Too Sexy To Print
For twenty years I
wrote a column which appeared in three national tabloid newspapers. These are
some of the questions which editors refused to publish on the grounds that they
were `too sexy to print'.
Contents
1. Sharing People
2.
Good Neighbours
3. Nurses And Doctors
4. Flashers And Peepers
5. Happy
Families
6. Happy Dressers
7. Sad And Nasty Bastards
8. All In The Name
Of Science
9. Bad Taste (And Hard To Swallow)
10. Working With
Professionals
11. Virgins
12. Working Together
13. A Bit Kinky
14.
Poor Performance
15. Tarts
16. Bits And Pieces
17. Gay Times
18.
Undies
19. Dirty Devils
20. Just Plain Silly
1.
Sharing People
Piggy In The Middle
Question
A few months
ago my husband's best pal came to stay with us after he was chucked out by his
wife. (He cheats on her constantly.) On the second night both men stayed out
late and I went to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and found my
husband's pal fondling me. We made love and he stayed the night. The next
morning neither he nor my husband said anything but it was clear my husband had
slept in the spare room. That was six weeks ago and since then both men have
taken it in turns to sleep with me. I don't mind. (Actually I rather enjoy it.)
Do you think I should say anything?
Answer
It sounds as though
you are all very happy with this rather unusual menage a trois. I suggest that
(apart from the usual moaning and groaning at appropriate moments) you keep
quiet.
If you say nothing, things will
probably trundle along as they are until your husband's friend gets tired and
moves on. If you speak up you may embarrass your husband. Or you might find
yourself with two men in your bed at a time; playing a highly erotic version of
piggy in the middle.
I assume, by the way,
that you are aware of the emotional and physical dangers of sharing your favours
in this way. If you get pregnant you won't know who the father is. If one of you
has an infection you'll probably all get it. Buy lots of condoms and use them.
You've Been Had
Question
My boyfriend comes
from Ecuador. He says that where he comes from it is customary for a woman to
agree to have sex with her man's friends or workmates whenever they want it. He
works as a busker with five other men from Ecuador and he says that if I want to
be his girlfriend I have to have sex with all five of them. I love my boyfriend
very much and do not want to lose him. So far I have slept with three of his
friends. Are these men telling me the truth or do you think I am being taken
advantage of?
Answer
I'm afraid you have been had. I've had a
number of letters from other readers who have told a similar story and this is
obviously just a common (and presumably successful) chat up line used by
wandering minstrels. Give your boyfriend an ultimatum: either he agrees to a
traditional monogamous relationship, and abandons this absurd wife sharing
arrangement which he and his pals have dreamt up, or else you leave him to find
another sucker. And tell him that in this country it is customary for a man who
has conned an innocent girl to make amends by giving her all his money and doing
without sex for a month.
Finally, I suggest
that you should consider yourself susceptible (not to mention gullible). In
future take great care when purchasing life insurance, second-hand cars and time
share apartments in Spain.
The Gym Instructor
Question
On our recent
holiday I made my husband's fantasy come true by allowing him to watch me having
sex with another man. Now that we are back home he wants a repeat performance
and has suggested that I have sex with my gym instructor whom I have been
secretly sleeping with since before we were married. Do you think I should do
what my husband wants? I would prefer him to find another partner so that I
could have a third man to satisfy my needs.
Answer
Although
you are clearly a generous and warm-hearted woman, and it was undoubtedly very
kind of you to let your husband watch you have sex with another man, yours is
not what one would call an ordinary marriage, is it? (Unless your husband is an
MP.)
At this stage I don't think you need
advice as much as you need a large, economy sized bag of condoms (and if you
haven't been using condoms in the past you also need a season ticket to your
local sexually transmitted diseases clinic).
Many couples fantasise about doing what you've done. As a fantasy it's a fairly
normal, healthy part of a relationship. When turned into reality all sorts of
problems can be created - though it is also true that some relationships are,
paradoxically, strengthened by this sort of activity. I hope that your marriage
is one of the relatively few which can survive turning fantasy into reality.
Second Innings
Question
My former husband
was a keen cricketer and I'm still a member of the club he played for. I help
with the teas. My son is now one of the opening batsmen. Last Saturday the club
had its annual dinner. My son and his wife left early because their baby sitter
had to go home at 11.00 and after they'd gone I started flirting and smooching
with a couple of the other players. When the party ended I went back to a flat
shared by two of my son's best friends and spent the night in bed with both of
them. When I left (after lunch on Sunday) they jokingly promised not to say
anything to my son if I returned for regular repeat engagements. Both of them
are unattached. I pretended to agree reluctantly but I was thrilled that they
both wanted me again. My sex life has been pretty dull since my husband left. Do
you think I should tell my son?
Answer
Why on earth would you
want to tell your son? If you want to boast about the revival in your sexual
fortunes tell a girlfriend - and enjoy watching her go green with envy. And why
shouldn't you be pleased with yourself? You are, I assume, free and single and
perfectly entitled to enjoy yourself. I hope your memorable success at, and
subsequent to, the cricket club dinner will lead to a long-term revival in your
sexual and romantic fortunes.
Just A Few
Question
I asked my wife how many
men she had sex with before we got married. She said `just a few'. What do you
think she means by this? Whenever I ask her to be more specific she just shrugs,
smiles and starts to fondle me so that I forget the question.
Answer
If she's 40 or over `just a few' probably means she's
had full sex with three men and enjoyed heavy petting with ten. I doubt if she
will have had any one night stands. If she's 25 to 40-years-old she's probably
had full sex with around ten men and enjoyed heavy petting with five more.
She'll have probably had one night stands with three guys. If she's under 25
she'll probably regard `just a few' as having full sex with 30 to 40 men. My
guess is that she's never limited herself to heavy petting. She'll have probably
had one night stands with 15 strangers.
Wife Swapping
Question
What do you think
about wife swapping? A friend of mine and his wife regularly attend wife
swapping parties. He claims that a little extramarital nookie helps to keep
their marriage alive and well while knowing that his wife knows about it means
that he doesn't have to feel guilty.
Answer
Wife swapping is to
a healthy, happy marriage what anthrax is to public health.
Have you noticed, by the way, that people
only ever talk about wife swapping? The phrase `wife swapping' conjures up
thoughts of stockings and suspenders, lust and high-octane sex.
On the other hand the phrase `husband
swapping' is more likely to conjure up thoughts of one middle aged man in a
chunky sweater and grubby jeans popping round to fix a faulty toilet while
another, identically dressed husband, does a little light guest electrical work
in the loft.
Over-sexed Wife
Question
My wife was a
self-confessed nymphomaniac when we married. She promised to do her best to
change. But her best has not been very good, in the two years since we've been
married she has to my certain knowledge had sex with both my cousins (I never
liked them anyway), two of the guys I work with, three neighbours, a guy she met
on holiday, two blokes she met in the pub when out with girlfriends and four men
she works with. The only thing in her favour is the fact that she is honest and
always tells me afterwards. Do you think she will ever
change?
Answer
Your wife won't change until she knows why she
behaves in this way. What is missing? What is she looking for? The chances are
that she is desperately searching for love, romance, approval and affection. Try
to give her more of these things yourself. Tell her daily how beautiful she is,
how sexy she is and, most important of all, how much you love her.
Finally, I suspect that you may have been too
understanding and too forgiving. Unless you enjoy sharing your wife with the
rest of the local male population I suggest you make your disapproval clear. And
you should both get appointments at the local sexually transmitted diseases
clinic. I assume that your wife has insisted that her partners use condoms but
although condoms provide some protection they aren't always 100% effective.
Three Into One Will Go
Question
My wife
enjoys having sex with strangers and I like watching her. I recently took her to
a meeting with two foreign business colleagues and introduced her as a hooker
I'd hired for the evening. She had sex with both of them while I watched and
then I had sex with her while they watched. They had no idea that it was my wife
they'd had sex with. As a bonus, I saved the money I would have spent on hiring
a prostitute.
Answer
Thank you for sharing with us your cost
cutting tip. I feel sure that businessmen everywhere will be eager to follow
your example. Walter Wallkarpet, who has been a commercial traveller for 54
years, says he tried to do something similar with Mrs Wallkarpet last year while
on a business trip to America. Sadly, the 326 hardware salesmen to whom he made
the offer showed embarrassingly little interest in the proposition.
Free Sex
Question
I have been married for 22
years to a wonderful man. A year ago he kept on at me to go to bed with another
man to see what it was like as I have only ever slept with him. After months of
wearing me down I agreed. My husband arranged it for a Saturday night with one
of his pals from work. I always thought men got turned on by watching their
wives having sex with other men but this was different. He told us to use our
bedroom while he slept in the spare room. This now happens every Saturday night
and my husband always brings my lover and myself breakfast on Sunday morning. I
am only doing this to please my husband but would like to know what he gets out
of it as he never watches or joins in. My lover is no better in bed than my
husband. I suppose I must get a thrill out of it or I would not do
it.
Answer
Your arrangement sounds quaintly suburban and
neurotic the only odd thing about it is that somehow it doesn't seem in the
slightest bit strange. I have a feeling that your husband probably wears a nice
frilly pinny over his cavalry twill trousers and checked shirt when he delivers
breakfast on Sunday mornings. I can see what your lover gets out of this. (Free
sex with no responsibility). And I can see that you might get a thrill out of
your Saturday Night Special. But I'm not sure what your hubby gets out of it.
Maybe he's a masochist who gets a kick out of knowing that he is being
cuckolded. Maybe he gets a warm glow from sharing you with another guy. Or he
may just need a night off occasionally. Who knows. Who cares. As long as you are
all happy. You are, I assume, taking care to minimise the risks of infection and
pregnancy.
My Wife's A Nymphomaniac
Question
I think my
wife is a nymphomaniac. Before we got married she had scores of boyfriends and
slept with them all. She had quite a reputation. When we married she swore she'd
be faithful but we've only been married for four months and she's already had
sex with two of my friends and a man she met in a club while out with some
girlfriends. She makes no secret of her sexual needs and says that she only went
with these men for the sex. She insists that she loves me. Can I believe
her?
Answer
Sex and love don't have to go together, and your
wife may be being honest in telling you that she loves only you, but if she
loved you enough she would understand the damage her constant promiscuity is
doing to your relationship and she would realise that her unfaithfulness is
slowly wrecking your trust and love for her.
The bad news is that unless you are happy for your wife to have a string of
lovers, or she admits that she has to change (and then makes a real effort to do
just that) you are probably going to have to divorce her. The good news is that
you'll probably be better off without her. She isn't ready for marriage. She is,
however, ready for a series of appointments in the Clinic for Infected Satyrs
& Nymphos at your local hospital.
Unusual Relationship
Question
For nine
months now I've been going out with a beautiful girl I met in a club. It is, I
admit, a pretty unusual relationship. On Friday and Saturday nights we usually
end up having a threesome with men she's picked up in a club. Last weekend,
while she was making love with a guy I'd never seen before (I didn't even know
his name) I suddenly realised that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with
this woman so I asked her to marry me. She turned her head, smiled at me and
accepted. It was a rather strange situation because neither she nor the bloke
she was with attempted to stop what they were doing. I have told her that I
don't want her picking up any more strangers when we are married but she wants
us to carry on as before.
Answer
I'm sorry to be a party
pooper but I think you should put your marriage plans on hold. Your relationship
with this woman is heading for a wall - with a big crash and a lot of damage
inevitable. One of you is going to have to give way - and be happy about the
change in your lifestyle - before this marriage will work.
Impromptu Trio
Question
I don't like sex
very much but my husband is very highly sexed and expects it two or three times
a week. I recently discovered that a female friend who is divorced is desperate
for sex. I jokingly suggested that she take my husband off my hands once or
twice a week. To my astonishment she took me seriously and said that she'd be
delighted. At the time I tried to laugh it off but after thinking about it, it
did seem like a pretty perfect solution to all our problems. When we talked
about it again my friend promised that she just wants my husband for physical
sex and that she will not try to steal him from me. When I broached the idea
with my husband he said he didn't mind if I don't mind. He says he has never
particularly fancied my friend but that he agrees that it's a pretty good
idea.
Answer
Assuming that you can deal successfully with the
risk of an unwanted pregnancy, or the risk of one member of your impromptu trio
giving someone else an unwanted infection, the only problem you have remaining
is the fact that you won't know how you'll really feel about any of this until
after it has happened.
Your proposal may all
sound very fine in theory but do think about it very carefully. If this goes
ahead your husband is going to be tweaking your best friend's perky bits and
she's going to be nibbling on his family jewels. He's going to park his sports
car in her garage. Imagine it. Think about it before you give the final
go-ahead. And retain a right to veto further performances if you find the whole
thing too difficult to deal with once it starts.
Sex Show
Question
My boyfriend wants me to
take part in a threesome. For several weeks now he has been pestering me to get
my best friend to come to bed with us. I think she would probably be willing but
I'm not. I don't fancy watching my boyfriend make love to her and I have
absolutely no yearning to put on a sex show with her for my boyfriend's
entertainment. The trouble is that he simply won't take no for an answer and I'm
getting really fed up with him going on about it.
Answer
I
asked my friends Troilism and Cressida for their views on your problem. Troilism
is so stupid that she once told me that she thought that the movie African Queen
was about a black gay, and Cressida has been fondled by so many local men that a
local pillar once described her as having a `community chest'. However, they
both know which end of a spade to use to do the digging and I respect their
views on topics of the heart. Troilism instantly suggested that you tell your
boyfriend what to do, using just two words (the second being `off'). Cressida,
who has apparently been studying English at the local college, pointed out that
it is incorrect to end a sentence with a preposition but agreed, in general
terms, with Troilism's sentiments. I agree with them both. Buy the sleazeball
boyfriend a pair of trouser clips and tell him to get on his bike and pedal off
into the sunset.
Likes To Watch
Question
I met a woman in a
pub and went home with her. I had quite a shock when it turned out that she was
married and still living with her husband. Her hubby turned out to be a decent
bloke. He said I could have sex with his wife as long as he could sit and watch.
I was a bit embarrassed the first time but he never said anything and I soon got
used to it. Now I have sex with his wife twice a week. He sits quietly on a
chair in the corner of the bedroom and then fetches us beer and cigarettes
afterwards. Have you ever heard of anything like this happening to anyone
else?
Answer
Maybe her husband is impotent. Maybe he is gay.
Maybe his wife needs more sex than he can offer her and he stays in the room
just to make sure that she doesn't get hurt. Or maybe he just enjoys watching
his wife have sex with another man. (This is far commoner than you might
imagine.)
As long as you are all getting
something out of this, and are all satisfied with the unwritten rules, there is
no reason for you to stop. I assume that you take whatever precautions may be
suitable to make sure that the woman doesn't get pregnant and that no infectious
diseases are spread either way.
Wife Watchers
Question
It is commoner than
you'd imagine for husbands to watch their wives make love with another man. Such
husbands are known as `wife watchers'. I am one. Your explanations for this
behaviour are accurate but in many cases the lover is physically different to
the husband. I know two Indian husbands who enjoy watching their young Indian
wives going with white men. I know one very skinny husband whose wife's lovers
are muscular, body builders. One petite wife has a lover who is over a foot
taller than her husband. Wife watching is extremely popular
today.
Answer
I know from my mailbag that you are absolutely
right: `wife watching' is now almost certainly the world's most popular indoor
sport. And yet curiously I have never received one letter from a woman who
indulges in `husband watching'. It seems that while millions of men enjoy
sharing their wives with male strangers few, if any, women enjoy watching their
husbands make love to other women.
Aftershave And Booze
Question
My girlfriend
is very passionate and extremely adventurous in bed. Ever since I have been
going out with her she has always liked to tie me up when we have sex. However,
just recently she has taken to leaving me tied up for hours while she goes out
with her friends. On one occasion she left me tied up all night. She always
smells of aftershave and booze when she eventually gets back. Is there something
going on here or am I just being paranoid?
Answer
I don't think
you need to worry too much about paranoia. My guess is that if you regard
fidelity as a requirement in a relationship then you may need to start looking
for a new girlfriend.
Many Lovers
Question
I recently had quite a
shock when my fiancee (who is 42 and French) confessed to me that she’d had 40
lovers before me. I knew she wasn't a virgin, of course (she has been married
twice) but when I asked her how many lovers she’d had I thought the answer would
be perhaps a dozen or so. To be frank I thought I had put it about a bit but on
adding up I find that I've had less than half the number of lovers she's had. Do
you think I should be worried about her admitted
promiscuity?
Answer
Why on earth should you be worried?
Extensive research, conducted at enormous cost, has shown that it is quite
normal for women to have had several dozen lovers by the time they reach their
middle years. French women are particularly likely to be well experienced in
sexual matters. One expert recently told me that the average French woman over
the age of 25 can be expected to have had the same number of lovers as her age.
Your fiancee is, therefore, slightly below par at the moment. Assuming that the
risk of infection has been entirely eliminated you need have no concern
whatsoever about the number of lovers your fiancee has had in the past. Your
concern should be devoted exclusively to the number of lovers she has in the
future.
Dirty Movies
Question
When my mate Bill
came round to my place with a new camcorder my girlfriend asked him if he was
going to start making dirty movies. He laughed but it seemed she wasn't joking.
She asked him to film the two of us making love. I was a bit shocked and not at
all keen but when Bill told her to get her things off if she really meant it my
girl stripped and then unfastened my trousers. We ended up making love on the
sofa while Bill filmed us. When I'd finished she was still randy and she came on
strong to Bill. I ended up filming him making love to her. Bill has made copies
of the film we made and has shown it to quite a few people. I'm worried. Did we
do anything illegal?
Answer
Almost certainly. Governments are
introducing new laws so rapidly that it is impossible to keep up with them.
(Although, of course, if you happen to be a large, very rich international
corporation intent on ripping off the ordinary punter you can do pretty much
what you like.)
Putting aside the questions
of legality, infection and pregnancy (none of which are considerations to be
treated lightly) there are other aspects of your relationship which may bear
some thought. You say that you were shocked and not at all keen when all this
started. Are you truly happy about what eventually happened? Are you happy about
sharing your girlfriend? Has this happened before? Will it happen again?
You and your girlfriend need to talk these
things through and make a joint decision about whether or not this sort of
activity is going to become a regular part of your relationship.
Three's Not A Crowd
Question
I'd
desperately love my wife to have sex with another bloke while I watch and take
photographs. I've told her about my fantasy but she just laughs and calls me a
pervert. I have shown nude photographs of her to quite a few friends and
strangers and I recently took the bathroom curtains down so that when she has a
shower men in the street outside can see her walking about naked. I sometimes go
and stand in the street with the dog walkers and other passers-by. I am thinking
of getting her drunk and paying for a male escort to screw her while I watch. Am
I alone in wanting to watch my wife having sex with other
men?
Answer
Your fantasy is by no means unusual. But the
methods you have employed while endeavouring to explore this portion of your
sexual self are reprehensible, exploitative and inexcusable.
If you want to turn this particular fantasy
into reality then you should only do so with your wife's full knowledge and
support. Meanwhile, say 69 hail Marys, fill your shoes with dried peas for a
week and buy your wife a large and expensive bunch of flowers.
2.
Good Neighbours
Dying For Love
Question
I am 22-years-old,
slightly overweight and very plain looking. However, the old man living next
door to me thinks rather differently about my appearance. He is always
complimenting me on the way I look. When I am hanging out the washing on the
line for my mum I can see him ogling me from his kitchen. He is the first and
only man to make me feel really sexy.
I have
recently started wearing a short skirt when I am hanging the washing out just to
make him desire me more. I fantasise about going to bed with him and if he asked
me I would do it like a shot. My only fear is that he might have a heart attack
while we are having sex. He is in his late sixties and I have heard that he
suffers from angina. What are the risks?
Answer
There are risks
but they are, I suspect, risks that your neighbour will probably be prepared to
take. Next wash day pop round to borrow a couple of clothes pegs and give him a
flash of thigh and cleavage. My guess is that your wish will then come true. Be
gentle with him and do as much of the work as you can. Maybe your mutual lust
will one day metamorphose into love. Calm your fears with the knowledge that
although it is remarkably common for men to have heart attacks and die in
circumstances like this I have never known one of them to complain afterwards.
Neighbourhood Watch
Question
We recently
moved to a new home on an estate. The neighbours are very nosy. When we moved in
they all stood around staring as our belongings were carried into the house. Now
that we are in the house they are constantly quizzing the children to find out
everything they can about us. What can we do about
it?
Answer
Put up a large noticeboard outside your house. Pin
to it a summary of everything anyone could possibly want to know about you.
