If the Tap Fits (or Doesn’t)

Dr Vernon Coleman MB ChB DSc FRSA




One of our bath taps has stopped working. The water is there but the top of the tap has worn out and will no longer turn the bit of metal that lets the water through. (That’s me being technical about taps.)

Since workmen are such a pain these days, I thought I’d try to fix the tap myself. We have an insurance policy for these things but I thought I could replace a tap top myself and save a few hours on the telephone.

So I ordered a new pair of tap tops. They looked perfect. But when they arrived they didn’t fit.

So I ordered another pair.

They also looked perfect.

They also do not fit.

It appears that the tap industry has not yet got round to coordinating itself. It’s as though electrical appliances all came with different sized plugs.

So I now have four useless taps. And a tap that still doesn’t work.

We will have to call the insurers after all.

But what do I do with the useless taps?

The sensible thing to do would be to send them back and get a refund.

But from past experience my guess is that if I do this the company at the end will simply deny having received them. I will then be left with no taps and no money.

The only safe thing to do would be to pay £8 or more and send them by special delivery.

And since the taps didn’t cost much more than that, there doesn’t seem much point.

So I will stuff the taps into a cupboard in the garage together with all the other crap that doesn’t do what it is supposed to do – including an entire loo that doesn’t fit our plumbing requirements!

Or I could, I suppose, open a tap museum.

Copyright Vernon Coleman 2018

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