Brexit: Britain Has the Best Negotiator in the World

by Vernon Coleman

If and when our ‘leaders’ eventually get around to begin extricating our country from its jailers, there will have to be some negotiations.

Britain will be up against the EU’s three presidents. (If you have three presidents there is more excuse for throwing around taxpayers’ money).

First, there is Jean-Claude Juncker, the President of the European Commission. Once the PM of Luxembourg, Juncker was forced to resign from that little job after a bizarre scandal involving illegal phone tapping. Juncker is a self-confessed liar (‘When it becomes serious you have to lie,’ he said during one of the Eurozone crises) and a rumoured heavy drinker (it is said that there is little point in trying to talk to him after midday so the negotiations will have to be done in the morning). Juncker helped Luxembourg become rich by fixing tax avoidance agreements with hundreds of multinational firms. In May 2011, Juncker told a meeting of the federalist European Movement that he often ‘had to lie’ and that Eurozone monetary policy should be discussed in ‘secret, dark debates’.

Second, comes Donald Tusk, the President of the European Council. Tusk is a Pole and a passionate believer in European integration. No one really knows anything about him except that he is named after a duck.

Third, there is Martin Schulz, the President of the European Parliament. Schulz is an alcoholic and not as big as the other two. He was famous before Brexit only because former Italian PM, Silvio Berlusconi, once suggested that he audition for the part of a concentration camp guard. Before becoming a full-time, highly paid eurocrat, Schulz did have a job, as a bookseller, but he lost that job because of his drinking. Thanks to the EU, Schultz now has two limousines and 33 personal assistants (paid for by taxpayers) who include five press officers and two diary assistants. We also provide him with two ushers who dress in black tails and greet his guests.

There is much confusion in London about where we will find good negotiators to deal with the Presidents and their many aides. There is talk of bringing in people from Australia and America. Mrs Clegg, the wife of Nick Clegg, the former Lib Dem party leader has said that Britain will need to recruit at least 500 negotiators. I have heard it rumoured that Nora Batty, the elastic stockinged heroine of The Last of the Summer Wine, claims that we need at least 1,000 and that they must all be armed with brooms.

Mrs Clegg is as wrong as her husband always was. There is no need to bring in any negotiators.

First, we are already in a strong position. The economy is booming now that we have voted to leave the EU. The stock market is up and businesses are investing. Osborne, the Bank of England and the gloomy bankers have (predictably) been proved wrong in their claims that a vote to leave would lead Britain to ruin and penury. They were either incompetent or scare mongering or both. And the fact is that we buy far, far more from the EU than the EU countries buy from us. What are the EU countries going to do? Stop selling us cars and cheese? I think not. The nasty little people from the EU will roll over quickly enough when they realise which side their croissants are buttered. The arrogant and patronising ‘Remainers’ don’t seem to understand basic psychology; the elemental greed (for wealth and power) upon which the EU is built.

Second, we already have the best negotiator in the entire world: Bernie Ecclestone. Mr Ecclestone has been running Formula I for decades and is renowned for being able to make corporate bosses and state leaders eat acorns out of his hand. It was Ecclestone who managed to persuade the German Government to allow him to give them some cash instead of going to prison. It was Ecclestone who stitched up Tony Blair over tobacco sponsorship (Ecclestone got the advertising ban lifted and got his £1 million bribe money returned, proving that you can have your cake and eat it).

Bernie Ecclestone would eat up Juncker, Schulz and Tusk in half a day.

So let’s hope we see less negativity – and a little more optimism. The future is bright now that we’re on track to leave the clutches of the fascists.

Copyright Vernon Coleman July 28th 2016