Something like this should get the message across: `Thank you for taking an
interest in our family. My name is Mabel and my husband's name is Jack. I am a
former stripper and now work in a topless massage parlour. My husband is a
pickpocket, though he has not yet been caught by the police. Three of our six
children are mine - though they all have different fathers. The other three are
my husband's by his previous two wives. Our average annual income is £24,000. We
have an 80% mortgage and we will be in real trouble if interest rates go above
9%. Our favourite TV programme is Emmerdale Farm. We have sex every week on
Wednesday evenings and sometimes on Sunday mornings. My husband likes to do it
in the doggy position. To reach orgasm I use a black vibrator that takes 2 x AA
batteries.'
A Likely Story
Question
I came home early a
week ago and found my husband on the living room couch with my best friend who
lives next door. My husband was in his underpants and my friend was wearing just
her bra and panties. When I entered the room my friend picked up her clothes and
ran out. My husband blushed bright red and said that they had taken off their
clothes because it was so hot. I don't know whether or not to believe him. It
sounds very unlikely to me but he's never lied to me before. I love him very
much and don't want to lose him. If there was something going on I think it was
probably my friend's fault. I like her but she is a bit of a
floozy.
Answer
Your husband isn't one of the Grimm Brothers is
he? This sounds to me very much like a fairy tale. No man I know would try to
keep cool by sitting on a couch with a floozy wearing undies. (Incidentally, how
do you know he's never lied to you before?) Give your husband a hug, hold his
tenderest bits in your hand and in your sexiest whisper tell him exactly what
you'll do to the bits you're holding if you find him helping any other floozies
to keep cool. Oh, and the Welsh Princess wisely suggests that you should ban the
floozy from your home. She's no friend.
A Couple Of Swingers
Question
Just under a
year ago my husband discovered that wife swapping is very popular at the golf
club where we are both members. At first we were both shocked and surprised. But
gradually it became clear that my husband was fascinated by his discovery - and
keen to find out more. My initial disapproval was slowly replaced by curiosity.
Our sex life was lively when we first met but it has been pretty moribund for
several years and I'm not ready to settle for memories just yet. A few discreet
enquiries led to our being invited to a party at the home of another member. The
end result was that I had a fantastic time while my husband was impotent (for
only the second time in his life) and couldn't do anything with anyone. Now my
husband won't sleep with me. He openly calls me a tart and a slag. Things aren't
made easier by the fact that I'd very much like to go
again.
Answer
Your experience is by no means unusual. Men are
often the ones who are keen on swapping wives before they've done it. But
afterwards, when they've been swapped, the wives become keen and the husbands
often lose some of their enthusiasm.
Your
husband is being unreasonable. Remind him that it was all his idea. You're going
to have to face the fact that if you are going to repair your marriage then your
future swinging is going to be confined to things you do with a bunch of sticks
down at the golf club.
Friendly Neighbours
Question
My wife and I
recently moved onto a rather upmarket housing estate. During our first week
there my wife was told by a neighbour that there was a very active local social
scene and that if we wanted to join in we would be very welcome. The neighbour
wasn't talking about coffee mornings and dinner parties but about orgies and
wife swapping. Now we're very involved and go out three or four times a week.
The advantage of it all being local is that no one has to drive and so we can
all drink as much as we want. In fact this is the problem. I'm now worried that
I'm drinking too much. I drink between six and eight bottles of wine a week -
plus ten or fifteen pints of beer. Is that too much? I'm worried that if I
continue to drink excessively my sexual prowess might be
affected.
Answer
If you keep on at the present rate your sex
life won't be the only thing to suffer. You're heading for trouble and you'll
never find it easier to cut down than you will now.
Perhaps you ought to ask yourself why you are
drinking so much. Are you, perhaps, drinking because you aren't entirely happy
with your new social arrangements? If you have fears, apprehensions or anxieties
which you aren't confronting then this would be a good time for you to face them
and share them with your wife.
3. Nurses and Doctors
Black Stockings
Question
I was horrified to
read recently that some hospitals have banned nurses from wearing black
stockings. A stuffy nursing spokesman allegedly claimed that patients should
worry more about the quality of the nursing care than about what nurses are
wearing.
Answer
I too was shocked when I heard this tragic
story. Recovery and survival rates on male wards will slump if this nonsense
becomes widespread. Nurses who still wear black stockings deserve all our
support. They're clearly not getting enough support from the authorities. Are
the authorities really going to suspend nurses who break this silly rule?
Unreliable research has shown conclusively that 74% of men get better when
nursed by women wearing black stockings rather than by women wearing horrid
brown, baggy tights.
Dirty Doctor
Question
I am a 22-year-old
girl. My doctor makes me strip to my undies every time I visit his surgery. Even
when I visit with a sore throat he makes me take my clothes off. He doesn't make
my mother or my brother take their clothes off when they visit him with similar
problems. I am fairly healthy and have no long-term health problems which would
explain this.
Answer
The explanation, I fear, is simple: you
look much better in your underwear than your mother and brother do in theirs. If
you allow this to continue it won't be long before your doctor gets you to sit
on his lap and wriggle about while he stuffs £5 notes into your knickers and
bra. Next time you are invited to `pop behind the screen and slip your things
off' I suggest you ask him why. Finding a new doctor sounds as if it would be a
favourable option.
Hair Today - Gone Tomorrow
Question
When I
had a vasectomy three years ago a nurse told me to shave my balls. I am still
shaving my balls. Should I still do this?
Answer
I think you
can safely regard the operative procedure as over now. You can safely stop
shaving your balls. Unless you find the experience pleasant and consider the
consequences attractive, in which case the whole business comes under the
heading `exterior design' rather than `medicine and health'.
Carry On Nursing
Question
I work as a nurse
in a geriatric hospital. A month or so ago, one of the patients put his hand up
my skirt while I was making his bed. I shouted at him but felt bad about it
afterwards. He is in his late 80s and dying. The following day I quietly put his
hand on my leg, just above the knee, and smiled at him. He hesitated for a
moment and then slid his hand up onto my thigh. He winked and gave me the most
beautiful smile. Nothing else happened. Unfortunately, one of the other nurses
reported me. I have been given an official warning and moved onto a women's
ward.
Answer
You probably did that old man far more good than
a wheelbarrow full of pills. When I worked as a hospital doctor I remember one
old man, well into his 90s, who had tubes fitted into just about every orifice
and who was clinging to life by his fingernails. He could not speak and could
hardly move but whenever a pretty nurse came within reach he would try to touch
her. Most of the nurses were happy to put up with this. The only one who
protested was built like a shot-putter, had legs like bollards and a thick
moustache on her upper lip. She was a dull clock watcher with no compassion and
the patients all hated her. The old man never tried to touch her but she
complained anyway. She wanted to have her colleagues defrocked. I'm delighted to
say that we ignored her ridiculous protest.
It is sad that times have changed. Take heart from the knowledge that you did
the right thing.
Stockings And Suspenders
Question
Is it
true that you once said that nurses working on hospital wards should do their
bit to bring smiles to pale faces by wearing short skirts, stockings and
suspender belts?
Answer
Yes, I am delighted to say that it is
true. I seem to remember that when I first said this, several thousand outraged
and humourless nurses (presumably not wearing short skirts, stockings or
suspender belts) marched to Kidderminster to protest. They intended to march to
Westminster but they weren't very bright.
4. Flashers and
Peepers
Big Brother's Watching
Question
My
boyfriend and I want to make love with people watching. We tried `dogging' in a
car park but even though we weren't hurting anyone else we were threatened with
arrest by a pair of very aggressive policemen. However, it gave us both a real
kick to know that we were being watched. Now we've bought a Web camera and we
want to set up a website. We plan to have sex every night live on camera. Is
this illegal?
Answer
We have daft laws. We allow people to box
each other in public but we don't allow people to make love in public. The law
allows a promoter to put on an event in which two men will pummel each other
until one collapses - and possibly even dies. But the law doesn't allow two
people to make love in public. Civilised? Pfui.
If you have live sex on the Web you will
undoubtedly be breaking a law somewhere. (Remember that the Web is worldwide and
that everything published on it is subject to hundreds of different laws.) Of
course if you can arrange it so that no one knows who or where you are it will
be tricky for the idiots in blue to burst through your door with machine guns
and economy sized tins of riot gas.
Street Walker
Question
I am a 35-year-old
divorced woman. I live alone and don't have a boyfriend. I have a very
responsible job which means that I have to dress in a very formal sort of way.
I have recently started going out in the
evening for long walks in the built-up area where I live. I put on lots of
make-up and wear my highest heels (even though they hurt my feet). Underneath my
coat I wear nothing but my flimsiest underwear. Sometimes I leave off my
panties. Towards the end of my walk I usually unbutton my coat and just hold it
together with my hands. Sometimes I pop into a pub or a shop. Last week a gust
of wind caught me by surprise and a group of men standing outside a pub got
quite an eyeful. I get a real kick out of this but I know that what I am doing
is very risky.
Answer
If you carry on doing what you are doing
you could end up being attacked. Lots of women get a kick out of exposing
themselves (usually to strangers) but it is important to do this under
relatively controlled circumstances. Look around and you should be able to find
a club which welcomes exhibitionists but keeps out the vicious and the
dangerous. And try to find a friend to go with you.
Loneliness is undoubtedly much of your
problem. You need to meet someone with whom you can share your life. But to do
that you have to make an effort. Join clubs or enrol with a respectable and
responsible dating service (and, to protect yourself, make sure that you follow
their rules when meeting new people).
Naked Ambition
Question
I love posing nude. My
husband is a keen photographer and every weekend he takes a roll of film of me
naked. Most of the time he shoots in our home but sometimes we do it in a hotel
or out of doors. (We had one amazing session in our local High Street at 7.00
a.m. one Sunday morning. I posed starkers outside the Post Office and every big
store.) He now wants to sell some of the photographs he has taken to a men's
magazine. I'm perfectly happy about this. To be honest I'm turned on by the idea
of complete strangers seeing my naked body. But do you know how we set about
doing this? Also I would like to do some nude modelling.
Answer
Get your husband to put on his oldest, dirtiest
raincoat and to pop into a local newsagents (or, if he's nervous about being
recognised into a not so local newsagents). He should then buy all the magazines
on the top shelf (as long as they are filled with pictures of naked women rather
than articles about fishing, trainspotting or ways to build your own nuclear
power plant). The ever delectable, statuesque and slightly wobbly Field Marshall
Eva Legova (78-22-44 this week), who has just been appointed a senior Strategic
Adviser to NATO (Milton Keynes division), tells me that many such magazines
welcome photographs taken by readers - and include details of where to send
pictures and what the magazine will pay. Before sending photos off to a magazine
make sure that you're happy about the world seeing pictures of you naked. The
chances of your neighbours seeing (and admitting they've seen) pictures of you
starkers may be slim but it is a real risk. And there is always one co-worker or
neighbour who will, having spotted you, want to share the secret with everyone
else.
To pose nude for other photographers or
artists I suggest you get in touch with local camera clubs, art clubs or
colleges offering art courses. There is always a demand for nude models. You may
have to put up with goose pimples (studios aren't always as well heated as they
might be) but you will be able to satisfy your exhibitionistic tendencies.
Overlooked
Question
I am a single,
37-year-old woman. I live in a small house which is overlooked by a large block
of flats. Every evening when I undress I do so without closing the curtains. At
least half a dozen men who have flats overlooking my window watch me - a couple
of them use telescopes or cameras. I always undress at exactly the same time -
and I sometimes wander about in my undies or naked - for half an hour or so. I
get a real thrill from knowing that men are watching me. I know that what I am
doing could be dangerous but I can't stop myself. Have you ever heard of other
women doing this? Can you suggest any other ways I could have similar
fun?
Answer>
A surprising number of women get a kick out of
exhibitionism and what you are doing is certainly not unusual. (Curiously, the
men who watch you could all be arrested as peeping Toms). If you yearn for fresh
adventures why not consider turning your hobby into a business? It might be
safer. Posing nude for men’s magazines and stripping at clubs or private parties
are just some of the most obvious career opportunities you might like to
consider.
Front Page News
Question
Is it illegal to
pose nude for photographs out of doors? My boyfriend loves taking nude pictures
of me and I love modelling. We want to spread our wings a bit but we don't want
to find ourselves featuring on the front page of the local
paper.
Answer
You will get into trouble only if you get caught
(though I should wait until the weather is a little warmer if I were you).
Minimise the risk by finding a quiet rural spot for your modelling. The police
are much more likely to come banging on your door if you have been stripping off
in your local supermarket car park than they are if you have been posing in a
quiet woodland grove. A recent utterly unreliable survey conducted by two
bellringers and a team of Scandinavian trichologists showed that six out of ten
women have posed nude out of doors, nine out of ten would like to and the rest
can't undo their corsets without help from the district nurse.
Preserved In Aspic
Question
Sixteen years ago
a man `flashed' at me in a local park. I was in my early 20s at the time. He
served a short sentence but is now free to roam around. I moved away and have
never seen him again but every day I wake up hoping that I will see him. I carry
a knife with me at all times. If I see him again I will chop off his
thing.
Answer
Flashers are pathetic, sad, desperate creatures,
driven by some very strange demons. The man who offended you has been punished
and must now pay a heavy price for his crime for the rest of his life. What more
do you want? His head on a stake? His body swinging on a gibbet? His errant
member preserved in aspic on your mantlepiece? Your hysterical, over reaction
won't help him and it certainly won't help you. You are currently more of a
menace to society than he is. Get yourself measured for a straight jacket until
you've learned to forget this fairly trivial incident.
Return To Sender
Question
I have started
walking around the house in my undies and stockings for the thrill of being seen
through the windows by passers-by. Our road is deserted during the day so I send
myself letters and parcels so that I can open the door to the postman in my
undies or with just a little towel in front of me as though I've just got out of
the shower. It's exciting for me though the postie, who is in his 50s, doesn't
seem that interested.
Answer
I hope the Human Resources staff
at the Post Office read this. If they don't they may find it difficult to
understand why they suddenly receive such a flood of applications from
enthusiastic would-be postmen.
Stripping off
in public is becoming increasingly common. It seems that everyone is doing it
these days. I'm told that there are even mature WI ladies who are not averse to
taking time off from jam making to rip off their camisoles and bare their
essentials.
Have you thought of visiting a
nudist resort? That might prove more satisfactory. Or you could visit a fetish
club where nudity (or partial nudity) is welcomed. Alternatively, you could turn
your new hobby into a money-spinner by getting yourself a job as a stripper or
nude model.
Getting The Sack
Question
A year or so ago my
husband sent nude photographs of me to a men’s magazine. This was done with my
permission. I enjoyed posing for the pictures and I thought they looked good. As
a result I was invited to pose nude for a professional photographer and to do
some shots for a website. Now someone I work for has found out about the
photographs and has threatened to tell my boss unless I have sex with him. None
of the photographs was of me doing anything illegal but I suspect that my boss
may sack me if he finds out. I have quite a responsible job in a large, well
known company.
Answer
You have done nothing illegal or
unethical and it is difficult to see how your boss could justify sacking you for
something you've done in your own time. If bosses started sacking staff whose
hobbies they didn't like all sorts of people would be for the chop. My list
would include people who voluntarily bare their souls on daytime television,
fishermen, hunters and men over 12 who are still Boy Scouts.
Nude Pictures
Question
My wife is going
away on a course for a month. She wants photographs of me in the nude to take
with her. I am very willing to pose for her (and have told her that I am happy
for her to show them to other women on her course) but is it legal for my wife
to take such photographs?
Answer
If you pose as an upright
citizen you could get into trouble and should, therefore, hold a small black
rectangle over the most pertinent part of your person. Ordinary `naturism' shots
shouldn't be a problem. To minimise risk use an instant camera that coughs out
pictures seconds after you've taken them so that you don't have to send your
film off to be developed.
Naughty Forty
Question
I'd love to strip in
a pub and am thinking of joining a strippergram agency. Do you think they would
take on a woman in her 40s who is beginning to put on a bit of weight? I've
mentioned the idea to a couple of a friends who both say my breasts are too
big.
Answer
Definitely. Most male audiences prefer to look at
naked women who have wobbly bits - rather than at naked women whose bones stick
out making them look like adverts for Oxfam. If you want to be a stripper it's
impossible to have breasts which are too big. If you feel sexy, you want to show
off your body and are prepared to practise a bit the chances are good that
you'll be a huge hit. Ignore the knockers - no one else will.
So Unfair
Question
Why are women so unfair?
I recently complimented a girl in a pub on her legs (she was sitting on a
barstool and her skirt was so short that I could see her panties). The
compliment was genuinely felt and politely delivered but she called me a sexist
pig and asked the landlord to throw me out.
Answer
I
sympathise with your dilemma. Some women, particularly younger and less
experienced ones, do seem to find it difficult to decide how to handle their own
sex appeal or deal with the attention that excessive advertising may attract. I
was waiting in an airport lounge recently when an extremely well-upholstered
young woman (40DD was my professional opinion) walked by wearing a very tight,
white T-shirt (and no bra). She was swinging her behind as she walked and her
breasts bobbed and bounced hypnotically. Her nipples were so large and firm that
they were threatening to poke holes in the thin material. The whole outfit
screamed `Look at my beautiful big breasts. Aren't they amazing?'. But when an
innocent young male observer offered a rather modest and well meant wolf whistle
she quite unreasonably screamed abuse at him and threatened to call a policeman.
Caught On Camera
Question
My girlfriend and
I like having sex in front of security cameras. She really gets quite a kick out
of knowing that our every move is being watched. Do you know if this is legal?
Are we likely to get into trouble?
Answer
You are almost
certainly breaking a few dozen laws. Making love in private (let alone in
public) is bound to be something of which our miserable, jack booted rulers
disapprove. So be prepared to find yourself hauled in front of a
tight-sphinctered magistrate and subjected to a dull lecture about lewd
behaviour. You should also be prepared to watch yourself on one of those awful
television programmes which use compromising footage taken from security
cameras.
Sorry Ever After
Question
I went to a
wedding and met a guy I'd never seen before. He was gorgeous. We danced and
flirted and then I lost him for a while. When I found him again he was sitting
chatting to one of the bridesmaids. I sat on his lap and kissed him and when I
felt that he had an erection I reached under me and unfastened his trousers.
Somehow he managed to get inside me and we made love right there in the middle
of the reception. There must have been at least 60 people in the room. I had the
most amazing orgasm. I didn't think anyone had noticed but when I stood up 20 or
30 people cheered. A friend told me that the bridesmaid had stormed off half way
through. Afterwards I found out that she had been engaged to the man I'd made
love to. Do you think I should apologise to her?
Answer
I don't
think a funny card with `Sorry' on it is going to make this one better I'm
afraid. If you have hopes of making this particular bridesmaid a bosom pal you
should put them on hold for 30 or 40 years. I think that this is one of those
occasions when keeping your head down is a good move. (Actually, I think I could
have probably worded that a little better but what the hell.)
5.
Happy Families
Faulty Equipment
Question
My husband is
impotent and once a month he brings me a man home from the pub. It is always a
different man. We do it in the spare bedroom while my husband stays downstairs
and watches TV. The men never stay the night. We have done this for two years.
My husband does this because he says he would rather I have sex with strangers
than that I have an affair which might lead to romance, love and a break up of
our marriage. I do not find once a month satisfying and last week I asked my
husband if we could change the arrangement to a fortnightly one. He thought
about it and said we could on condition that I allow him to watch. Do you think
this is normal?
Answer
Nothing about your marriage could be
described as `normal'. If your husband is generous enough to find you lovers
then the least you can do is to allow him to see what you're getting for his
money.
Incidentally, has it never occurred to
either you or your husband that it is perfectly possible for a man with a little
imagination to satisfy his wife even if he cannot get an erection? (I am
assuming that your husband's doctor insists that there is nothing that can be
done to restore your husband's equipment to working order.)
Menage a trois
Question
My husband's friend
came to stay when he got divorced four months ago. At first I just felt sorry
for him but gradually I found myself getting to like him more and more. He is a
very attentive man and he always compliments me on my cooking and on the way I
keep the house. Although he realised that his friend and I were getting close my
husband started going out and leaving us alone. Eventually, the inevitable
happened and we ended up in bed.
My husband
came back while we were still in bed together and to my surprise he didn't seem
to mind at all.
We now have what I believe
the French call a menage a trois. I sleep alternate nights with my husband and
his friend. Sometimes, usually on Saturdays, all three of us share a bed.
