Stop Press News

Dr Vernon Coleman

1. It has now been officially decided that in addition to the millions suffering from an imaginary disease called Long Covid, there are also millions suffering from Long Cold. It seems that all sorts of diseases may linger on for extended periods. I expect to hear within days that NHS staff, police and other public employees who have Long Dandruff can take time off work until their condition has been cured.

2. The BBC has apologised for a serious error on its website. `We inadvertently published a picture of a white man not wanted by the police,’ said a spokesperson. `We regret this error. The member of staff responsible has been dealt with.’

3. The BMA has called for an end to the treatment of sick people. `Looking after people who are ill takes a good deal of time and money,’ said a BMA spokesdoctor. `If we stopped wasting money on patients we could give doctors a 350% pay rise and they could stay at home and catch up with their Netflix watching.’

4. In all future elections, the ballot paper will contain an additional choice. Voters will be able to tick a box labelled `Fuck Them All’.

5. It has just been announced by the mainstream media (which only prints last year’s news) that Prince Bernhard was definitely a Nazi. That will come as no news to readers of my new book `Their Terrifying Plan’. This is what I wrote in the section about the Bilderbergers. `Named after the hotel where the conspirators first met in May 1954 (the Hotel de Bilderberg in Holland) the group was created by Prince Bernhard of the Netherlands, a powerful Dutch businessman, a friend of the Rothschilds and a former Nazi SS storm trooper who described his work for Hitler as a lot of fun and yet somehow managed to remain an eminent member of Dutch society after the end of World War II. Interestingly, Bernhard was a Nazi at the same time as Klaus Schwab’s father.’ In `Their Terrifying Plan’ I also pointed out that the honorary sponsor of the third Davos meeting of the WEF in 1973 was Prince Bernhard of the Netherlands (described as a former Nazi and the founder of the Bilderberger meetings). Read my book `The Terrifying Plan’ to find out what the mainstream media will be writing about next year.

6. The banning of single use plastics is rather odd because single use PPE is made with plastic. (I bet the plastic banners didn’t think of that.)

7. It makes good sense for governments everywhere to bring in euthanasia for the under 30s. Expect this to be introduced any minute now. `The under 30s use up far more energy than the over 60s,’ a spokesmoron will say. `Most of them will live for years and use up lots of oil and gas. It makes far more sense to euthanize the under 30s than to euthanize the elderly who will soon be dead anyway.’

8. The weather in England is now so hot that a fisherman in Staffordshire caught a ready cooked trout. `The river water was just the perfect temperature for cooking a fish,’ said the fisherman. `I threw away my sandwiches and had the trout for my lunch. A real treat.’ Two wild river swimmers who ventured into the same river are being treated for serious burns. `The water was so hot that my swimming costume melted,’ complained one swimmer.

Copyright Vernon Coleman October 2023