`I Hope Your Penis Shrivels Up’

Vernon Coleman

There is now a 390 page paperback edition of my book I Hope Your Penis Shrivels Up – a collection of Questions and Answers from my agony column in the Sunday People.

Here are a few sample quotes, taken from my replies to readers:

The instant they become teenagers, kids suffer a hormonal explosion which turns them into psychotic, spotty, arrogant, self-centered, repulsive know-it-alls.

It can take hours for a sperm to swim and meet an egg – the girl in the supermarket could be getting pregnant while she slips your breadsticks into your bag.

No human activity is without risk. A man I know once knelt down to pray in church and impaled his knee upon a protruding nail.

Slimmers should remember the 10th Commandment: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ass.

For procreation it doesn't matter a toss whether a woman has an orgasm. Please send complaints to the manufacturer. He is open on Sundays.

Never work for someone whose shoe size is greater than their IQ.

He sounds the sort of person who starts the day with a raw liver sandwich, washes it down with a quart of rubbing alcohol and prepares himself for the day’s work by watching old newsreel footage of Adolf Hitler practising the Berchtesgaden strut for his performances at the Berlin Odeon.

Isn't it odd how everyone who can recall a previous existence always claims to have been someone romantic and fascinating?

The real tragedy is that millions of people are dead at twenty. They get carried on through life like driftwood, never taking control of their own destiny.

The arrival of tights marked the end of modern civilisation.

Most parents lose any vestiges of hope when their ungrateful children finally turn into whining teenagers.

When your children finally metamorphose into young adults you can get your own back by encouraging them to marry and to have children of their own.

An army of pseudo-intellectual vigilantes, armed with suspicion and wagging fingers, now patrols every aspect of life. In the world in which these mind control fascists would have us live, jokes and lingerie would be outlawed.

If you've been brought up to think of it as normal for overweight accountants to barbecue sausages in the nude then nudism probably does seem perfectly natural. The fact is, however, that most of us like to have somewhere to keep our handkerchiefs.

I would suggest that you buy a plastic blow up doll but even plastic blow up dolls have standards

Hannibal was Commander in Chief of the Carthaginian army at the age of 26 – in charge of 40,000 troops and 38 elephants, so running a florist's shop doesn't seem an entirely unreasonable ambition at the age of 27.

Taken from I Hope Your Penis Shrivels Up by Vernon Coleman – now available as an eBook and a paperback.

Copyright Vernon Coleman May 2019