Answer
Europhiles will applaud the fact that you have adopted
the continental way of life. Your threesome wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea
but then stamp collecting, cross stitch and train spotting aren't everyone's cup
of tea either. If you are all happy with your arrangement, and you take the
necessary precautions to prevent the spread of infection or the development of
an unwanted pregnancy, there seems no need why your arrangement should not
continue indefinitely.
Can't Carry On
Question
How often should a
married couple make love? My wife wants to do it every morning and every evening
and I am not sure how much longer I can carry on doing this. I am exhausted.
Answer
According to the official figures, your wife needs
another 14 husbands to satisfy her requirements unless you are a Member of
Parliament in which case she needs another 15 husbands. You and your wife need
to talk since if you go on at this rate there is a considerable risk that you
will disappear completely. You need to experiment a little. There are other ways
to satisfy your wife's massive needs without wearing yourself out completely. As
the world's first agony uncle, Confucius, once said: `A pencil will last a long
time if used cautiously and sparingly. But sharpen it too often and you will
wish you had thought more and written less.'
Horrified Wife
Question
For nearly a year now
my husband has stayed up much later than me. I go to bed, read for ten minutes
and fall asleep. He stays downstairs and watches TV. The other night I couldn't
sleep so I got up and went downstairs to see what he was watching. I was
horrified when I found he was sitting on the sofa watching soft porn. We had a
huge row about it. He says it was none of my business. But I think he is a
pervert. I won't leave him alone with our children now, though I must admit that
there were no children involved in the porn he was
watching.
Answer
You are overreacting. If every man who watches
nude video frolics is a pervert then the perverts are probably in the majority.
You are being absurdly censorious in refusing to leave your husband alone with
your children solely because of this. As far as I am aware there is no more of a
link between soft porn and paedophilia than there is between illegal parking and
philately.
A much healthier response would
have been for you to ask your husband if you could join him on the sofa. From
what you say in your letter I rather suspect that your sex life hasn't exactly
been keeping the chandeliers swinging for the last few months. Unless you
unbutton a little and let your hair (and your knickers) down your marriage may
not have much of a future.
Once A Week
Question
How often do people
really have sex? My husband and I have been married for six months and we do it
at most once a week. It rarely lasts for more than seven or eight minutes at a
time. Are we normal?
Answer
Yes. You are getting as much as
most people are. However, most men and some women lie about the amount of time
they spend making love - and say that they do it more often than this. The Welsh
Princess suggests that if the Government introduced a tax on sex (say, £5 for
every orgasm) most men would happily pay far more than they owed, rather than
admit their shortcomings.
A French Affair
Question
On a recent trip
to Paris I got drunk, fell and broke my leg. While in hospital there I fell in
love with a French nurse. She doesn't speak English and I don't speak French. Do
you think there is any chance that we could make a go of a relationship?
Answer
It sounds as though you did quite a lot of falling
while you were in France. Two falls do usually lead to a submission. (I have to
tell you that it took a great deal of willpower not to succumb to temptation and
describe you as having been plastered in Paris. Actually you were plastered
there twice, of course.) Since most happily married couples rarely, if ever, say
anything nice to one another there is every chance that your relationship will
be blessed indeed. She won't be able to nag. You won't have to lie. Marry this
woman now and look forward to a life of bliss.
High Sex Drive
Question
My wife and I used
to have a good sex life but some years ago she went off sex and is now not
interested in love making at all. I want to stay married to her but I'm only in
my 40s, I have a high sex drive and I need to make love to someone. My wife
won't speak to the doctor (or anyone else) about this. But she has given me her
blessing and told me to find a mistress. I don't want to pay for it - I'm too
romantic for that. Where can I find someone?
Answer
Try again
to persuade your wife to visit her doctor. If, for example, she has gone off sex
because she finds it painful then he may be able to help her. If you take a
mistress it will undoubtedly put a great strain on your marriage. It will,
indeed, change your relationship with your wife. Your yearning to find someone
with whom you can have a romantic relationship means that your marriage will be
under far more threat than if you were simply looking for a purely physical
relationship. Where can you find a mistress? Look around. Where did you find
your wife?
Keeping It In The Family
Question
I have a
steady girlfriend but for two years I've been having regular extra sex with a
girl who lives nearby. I usually go round to her house two or three times a
week. Last Friday I turned up unexpectedly and saw my Dad's car parked outside.
I waited and saw him leave. When I confronted her the girl admitted that she's
been seeing my Dad several times a week for eight months. We aren't the only
ones. I found out that she has been having it off with at least six other
blokes. I feel really shocked, knowing that I've been sharing a woman with my
Dad. And I feel gutted about my Dad cheating on my Mum. But it's difficult for
me to say anything because of me having been cheating on my girlfriend. What
should I do?
Answer
Tell your Dad you know his secret and tell
him why. Then he can feel gutted about you cheating on your girlfriend. What an
unutterably miserable pair you are. You aren't both Tory MPs are you? I suggest
that you trot along to your local sexually transmitted diseases clinic together.
Eva Legova, who is stricter about these things than you might imagine, says she
hopes you have both caught something which involves lots of needles and
embarrassment.
Total Gibberish
Question
Is it true that
all men want to make love to their mothers? I once glimpsed my mother naked and
I still feel guilty. I have certainly never wanted to make love to her. Is there
something wrong with me?
Answer
The Oedipus complex (which
assumes that all men want to kill their fathers and make love to their mothers)
was spread around by Freud and his dotty followers. It is, like most of Freud's
teachings, total gibberish and a result of Freud's own rather sick mind rather
than any understanding of real people. I doubt if one man in a million wants to
have sex with his mother (either consciously or subconsciously). There's nothing
wrong with you but there was a lot wrong with Freud. The silly old sod should
have been wrapped up in a straight-jacket - and so should psychiatrists and
psychologists who still believe anything he wrote.
A Marriage Made In Hell
Question
My
marriage is miserable. I met my wife when I was 18 and married her at 19. By the
time I was 26 we had three children. I'm now in my mid thirties and I can count
the number of times we have had sex since then on the fingers of one hand. She
says she finds sex dirty and repulsive. Nothing I ever do is right and she nags
me constantly. She seems to get a special pleasure out of telling me how
wonderful her friends' husbands are. She tells everyone that I'm useless at
everything and has even told relatives that we don't have sex any more because I
am too small to satisfy her and a useless lover. I feel that she is very unfair
because I do everything I can to make her and the children happy. I even stick
with a job I hate for their sake. The trouble is that as far as she is concerned
my best just isn't good enough. I would have left her years ago but I don't want
to initiate a messy divorce (which I am sure it would be) because I know it
would upset the children. I have asked my wife to come with me to a counsellor
but she refused.
Answer
You're crazy to stay with this
miserable old dishmop of a wife. Leave and start a new life and save your
sanity. Your children need a father not a rug. Chances are that they've long
since spotted that all is not rose petals in your home. If you really can't get
up and go (and if you do, by the way, there is always a chance that the old
dishmop might change her tune) then I suggest that you should at least put some
fun and sparkle into your life by finding yourself a mistress. Find yourself a
woman with a smile, a heart of gold and a soft bosom; someone who will love you,
cherish you, care for you and give you back your confidence as a lover. If you
choose this solution you don't need to feel guilty. Your harridan of a wife has
forfeited the right to loyalty, respect and faithfulness.
Unbelievably Mean
Question
My husband is
unbelievably mean. He makes me keep a full record of every penny I spend. I am
not careless with money but I resent having to waste a day or so every week
keeping household accounts to satisfy him that I am not wasting any of his money
(or spending it on things of which he does not approve). If I buy a new pair of
tights I have to keep the old ones to prove that they are laddered and cannot be
worn.
Answer
There are a lot of very mean people around. Norah
Nobrayne (of solicitors Allcock and Nobrayne), who is known to millions of her
clients as Public Enema Number One, once admitted to me that when she's been
shopping she always sits in her car until the ticket has expired.
But your husband gets this year's award for
tight fistedness. You should get a job of your own and tell the dull old fart to
do his own housekeeping and keep his own damned accounts. If your income needs a
boost, charge him for sex.
Strange Behaviour
Question
I lost my job
just after Christmas and we've been pretty broke since then. At the beginning of
April I got a job at last. The snag was that it involved working away from home
during the week. I didn't have much choice and took it. The trouble is that I
can only get home at the weekends. Last Friday when I got home my wife was
behaving very strangely. She didn't want to make love or even kiss me. She told
me she had a headache. On Saturday I found a suitcase full of male clothing
tucked away at the bottom of our wardrobe. I'd never seen the suitcase before
and none of the clothing was mine. Do you think my wife could be having an
affair? When I asked her about the clothing she blushed and said a friend had
asked her to take it to the Oxfam shop. I didn't go back to work this week but
telephoned and told them I was sick. My wife has been very edgy and has refused
to answer the telephone. Every time I've answered it the caller has rung
off.
Answer
Your wife has clearly found a little filler to keep
her mind and other bits occupied during the long evenings and nights when you
are away. I think you should ask her who's been keeping your side of the bed
warm and get to the bottom of this as quickly as you can. Meanwhile, to show
that you don't hold any grudges, do your wife a favour and take the mysterious
suitcase full of male clothing down to Oxfam.
Wearing The Trousers
Question
A lot of men
who write to you seem to be dominated by their women. I have no such problems.
My wife knows who wears the trousers in this house. I just wanted to say that.
But I must finish now. My wife is waving my pinafore. And I've got to iron her
pyjamas and my pinafore after I've done the washing up.
Answer
Lovely to hear from you. Now I too must fly. The Welsh
Princess wants me to put up a new ceiling, paint the car, wash the kettle and
mend a new shelf. I wouldn't mind but I have to do all this while wearing her
flouncy pink chiffon dress which doesn't fit me properly and just isn't my
colour.
All I Want For Christmas...
Question
My
husband always gives me sensible presents for Christmas. This year he's bought
me a bread maker and a new winter coat. I'm only 32 and although I'm a mother of
two I don't like to think of myself as entirely past it just yet. I wish he'd
buy me some seductive sexy undies but I know he won't - he worries too much
about seeming sexist. How can I tell him that I wouldn't mind?
Answer
Take him shopping, stop at the lingerie counter, point
to something with more lace than elastic and start drooling. If his blood is
still circulating a couple of nudges and a wink should do the trick. If he still
seems too shy and uptight buy yourself something suitably erotic, wrap it up and
give it to him in bed tomorrow night. Tell him it's a present for him but that
if it doesn't fit you'll wear it for him.
Predictable Husband
Question
My husband
never surprises me. His idea of being daring and outrageous is to put empty
brown glass bottles into the green bottle only hole at the bottle bank. He is so
predictable that I sometimes want to scream.
Answer
Pothole
manufacturer and kitchen appliance billionaire Sir Ramick Hobbs, (whose
autobiography would have been a bestseller if more people had bought it) once
told me that he regards predictability as a virtue and an asset in any
relationship. `Life contains too many surprises,' he told me. `Predictability
gives my life stability.'
If you want your
husband to break out and go wild occasionally why not take the lead? Whisk him
away for a weekend of love and romance in Wolverhampton. Bring home take-away
chips and a bottle of Vimto for a meal neither of you will forget. Greet him at
the front door wearing nothing but a skimpy face flannel and a sexy smile. A
little bit of role play won't come amiss if you're married to a rock. After all,
nothing goes better together than rock and role.
My Wife's A Slut
Question
My wife and I had
a threesome with a male friend of ours. From a physical point of view it went
well but I am now having problems in dealing with having seen her doing it with
another man. The whole thing was originally my idea and beforehand I didn't
think I would have any problems with it but I now think of my wife as a slut. I
think the worst thing is the fact that she so clearly enjoyed it
all.
Answer
It is always hard to predict what will happen when
you turn a fantasy into reality. Many men do get aroused when they imagine the
woman they love being with another man. And many men get aroused when they watch
it actually happen. It's commoner than most people think. But you clearly went
one step too far and you should have stuck to the fantasy. The important thing
is that it isn't fair to blame your wife. Tell her you love her too much to do
it again. And try to reassure yourself with the thought that she wasn't being
unfaithful in the traditional sense. You were there. You were part of the
action.
Philanderer
Question
My husband is a
philanderer.
Answer
Don't worry. Lots of men collect stamps.
The Dirty Dozen
Question
Before we were
married my wife had quite a few boyfriends and has admitted to having gone to
bed with around a dozen of them. I can't get this out of mind. Nor can I stop
worrying about whether any of her boyfriends were bigger than me, if you know
what I mean?
Answer
If you allow yourself to become obsessed
with the past (or the future) you will have no time for the present. And without
the present the past doesn't matter and there is no future. Your wife now shares
your bed. The identity and shape of her previous hot water bottles is
insignificant. And were you a virgin when you married?
Heartbroken
Question
Six months ago my
boyfriend finished with me. We had been together for four years. I was
heartbroken. I was starting to get over it until he called, three weeks ago,
after a night out with his pals. He wanted sex. I know it was stupid of me but I
gave in, hoping that he might come back to me. He has called round twice since
then and I have slept with him each time. Do you think that if I carry on he
might fall in love with me again?
Answer
No. You are selling
yourself - and your body - for a ray of hope. But the ray of hope is a mirage
and you're being well and truly screwed. Next time your former boyfriend calls I
suggest that you give him the phone number of a local hooker.
Not Interested
Question
My husband and I
haven't made love for four months. We both have responsible jobs and we are just
too tired when we get home from work. The problem now is that it has been so
long since we had sex that I am not sure how we can get back into the habit -
and start thinking of each other as lovers again. Once or twice I have reached
out to my husband in bed but he has just kissed me and fallen asleep. What do I
do?
Answer
Ask him if he still finds you attractive - and if
he ever wants to make love to you again. If he says `no' then you have got a
problem. You will have to dedicate yourself to tapestry and good causes, buy a
vibrator, find a bit on the side or get a divorce. If he says `yes' then you
need to plan a second honeymoon so that you can both rediscover the joys of good
loving. Book a weekend (or a week) away in some romantic spot. Park the kids and
pets somewhere and leave work behind. You will soon find that love making has
one thing in common with bicycle riding – it’s a skill you don't forget.
Pain In The Butt
Question
My mother-in-law
is a real pain in the butt. She constantly nags my wife and never gives me a
moment of peace.
Answer
I suggest you tell your mother-in-law
that when she finally snuffs it you intend to stuff her and keep her by the
front door as a combination doormat and draught excluder. (You may also use her
inert form to scare away insurance salesmen and Jehovas' Witnesses.)
Caveman
Question
My husband is older than
me and very possessive. Although he often goes out with the lads he hates me
going out with my girlfriends. Last week my girlfriends and I went to a pub and
nightclub. I had already had a row with my husband who objected to my wearing a
short skirt. (He tried to put me off by saying that my legs looked too fat.)
When we left the pub my husband was waiting outside. He wanted me to go home
with him. We argued and then he grabbed me, threw me across his shoulder and
carried me off to where he had parked the car. My friends thought it was
hilarious but I was very embarrassed. We have hardly spoken since then. I feel
that he was out of order. I think walking off with me thrown over his back like
a sack of potatoes made him feel big. He has tried to apologise but how do I
know he won't do the same thing again? Should I leave him or do you think we
could come to some sort of compromise?
Answer
The only
compromise I can think of is that he starts behaving like a civilised human
being and you agree to stay with him.
He was
well out of order when he turned into a caveman and publicly humiliated
you.
I suggest you ask him to take you to your
next girls' night out - and, if you wish, to pick you up afterwards.
This would give him the opportunity to grovel
to your friends and to bend over and allow you to give him a good (public) boot
up the backside.
The good news is that there
is a chance that his boorish behaviour was inspired by a mixture of love,
insecurity and a genuine concern for your well being. Perhaps you could give him
some reassurance and (if appropriate) explain to him that you have no intention
of finding another lover and that you and your friends stick together and look
after one another.
Two Band Members
Question
My fiance
recently found out that I once slept with two members of a band who visited the
town where I live. I had gone round to the stage door to get autographs when the
guitarist asked my friend and I if we wanted to have a drink with him and the
drummer. My friend chickened out at the last minute and I ended up going to bed
with both of them. My fiance found a photo they had given me. The inscription
pretty much gave the game away. I went bright red and I've never been a good
liar. I'm not proud of what I did but it was 12 years ago and I've never done
anything like it since then.
Answer
Do you remember that bit
in the bible about him who is without sin throwing the first stone? If your
fiance has nothing in his past which he would rather forget then he is probably
far too boring to consider as a lifetime partner. I myself once used a conker
which had been pickled in vinegar, even though I knew that such practices were
frowned upon and regarded as uncomfortably close to subterfuge. There was a
sticky moment when I confessed this frailty to the Welsh Princess but I think I
can safely say that the incident has had no lasting bad effects on our
relationship. If your fiance loves you he will soon banish the memory of your
youthful indiscretion to a dusty drawer in some unused part of his memory bank.
6. Happy Dressers
Space Travel
Question
My daughter has
married a man whom we have found out is a transvestite. My husband and I want
her to divorce him but she won't. How can we persuade her to leave him and make
a new start with a proper man?
Answer
Your repressions are
showing through your prejudices. I suggest you keep your interfering fingers out
of your daughter's life. Since you clearly do not have enough excitement in your
life I suggest that you take up space travel. Offer yourself to the Americans
next time they're planning a one way trip to Mars.
Harmless Peccadillo
Question
Three months
ago I was standing in the bathroom complaining that my underwear seemed to have
stretched when my husband suddenly told me that he had been secretly wearing my
bras and panties. In order to stop him stretching my things I went shopping and
bought him lingerie to fit him. Since then I've done this regularly for him. It
has never bothered me and he is a good lover and husband. I don't know why so
many women get uptight about what seems to me to be a rather odd but pretty
harmless peccadillo. I'm just grateful he doesn't do something really stupid
like shoot clay pigeons or play golf.
Answer
Massive numbers of
men hurry off to work wearing lacy underwear beneath their dark suits, uniforms
and sports jackets and flannels. Next time you watch a pompous politician or a
self-important celebrity on TV ask yourself whether he could be one of the 10%
who regularly wear flimsy, feminine underwear. You could make this into an
entertaining family game.
Bigoted Biddy
Question
I have just
discovered that my husband wears female clothing occasionally. I have, of
course, left him. I blame you for helping to turn him into a
pervert.
Answer
Ninety nine per cent of women crossdress. More
men should. A man who has had a hard day at the office will feel better if, when
he gets home, he can stop worrying about how many bits of government legislation
he has broken and worry instead about whether or not his seams are straight.
Maybe your husband is a pervert. But that's a
darned sight better than being a prejudiced, bigoted old biddy.
Golfers
Question
What's the difference
between a transvestite and a transsexual?
Answer
Transsexuals
are like golfers. They lose their balls. Transvestites keep theirs.
Frilly Panties
Question
I am male and love
wearing frilly panties. Where can I get them from?
Answer
Catch
the number 69 bus into town. Get off at the stop after the Post Office. Walk 100
yards down towards the church and then take the first left and the second right.
Go past Woolworths and you'll find a lingerie shop in between Mothercare and
Halfords.
Mixed-up
Question
I very much want to go to
bed with my new boyfriend. But he is a transvestite and he won't sleep with me.
He dresses as a woman almost all the time when he isn't at work. I think he
would sleep with me while he was dressed as a woman, effectively turning me into
a sort of lesbian I suppose. I am prepared to do this if he would sleep with me.
Should I tell him? Do you think our relationship has any
future?
Answer
I fear that your new boyfriend is very mixed up
about his sexuality. Most transvestites are heterosexual and would leap at the
chance of horizontal gymnastics - regardless of who wore the suspender belt. It
sounds to me as if your new boyfriend needs to get his knickers untwisted before
either of you can decide whether or not your relationship has a real, long-term
future.
Daytime Television
Question
I got home
early the other day and found my boyfriend sitting watching the television
wearing my bra and panties.
Answer
I am not surprised that you
were concerned by this. Daytime television is dull stuff and evidence has shown
that it can addle the brain in a very short time. I suggest you give your
boyfriend an ultimatum: tell him that if you find him watching daytime
television again you will throw him out. (And warn him that you won't allow him
to take your bra and panties with him.)
The wrong sized bra
Question
I go the gym
twice a week but recently heard a couple of other men sniggering behind my back.
I discovered afterwards that my bra had left a clear and obvious red mark on my
shoulders and back. What can I do to prevent a bra leaving a
mark?
Answer
The bra you wore is too small. Wear a larger bra
and there will be few, if any, marks left behind when you take it off.
