Is George Osborne the Most Pathetic Man in Britain?

by Vernon Coleman

For weeks, Britain’s widely despised Chancellor of the Exchequer (a specialist in U turns) has been making terrible threats to any citizens brave enough to vote for Britain to leave the European Union.

He warned of a collapsing pound, a stock market disaster, disappearing pensions, rising interest rates, falling interest rates, falling house prices, endless reruns on the BBC, floods, a plague of nasty biting midges and a thousand and one other terrible things. In the end, I lost the plot.

To be fair (and to be honest I’m not sure why I should be because he certainly wasn’t) his hand-picked team of half-baked advisors all threatened the same dire consequences.

And the ex-Goldman Sachs banker now running the Bank of England strode firmly into the political arena and warned voters of awful consequences if they dared to vote to leave the EU: jobs would go, there would be a recession, the sun would never shine again, the French wouldn’t sell us their cheese, the Germans wouldn’t sell us their cars and the Spanish wouldn’t let us within a hundred miles of Malaga.

Dozens of economists and bankers (just the sort of people you want to take advice from, given their history) lined up to warn of doom and gloom if we dared leave the warm embrace of the EU. Food prices would soar, petrol prices would soar, clothes prices would soar, alcohol prices would soar and we would never again be able to find a plumber. I wouldn’t be surprised if Fred Goodwin was in there doling out warnings.

The Financial Times newspaper got terribly excited, almost hysterical in a teenage girl sort of way, and managed to squeeze a warning of some kind onto just about every page.

One copy of the paper attempted to compare and contrast two towns, Brighton and Bognor Regis where the locals took differing views of the European Union. The story was illustrated with photographs of the two towns. The picture of Brighton (where most voters seem to support the EU) showed two young, scantily clad girls wandering through the colourful lanes on a beautiful sunny day. The picture of Bognor Regis (where voters want to leave the EU) showed an elderly couple, he with an umbrella and she with a plastic shopping bag. They were tottering along outside a toilet block on a deserted beach. It was raining and clearly cold.

Joseph Goebbels, Reich Minister of Propaganda and one of the architects of the European Economic Community could not have done it better.

The paper’s enthusiasm for the Hitler’s European Project was remarkably loyal.

I began to feel that during the campaign leading up to the referendum, the FT was managing to get anti Brexit comments into just about every article in the paper.

‘This month’s fashion from Paris includes wonderful all wood jackets carved by Black Forest carpenters. These wonderful creations will not be available to British buyers if the nation votes to leave the EU.’

‘The weather for the next week should be warm. If Britain leaves the EU, the weather will always be cold and wet.’

‘England should do well in the forthcoming football matches though sadly these will be the last internationals England will ever play if electors choose to leave the EU.’

And on the cookery pages there was probably a warning that the ingredients for a recipe would not be available if the people of Britain were so stupid as to vote to leave the EU.

‘Sadly, we won’t be able to buy olive oil if we leave the EU because it comes from continental Europe and if we quit Hitler’s project, no one in Europe will trade with us ever again!’

The nasty little Eton boy Osborne even had the nerve to threaten us with a special punishment budget if we dared to disobey his orders.

There would be special new taxes and all sorts of unpleasant punishments for those daring to step out of line. And we would be kept in after class and forced to toast tea cakes for him, using our fingers as toasting forks.

But despite all this, the British people proved tougher and more resilient than George and his chums ever realised.

And the markets and the pound didn’t collapse quite as George and Mark and their chums had threatened they would.

To begin with on the 24th June, the stock market had a bad day. Nothing terrible. Just a blip. The pound went down a bit. But the euro went down pretty well as much.

The funny thing is that the markets collapsed when they opened. But they quickly recovered. Shares ended higher on Friday 24th June than they had been on the Monday at the beginning of the week.

Now why would shares open very low and then rise during the 24th?

Could it possibly be that the markets started very low because Project Fear had worked on the brokers and currency traders? And then, after half an hour or so, they slowly realised that the sky was still somewhere up above them and the ground was still where it had been on Thursday?

Bottom line: it’s my guess that Osborne and Carney made things far, far worse than they need have been. The idiots created a crisis by the scaremongering that was intended to frighten us into voting to remain in the EU.

The other bottom line, of course, is that George lost the war.

And so did ex-Goldman Sachs banker Carney of the Bank of England.

Their pleas and threats fell on very stony ground.

But neither of them have resigned.

You’d imagine that gentlemen would understand that they’d been caught with their trousers in the next county and would do the decent thing – resign and totter off into the sunset to breed guinea pigs or make balsa wood models of the Houses of Parliament. Maybe they could work up a comedy act together: ‘Osborne and Carney: Custard Pies a Speciality: Guaranteed to make you giggle.’

Even George Osborne’s old Etonian chum, David Cameron, agreed to fall on his sword rather than have one thrust up into his nether regions by a cluster of disappointed Tories and enraged eurocrats.

But not old George. No sword for him. And no sword for ex-Goldman Sachs twit Mark Carney either. They remain, clinging to the wreckage of broken policies and broken threats.

‘I’ll do all I can to make Brexit work,’ said George, when the votes had been counted.

You can almost imagine him rubbing his hands in his best impersonation of Uriah Heep.

Fuck off George.

You lost.

As Enoch Powell once said: all political careers end in failure.

And that is exactly what just happened to yours.

P.S. Cameron is definitely going and it looks likely that Corbyn will be next. Good riddance to them both. If anyone had the foggiest idea who is leading what is left of the Liberal party they’d be in trouble too. And how about a resignation from someone in the sanctimonious Green Party?

P.P.S. Germany has just realised that they will now have to find several billion euros a year to replace EU’s membership fee. No one else in Europe has any money because the EU’s policies have virtually bankrupted everyone. How long before the German people demand their own referendum? Then, when Germany leaves, who will pay the eurocrats’ fat salaries and pensions? Oh what joy this is.

P.P.P.S. Politicians all over Europe are shocked and horrified at the decision made by the British people. But the people throughout Europe are delighted and excited. Citizens in France, Holland, Austria, Finland and Hungary are already demanding their own chance to get out of the EU. The disconnect between politicians and the people they are supposed to represent is massive. The revolution has begun.

Copyright Vernon Coleman June 25th 2016

Note: Vernon Coleman’s books are now available as ebooks on Amazon. Political books available include: Stuffed! and Bloodless Revolution.