Passing Observations 9

Vernon Coleman

1. Todayís professional footballers and cricketers all look very young. And they all behave like children. Is this just because Iím getting old? No. Look at photographs of teams in the 1950s and 1960s and they look like mature men Ėeven though they are still in their 20s. The explanation is simple: drinking water contains female hormone residues. Boys and men are being regularly feminised.

2. Jeremy Clarkson apparently claims to be a climate change supporter. He bases his change of heart on the fact that a waterway in India has dried up. Two things spring to mind. First, donít climate change nutters usually argue that the world is going to be flooded? Second, it has been known for years that huge Indian waterways are dry because the water has been taken out of them. So, Jeremy can go back to being a climate change doubter.

3. I recently saw a newspaper which contained a letter from a self-righteous woman claiming that she uses the council to collect all the woody material which she cannot compost. Apparently her local council sends round a lorry to collect bags of twigs and cuttings from trees and bushes. This seems dotty. The larger twigs can be cut up and used as kindling and the small twigs are best burnt on a bonfire. Thatís what the council will do with them and doing it at home cuts out the ride in a diesel powered lorry.

4. Millennials or snowflakes are not imaginative, creative, innovative or informed. They sit and stare at their wretched little screens all day long and they seem incapable of original thought. They are, however, terribly good at whining and whingeing. Am I the only one who thinks that many of those complaining about historical offences are wimps who are deliberately turning themselves into victims? Those who complain about trivial offences which took place decades ago (rather than centuries ago) should ask themselves whether they might not have been better off dealing with the offence at the time. A slap on the face or a knee in the groin would have probably served everyone better.

5. The delay to Brexit has done massive, long-lasting damage to democracy in Britain. But it has also done enormous financial damage to the country. Remainer MPs who betrayed the voters and delayed Brexit for their own profit are traitors who deserve to be imprisoned for treason. Iíd have all the bastards hung, drawn and quartered. Most of them will, however, be rewarded for their perfidy with very profitable jobs. The EU will be handing out massively generous jobs to those who betrayed their country. And the banks who stood to gain from the treachery will also be handing out big rewards. Just watch!

6. Prince Harry was far more popular when he was an irresponsible wastrel. He has become a pretentious millennial. And we are already overstocked with those. I suspect that Harry is probably now more deeply unpopular than his seemingly rather confused Uncle Andrew.

7. The lead sports item on the BBC website recently was a report about the Scottish womenís football team beating the Albanian womenís football team. Honestly, apart from seven fans and a few parents, who gives a damn? No one dares say this (though everyone knows itís true) but women are not naturally games players and they are not natural team players either. Men are good team players because they traditionally banded together to hunt. Women stayed at home, did the cooking and looked after the children. This is, I suspect, merely a case of the BBC over-compensating for its institutional sexism. Or perhaps they like broadcasting womenís sports because the rights donít cost very much.

Copyright Vernon Coleman November 2019