Incidentally, although a bra which is too small will always give a better
cleavage it can produce a host of health problems. I believe that a bra which is
too small may for example, make irritable bowel syndrome worse, affect your
blood pressure reading and create some serious pains in the arm and shoulder.
These problems are common among transvestites who need a bigger bra (a 40 or 42
for example) but who want to wear a bra with a smaller cup (A or B). Bra
manufacturers usually only make pretty bras (and bras which contain built-in
booster pads) in smaller sizes. Check out the bras on sale in a department store
and you'll usually find that 38A is the biggest A size bra available. Bras sized
over 38 are commonly available only in D cup sizes (or even larger). The
crossdresser who wants to wear a bra to work but who doesn't want a huge false
bosom making twin peaks in his shirt may choose the 38A rather than the
40D.
Incidentally, all this is true for women
as well as men. Many wear a bra which is the wrong size and suffer all sorts of
health problems as a result.
Treated with contempt
Question
When my
workmates found out that I occasionally cross-dress (after someone found an
article in which I was quoted) they made my life so miserable that I had to
resign. Why is it so common for people to treat transvestites with such
contempt? Why are the papers so rude about transvestites? The posh papers in
particular are often scathing about men who dress in feminine clothing. Despite
this I have noticed that they are invariably full of sympathy for transsexuals.
Answer
The broadsheet newspapers worship transsexuals but
sneer at crossdressers. There is no logical reason for this but it is, these
days, the politically correct way. Men who choose to have their balls removed
are cheered. Men who simply wear frocks are jeered.
It's difficult to know why this is. But I
suspect the main reason is (as with most prejudices) simply a mixture of
ignorance and fear.
Banned
Question
Men should be banned from
wearing skirts and dresses. It would be easy to introduce a law forbidding
individuals from wearing clothes normally worn by the opposite
sex.
Answer
I wonder what the women of the world will have to
say when they discover that they are no longer allowed to wear trousers, jeans,
or shirts.
Welcome side effect
Question
A colleague of
mine takes a prescription drug and has grown breasts. He is embarrassed. I am
jealous. Which drugs have this side effect?
Answer
There are a
number of drugs which can produce breast development as a side effect. But I do
not recommend that you try taking any of them for that reason. And so I'm not
going to tell you the names.
The ignorant and the prejudiced
Question
Is
it true that all transvestites dress in women's clothes because it turns them on
sexually?
Answer
No, this is a complete myth perpetuated by the
ignorant and the prejudiced. A few crossdressers get sexually turned on by
frocks and frillies. Most don't. Sadly, among the ignorant buffoons doing the
perpetuating are many GPs, specialists and psychologists who really should know
better. Crossdressing has more to do with stress, pressure, escape and guilt
than sex. Those doctors (and there are many of them) who persist in perpetuating
the myth that transvestites crossdress for sexual reasons are dangerously
deluded.
Help!
Question
I recently discovered that
my husband is a crossdresser. We have talked about it but both feel that we
would like help. In particular we would both like to meet others in the same
situation.
Answer
I suggest you get in touch with the Beaumont
Society - one of the best known organisations for transvestites. Send an SAE for
information to: Beaumont Society, 27 Old Gloucester St, London WC1N 3XX.
Trannies wanted
Question
I agree with you
that men should be more open about cross dressing. My husband is a mild mannered
accountant by day and a temptress by night. Stockings and suspenders are much
sexier than an M&S vest and pants. My female friends are jealous and want to
know where they can find a tranny of their own. There are many women like me who
find a man in satin or lace exciting.
Answer
Crossdressers
whose experiences with women have been frustrating and disappointing should take
comfort from your letter. Far from disapproving there are many women, like you,
who find transvestite men attractive. And there is, of course, also the
advantage that a woman who marries a transvestite can always borrow a pair of
stockings on a Saturday night.
7. Sad And Nasty Bastards
Nude Photos
Question
I met a man I used to
go out with before I married and he asked me to meet him for lunch. He said it
would just be for a chat and so I went. It was nice to see him but now he keeps
phoning and asking me to see him again. I've told him that I am happily married
but he says he has nude photos of me which he took when I had a threesome with
him and his best friend. He says that if I don't go to bed with him he'll show
them to my husband.
Answer
Tell your husband everything.
Theoretically the police ought to arrest your former boyfriend for blackmail.
But since there are no speed cameras involved this case is probably too
complicated for them. They'll end up shooting your husband and arresting you.
Instead, have a ton of fresh manure delivered to this carbuncle's front door and
send a stream of double glazing salesmen round to spoil his Saturdays.
Inconsiderate Lover
Question
My girlfriend
doesn't like sex. She says it hurts and doesn't give her any pleasure. But I
need it. Why should I have to go without because she doesn't enjoy it?
Answer
A sane, loving, thoughtful man would help his
girlfriend find out why sex was painful. And he would put some effort into
helping her enjoy an experience which can be as joyful and exciting as grabbing
a star out of the sky.
But you don't seem
sane, loving or thoughtful and I suspect that you are far too good for this, or
any other, girl. Someone as sensitive as you clearly deserves much better than a
mere girl. The Welsh Princess suggests that you buy yourself a de luxe, top of
the range, 48 EE washable blow-up doll with plastic hair. She says you should
make a well matched, loving couple. She and I have no doubt that your blow-up
doll will give you just as much love as you give her.
God's Gift
Question
I suspect you'll take
the mickey out of me for writing this letter but I am just being honest. I have
been told that I am God's gift to women and I think that is pretty accurate. I'm
good looking, athletic and have a terrific, well-paid job. I work out twice a
week to keep myself in good shape. My wife complains because I have affairs but
the truth is that I only sleep with a tiny percentage of the women who throw
themselves at me. I tell my wife that any other man in my position would almost
certainly have even more affairs than I do. How can I convince her that she
should be thankful that I chose her to be my wife?
Answer
I
think you sound far too good for any woman - or group of women. You should make
yourself available to the whole world. I suggest that you have yourself
preserved in aspic, stuffed in a glass case and exhibited in the Science Museum.
The little label on the glass case should read: `Dickheadus Totalis'.
Unpleasant And Distasteful
Question
After
my wife had given me two children she decided that she had completely satisfied
her responsibilities and obligations in what she now tells me she has always
regarded as a distinctly unpleasant and distasteful direction. She refuses
pointblank to make love with me again. She won't even sleep in the same room.
And she won't seek advice or discuss the situation. I am only 44 and I really
don't fancy the idea of being forced to be celibate for the rest of my
life.
Answer
Divorce the miserable old biddy. Or find yourself
a mistress.
Cheapskate
Question
When I wouldn't go home
with him a man I met in a club complained angrily that he had spent £7 buying me
drinks. He genuinely seemed to think I should have gone to bed with him because
he had spent a few quid on me. I was embarrassed but didn't know what to say.
What should I have said?
Answer
You should have pulled £7 out
of your handbag and thrown it at him. The style seems to be fast disappearing
from courtship. The Welsh Princess tells me that when she was younger a youth in
a club came up to her and said: `Would I be wasting my money if I bought you a
drink?' Independent sources tell me that despite several operations his nose
still looks slightly misshapen.
Disgusting Business
Question
Sex is a dirty
and disgusting business. I think it is disgusting the way you accept the fact
that people have sex outside marriage. They and you will all rot in
hell.
Answer
I spy some slight conflict in your thinking here.
If sex is really dirty and disgusting why should people save it (and do it with)
the partners they choose to marry? Wouldn't it make more sense if they only did
it with people they didn't know very well - and possibly didn't like very much?
Just a thought.
Miserable Oaf
Question
A man I work with
has always been rotten to me. He has a lot of influence with our boss and so in
order to try to get him to like me more I tried to seduce him one evening after
work. Unfortunately, it all went wrong. He couldn't get an erection. Now he
seems to hate me more than ever. He is making my life awful and I'm thinking of
leaving and trying to find another job. I didn't tell anyone at work about this.
Answer
Take this miserable, impotent oaf to one side and let
him know that you haven't told anyone else in the office that he can't get it
up. If he is being particularly horrid to you because he is frightened that you
might embarrass him with the facts about your aborted evening of sex this might
soothe his fears. If he is being horrid to you because he is simply an
exceptionally horrid person, reminding him of this incident (and of the fact
that you have not yet shared this valuable piece of gossip with your co-workers)
might well concentrate his mind and help him see that it really is in his best
interests to be nice to you.
Crap Lover
Question
My husband hardly ever
makes love to me. But he locks himself in the bathroom and masturbates at least
twice a day.
Answer
Next time the bathroom door clicks shut you
should pack your bags and tiptoe out of the house. Mark my words, this man will
come to a sticky end.
Unbearably Stupid
Question
My daughter is
divorced and for the last three years I have helped her look after her young
daughter. We live near each other, and since my wife died I have been alone. My
daughter and granddaughter mean everything to me. Two weeks ago my daughter
suddenly told me that she didn't want me to look after her daughter any more.
Shocked, I asked her why. She told me that she had seen some pornographic videos
next to my TV set and had subsequently mentioned this to a social worker friend.
She said the social worker had told her that she must never leave her daughter
alone with me again. This has destroyed me. I do have some porn tapes but only
the sort of thing you can find in most homes. I am not interested in paedophilia
and would never harm my granddaughter.
Answer
The social
worker who advised your daughter is bigoted, prejudiced, repressed, cruel and
unbearably stupid. And your daughter is a fool for listening to her. There is no
evidence linking ordinary heterosexual porn to any sort of criminal behaviour.
And only a crew-cutted, moustachioed man hating lesbo-warrior could deliberately
tear apart a family and cause such pain without just cause.
I hope the miserable lesbo warrior impales
herself on her king-sized black plastic pleasure rod.
Terrible Gossip
Question
A woman who lives
in the same street as me is a terrible gossip. She spreads lies about everyone
and people believe her. I have just heard through a neighbour that she is saying
that I cheat on my husband and that I sleep around. I cry about this every
night. The rumours she has started are completely untrue. I feel so miserable,
especially as I am now receiving horrible looks from the rest of the neighbours.
Answer
My dear friend Eva Legova insists that those who live
by the rumour must die by it. When a neighbour of hers started a particularly
nasty and harmful rumour (and, to be honest, it is difficult to think of
anything to say about Eva that isn't true) Eva immediately struck back by
telling everyone capable of listening that the source of the rumour had become a
professional tipster for the Department of Social Security and the Inland
Revenue. She explained that the woman was behaving in this strange and
anti-social way because she was suffering from a serious infective brain
disorder involving a rare bug which she had contracted after sleeping with nine
members of a visiting squad of overweight American insurance salesmen who had
been attending a convention at a local hotel. Within six months the woman had
been divorced by her husband, ostracised by her neighbours, disowned by her
mother and abandoned by her cat.
Story Teller
Question
My boyfriend, an
electrician, is impotent and when we first got together he got his kicks out of
my telling him about my previous lovers. I hadn't had much experience so I used
my imagination and made up more lovers than there had been. I told him I was
making it up but he encouraged me. One evening, I `confessed' that I'd worked as
a prostitute for two years. It turned him on and he made me give him the
details. By this time I'd got quite good at making up stories so it wasn't
difficult. Again, I explained that it was all fiction. A year ago we talked
about marriage and last week I plucked up the courage to ask him if he still
wanted us to marry. He told me that he had no intention of marrying a slut.
Shocked, I asked him what he meant. He claimed he believes my fictional sexual
experiences were all real. He says he wouldn't dream of marrying such a slag. He
has told his friends about my fictional past. And they, like him, believe it's
all true!
Answer
Your impotent boyfriend is clearly a prat
with far more to worry about than a limp and useless tickling stick. Neither he
nor his friends are worth worrying about. Congratulate yourself on having had a
lucky escape. Marriage to this sad and sorry individual would have been about as
much fun as a wet fortnight in Port Talbot. And take consolation from the
thought that at least you never had his plug in your socket.
8.
All In the Name Of Science
Dirty Diary
Question
I am a 32-year-old
divorced woman. I have had sex with quite a few men and for the last three years
I have been keeping a diary. During that time I have had sex with 26 men. Of
these, 16 were circumcised and 10 were not. From my diary I can see that the men
who still had their foreskins were much gentler, kinder and more sensitive
lovers than the men without foreskins. Do you know if anyone else has done any
research along these lines?
Answer
I am grateful to you for
your hard work and research. It is rare to find an individual with such a
well-developed sense of community spirit. Your findings support a theory of mine
that men without foreskins are more likely to be aggressive and potentially
violent than men who still have a complete set of sexual equipment. Delicious
Romanian lovely Dubbelldekka Ortobus has done extensive research work which has
shown that men without foreskins are likely to become irritable and edgy because
their foreskin deprived sex lives are deeply unsatisfying. (Next time a man in
the pub becomes belligerent ask him if he is short of a foreskin.) I think that
this is a subject which merits a good deal more research. Maybe a ban on
circumcision could produce a calmer, more peaceful, gentler and more loving
world. Foreskins are often removed for religious reasons. Allegedly this is done
to improve hygiene. But is it possible that in reality foreskin removal might
conceivably have been started to prevent men obtaining pleasure from sex?
There's a question for lunchtime in the pub. In my view the circumcising of men
is as barbaric and unjustified as the circumcising of women.
Unsuitable Lovers
Question
Over the years I
have come to the conclusion that men who regularly wear suits rarely make good
lovers. I have been to bed with over 30 men and so I think my observation may
have some value.
Answer
Research conducted by a group of
drunken scientists from the planet Pluto confirms that men in suits make rotten
lovers. Men who wear suits because they think they should are insipid,
unimaginative and usually lacking in stamina and creativity. Men who wear suits
because they like wearing suits are not usually much interested in sex at all.
When they do get aroused it is usually because they see some chance of obtaining
promotion and by passing the normal sequence of rungs on the corporate ladder.
(By, for example, sleeping with the boss or the boss's daughter.)
Itching For The Truth
Question
I am prone to
developing vaginal thrush. My boyfriend says that if I wear stockings and
suspenders and do not wear any panties I will be less likely to have problems.
Is he having me on?
Answer
No. It gives me great pleasure to
confirm that knickerless women who wear stockings rather than tights are less
likely to develop thrush. Floor covering millionaire Walter Wallkarpet tells me
exclusively that the world's first `Down With Tights' march may hit London in
September. I hope it attracts at least a million women - all wearing stockings
and suspenders. (Hold-ups are just as good for avoiding thrush, though perhaps
not quite as likely to stop traffic in a light breeze.)
9. Bad
Taste (And Hard To Swallow)
Gooey Stuff
Question
My boyfriend wants me
to have oral sex with him but I am afraid of taking his thingy in my mouth in
case he well, you know.... If that happened and I accidentally swallowed some of
the white gooey stuff, would I have to have to have my stomach pumped
out?
Answer
No. Unless your boyfriend has an infection, or the
white gooey stuff (I am, incidentally, so glad that you are familiar with the
technical term) goes down the wrong way and you choke, the risks associated with
oral sex are very small. Indeed, Eva Legova, currently employed as senior
lecherer at the Carmarthen School of Penile Management, tells me that white
gooey stuff contains a variety of useful nutrients - including, so she says,
vitamins and protein. Some people (mainly male doctors who are trying to
convince nurses) claim that a regular intake of the white gooey stuff may
improve your health.
Poor Quantity
Question
When I was younger I
used to produce far more ejaculate when I came. These days the production
department seems to have gone on half time for the quantities produced are
rather disappointing. When my wife first noticed this she accused me of having
an affair. She is very keen on oral sex and has always enjoyed the taste of the
stuff.
Answer
Whether it is penis size, breast size or
ejaculate production quantity is of less importance than quality. A couple of
radishes and a baby carrot can be just as tasty as two large turnips and a
cucumber. However, men who want to obtain a more copious ejaculate can help
improve the quantity of fluid they produce by masturbating nearly (but not
quite) to orgasm an hour or so before sex. This simple trick will increase the
amount of prostatic secretion and undoubtedly impress your hungry partner.
Constantly Exhausted
Question
My girlfriend
seems to have acquired a taste for oral sex. She just won't stop. I am
constantly exhausted.
Answer
I find your complaint (or is it a
boast) hard to swallow.
Sweet Taste
Question
I recently performed
oral sex on my girlfriend after sucking a mentholated throat sweet. She went
absolutely wild and said she had the best orgasm of her life. I didn't do
anything different -apart from suck the menthol sweet beforehand. Do you think
the menthol on my breath could have helped?
Answer
Absolutely.
Menthol can convert an ordinary tongue into a dangerous weapon and turn just
about any woman into a quivering jelly. Eva Legova, one of the famous Norfolk
broads, tells me that she always gets terribly excited when her boyfriend starts
to sniffle. She claims that a packet of menthol throat sweets can put her on the
ceiling for five hours. Incidentally, it has been reported that menthol
toothpaste can produce a similar response.
Quite A Blow
Question
When my girlfriend
and I were courting she used to give me a blow job two or three times a week.
But since we got married she hasn't done it once.
Answer
Seth
Pitt, low life lisping Senior Lecherer at the University of Life in Sussex (once
described by his students as `the only man alive who can limbo under a carpet')
claims that brides smile when they walk down the aisle because they know that
they will never have to perform oral sex again.
10. Working With
Professionals
Hooked On Sex
Question
I've been a hooker
for eight years and I enjoy it. I like the money, I like the men and, I admit, I
like the sex. I enjoy being in control. I like the freedom. I like the life. Two
months ago I fell in love. He isn't and never has been a customer but he knows
what I do. He's asked me to marry him and I've said `yes'. The problem is that
he wants me to give up the life. And I don't want to give it up. It has given me
independence and a standard of living which I
enjoy.
Answer
It's difficult to find a compromise. Hooking is
like pregnancy: you either are or you aren't. You can't hook a bit. You can't be
a hooker on Tuesdays but not for the rest of the week.
You and your boyfriend are both going to have
to talk and think hard about this. And one of you is going to have to love the
other one so much that you are prepared to back down.
Who do I think should back down? You. He'll
find it much harder coping with you being a hooker than you'll find it coping
with not being a hooker.
Sex Surrogate
Question
My wife recently
told me that she used to work as a sex surrogate - having sex with men who had
sexual problems. I knew nothing about this when I married her and feel that she
should have told me. She says she didn't think it was important and that she was
merely providing a medical service in the same way that a doctor or nurse
does.
Answer
I confess that personally I have never been able
to spot much of a difference between a sex surrogate and a prostitute. Both take
off appropriate items of clothing and have sex for money. Your wife was wrong
not to tell you about her work and I can't help thinking that since she would
have probably told you if she had worked as a doctor or an astronaut then she
herself must have regarded her previous employment as something which might
arouse surprise and possibly even disapproval. Having said that I don't think
you should worry too much about your wife's sex life before you met and married.
Lots of very prim and proper women have sex for money - it's just that instead
of receiving cash they receive food, drink, clothing and lodging. My guess is
that on this basis at least 50% of the women to be seen pushing trolleys around
supermarkets have probably had sex for money.
Paying Up
Question When he awoke one morning
my husband was feeling very randy. But I wasn't. I said `no'. He persisted and
eventually said he was so desperate he would pay me for sex. I asked him how
much. He said he'd pay me £30 - everything he had in his wallet. I said OK.
After we had sex he was surprised when I made him pay up. I liked getting the
money (I bought myself a new blouse in the sales) but I confess I also found it
exciting.
Answer
Lots of couples introduce fantasy role play
into their relationships. Walk into any city centre hotel these days and look
around the lobby. Is the brunette in the scarlet thigh high slit mini dress a
£200 a night hooker or the manageress of the local chemist's having a little fun
with her building society manager husband? Is the blonde in blue hot pants,
white see-through blouse and cleavage enhancing black bra looking for a trick or
waiting for her husband, the dentist?
By
introducing the raw cash element you've simply added another layer of reality to
this increasingly popular role play. Of course, if things get too hot you may
have to start accepting Monopoly money. Or letting your husband run up a tab.
Jealous Boyfriend
Question
My boyfriend has
suddenly become very jealous. Three months ago we were broke and at his
suggestion I started picking up men and taking them back to our flat. Now he
wants to vet the customers I sleep with. He says that I can only bring back
unattractive, overweight men over 50. I don't think this is fair to me. Finding
customers isn't always that easy these days and if I get too picky it will be
even more difficult. Plus if I do what he wants it means that I only get to have
sex with men I don't fancy at all. Do you agree he's being
selfish?
