The Rules for the Second Referendum

Vernon Coleman

Is the Government secretly making preparations for the next Referendum on whether or not Britain should leave the EU?

I fear that a new Referendum will be ordered by our Masters in Brussels. They found the result of the last one unacceptable.

The Prime Minister says there won’t be another Referendum.

But I wouldn’t believe her if she told me her name was Theresa May.

The Government’s secret plan will be to ensure a result which is acceptable to Brussels.

And the plan will be formulated by an independent committee comprising Remainers from the Government, Parliament, Civil Service and the BBC. The Chairman of the independent committee was John Bercow, the Speaker of the House of Commons.

Here’s what I suspect they’ll do:

1. No one over the age 70 will be allowed to vote. The over 70s tend to be well-informed, fond of freedom and patriotic and are therefore likely to vote against the interests of the European Union.
2. The voting age will be reduced to 16. Schoolchildren have been brainwashed by the EU and their teachers into believing that the Nazis were good people who were simply misunderstood. They have been taught that although Hitler was a fascist he was also a socialist (his party was, after all, called the National Socialist German Workers’ Party) and, therefore, just as good a person as Tony Blair or Jeremy Corbyn.
3. A blind eye will be turned to students registering to vote at home and at university. It is well known that students are terrified of freedom and democracy. Since students adore the EU and want to get back to the days when everyone could march about in highly polished boots they are entitled to at least two votes each.
4. Citizens in Southern Ireland will be allowed to vote. Ireland will be affected by the decision of the British people and so Bercow will doubtless insist the Irish should be allowed to have a say on whether or not Brexit goes ahead.
5. Gibraltarians were allowed to vote in the First Referendum and this proved very successful since 99 per cent of them turned out to be traitors. It will, therefore, be decided that it is only fair that the Spanish should also be allowed to vote in future Referendums.
6. EU citizens who are visiting the UK, even for a day, will be allowed to vote since the result of the vote will have an effect on the whole of the EU. The EU will provide free travel tickets for all EU citizens who would like to visit the UK on the day of the Referendum.
7. The EU will give the BBC £1 billion so that it can make a series of entirely independent news programmes about the importance of the EU and help ensure a good result for the Referendum.

‘It is our intention to make the Second Referendum completely fair,’ Mrs May will say. ‘And if, by accident, the people of Britain fail to reach the right decision we will, of course, have a Third Referendum. And, if necessary, a Fourth. I have confidence that the people will eventually reach the right decision.’

To help with the count, Philip Hammond will import several thousand specially made calculators sponsored by the Daily Mail.

‘Our new calculators will make sure that all Remain votes are counted twice,’ Mr Hammond will tell the BBC. ‘This is only fair since there are far fewer Remain voters than Brexit voters.’

Copyright Vernon Coleman March 2019

If you want to know what Britain will be like under the EU read Revolt. It’s available as an eBook and a paperback on Amazon. ‘I enjoyed reading Revolt. I fear that much of the book may come true,’ said Nigel Farage.