The Official Guide to Social Media

Sir Vernon Coleman

Regular readers will know that my ignorance of social media is unsurpassed. I have therefore prepared a unique and essential guide to this strange world. There are apparently more than 60 vital social networking sites. I have however confined my attention to the ones of which I have knowledge.

1. Facebook: Now very old fashioned. Not used by anyone with any street cred but a great way for grannies to share photos of their grandchildren. Also popular with utility companies and companies making breakfast cereals.

2. Twitter: A site whereon psychopaths, demented narcissists, children under 6, celebrities who have passed their sell-by-date and egotistical politicians can share their most intimate thoughts and advertisements. Also popular with utility companies, though why anyone with a working brain would want to ask to receive regular messages from British Gas is beyond me.

3. Instagram: When originally devised, this website was supposed to be called Instagran. The idea was that young people without grannies would be able to find one using this site. And they would then be able to send their new grannies photos to put on their Facebook site. But, thanks to a misprint, the site became popular with 12 to 15-year-olds looking for something to do during school hours. I donít know what they do (because I am not 12 to 15) but they do it here.

4. WhatsApp: This is a website which shows the Peter Bogdnoavitch movie ĎWhatís App Docí in a constant loop.

5. Tumblr: Another misprint. I have no idea what this one does though it is possibly an app for drying clothes. (If you know what it does please donít write and tell me. I love mysteries.)

6. Snapchat: A thingy designed for the under 12s but I gather that it is also popular with immature celebrities. The idea is that everyone who goes onto the site must snap at everyone else. (`No, you didnít!í `Yes I did!í `Oh youíre so horrid.í `Horrid to you to with knobs oní.)

And thatís it.

Everything you need to know about social media.

I hope this has been of help.

Copyright Vernon Coleman 2018