Answer
I checked with Brussels and Commissioner Eva
Legova tells me that there is, as you might expect, a European Directive dealing
with this particular issue. I suggest that you tell your mean spirited husband
that according to the EU it is against the law for you to discriminate against
any specific group of men (whether selected by age or appearance) when offering
them a service of any kind. Prostitution may be illegal but your clients still
come under EU6/7jrn/2928jh/ (November 2000). If he tries to outlaw particular
types of client your husband will be in breach of the law and susceptible to a
large fine and lengthy prison sentence. (If you can get him to believe this
drivel, touch him for a fiver while you're at it.)
A New Career
Question
Ten months ago my
husband lost his job. I took a job as a stripper in a pub. The money is good and
we've been able to keep on paying our mortgage. Now a man says he can get me
steady, well-paid work through his escort agency. I'm not stupid and I know that
he's offering me work as a prostitute. His clients won't want to talk to me over
an expensive dinner, or show me off to their business friends. They'll just want
sex. I've talked it over with my husband and he's keen. He's already talking
about what we can do with the money. But I'm still not sure that I'm doing the
right thing.
Answer
If you become a prostitute do it because
it's what you want to do - and not because your husband has a yearning to start
a new career as a pimp.
Taken For A Ride
Question
Two months ago I
had sex with a taxi driver because I couldn't afford to pay the fare home. After
that I did it a few times more. At the time it seemed an easy way to save money
but the taxi driver has talked to the other drivers in the small town where I
live and now whenever I get a taxi I'm likely to get a leery smile from a driver
wanting to know how I want to pay. When I was really broke some time ago I did
contemplate prostitution as a way to get out of my money problems but I've got a
job now and I don't want to do it any more. I'm ashamed of what I
did.
Answer
First, stop feeling bad about yourself. Lots of
women have sex with men who have taken them out for dinner not because they
particularly want to but because they feel that it is somehow expected. There's
very little difference between paying for dinner with sex and paying for a taxi
ride with sex. Second, make sure you have enough cash with you to pay the fare
before you get into a taxi in future. Your local taxi drivers will eventually
forget what happened. Practise a dirty look and dole it out liberally where
appropriate.
Sex Videos
Question
My husband and I make
sex videos of ourselves and show them to our friends. We would now like to start
marketing our films professionally. Can you tell us how to do
this?
Answer
Your films must make a pleasant change from the
usual dull video of the kids splashing around on Woolacombe Sands. I am
surprised that two people who know how to film themselves having sex don't know
how to sell the result but the manager of the local sex shop should be able to
give you some guidance. Alternatively, just write to the boss of just about any
British TV station. If you throw in advice on cooking and interior decorating
you'll probably be offered long-term contracts.
Escort Service
Question
Two friends and I
have started our own escort service for local businessmen. We did it because we
were broke and lonely. Now we get as many dates as we want - and get paid for
it. We only go to bed with the men we date if we like them. Do you think that
what we are doing is illegal?
Answer
Limp and Grimace,
conveyancers and legal advisers, tell me that you will probably be arrested for
encouraging people to have a good time. Thank you for the brochure and the
photographs which I will pass on to the Conservative Party.
Sex Syndicate
Question
I am a divorced and
rather lonely male in my early 40s. Last week a friend came to me with an
unusual proposition and I would like your opinion on it. My friend is married
but he and his wife no longer have any sort of sexual relationship. He has a
mistress with whom he spends every Monday evening. (He tells his wife that he
has a regular engagement that evening - a meeting of the local Freemasons Lodge
or something like that). He told me that this woman, who is in her late 30s, is
a professional mistress who has for years been kept by six male lovers who each
pay £50 a week towards her living costs. Each man has access to the woman one
night of the week and can either just visit for the evening or stay the night
and leave the following morning after breakfast. The woman has Sundays to
herself. My friend told me that one of the men in the syndicate has left the
area and so the woman has a vacancy. He asked me if I would like to take over
Wednesdays. I am very tempted by the prospect of regular sex without any
commitment other than finding £50 a week. Have you ever heard of anything like
this before?
Answer
The sort of arrangement you describe is
not uncommon. I am certainly aware of several similar syndicates. If you are
happy to share a woman under the circumstances you describe then you may find it
an appealing notion. I assume that the woman herself takes precautions to avoid
getting pregnant and that she and her lovers make sure that they are not
spreading infection from one to another.
With
those provisos it does seem to me that the arrangement you describe could well
be just what you need. Regular sex with a reliable, experienced woman who has no
other expectations or demands could well turn out to be comforting, soothing and
a much healthier and less stressful solution than a series of one night stands
would be.
Why not suggest a trial run so that
you and your possible new mistress can check each other out?
A Hard Job
Question
I'm male, 27 and I earn
my living as an actor in the porn industry. Blokes who find out are always
envious but the public doesn't realise just how hard a job it really is for a
man. Actresses who make porn movies get paid much more but have a far less
stressful time.
Answer
I can see that this is a hard business
and you must be constantly under pressure to perform. Clearly, if you're not up
to it you will be replaced (though perhaps you could have a stand in for some
scenes). But stop whingeing. If you don't like the work there are plenty of
other careers that require only the ability to screw as many people as possible.
Paying For It
Question
I discovered two
days ago that my husband has been seeing a prostitute once a week for the last
two years. I have told him that I want a divorce. I am shocked that he should do
this with another woman and disgusted that he should spend our money in such a
way. I wanted a new dishwasher last year but he said we couldn't afford one! Why
do men go to prostitutes? I just don't understand
it.
Answer
Men visit prostitutes to get something they aren't
getting from other women. Married men go to prostitutes because they need
something they aren't getting from their wives. It would be a mistake to assume
that all men who pay for sex are looking for a woman to do something for them,
at them, to them, in them or on them. Many married men who visit prostitutes do
so to get love, affection, tenderness, warmth and passion which they don't get
at home. Some just want a cuddle. Not a few want to talk. All this probably says
just as much (if not more) about the wives of the men who patronise prostitutes
as it does about the men themselves. Incidentally, on the subject of
prostitution, have you ever thought how odd it is that it is perfectly OK for a
woman to accept a diamond ring from a man and then have sex with him but
definitely not OK for her to accept money from him and then have sex with him.
Strange, eh?
Hired For Love
Question
A close friend of
mine got divorced 15 months ago and hadn't had a man at all until she hired one
through an escort agency three weeks ago. I was absolutely shocked when I heard
what she'd done but she told me it was the best thing she'd done for years. She
said it cost no more than a really expensive meal out but that it gave her a
real kick. Since then she's hired the same man once or twice a week. When I told
her that I was worried that she might be falling for this man she laughed. She
told me she's just using him for sex and that if he wasn't available she'd
happily accept another man from the agency. Do you think she's being honest? And
do you think that what she is doing is sensible?
Answer
Men go
to prostitutes because they can't get the sex they want or need (or the
particular types of sex they want or need). They are often also looking for
romance and it is not at all uncommon for a man to fall in love with a
prostitute. In contrast women who hire male prostitutes usually do so because
they want sex without any complications. Women, like your friend, who use male
hookers aren't looking for romance and they don't usually fall in
love.
I don't think that your friend is being
particularly sensible in hiring this man for sex so that's OK. When she's ready
to start a new relationship she'll probably be relaxed and far more confident
than she might otherwise have been.
Fallen In Love
Question
I have fallen in love
with a prostitute. I met her in a club and didn't know what she did for a living
until a month later. It had never occurred to me before then that prostitutes
had social lives and went out looking for a bit of fun at weekends. She is great
fun, always cheerful, kind, sweet and great in bed and I love her very much. She
says that she will give up her work and get a job in a shop if I want her to but
I am not sure what to say. She can make fantastic money working just three or
four nights a week and I don't have any problem with her carrying on with her
work because I know she loves only me.
Answer
It sounds as
though your lover is more enthusiastic about abandoning her lifestyle than you
are. Do you want her to carry on hooking because of the money (which will,
incidentally, make you a pimp) or because you're turned on by the whole idea of
free sex with a woman who charges other men? Do you see your happy hooker as a
convenient sexual partner or a future soul mate? Do you want to marry her or
just take advantage of her body and her gold card earning power? Look into your
heart for the answers before either of you makes decisions or commitments.
Horror Movie
Question
I recently attended a
friend's stag night where the usual variety of blue films was shown. I was
shocked and embarrassed when I saw my fiancée on the screen. She was the only
woman with a dozen men. You can probably imagine what happened in the film.
She knows that something is wrong but I still
haven't told her that I saw her in the porn movie. She has never mentioned this
to me. The really odd thing, however, is that our sex life is better than ever.
Answer
You need to discuss your discovery with your fiancée.
And you are entitled to know whether this was a one off event or a regular
occurrence. You are also entitled to know if your girlfriend still makes porn
movies - and whether or not she intends to continue with her work after you are
married.
You are not alone in being turned on
by knowing that your girlfriend has had an adventurous sex life. Indeed, some
men get turned on by knowing that their wives still have sex with other men.
(And not a few like to watch.)
A New Career
Question
I was made redundant
a couple of months ago. My husband suggested that I should send some photographs
of myself to the girlie magazines he reads. They pay quite good money. I told
him that they wouldn't be interested in pictures of a 34-year-old but he says
I've still got a good figure. I admit that I'm turned on by the idea of other
men being excited by pictures of me. My husband also suggested that I sell
photosets of me posing. It seems an easy way to make money. Do you think there
would be anything wrong in it?
Answer
Selling pictures of
yourself naked doesn't figure on my list of occupations to be ashamed of. There
is, of course, a danger that neighbours, friends or relatives might see the
pictures and recognise you. But is that really so bad? The trial snaps you sent
me seemed pretty damned sexy and had burnt quite a large hole in the envelope.
Study the poses used by professional models in your husband's magazines and then
send off sets of pictures to one or two editors. If they are impressed (as I
suspect they will be) they will put you in touch with an experienced
photographer. Another possibility is to contact local camera clubs to see if
they want a nude model. This should enable you to earn some money, give (and
get) a thrill, and (if you smile sweetly at the photographers) acquire a
collection of pictures to sell.
In Need Of A Man
Question
I am a divorcee.
I have lived on my own for three years. I enjoy being independent but miss
occasional male companionship at night. I have a busy work life and do not have
time to pick up a lover. I am also reluctant to begin a new relationship because
I just don't have time for emotional complications. Do you know if there are
such things as male hookers? If so, where do I find
one?
Answer
I suggest you telephone an escort agency and ask if
they can help you. You won't find it difficult to find a companion who will, for
a fee, be prepared to entertain you, satisfy your physical needs and then go
home quietly afterwards.
No Condom
Question
I went with a hooker who
picked me up outside a pub. We did it in an alleyway, standing up. I didn't have
any condoms but she said she was on the pill and didn't mind doing it without
one. Now I am worried that I might have caught something.
Answer
Whether or not you believe in AIDS there are plenty of
reasons to use a condom - particularly when having sex with a
stranger.
Sexually transmitted diseases can be
caused by bacteria, parasites, yeasts, viruses, chlamydia, fungi and mites and
syphilis, gonorrhoea, candidiasis, trichomoniasis, non-specific urethritis and
warts are some of the commonest diseases passed on through sex. Look out for the
following symptoms: rashes, sores, swellings, urinary symptoms (such as
bleeding, pain and frequency), soreness, itching, a discharge, lumps, ulcers and
warts. Bleeding and pain are also important symptoms. Now you wish you'd used a
condom, don't you?
Film Star
Question
My mate's hobby is
making porno movies starring his wife. He then invites me round to watch them
with him. He enjoys them just as much as I do. He's invited me to `star' in one
of his home-made movies and says it was his wife who suggested me but I'm not
sure about it. I don't want to do anything that might affect our relationship as
mates.
Answer
Your relationship with your pal is bound to
change if he's filmed you playing hide the chipolata with his wife. Your
relationship with his wife is likely to change too. It sounds as if they are
used to dealing with this sort of situation. It's fairly safe to assume that not
all your pal's wife's co-stars have been complete strangers. Only you can decide
how you'll cope with the after effects.
Very Sore
Question
Is it true that a woman
once (voluntarily) took part in a gang bang involving 300 men?
Answer
Yes. But she didn't hold the world record for very
long. The world record is, so I reliably informed, held by a woman who had sex
with 620 men in a single session. This is, as far as I know, still an all comers
record.
Sex With A Stranger
Question
I enjoy sex but
haven't been in love for a long time. To obtain physical satisfaction I have had
(safe) sex with a number of men I've met in clubs and pubs. I am told that I am
quite good at sex.
Six months or so ago I
helped a male friend's son lose his virginity. Word got around and I did the
same favour for two other young men - both sons of friends of my friend. On both
occasions I was offered money but refused. Later my friend sent round a rather
nice gift. Last week my friend asked me if I would entertain a client of his who
is coming to town next weekend. Once again he offered me money. I am very
tempted. I know that I am getting pretty close to prostitution but to be honest
I can't see anything wrong with it.
Answer
First, let's get
something straight: having sex with a stranger for money (or gifts) isn't
`pretty close to prostitution' it is
prostitution.
Given the lifestyle you have
described the step you are contemplating is not a large one. But it is a
significant one which merits some serious thought. Is this going to be a one-off
arrangement? Or are you starting a new career - are you going to do this on a
regular basis? Can you make sure that you always practise safe sex? What are the
possible legal consequences?
Before starting a
new career it is always wise to know exactly what you are getting into.
11. Virgins
Hard To Get
Question
I am a virgin. I met a
nice man at a club. He's 24 and I'm 19. I very much want to see him again but my
best friend says I should make him wait at least a week for a date. She says
that if I play hard to get he'll be more likely to stick around.
Answer
If you play that hard to get you'll be seeing a lot
more of your friend and not very much of your new bloke.
The Gardener
Question
I am 19-years-old and
work as a gardener. Until two weeks ago I was a virgin. My boss and I worked on
a landscaping job for three weeks and on the last day I was told to stay behind
and clear up. When I'd finished the lady of the house, a married woman, asked me
if I would like a cup of coffee. When I said `yes' she asked me if I would like
to have a wash while the kettle boiled. At first I said `no' but she was
insistent and so I said `yes'. When I got out of the shower she came in and
handed me a towel. Then she took the towel off me and started to rub me with it.
I started to get sexually aroused almost immediately and she kissed me and
pressed herself against me. She knelt down in front of me and did something I
didn't know women did. I tried to stop her and to warn her what was going to
happen but she didn't mind. After that she lay me down on the bed and we did it
the usual way. I'm worried. Is what she did normal?
Answer
Your
experiences will undoubtedly lead to a dramatic increase in the number of young
men keen to follow a career in gardening. Stop worrying. Oral sex is a perfectly
normal, healthy activity which is enjoyed by millions of women.
A Precious Gift
Question
I am 16 and still a
virgin. My best friend, who is the same age as I am, lost her virginity two
years ago. She says that the longer I leave it the more painful it will be when
I finally make love to a boy. Is this true?
Answer
No. You
should guard your virginity carefully and give it to your first true love. Your
first true love may not last a lifetime but by sharing your virginity with a man
you love you will acquire a happy memory which will stay with you for ever and
will brighten dark evenings when you are sitting in a plastic chair dribbling.
Mum's Best Friend
Question
Two months ago
my mum asked me to take some cakes around to her best friend. They had been
baked for a church social. When I got there my mum's friend was in the bath. She
came to the door with a towel wrapped round her body and another wrapped around
her head like a turban. I carried the cakes into the kitchen for her and while
we were there the towel around her body came undone and fell to the floor. My
mum's friend wasn't as embarrassed as I would have expected. She just laughed
about it and I had a fantastic view of her naked body. Now I can't get her out
of my mind. I constantly fantasise about her and think about that moment every
night when I go to bed. Do you think that what I am doing is sick or perverted?
She is much older than me and I am still a virgin.
Answer
There
is nothing at all wrong with enjoying a fantasy (even a recurrent one) about
someone you know and fancy. And with the sort of visual memory you describe I'm
not in the least surprised that your mum's best friend is now having what I
assume is an ongoing affair with your hand. Fantasies only ever become problems
when those who are having them forget that they are just fantasies. Keep your
fantasy world separate from the real world and all will be well.
One Prick
Question
My boyfriend and I did
it just once but he didn't come inside me. Am I still a virgin?
Answer
I'm afraid not. You can't be a bit of a virgin, any
more than you can be a bit pregnant. Virginity is like a balloon: one prick and
it's gone.
No Virgin
Question
Early in our
relationship my girlfriend told me that she had had three previous lovers. Six
months ago we got engaged. We are due to be married in the summer. Last week, in
my presence, she told a friend that she had had oral sex with nearly 20 other
men! When I confronted her about this afterwards she told me she hadn't
mentioned this before because oral sex doesn't count as sex. I was shocked and
am not now sure that I can marry this woman. I am concerned not so much at her
sexual profligacy (though I confess I do find that pretty shocking) as at her
dishonesty.
Answer
A recent survey showed that three quarters
of all students don't include encounters involving oral sex when making a list
of their lovers. The significance of oral sex has been considerably devalued in
recent years.
Was your girlfriend trying to
be `clever' when she omitted her oral sex experiences from her sex CV? You know
her and therefore your guess has to be much better than mine.
On the other hand the number of men your
fiancée has had sexual relationships with is fairly irrelevant. A woman, like a
man, either is a virgin or she isn't. Yours isn't.
Like A Virgin
Question
My boyfriend thinks
that I'm a virgin. This is important to him. I'm not. How can I make sure that
he doesn't guess on our first night in bed?
Answer
Pretend not
to know what he's talking about when he asks for oral sex. And try not to put
your legs behind his back and yell `Do it harder, big boy' within the first five
minutes.
Happy Birthday!
Question
My best friend is
29 and still a virgin. He is very shy with women. It is his 30th birthday next
week and my wife has offered to sleep with him on a one off basis so that he can
break his duck. I don't mind. In fact I think it's quite a good idea. How do you
think we should tell him? And do you think he would mind if I watched?
Answer
You aren't an Eskimo are you? I'm told that they hand
their wives around like peanuts at a 1960s cocktail party. Your generosity is
astonishing. What a five star chum you are. I think you should give your pal the
good news - making it clear that it was your wife's idea and that it's a
strictly one performance only contract. Forget about watching. He's going to be
nervous enough with your wife in the room. If you're there too the event could
turn out to be a damp squib instead of a big bang.
The Little Liar
Question
I am 17 and I have
just lost my virginity to my long-term boyfriend who is seven years older than I
am. My boyfriend has told me that if I don't have sex with him every evening
everything down below will heal up.
Answer
Your boyfriend is
such a good liar that I can only assume that he may be employed by the
Government in some capacity. Such a mendacious lover will not make a good
long-term partner. I suggest you tell him that you're so worried about what he
said that you've been having sex with the milkman every morning in order to make
sure that his favourite thoroughfare remains open for business in the evenings.
And then ask him if the funny rash you've noticed could be anything to worry
about.
12. Working Together
Merry Christmas
Question
At our firm's
Christmas party I got far too merry and had sex with one of the men who works
for me. I'm in my 40s and divorced. He's in his mid twenties and single and has
quite a reputation for being a lady-killer. I've been aware of sexual tension
between us for months but I realise that what happened was really stupid. I
don't think anyone saw us sneak off into my office and to my surprise the man in
question has been very discreet. My problem is that I really enjoyed the sex and
would love to do it again. I realise that we don't have much future as a couple.
But I wouldn't mind a fling with him. At my age it might well be my last chance
to have a raunchy affair.
Answer
Bin the pessimism. You won't
know if you have a future as a couple until you try. And if he doesn't turn out
to be the love of your life you still have several decades of potential
decadence ahead of you. You're going to have take the initiative. Get him alone,
explain that you're grateful to him for his discretion, tell him you'd like to
see him again and invite him for a drink or a meal somewhere private. Then just
see what comes up. The downside: he turns you down and you feel embarrassed for
a day. The upside: weeks, months or years of bliss.
A Good Sport
Question
My girlfriend burst into
tears for no reason the other day. It was her birthday and some of the girls she
works with had organised a party. They made me stand up and say a few words
about her. I'm not very good at public speaking but I had prepared a few words.
I said we all liked her because she is a good sport and a really nice person.
When I sat down she suddenly burst into tears and ran out of the room. She has
never done anything like this before. Do you think it could be her hormones?
Answer
The words you use and the way that you express them are
as important as what you say and what you mean. If Moses had come down from the
mountain with ten `suggestions' would people have taken him (or them) seriously?
Did you really expect your girlfriend to be grateful that you chose to describe
her as a `good sport' and a `really nice person'? She was probably waiting to
hear you say how beautiful she is and how much you love her. You blew it. Send
vast quantities of champagne, chocolates and flowers to her at work and you
might just salvage this relationship.
