in our homes for the solitary sin of being old is something else.

They’ve been waiting for an opportunity to do this. And now here we are.

Well, bugger off Boris.

I’m not going to take any bloody notice.

I refuse to be locked in my own home. I am not a prisoner. And, in the words of the great and immortal Patrick McGoohan, I am not a number.

I will take Antoinette to her hospital appointments. I will go to the dentist. I will do what needs to be done. I will decide for myself how I will live my life.

So, dear reader, join me in refusing to accept this lunacy.

Maybe we can turn this into a Bugger off Boris campaign.

What are they going to do if we all ignored the law?

There’s a problem the bastards haven’t thought of.

We can’t go to court if we’re arrested and charged because we aren’t allowed to leave our homes.

Copyright Vernon Coleman March 15th 2020

Please send links to this article on to all your friends and neighbours. And to the Government. And to any contacts you have in the media.