How to Survive in Hospital
Dr Vernon Coleman
The chances are high that you aren’t going to see the inside of a hospital. The medical establishment has decided to stop treating patients in order to do their bit against global warming. (The fact that abandoning patients means that they can earn a fortune while improving their golf game or watching daytime television is irrelevant and should not be mentioned or even considered as a possibility.)
Going into hospital is a frightening and worrying experience. The very smell and sound of a hospital is enough to make most peoples’ hearts beat faster.
When we go into hospital we are inevitably nervous about what is going to happen and anxious about the outcome. But on top of those natural fears we worry in case we do something silly or offend someone.
To the outsider hospitals seem full of important looking people in uniforms – all rushing round and all knowing exactly what they are doing.
1. Before you go into hospital try and find out as much as you can about the rules and regulations for patients and visitors. Good hospitals produce small booklets for new patients. Get one if you can. If the hospital you’re going to doesn’t produce a booklet or leaflet of its own then find out as much as you can over the telephone. You need to know when visiting times are; whether there are any special rules about children visiting; what buses stop near to the hospital and what car parking facilities there are for visiting. You also need to know what the different types of nurses’ uniform mean!
2. So that you’ll know what to expect find out what sort of ward you’ll be going into. Open plan wards may seem a little daunting but don’t be put off. The evidence shows that nurses can keep a closer eye on patients in large wards than they can when patients are cooped up in private rooms. If your condition is likely to require very special care then you may be put into an Intensive Care Unit or Coronary Care Unit. Children under 12 are usually put onto special children’s wards. But older children often go onto adult wards – where they’re usually much happier and invariably spoilt rotten by the nurses.
3. Carefully plan what to take with you.
Here is my basic check list:
• Any pills or medication that you normally take (that includes medicines that you have been prescribed by your GP, bought yourself or been given by an alternative medicine practitioner).
• Cleansing wipes so that you can clean the area around your bed, and wipe your hands before eating.
• Any letter of introduction written by your own doctor.
• Night clothes, dressing gown and slippers.
• Toilet bag with usual contents for an overnight stay.
• Small box or pack of paper tissues.
• Notepaper, pen and stamps. Coins for the telephone.
• Small, silent bedside clock.
• Enough money to buy a daily paper.
• A couple of books or magazines for light reading.
• Make up bag.
• Mobile phone and charger.
You will also need to take food and drink supplies (in British hospitals you will also need someone to feed you since the staff won’t do this). Nurses will no longer feed patients in hospital. They claim that feeding patients is beneath them and unfitting for their new professional status. Staff members who are not nurses are not allowed to touch patients – they are only allowed to sweep the floor around the beds and, occasionally, if they’re lucky, help themselves to a biscuit or a chocolate from the boxes which are always available at the nurses’ station. (Ward offices are considered old fashioned) And so patients who are seriously ill will often die because they haven’t eaten or drunk anything. (The nurses who won’t feed patients won’t help them drink either.) It is, therefore, commonplace for someone to deliver a tray full of food to a bed bound patient, place it on the bed tray and then remove it, untouched, half an hour later with the words `Weren’t you hungry, love?’ The patient, hungry and thirsty can only murmur a gentle protest. If a patient is in hospital and seriously ill they will probably die of starvation unless relatives or friends go in to feed them. When my mother was ill in hospital with normal pressure hydrocephalus (which the neurologists refused to diagnose until it was too late) my father had to drive to the hospital three time a day, every day, to feed her.
Finally, don’t take outdoor clothes or expensive jewellery (including watches) with you. Oh, and you might need to arrange for someone to take home your dirty nightclothes and bring you clean ones. When my father left a major hospital his pyjamas were put in a bag and sent with him back a local the nursing home. The nursing home staff threw the bag of clothes into the bottom of his wardrobe. The bar stayed there, unopened, and was only found after his death. The pyjamas were coated with a thick layer of faeces since my father had contracted a serious case of food poisoning while in the hospital.
4. When you go into hospital do remember that however important all the people working there may seem to be none of them is as important as you are. They are all employed to look after you. If you are worried about something, or there is something you don’t understand then ask. The best person to ask for advice will probably be the most junior doctor. He or she will have all the information you need and will be on the ward many times during the day. And do remember that although you are in hospital you can still consult your family doctor if you want to. If you are unhappy about a planned operation or treatment programme and you want independent advice from someone you trust then telephone your family doctor and ask for his or her help. He or she can visit you in hospital, talk to your doctors and read your notes.
5. Once you are in hospital make sure you get out as soon as you can. Hospitals can be unhealthy places – full of nasty germs.
6. If you think there is a remote chance that you might need to go to hospital in an emergency keep a `grab bag’ in your bedroom. The bag should include a toilet bag (containing toothbrush, toothpaste and, for men, shaving equipment), nightwear, some of the items on the list above and a list of the other items which need adding in an emergency.
NOTE
The essay above is taken from Vernon Coleman’s international bestselling book `How to stop your doctor killing you’. To find out how to purchase a copy please CLICK HERE
Copyright Vernon Coleman June 2025
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