Office Love
Question
My boyfriend and I
have made love in the office where we work 27 times. Do you think this is a
record?
Answer
I have no idea whether you have created a record
or not but your experience certainly gives a whole new meaning to the phrase `Do
you come here often?'
Randy Old Men
Question
Why are so many old
men randy? I am 18 and work in a hotel as a maid. It is always the men in their
60s and 70s who sit and watch while I make the bed so that they can look up my
skirt. I have no trouble at all with men in their 40s who seem much more likely
to make a pass at another maid who is my friend and who is still good-looking
but who is twice my age. Incidentally, I'm not complaining. I don't mind old men
eyeing me up - or even looking up my skirt. If it makes them happy it's fine
with me. It doesn't cost me anything or hurt me.
Answer
When a
middle aged man sees an 18-year-old girl with her mother the chances are that he
will fancy the mother. But something strange happens to men as they go past
middle age and when an old man sees an 18-year-old girl with her mother the
chances are that he will fancy the 18-year-old girl. This may have something to
do with the fact that the middle aged man probably thinks he has a chance with
the mother but no chance with the 18-year-old whereas the old man pretty much
knows that he has no chance with either. I am, by the way, delighted to hear
that you do not object to bringing a little joy into the lives of the old men
who patronise the establishment where you work. You are undoubtedly a great
asset to the hotel - far more valuable than shag pile carpeting in the lifts and
direct dialling in all bedrooms.
On The Job
Question
I am 25-years-old and
work in a residential home for the elderly. While giving one of the residents
his bed-bath one morning I couldn't help noticing that he had a big erection. I
got very turned on and gave him oral sex. Now I do this for him as much as four
times a week. My problem is that he has told some of the other residents and now
they all expect me to give them oral sex. One of them has threatened to tell the
matron in charge if I don't do it for him. What started off as a favour has
become a chore.
Answer
You should perhaps think carefully
about finding alternative employment. I realise that this probably seems unfair
since you have undoubtedly got yourself into trouble through your own good
nature but life isn't always (or, indeed, often) fair. If you stay where you are
you will, I suspect, find it difficult to change your reputation.
Do It Yourself
Question
I've been having a
fling with an odd job man. The problem is that he always comes too soon and
leaves me dissatisfied.
Answer
The short-term solution is to
try a little DIY when your odd job man lets you down. The longer term solution
is to show him what you need from him.
Half A Packet
Question
My wife recently
went to a brain-storming meeting organised by the company she works for. Thirty
of them spent the weekend at a luxurious country hotel. It was late on Sunday
evening when my wife got back and so while she had a bath I unpacked her
suitcase for her. I was shocked when I discovered a half used packet of condoms
in amongst her underwear. I had a vasectomy four years ago. I didn't say
anything but now I can't sleep and my wife suspects that something is wrong.
Answer
Tell your wife what you found and give her a chance to
explain. To be honest I couldn't think of an innocent explanation but hey, who
knows, maybe she took them along because she wanted party decorations and
couldn't find a balloon shop. If you keep this secret it will burn a hole in
you, your love and probably the living room carpet as well.
Open Wide
Question
I am a 24-year-old
dental nurse. I have worked for the same dentist for three years. For six months
we have been having an affair. But our affair is confined to the surgery. We
have sex in the chair at the end of nearly every day. Sometimes, if a patient is
late, we have a quickie during the day. (Once we did it five times in one day -
all between patients.) The dentist I work for is married but although I know he
wouldn't leave his wife for me I would very much like to see him outside work.
However, he has never even suggested that we meet for a drink together. I am
happy to remain his mistress and see him when I can but having a relationship
which always ends before six means that my evenings are long and lonely.
Answer
Your dentist employer sounds a bit like a Chinese meal
- filling but curiously unsatisfying. The phrases `open wide', `just a little
prick', `does that hurt?' and `say aarrhh' will never be quite the same for me
now.
I fear that if you ask your drill happy
employer to extend your hours you may threaten the modest relationship you have.
You have to come to terms with the fact that this affair - which seems to exist
solely of sexual thrills for both of you - isn't going anywhere.
Young, Beautiful And Sexy
Question
My new
secretary is young, beautiful, sexy and single. Although I could not by any
stretch of the imagination be described as young and beautiful I am sexy and
unattached. Do you think it would be appropriate for me to ask her out? I am not
sure about the protocol on occasions like this. Could an invitation to dinner be
regarded as sexual harassment?
Answer
My team of carefully
stuffed lawyers tell me that an invitation to extend your relationship into
after office hours could well be regarded as sexual harassment. But life is full
of hazards and we must take our moments of joy where we find them. There can be
no gain without a little risk.
Jiggling And Bouncing
Question
Why do women
dress so provocatively and then complain when men look at them? Several girls in
the office where I work wear clothes that leave absolutely nothing to the
imagination. Two never wear supporting underwear and consequently spend the
entire day jiggling and bouncing. If a man looks for more than a split second
they complain to the boss.
Answer
Eva Legova, women’s rights
spokesperson for the EU, claims that women go braless to adopt a lower profile
and to redefine their status as sex objects. These are good points but the fact
remains that a large breasted woman who refuses to wear a bra will wobble if she
jumps up and down.
Incidentally, the Welsh
Princess tells me that in the land of the daffodil men invariably look down on
women in low-cut dresses.
13. A Bit Kinky
Hit Me Baby One More Time
Question
My
girlfriend and I like spanking one another. We both find it a turn on. Are we
kinky or do normal people get a kick out of spanking or being
spanked?
Answer
An unreliable survey conducted by Walter
Walkarpet and a team of intoxicated Morris Dancers showed that 87.5% of Scottish
people over the age of consent spend at least 6 hours a week spanking or being
spanked. However, Seth Pitt, freelance trombonist and amateur heating engineer,
insists that all this spanking helps keep Scottish heating bills down.
Are You Being Served?
Question
Five months
ago my husband brought home a French maid's outfit. The outfit consists of an
extremely short skirt, a see-through white blouse, a pair of fishnet stockings
and a flimsy suspender belt. He asked me to wear this. I was apprehensive at
first but agreed to wear it because I did not want to disappoint him. I wore it
with a pair of black stiletto heeled shoes and far more make-up than I would
normally wear. The effect on my husband was quite dramatic and our lovemaking
that evening was better than it had been for years. Two months ago my husband
brought two of his friends home and asked me to serve them drinks while wearing
my French maid's outfit. Once again I was very apprehensive but it turned out
that he had told them about the outfit and eventually I agreed. The result was
that I ended up making love to my husband and both his friends. I felt very
special and am ashamed to admit that I enjoyed all the attention I received. I
was very aroused and found the whole experience extremely fulfilling in every
respect.
My husband wants me to repeat the
evening with the same two friends. Do you think this is in danger of getting out
of hand? Or should I just let myself go and enjoy myself?
Answer
It all depends on how you define `getting out of hand'.
Sister Jacqui of the Neasden Nunnery for the Well Endowed, says she regards eye
contact between unmarried individuals as unforgivable behaviour. Betsy Cleavage
of Manchester Floozies Inc has considerably looser elastic and looks at things
from a different angle (usually lying flat on her back).
You should do whatever you feel comfortable
with - remembering, of course, to take whatever precautions seem appropriate to
protect yourself against infections, pregnancy and other little local
difficulties.
It is also important to take
into consideration the mental and emotional effects that such adventures are
likely to have on you, your husband and your relationship. Will he love you less
or more? Will you love him less or more? Will your marriage grow stronger - or
will it be shattered? These are questions you have to ask - and answer.
A Strong Woman
Question
I have a strong
desire to be dominated by a strong woman who will stand no nonsense. I think
this may be due to my having a strict mother. I still have a memory of coming
home from school and finding my father, shamefaced and in his pyjamas, being
sent to bed early by my mother for some undisclosed misdemeanour. Can I do
anything to change my inclination or must I accept it is to be my lot?
Answer
You have two choices. First, you can spend a small
fortune (and much of the rest of your life) visiting and talking to a shrink. He
may, after 30 years and a great deal of money, come to the conclusion that your
desire to be dominated by a strong woman is a result of your childhood
experiences. You will probably still have the same yearnings and needs as you
have now but you will be considerably poorer. Second, you can simply accept the
cards fate has dealt you and enjoy them as well as you can. You shouldn't have
too much difficulty in finding a strong woman who will take no nonsense. There
seem to be plenty of them around these days. If all else fails try a female
traffic warden.
A Mother's Love
Question
I have been
breastfeeding my son for seven years now. We both enjoy it and he asks for (and
gets) a feed whenever he feels like it. Both my husband and my mother think I
should stop now. What do you think? How can I stop it without hurting his
feelings?
Answer
I think your husband and your mother are both
right. You need to wean your son off your breasts as soon as you can. What were
you intending to do? Pop in to his college dining room or works canteen and
offer him a quick suckle at lunchtime? Try that and you might find yourself with
more customers than you could satisfy.
French Maid
Question
My husband wants me to
wear stockings and suspenders and dress up in a French maid's outfit. When I
told my mother she suggested that I divorce him. Do you agree with her?
Answer
Dump the mother. Keep the husband. Buy stockings and a
skimpy skirt and look forward to lots of giggly fun. Incidentally, do you tell
your mother absolutely everything?
Nurse's Uniform
Question
My partner always
insists on wearing a nurse's uniform every time we make love. I'm quite happy to
do this as I find it a great turn on. However, is this normal? I'm 22 and my
boyfriend is 28.
Answer
No, it's not normal. But do you really
want to be `normal'? I'm told that the nation's leading politicians are widely
regarded as `normal' by psychiatrists and Methodists. Would you rather go to bed
with one of these or have your boyfriend dressed up as a nurse? On the other
hand if you pop round to his place one evening and find him clutching lots of
plastic tubing and a pair of rubber gloves I suggest you make your excuses and
leave quickly.
Knee-high Socks
Question
My partner likes
me to wear tarty St Trinian's schoolgirl clothes and since I started doing that
sex has been fantastic. I don't mind the clothes and it's nice to wear stockings
but now he wants me to wear white knee high socks. A friend to whom I confided
says that it is not normal for a man to want his wife/girlfriend to dress this
way. We are both in our late 30s and if I try to talk to him about this he sulks
for days on end.
Answer
Your friend is wrong. Dressing up for
sex is normal, healthy and commonplace. But the basic rule is a simple one:
anything goes as long as both partners are happy with it. If you like the
stockings but not the white socks then tell your boyfriend. And if he sulks tell
him you'll wear the white socks if he dresses up as a banana when he goes off to
work every day. He is being unreasonable and taking his fetish far too
seriously.
Smoking Kills
Question
I have a real fetish
for women who smoke. I don't understand it but I get really turned on when I see
a woman with a cigarette in her hand and smoke coming out of her lips. My
girlfriend has smoked for 12 years - we've been together for seven of those -
and she told me last week that she is going to give up. I am naturally concerned
for her health and part of me wants her to give up. But part of me wants to
persuade her to carry on smoking. I realise that this is very selfish of me and
I am ashamed. But that doesn't make the feeling go away.
Answer
If your girlfriend carries on smoking the chances are
high that she will die young - after a long, debilitating and painful illness.
And there's a good chance that, as a passive smoker, you too will die a slow,
painful death.
Maybe you could find another,
safer fetish? Stockings and suspenders? A French maid outfit? If you don't want
to wear these then try to persuade your girlfriend to try them on.
All Tied Up
Question
I've always fantasised
about having sex with a man who was tied up. One night I got tiddly and
confessed this fantasy to my husband. To my surprise he told me that I could tie
him up anytime I wanted. The following morning he reminded me of his offer and
told me he was still serious. So that evening I used three of his ties and a
dressing gown cord to tie him to the bed. I blindfolded him with a pair of 40
denier tights. By the time I'd finished he was ready for sex. I had the most
amazing orgasms of my life. Now we tie each other up regularly for sex and it
has revitalised our sex life together.
Answer
Congratulations.
Just remember not to tie each other up too tightly. And have a code word which
means `Stop! Let me go.' that the person who is tied up can use if he/she wants
to be released. The moral is simple: if you have a sex fantasy don't be shy to
share it with your partner. You might be pleasantly surprised at the result.
Women’s Shoes
Question
Is it normal for a
man to get turned on by sniffing a woman's shoes?
Answer
Unreliable research has shown that 78% of lawyers,
politicians and shoe shop employees can only obtain sexual gratification from
the `inhalation of olfactory stimulative pedal vapours'. So unless this man is a
lawyer, politician or shoe shop employee he is a pervert and should be spanked
lightly for 20 minutes every evening.
Long-haired Lover
Question
My boyfriend
doesn't like me to shave at all. He says he likes me with hairy armpits and
hairy legs. I don't really mind (though it does make me rather reluctant to go
out in sleeveless dresses) but I wonder if you have heard of this fetish before.
Answer
Maybe your boyfriend has some Italian or Spanish blood
sloshing around somewhere in his veins. Italian and Spanish men love their women
hairy - which is just as well since 65% of Italian and Spanish women over the
age of 55 are so hirsute that they have moustaches which would make Groucho Marx
green with envy.
Water Bed
Question
My husband wants to buy
a waterbed. He says they are very sexy. But I get seasick very easily and I am
not at all sure that the expense would be worthwhile. I am also worried about a
possible puncture since we live in a ninth floor flat.
Answer
You could have a wet run with an inflatable airbed in
your local swimming pool - just to see how you feel. But keep your bathing
costume on or else you will be breaking at least 16 local byelaws and probably
frightening the pool attendants too. If you do buy a waterbed leave your high
heels in another room and don't let your fingernails grow too long. The
delicious and insatiable Eva Legova, Europe's most experienced woman in
horizontal gymnastic events tells me that waterbeds are highly overrated and
that you might be better off spending your money on a French maid's uniform (or
two French maids uniforms if you are feeling particularly kinky).
Son's Collection
Question
I recently found
a collection of dirty magazines hidden in my son's room. The magazines are all
full of pictures of naked women. My son is away for three weeks. I am not sure
what to do with the magazines.
Answer
You should be relieved
that your son is turned on by pictures of naked women. It could be worse. You
might have found a collection of political manifestos or a pile of magazines
full of pictures of guns and hunting. Put the magazines back where you found
them. You were wrong to remove items which were in your son's room. Do not worry
about him looking at pictures of naked women. He will not go mad or
short-sighted or turn into a drooling idiot through looking at such pictures.
A Couple Of Lesbians
Question
A girl I work
with recently asked me to spend a week with her in Spain. She is divorced and
didn't want to go away alone. I am single and female. We shared a room to cut
costs and on our second night here, while a bit tiddly, we ended up in bed
together. To cut a long story short I had the best sex I have ever had and we
slept together every night. It was amazing. Now that we are back in England we
are continuing our physical relationship. She wants me to move in with her but I
am a bit reluctant because I know that a lot of people will think we are a
couple of lesbians.
Answer
But you are a couple of lesbians.
Why be ashamed? You have absolutely nothing to be guilty about. Ignore the
gossips and enjoy your life.
Woman To Woman
Question
My girlfriend wants
me to let her sleep with other women. She says it won't be a threat to our
relationship and that what she wants to do isn't the same as being unfaithful.
Answer
Of course it will be a threat to your relationship.
There are several million women around in the world who have relationships with
other women. They regard themselves as having real relationships. If your
girlfriend sleeps around she is unfaithful. The genital architecture of the
people she sleeps with is irrelevant.
Am I A Pervert?
Question
My husband got upset
with me the other night. He put me over his knee and spanked me. I didn't dare
tell him but it really turned me on and afterwards I really wanted him. Am I a
pervert? Should I tell him how I felt?
Answer
The answers to
your questions are: `Yes, probably but who cares?' and `Yes, because otherwise
you will both miss out on a lot of harmless fun unless you spend all your time
trying to think up new ways to be naughty.' An utterly unreliable survey
conducted by a team of bathukolpian barmaids studying the history of lacrosse at
the University of Totnes showed that 97.6% of healthy men and women get turned
on by a little light mutually accepted spanking.
Dirty Talk
Question
My boyfriend talks
dirty to me in bed and it really turns me on. Last Saturday he told me that he
was going to take me into a nearby wood, strip me naked, tie me to a tree,
blindfold me and leave me there while he hid in the bushes. I got very turned on
when he then told me what he thought might happen when men walking in the woods
found me. I can't get this scenario out of my mind. How can I tell him that I
would like to turn the fantasy into reality? Do you think he will be offended?
Answer
I think he'll probably be surprised. And so will you
when 15 members of the Old Bilburians Rugby Club stagger along on a training
run. Followed by 24 boy scouts. And 14 lonely men taking their dogs for a walk.
If you still want to turn this fantasy into reality make sure your boyfriend
pins a carrier bag full of extra strength condoms to the tree. And pray that
they get used. Finally, don't plan to go on any long bicycle rides for a month
or so after your day in the woods.
Fancy Dress
Question
My husband wants me to
make love wearing a plastic mac, a souwester and rubber boots. Is this
normal?
Answer
If you live in Manchester and have a leaky roof,
dressing as you describe could probably be referred to as taking sensible
precautions.
Kinky Husband
Question
My husband wants me
to make love while wearing stockings and suspenders. Is this kinky?
Answer
No. It is entirely normal. It is, perhaps, a little bit
kinky if he wants to wear the stockings and suspenders. But why worry? No one is
getting hurt.
Snow Balls
Question
My wife has a fantasy
about making love in the snow. I want to make her fantasy come true and I'm
planning a holiday in Switzerland this winter. Do you think we need worry about
frostbite?
Answer
The short answer is `yes'. The long answer
is `it depends how long you take'. If you try to get your wife's cow bells
jingling by getting your alpine horn out in sub zero weather then you risk
losing all or part of it to Jack Frost whose cold and greedy fingers are ever
watchful for such opportunities. I recommend a compromise. Grope in the snow and
consummate in your hotel.
Porn Again
Question
Is it true that
pornography is unhealthy?
Answer
No. On the contrary,
pornography is far healthier than hunting, shooting or eating meat. It is also
common and popular. Pornography is so popular and well established in civilised
societies that anyone who disapproves is, by definition, a pervert. Opponents of
pornography should be wrapped in rubber, covered in whipped cream and given a
whipping with yards of flimsy red lingerie.
Rising To The Occasion
Question
I've been
going out with my present girlfriend for four weeks and I realised on our first
date that she was more experienced than I am in sexual matters. She now wants me
to sleep with her and a girlfriend of hers. Part of me is excited but I'm also
terrified at what I'm getting into. I'm also worried about whether I will be
able to perform adequately.
Answer
I suspect that you don't
need to worry too much about your performance. If you fail to rise to the
occasion your girlfriend and her pal will probably find something to do without
you. More importantly, however, is your attitude to the whole affair. If you
aren't happy about mass marketing your sexual skills then say so now.
Going For The Record
Question
I want to go for
the world record gang bang. I've talked it over with my husband and we both
think this is the best way to kick-start my career as a singer. I work in a bank
and I don't think I can stand it for much longer.
Answer
A
world record breaking gang bang could be a quick way to achieve notoriety. But
don't make the mistake of thinking that notoriety is the same as fame. You won't
stay famous - or get rich - just by providing personal accommodation for a
plane-load of eager depositors.
And there are
a whole host of practical problems to sort out. Where are you going to find the
men? You can hardly put up a postcard in your village shop. How are you going to
be sure that they are all healthy and won't leave you with unpleasant souvenirs
of your adventure? And how are you and your husband going to feel about this
when it's happened and you have become the talk of the town?
14.
Poor Performance
Anxious To Perform
Question
Two months I
started to go out with a girl I've been fancying for nearly a year. Our
relationship has slowly developed and last Saturday we ended up in bed together.
It was a disaster. I was very excited and anxious to perform well but I couldn't
even get an erection. The following day I woke up with an erection after
dreaming about her. My doctor checked things out for me but could find nothing
wrong.
Answer
It sounds to me as though your performance
failure may have been a result of stress and high expectations. It is not at all
uncommon for men to fail to get their pocket rocket into orbit under the sort of
circumstances you describe. The fact that you managed to obtain an unsolicited
erection suggests that your equipment is in good working condition and that the
problem was more mental than physical. See if you can get a chance at a few
repeat bookings. Tell the girl you disappointed that even bad television
programmes get a second and third chance these days.
Scared Stiff
Question
My boyfriend's
erection is not very firm. Do you have any suggestions to
make?
Answer
Next time you are planning to make love stand
behind him and shout `boo'. This should scare him stiff.
Spoil Sport
Question
My boyfriend is sports
mad. But he isn't very interested in sex. Have you heard of this before? I think
I'm going to dump him. I enjoy sex normally but with him it's a real
disappointment.
Answer
Many sports players and sports fans
make pretty ineffective lovers. Dart players just want to stand at the end of
the bed and take careful aim. Cricketers just want to keep score. Soccer players
dribble all over the bed. Golfers are only interested in getting into the hole
with the smallest number of attempts. Sailors shout avast and heave ho at
crucial moments and only function properly if they have bucketfuls of cold water
thrown over them at regular intervals. And Rugby players, who don't care what
they do as long as they get really muddy doing it, usually prefer a scrub down
or a bath with the lads to an evening with a woman of their dreams. (There is a
widespread suspicion, justifiably held I suspect, that a proportion of rugby
players are as queer as nine bob notes.)
Poor Performance
Question
My husband is a
keen amateur footballer. He plays football every Sunday afternoon and won't have
sex with me on Fridays or Saturdays because his coach has told him that it will
affect his performance. He does his exercises, then gets into bed and goes to
sleep. I'm pretty fed up with this. Is the coach right?
Answer
One lot of researchers have discovered that sex before
sport is good for women but bad for men. Another lot actually claim that men
perform better when they have sex the night before because it boosts their
testosterone levels and makes them compete harder. But who knows? And, to be
honest, who cares? What sporting event that doesn't involve a prize with at
least 15 noughts after the initial figure (in sterling not euros) can possibly
be worth a whole night of abstinence? Any sportsman who gives up sex so that he
can have a better chance of winning deserves to lose. Your husband is a prat.
Buy one of those pink, buzzy things and an economy pack of batteries.
Silent Night
Question
I've heard of men
falling asleep after sex but my husband falls asleep before sex. Just when I
think it's going to be my lucky night he starts to snore and drops off.
Answer
Have you tried catching hold of him in the morning?
There is a good chance that he may be more alert and less likely to nod off at
that time of day. Set the alarm clock for half an hour early - unless he is
Welsh in which case an extra two minutes will probably be more than enough.
Unable To Satisfy
Question
My girlfriend
loves sex. She can't get enough of it but I just don't seem able to satisfy her.
I've never come across a girl like her before.
Answer
If you
keep coming across your girlfriend you are bound to leave her disappointed. I
suggest that you reappraise your target.
No Action
Question
I get very excited when
my husband talks dirty to me. But he never actually does anything very much. He
tells me what he's going to do to me, and gets me very excited, but once the
action starts it's usually over in less than five minutes. He's always snoring
before I've really got started. You will not be surprised to hear that I am very
frustrated as a result.
Answer
Why not tell him what you've
told me? If he's a gentleman he will happily spend more time satisfying your
needs before getting down to the main event.
15. Tarts
The School Reunion
Question
I went to a school
reunion and met an old boyfriend. We hit it off straight away and within an hour
we were having sex in our old classroom. Two other guys came into the room just
as we finished and although I'm still not quite sure how it happened I ended up
having sex with both of them as well. It was the most incredible sexual
experience of my life and although I know I should feel dirty and ashamed I
wouldn't have missed it for the world. Do you think I behaved like a
floozie?
Answer
Draw a twelve inch long line with the word
`nun' at the left edge and the word `tart' at the right edge. A survey of 347
passers-by confirms that your behaviour would put you about eleven and three
quarter inches from the left end of the line.
But, what the hell. As long as you didn't get pregnant or contract any
unpleasant diseases at least you now have some happy school memories to sustain
you through your old age.
Feeling Used
Question
I met a boy at a
nightclub three weeks ago. I had quite a bit to drink and although I've never
done anything like it before I let him make love to me in an alleyway behind the
nightclub. Afterwards he told me that he wanted to see me again and took my
telephone number. But he hasn't rung and although I have seen him around once or
twice he has shown no interest in coming over to talk to me. Now I am beginning
to feel that I was used. I feel disgusted with myself.
Answer
You were used. But when one person uses another for sex
both participants are cheapened by the experience. You can console yourself with
the thought that you have learned from this experience. He, on the other hand,
will undoubtedly continue to cheapen himself until whatever value he may ever
have had will have been entirely dissipated.
A Bad Reputation
Question
When I first
started to go out with my present girlfriend she told me that she had slept with
three other men. However, my mates have since told me that she has a reputation
as having been quite a tart. One warned me that she was known as a `bit of a
slapper', another said she was a `right slag'. A third, who went out with her
for a while, said she had sex with at least three blokes while she was going out
with him.
Answer
What nauseating people you've been mixing
with. I sincerely hope you told these so-called friends what contemptible
creatures they are. I also hope you made it clear that you didn't want to see
them again. They sound as though they have the collective charm of a gang of
scrofulous and gossipy washerwomen.
It's not
uncommon for women to downgrade the number of lovers they've had when starting a
new relationship. We live in an unfair world and although it is usually
considered perfectly acceptable (preferable even) for a man to have a lot of
lovers it is still considered rather iffy for a woman to confess to having a
little experience in this area of human
endeavour.
Your girlfriend may or may not have
been modest in her estimate of previous lovers but I am sure that if you love
her you will regard this question as of purely academic importance. The only
thing that really matters now is whether you believe she is going to be faithful
to you (and, of course, whether you're going to be faithful to her).
Mutton Dressed As Lamb
Question
I'm in my
late 30s and for at least ten years I've avoided wearing short skirts, tight
jumpers and other clothes that might make me look like `mutton dressed as lamb'.
But my new boyfriend likes me to dress in sexy, provocative clothes and so I've
bought some very daring clothes recently. In fact when I go out now I suspect
that I look rather tarty. The problem is that I enjoy it. I feel really good
when men look at me. I enjoy showing lots of leg and cleavage. Do you think what
I'm doing is wrong? I value your opinion. Do you think that by looking tarty I'm
turning into a tart?
Answer
Not in the slightest. Think of
yourself as having entered a form of show business. By showing some leg and
cleavage you are adding smiles to a world which is desperately in need of them.
Keeping Silent
Question
My husband works
away from home and last Friday a girl friend whose husband also works away from
home asked me to go to a disco with her - about 30 miles from where we live. We
dressed up a bit, had a few drinks and got picked up by five young lads. We went
back to a flat with them.
I was sitting
talking to two of the boys when I looked round and saw that my friend was
half-naked and was having sex with one of the blokes. I was turned on. I don't
know what got into me but when one of the boys started to fondle my breasts I
didn't do anything to stop him. A few moments later I was kneeling beside my
friend having sex with two strangers. We stayed the night and both did it with
all the guys. I've never done anything like it before. They didn't use condoms
but I'm not worried because I'm on the pill. I am, however, full of guilt and
worried sick that my husband will find out. Do you think I should write and tell
him what happened?
Answer
You wouldn't be normal if you didn't
feel guilty and apprehensive. But I'm afraid that's the price you have to pay
for your wild night out. Neither you nor your husband has anything to gain from
a burst of honesty on your part. Unless he is very understanding or you want to
end the marriage I don't think you should tell your husband. This is one memory
you can't share.
Meanwhile, drag yourself to
the Sexually Transmitted Disease clinic at your local hospital (also known as
the `embarrassing itches, rashes and yucky discharge department') and ask them
to check you out.
Disloyal Girlfriend
Question
My girlfriend
is gorgeous and fantastic in bed but even she admits that she isn't very bright.
She isn't very loyal either. I have to work away from home several times a month
and while I'm away she goes out with anyone who'll buy her a few drinks. When I
pointed out that she didn't have to go to bed with everyone who bought her a
drink she said she thought that a girl had an obligation to have sex with a man
if he spent money on her.
Answer
Your girlfriend is thick,
tasty, satisfying and clearly readily available to just about anyone. It is
pretty clear that you would be just as well off with a pot of strawberry yoghurt
- which is also thick, tasty, satisfying and readily available.
A Bit Of Rough
Question
My sister, who is
in her late 30s, is divorced and quite well off. She has acquired a taste for
what she calls `a bit of rough' and two or three times a week she cruises local
pubs and bars in the seedier parts of town picking up men. She has sex with the
men (usually in a back alley, sometimes in their flat if they have one) and then
gets a taxi back home at three or four in the morning. Some nights she'll have
sex with three or four men. I'm not criticising her behaviour (I'm no angel
myself) but I am worried for her safety. She has been fairly badly beaten up
twice (fortunately nothing was broken) and gang raped once (she didn't tell the
police because she didn't want to have to explain what she had been doing in the
area in the first place). She seems to enjoy the danger and being treated like a
cheap hooker.
Answer
Urgently try to persuade your sister to
change her dangerous habits. She would almost certainly be much safer visiting a
fetish club. And she would be safer still if she found a boyfriend with whom she
could act out her fantasies. The chances are high that her current lifestyle
will eventually lead to far more than tears and a few bruises.
Game For A Laugh
Question
I am 22, female
and blonde. I love going to clubs with my girlfriend. We always dress in very
sexy clothes. We dance together and play a game to see how many men chat us up.
If men get too pushy we tell them that we're lesbians. Last Saturday we told a
crowd of blokes that we were lesbians. We kissed a bit and cuddled to make it
look convincing. The blokes wanted to watch us make love. We told them they'd
have to pay us £100 not expecting them to find the money. When they had a
collection and came up with the £100 we chickened out and ran away. But I really
enjoyed kissing my girlfriend and I'm pretty sure she was turned on too. I was
also turned on by the idea of a group of blokes watching us make love. We've
agreed to try the same trick again next Saturday - but to go really through with
it if we find blokes who come up with the money.
Answer
Congratulations on your decision to move into show
business. Since you will presumably be showing quite a lot you will be entering
the business at a very high level. I wish you well and look forward to seeing
you on Channel 4 in the near future.
However,
do please make sure that you take care. When you and your girlfriend are
performing you will be vulnerable. It might be wise to take along a `minder' who
can ensure that members of the audience don't decide to join in. And remember
that although you are unlikely to get pregnant when making love with your
girlfriend (it isn't impossible by the way) you can still contract a sexually
transmitted infection.
Dirty Dressing
Question
I went to a fancy
dress party the other night dressed as a tart. My boobs were half hanging out of
my blouse and my skirt was so short that it didn't reach the top of my
stockings. My husband was a bit shocked at first but before the evening was over
he was very obviously excited by it all. We stopped the car on the way home and
made love on the back seat. It's the first time we've done anything so
spontaneous for years. Afterwards he confessed that he had been very aroused by
watching me walk around with most of my body on display. And he said that he
found it exciting to watch other men staring at me. I found it all a turn on
too. Are we perverts? I'm very worried about this because I work in a bank and
he is an accountant and we don't usually behave like this.
Answer
Stop worrying about the label and enjoy the
consequences. It sounds as if your dirty dressing gave your sex life a very
welcome boost. I suggest that you get yourselves invited to more fancy dress
parties. Or, for real fun, just tart yourself up for your weekly supermarket
shopping trip.
Playing Away
Question
I went on holiday
with a girlfriend recently. We were supposed to be sharing a room but I hardly
saw her. She admitted that she had slept with six different men in the week we
were away. She says all girls do this on holiday these days and that it's our
turn to use men just for sex.
Answer
Your girlfriend seems not
to have realised that while she may have been using those six men they were
using her too. Recent figures showed that the incidence of serious sexually
transmitted diseases among young women is rocketing. I'm not in the slightest
bit surprised. I blame those people who encourage young women to regard men as
little more than sex objects. Such an attitude doesn't liberate women from
sexism - it merely ensures the continuation of the war between the sexes and
results in thousands of young women limping home on a Saturday night with
gonorrhoea.
16. Bits And Pieces
A Short Tale
Question
I read with great
interest a recent letter you published from a man with a small penis. My penis
is just three inches long when fully erect. Do you think this is long enough?
Answer
Long enough for what? It isn't long enough to act as a
bridge over the Channel. It isn't long enough to stir custard. And it isn't long
enough to get you a starring part in a porn movie. But it is perfectly long
enough to enable you to satisfy a woman, father a child, pee up a wall and do
all the other important things men like to do with these things. A twitch of
leading psychiatrists, led by Eva Legova (the best known of the Norfolk broads)
recently reported that under-endowed men are better performers in bed because
they try harder.
Foot Fetish
Question
I was already married
when I discovered that my husband had a thing about feet. He hadn't said
anything about it before we married but he loves caressing and touching my feet
and if he goes away on business he always takes a pair of my shoes with him in
his case. (Heaven knows what customs would think if they ever stopped him and
went through his bag). I confess I quite enjoy the foot massages but it's all a
bit odd isn't it?
Answer
Odd, maybe. But what's the problem?
Everyone has a quirk or two - it's what makes us all different and special. Some
men collect used telephone cards or old medals. Many watch football, wear frocks
or go potholing. There are even some, for heaven's sake, who play golf. Your
husband is a foot fetishist and his idea of joy would probably be a job as a
shoe shop assistant. Things could be much worse. The Welsh Princess suggests
that you count your blessings and stop complaining.
A Big Tit
Question
My boyfriend wants me to
have breast enlargement surgery. My bust size is 34B and he says he would like
me to go up to a 34D at least. I am a little worried about the health hazards
but don't want to lose him. What do you think I should do?
Answer
If you have the operation your boyfriend wants you to
have there will be three big tits in your relationship. And that is one too
many. I suggest you tell him that he needs surgery of his own. Tell him to go
away and come back when he has had a penis enlargement operation and is six
inches taller.
Get Shorty
Question
My girlfriend is much
shorter than I am. When we get round to the bedroom side of things do you think
we will still be able to do it satisfactorily?
Answer
Most of
the difference between tall people and short people is in the legs. The result
is that from a practical point of view we are all pretty much the same size in
bed. Your toes probably won't touch her toes. But unless you're a foot fetishist
with an unusual kink who the hell cares about toes? I am confident that you'll
be able to get the essential bits together.
Not Up To Size
Question
Does penis length
really matter?
Answer
Size matters much more to men than to
women. And men who are under-endowed in the trouser filling department always
strive to over achieve. Evidence for this lies in the fact that Eva Legova (who
knows about these things) tells me that the entire Labour government doesn't
have more than three inches of erectile tissue between them.
Play Time
Question
My husband likes to play
with my breasts. He is very gentle but usually does this for about ten minutes
every evening when we go to bed. I don't mind and usually read a book while he
does it. Is this practice likely to lead to any problems?
Answer
If the lighting in your bedroom is poor then you could
get headaches. A well-situated bedside lamp should help avoid this problem.
Your husband's habit of playing with your
breasts is unlikely to lead to any problems at all - assuming that he leaves
them in situ.
Why not give him (and possibly
yourself) a thrill one evening by putting down your book and finding a little
something of his to fondle? Who knows, you might even enjoy the experience.
Tiny Todger
Question
I recently had a date
with a really nice bloke. He was the sweetest, kindest man I've been out with. I
invited him back to my place but when he got undressed I had the shock of my
life. He had the smallest penis I've ever seen. It was minute - about the size
of my little finger. I was horrified. He obviously wasn't going to be able to
give me any satisfaction so I told him to get dressed and I sent him home. He
seemed very upset but I think it was me who had a right to feel peeved. I'd
wasted a whole evening on this bloke. Don't you think he should have told me
about his tiny todger before we had our date?
Answer
What's
that word used to describe a female dog? It's a word beginning with the second
letter of the alphabet and if I could think of it then I'm confident that it
would sum up what I think of you.
If a man
behaved as you did and threw out a woman because he didn't like the look of part
of her body he would, quite rightly, be described as callous, crude and
completely lacking in any of the qualities normally associated with a sentient
being.
I've suddenly realised that the word I
was looking earlier was `bitch'. But the word is far too good for you. I hope
your next lover has a penis the size of a telegraph pole and that he has a
preference for the type of sex now widely known as `forbidden'.
Cold Feet
Question
My husband and I are
going to Spain next month. We went last year and while we were there we couldn't
help but notice that a lot of women were sunbathing topless. I recklessly told
my husband that if we went again I'd go topless too and he's never forgotten the
promise. He seems turned on by the idea of me sitting around with my boobs on
show. However, I'm getting cold feet. My boobs are quite big and they have begun
to sag. I am determined not to chicken out but a few words of encouragement
would help.
Answer
Breasts don't have to point upwards or even
outwards to be beautiful. Those with doctorates in Advanced Mammary Observation
(breast watching) confirm that breasts of all shapes and sizes are a delight.
Variety gives spice to the breast watcher's life and I have no doubt that your
contribution to the scenery will add a great deal to the view. Display your
assets with pride.
In Need Of Support
Question
My girlfriend
has very big breasts. She takes a 40EE bra. Her breasts were the first thing I
noticed about her and I still think they are her best feature. She really stands
out in a crowd. I was choked when she told me she wants to have breast reduction
surgery. How can she do this?
Answer
Women with unusually
well-developed mammary glands usually put their complaints into two categories:
physical and mental. The physical complaints include backache, shoulder pains,
skin problems under the breasts and an inability to play snooker without being
penalised for fouling the balls. The mental complaints include being treated as
an appendage by men who can't see any further than two large breasts. Your
girlfriend needs your support (even more than she needs a good bra) but I
suspect that your own attachment to her suckling equipment may be one of the
reasons why she is contemplating this act of mammary vandalism.
Hokey-kokey
Question
I am worried about the
fact that my testicles hang at different heights.
Answer
The
left one is usually slightly lower than the one on the right. This is to stop
them knocking into one another when you are doing the hokey-kokey.
Seasick
Question
I live on a busy road and
every evening a constant stream of joggers struggle past my door. By the time my
dinner is ready I feel seasick after watching all the women joggers jiggle past.
There should be a law against it.
Answer
There are laws
against most things and if you look hard enough I am sure you will find some
good reason to complain to your local council. Alternatively, you could simply
draw your curtains.
Sensitive
Question
What is the most
sensitive part of the penis?
Answer
The bit she's touching.
Small Willy
Question
My boyfriend has a
rather small willy. I was a bit disappointed at first but these days I really
don't mind at all. He's a good lover and I enjoy sex with him more than I have
ever enjoyed sex with better-endowed men. The trouble is that my boyfriend is
constantly worrying about what he's got (or, rather, what he's not got). My
friend says that I'll never be able to stop him worrying. Do you think she's
right?
Answer
Your friend is totally wrong and very defeatist
and should stick to giving advice on houseplants and hats. Most men have never
seen another erect penis. They have no real idea whether what they have is
family, economy, medium or pocket sized. Tell him that what he has is more than
enough. Do a little lily gilding. Tell him that if it were any bigger it would
hurt. Tell him that he's the best lover you've ever had. Then tell him again.
Big Feet
Question
Is it true what they say
about men with big feet?
Answer
Yes. They wear big shoes.
Bandy-legged
Question
I am going out and
think I am falling in love with a man I met at a wedding ten days ago. We
haven't been to bed together yet but I am very worried that I may not be able to
cope with him when the time comes. A girlfriend of mine who has slept with him
laughed when I told her who I was going out with. She said I'd be walking bandy
legged when we start sleeping together. She says he is by far the best-endowed
man she's ever met. They had a row and she says she's regretted it ever since.
How can I prepare myself? I'm by no means a virgin but are there any special
exercises I can do to prepare myself?
Answer
I'm sure you will
be able to cope. Just think of a baby's head. If your new lover-to-be is likely
to pose more of a problem than that then you should perhaps encourage him to
obtain a contract with a theatrical agency.
Cut Down To Size
Question
My wife takes
every opportunity to remind me of the size of her last husband's organ. I find
this constant referral to another man's penis demeaning, depressing and
dispiriting. We had dinner with friends last Saturday and she even found an
excuse to mention the unusual size of his appendage on that thoroughly
inappropriate occasion. Naturally, an unfavourable comparison was made to my own
noticeably less dramatic equipment. I have never been a confident person but my
wife has succeeded in making me feel even more inadequate than I felt before we
married. I have mentioned all this on several occasions but my protests are
always met with sneers and laughter.
Answer
What a thoroughly
unpleasant person your wife is. I suggest you pack your bags and leave her to
enjoy her memories. Before you go put a baseball bat on her pillow with simple
instructions for its use. Your wife and the baseball bat should have a long and
fruitful relationship; one which will supplement the memories of her engorged
and oversized former spouse.
Mr Average
Question
How do I measure my
penis? And what is average?
Answer
The average penis is
between 5 and 7 inches long, except in Scotland and Wales where the average
length is between 2 and 3 inches. When measuring a penis it is customary to
measure the topside. If you want to acquire an extra inch simply measure the
underside instead. Bingo! In one burst you can go from being Mr Average to being
the biggest swinger in town. (I'm told by people who know, that you must measure
it in centimetres or else the local Trading Standards Officer will come round
and chop it off. But centimetres are foreign so stuff that.)
Parting Words
Question
I am not sure
whether my penis is above or below average size. One previous girlfriend told
me, when we parted, that I had a very small penis. My current girlfriend says
that I've got a huge penis - the biggest she's ever seen (though since she has
also told me that she was a virgin when we met that isn't particularly
surprising). Which of them should I believe?
Answer
Your
previous amour's parting shot may have simply been a cheap jibe, skilfully
designed and aimed to wound. On the other hand your present mistress's
enthusiasm may (whatever her previous experience) be simply intended as kindly
encouragement. Every woman instinctively knows that the quickest way to a man's
heart (far quicker and more accurate than merely cooking him a pleasing
vegetable hotpot) is to tell him that he is generously endowed in the between
the legs department.
Dissatisfied Girlfriend
Question
My
girlfriend says that my penis is too small to satisfy her properly. She wants me
to have surgery to make it bigger, though I have never had any complaints
before.
Answer
Tell her that your penis is fine - but that her
vagina is too big.
Small Wotsit
Question
I have a very small
wotsit. I find it difficult to start a new relationship with a woman because I
know that she will be disappointed when we get into bed.
Answer
Despite what you may have read and heard size is not
everything. There are still some women out there who prefer a modestly endowed
lover who is patient, courteous, gentle, caring and skilful to a selfish but
well-endowed brute. Teach yourself how to please and satisfy a woman and you may
be pleasantly surprised at the result.
Alternatively, the Welsh Princess suggests that you try looking for a Japanese
wife. Japanese men are reputed to have the smallest equipment in the world. Or
buy a packet of condoms made for use by Japanese men. The experience should make
you feel like a well-endowed king.
Measuring Up
Question
A penfriend tells me
that there is a dating agency in America which only accepts men on its books if
they have penises that are at least ten inches long. My penfriend says she knows
about the agency because she saw a TV interview with the (lucky) woman whose job
it is to check out male applicants to see if they measure up. Do you know if
there is a similar organisation here? I'm a keen feminist but I see nothing
wrong with enjoying sex and this agency sounds great fun. I get really turned on
by the sight and feel of a well-endowed male.
Answer
I bet a
nuclear powered twelve speed vibrator to a rotten banana that you'd pull an ugly
face, scream `sexism' and burn a bra if anyone opened a dating agency catering
for men wanting large breasted women. I have no idea whether or not there is an
agency of the type you describe in your area and I have no intention of trying
to find out. (I do feel however that there is probably an agency somewhere which
specialises in men who have extremely modestly sized organs which only stand up
when the National Anthem is played). Women who will only go out with a man
because he has got a big dick are as shallow and superficial as men who will
only go out with bathukolpian women with breasts as big as planets.
Accessories
Question
My nipples are quite
large. I am very shy about letting my boyfriend see my breasts in case he
doesn't like them. Do men get turned off by big nipples? (Incidentally, my
nipples get even bigger when I am aroused.)
Answer
Stop
worrying and start sharing. Most men like breasts and nipples of all shapes and
sizes and if your boyfriend loves you he'll love your accessories -whatever
their shape and size. (Incidentally, men are particularly likely to be turned on
when a woman's nipples respond to stimulation. It sounds to me as though the
unveiling is likely to be a cause of great joy all round.)
Lack Of Foresight
Question
Why are so many
men circumcised? Is it healthier? I am pregnant. If I have a boy should I have
him done?
Answer
Very occasionally, a foreskin cannot be
pushed right back. When that happens circumcision may be an appropriate answer.
I know of no other logical or sensible reason for removing an essential and
immensely useful piece of skin. As long as the foreskin can be pushed back the
glans can be kept perfectly clean. One advantage of a foreskin is that it helps
to protect the glans and stop it being desensitised by constant exposure to the
fabric of underwear. I wonder what they do with all the foreskins which are
removed. Do eager members of the W.I. knit them into blankets for the cold and
underprivileged?
Forbidden Sex (Bugger Me!)
Question
My
husband wants to make love to me using the aperture which is, I believe, most
commonly favoured by male homosexuals.
Answer
Quasimodo, the
famous French full back, once said, `I hate being buggered. It's a pain in the
ass.' On the other hand, many others find it a satisfying and even pleasurable
experience. The key is that you should not find any sexual experience painful.
Lubrication is important and should help minimise discomfort. There are a number
of hazards. For example, you should remember that AIDS is said to be a
particularly significant hazard when this form of sexual activity is
contemplated.
17. Gay Times
Nipple Erections
Question
Is it true that
all men who get nipple erections are gay? I am in the army and my mates use this
test to find out whether a bloke is gay. My mates claim that any bloke who has a
nipple erection is bent.
Answer
Nipples are nipples and a
man's nipples are just as capable of being erect as are a woman's. Nipple
erection is much less a sign of homosexuality than is the habit of dressing up
in itchy and poorly fitting khaki uniform and then marching up and down a patch
of concrete. You should also be aware that loudly shouting out instructions such
as `Attention!' `Stand At Ease!' and `Stand Easy' are firm signs of
homosexuality. If homosexuality worries you then you should keep well away from
any who exhibit these symptoms.
Top Or Bottom?
Question
Is it true that men
who like women's bottoms more than their breasts are likely to be gay? My
boyfriend is a real `bottoms' man. He is always turned on when he sees a woman
in a tight pair of jeans. But unlike all the previous lovers I have had he never
takes much notice of breasts - however prominent or attractively displayed.
Answer
Independent but entirely worthless research conducted
by Walter Wallkarpet and Matt E. Mulchen of the Walsall and District Large
Breasted Girls Appreciation Society has shown that 94.6% of North European men
who prefer bottoms to breasts are gay, predominantly gay or are strongly bent in
that direction. However, research conducted by the Betty Cleavage Memorial
Formation Dancing Team of Naples (twinned with Budleigh Salterton in Devon) has
shown that men from Southern Europe are likely to have a strong bottom fetish
even if they are thoroughly heterosexual. I hope this helps to confuse you.
Pirates
Question
My girlfriend says that
men who wear only one earring are gay. Is she right?
Answer
Not
necessarily. A survey of 100 men wearing one earring showed that 15% were gay,
16% couldn't afford to buy two earrings, 2% were pirates and the rest had
started out with two but had lost one.
Coming Out
Question
A bloke in our pub is
always going on about gays. I'm not gay but I've got a couple of pals who are
that way and I hate it when he keeps sounding off. He can't get through an
evening without having another tirade about gays.
Answer
My
friend Eva Legova who knows everything worth knowing about gardening and sex
tells me that in her experience those people who are most antagonistic towards
gays are most likely to have secret leanings in that direction. Your unwelcome
and noisy companion in the pub is, therefore, probably gay - though he clearly
has not yet realised this.
Sexual Preferences
Question
I work with a
guy who is gay. I don't mind him being gay but he tells me about his sexual
preferences at least ten times a day. His sexuality seems to affect everything
he does and says. He never seems to want to talk about anything other than his
male lovers and what he has done, or intends to do, with, to or at them.
Answer
Your only option is to tell him that he is boring you.
But the chances are that he will then condemn you for being homophobic. (In just
the same way that any criticism of Jews or Israel is immediately defined as
being a sign of anti-Semitism.) You are not the first to be aware of this
problem. The famous Rabbi Burns once said: `I have no prejudices against
homosexuals but I don't like it when they keep ramming it down my throat'.
Gentle Guy
Question
My husband has always
liked doing things around the house. He enjoys picking out towels and bed linen
with me at the shops and spends most evenings knitting or doing embroidery in
front of the television. He is very gentle, cries at soppy movies and does most
of the cooking. When I told my best friend about all this she said that he is
probably gay and that he will probably run off with a welder or a lorry driver.
Answer
What on earth do you want? A crude, rude hairy thug who
drinks 16 pints of beer every night, vomits on the stairs and falls asleep
before he can remove his trousers? If you love him and he loves you then I
suggest you ignore your `best friend's' gloomy forecast - which is probably born
more of jealousy rather than knowledge. It is not widely known but Attila the
Hun was extremely keen on flower arranging. Every time he made camp he would
rush around collecting wild flowers. He would then spend hours putting the
flowers into vases and making everything look exceedingly pretty. No one ever
dared tell him he was gay.
18. Undies
Not Fit For Pleasure
Question
My boyfriend
always buys me underwear for Christmas and birthdays. If he goes on a trip he
brings me back a pair of panties. When he went away with two of his mates he
brought back a bra from Costa del Sol. Most of the time the underwear he buys me
doesn't fit (he never buys the same size twice) or is totally impractical. What
should I do?
Answer
Buy him underwear that doesn't fit for
every Christmas and birthday until he gets the message.
Brief Encounter
Question
Men seem to find me
attractive but I never seem able to hang onto one. The first month or two are
always fantastic. But then men seem to get bored with me. When my boyfriend took
me to the pub last Saturday I ended up sitting alone while he chatted to his
mates. I have a good figure and no man has ever complained about my performance
in bed. What am I doing wrong?
Answer
Bella Laudli (vital
statistics 78-44-60), the internationally renowned soprano and drainage expert
tells me that she believes that underwear is the secret. `Any type of underwear
is fine,' she says, `as long as it is black, lacy and almost not there at all.'
However, this advice may well be flawed since Bella Laudli admits that her
longest meaningful relationship was with a large box of chocolates given to her
by a Belgian admirer. She confesses that although the relationship with the
chocolates lasted less than an hour this was considerably longer than the
relationship with the Welsh admirer who never even got an opportunity to air his
leek.
My feeling is that although Bella
undoubtedly has a powerful voice (one of her whispers can be heard at 500 yards)
her problem is that she never says anything her potential admirers want to hear.
And maybe you will be more successful with
men if you learn to listen when they talk. Find out what interests them and
encourage them to talk about their passions.
Good sex (and fine underwear) are crucial to a healthy romance but you can't
build and sustain a real relationship without talking, sharing and caring.
Erotic Stuff
Question
Is it normal for a
man to be turned on by the sort of underwear a woman wears? I had always
believed that nice women didn't ever wear the sort of flimsy stuff sold by mail
order and in stores at Christmas time. But I was around at my sister's house the
other day when she was doing her washing and I noticed that all her underwear
was very much sexier than anything I would ever wear. When I asked her about it
she told me that her love life with her husband had improved dramatically since
she gave up `sensible' undies in favour of the erotic stuff.
Answer
Your sister's experience is quite normal. Rich men who
drive fancy cars get more women than poor women who travel by bus. And women
whose underwear needs to be washed by hand are loved more often and more
assiduously than women whose underwear is largely comprised of grey, heavy-duty
wire wool and industrial strength elastic.
Knickerless
Question
When I put on a
skin-tight dress the other evening my panties were clearly visible. So, at my
husband's suggestion, I left them off. I was a little self-conscious and
embarrassed at first but when I saw how excited this made my husband I became
aroused too. Half way through the dinner party we were attending we sneaked into
the gents' loo and made love. Are there any hazards in going out again without
underwear?
Answer
Only if you travel in a low sports car and
wear a very short skirt - in which case a regular close shave would help
disguise your condition. Your new hobby may be a little flashy for some people's
tastes but unreliable research conducted by Gertrude Steinway-Steinway-Steinway
and 323 international television celebrities has shown that you can safely go
out knickerless without any risk of catching a cold down below. Just don't climb
up any ladders or do the can-can in crowded areas unless you know how to do
mouth to mouth resuscitation and like the sound of ambulance sirens.
Dressed To Thrill
Question
Is it true that
men's feelings are affected by the way a woman dresses? Surely this suggests a
rather superficial approach to a relationship.
Answer
Ega
Legova tells me that she recently helped a newly divorced friend sort out her
belongings. She reports that most of her friend's clothes could have
appropriately been put into a box marked `decorating and gardening' and that her
underwear could have been accurately described as of industrial strength. (Eva
tells me that her friend's solitary suspender belt looked strong enough to use
as a tow rope.) The divorced friend had spent six months looking for a new man
without any success whatsoever. After two lengthy visits to the shops (with Eva
as technical adviser) the newly dressed divorcee has become a candle for male
moths.
Superficial it may be. But who doesn't
prefer a well-wrapped present to one handed over in a plastic carrier bag?
Boring Underwear
Question
My wife wears
very boring underwear. Where I work the women wear lacy bras and thongs. My wife
has one black bra. She wears it maybe once a year. I get turned on by a hint of
lacy bra strap but my wife always buys the cheapest she can find. I realise that
there is more to a good wife than underwear but this is driving me crazy.
Answer
Buy her some sexy stuff for Christmas - and telling her
that you've been fantasising about her wearing it. And here's a hint that may
help: remember that you're buying her the underwear for yourself. Buy her a
present too.
19. Dirty Devils
Regrets
Question
My husband and I were
invited to a funeral but he couldn't go because of a pre-arranged business trip
that he couldn't avoid. I went alone and at the wake afterwards got chatting to
a bloke who turned out to be a cousin of the deceased. We had a lot to drink and
shared a taxi back to the hotel where we were staying. In the taxi he started
kissing me and even though I felt very guilty I kissed him back. We spent the
night together in his room. I had the best and most exciting sex I've ever had
in my life. The next morning we said goodbye - both knowing that we shouldn't
see one another again. Now I feel really guilty. Having an affair is bad enough.
But I feel really bad about doing it at a funeral. And to make things worse he's
rung and I want to see him again.
Answer
One night of wild sex
with a stranger can be explained away as a mistake. You can, at least, convince
yourself that you were lonely, emotionally raw and drunk when you did the dirty
deed. It's a secret you have to bear and deal with yourself. But if you have sex
with this man again - in cold blood - you are making a decision that your
marriage is either over or under serious threat. Is that what you want?
Grease And Oil
Question
My husband works in
a garage and when he gets home he is always covered in grease and oil and smells
terrible. I don't mind this at all except for the fact that he always wants a
cuddle and a grope the minute he comes in through the door. I love the physical
side of our relationship but after two minutes of fondling I have to put my
clothes in the laundry basket and have a shower. How can I persuade him to wait
until he's got changed?
Answer
You could try taking all your
clothes off before he gets home. Greet him naked and then have a shower
together. Alternatively, just hand him a bar of soap and a towel as he walks
through the door and tell him you'll meet him in the bedroom in five minutes
time.
Two Sisters
Question
My wife's two young
twin sisters are staying with us. They have made it perfectly clear that they
are both eager for sex with me. They are 16 and well-developed but regularly
wander around the house dressed in very skimpy undies. On several occasions I've
seen them wandering about completely naked.
Answer
Reading
your letter I was reminded of those entertainers who juggle three buzzing chain
saws at once. I strongly suggest that you urgently help these two young sirens
to find alternative accommodation.
Disloyal
Question
I was astonished when I
discovered that my wife had been having an affair with one of my regular golf
partners. How can two people be so disloyal?
Answer
Sadly,
women who are unfaithful to their husbands are most likely to be unfaithful with
a man their husband's know and regard as a friend. I suggest that you find a new
golf partner. It is not possible to play golf with a man who cannot be trusted.
A man who sleeps with your wife might well be the sort of fellow who would kick
his ball into a better lie in the rough.
Some Friend!
Question
I recently discovered
that my girlfriend and my best mate have been having an affair. My best mate is
the randiest person I know and he must have been to bed with several hundred
women. My girlfriend was in tears when I found out about them. She told me that
she only went to bed with him a few times and that on each occasion she couldn't
help herself. She said that he is very sexy and admitted that she found making
love to him very exciting. She told my sister that sex with me had never been as
exciting as sex with him. She insists that she won't go to bed with him again
but can I trust her?
Answer
No. Probably not. I think you
should find yourself a new girlfriend and a new best friend. If your girlfriend
regards sex with you as `second best' she is unlikely to stay faithful for long.
And your alleged best mate sounds as if he is such a lowlife character that he
can probably crawl under carpets without wrinkling them. Ignore them both. You
can do better.
Under Examination
Question
For a month I've
been giving my sister's girlfriend free driving lessons. Two weeks ago we
accidentally kissed and before I knew what had happened we found ourselves in
the back of the car. Now I take her out in my car four or five times a week and
every time we go out we do it. She takes her test in a week and we're worried
about what we'll do if she passes and we lose our excuse to see one another. She
says she'll deliberately fail so that she can keep on seeing me. Do you think
we'll get away with this?
Answer
Yours is certainly a very
special affair. I suppose you might just have been thrown together
`accidentally' by an emergency stop that went wrong and left you with your lips
on hers. But I wonder what unseen, extra-terrestrial force put the two of you in
the back seat of your car?
Given the nature
of the tuition you have provided, your paramour will doubtless find it easy to
fail her test if she has to remain in the front of the car. She may do better if
the examinations are conducted on the back seat.
20. Just Plain
Silly
Why?
Question
Why don't men put the loo
seat back down when they've finished?
Answer
Probably for the
same reason that women don't put it back up when they've finished.
Fat Woman
Question
Why, whenever I fly, do
I always get to sit next to a fat woman who looks like one of those before
pictures that newspaper and magazine editors print when a woman loses a lot of
weight and wins a slimming competition? The rolls of fat always squeeze into my
seat and I am always terrified that some of them will seep through my trousers
and attach themselves to my legs.
Answer
Secret documents have
shown that airlines are deliberately reducing the size of airline seats by an
inch a year in order to increase their already obscene profits. Soon only pencil
stubs and anorexic models will be able to fly. The rest of us will have to find
some other way, hopefully more comfortable way, to move around the planet.
All Four Corners
Question
If I searched all
four corners of the globe I don't think I could possibly find anyone as stupid
as you are.
Answer
Sorry to be pedantic, but how can a globe
possibly have four corners?
Navel Fluff
Question
Why is navel fluff
always purple?
Answer
A team of government scientists have
just been given a grant of £7 billion to investigate this crucial question. The
highly qualified scientists, all aged between 14 and 16, are also hoping to find
out why slugs don't eat weeds and how to make a peephole into the changing room
used by sixth form girls when they are getting ready for gym and hockey.
Home Help
Question
I have just discovered
that my father is having an affair with the home help. He is 82 and she is 26.
What should I do?
Answer
Ask him to write down what he eats
and send me the details so that I can share them with the rest of the world.
First Date
Question
How far should a girl
let a boy go on a first date?
Answer
Brighton is much too far.
So are other seaside resorts traditionally favoured by aficionados of `Le Dirty
Weekend'. The Welsh Princess reminds me that those wonderfully erotic devices
which hold up silky stockings are called `suspenders' because they signify the
point at which girls traditionally keep their would-be lovers in `suspense' for
as long as possible. Whether you allow his wandering hands to reach this point
on a first, second or third date is a decision you must make yourself.
Becoming A Model
Question
I would like to
become a model. Can you please tell me what qualifications I would need to enter
the profession?
Answer
Japanese scientist Percy Liverwurst
(famous for his monograph `Twenty Things To Do With A Bamboo Splinter') claims
that modelling must surely be one of the world's most undemanding and overpaid
jobs (he says it would be absurd to describe it as a profession, an art or even
a trade) and points out that the only requirements for modelling are an IQ lower
than your shoe size and an ability to take yourself seriously while prancing
around in hideous and obscenely expensive frocks. He adds that in his opinion
most fashion models are expected to have the same amount of personal charisma as
one of those plastic mannequins that department store window dressers use to
display the latest products.
No-go Area
Question
Could you please tell
me where to touch a woman to turn her on?
Answer
Generally
speaking you can touch her almost anywhere and get a response if she fancies
you. But don't try it when she's just putting a cake into the oven. The Welsh
Princess says that's not a good time. And don't try it in the bathroom when she
is putting on her war paint and doing the fiddly bits around the eyes. Those are
pretty much the only no-go areas I can think of offhand.
Sex With A Tomato
Question
I was surprised
to read your attack on genetic engineering. Genetic engineering is merely
speeding up a normal process.
Answer
Genetic engineering is
normal if you think that it is normal for a fish to have sex with a tomato - and
for us to then eat the offspring.
Thoughtful Letter
Question
You are far too
ugly and old. You should be replaced by someone younger and better looking.
Answer
Thank you for your thoughtful letter of encouragement.
If you have specific reasons for your dissatisfaction I suggest that you
complain to the appropriate regulatory authority `Ofpis'.
`Ofpis', which I control, will ignore your
letter but will do so stylishly.
Squeaky Clean
Question
My husband gets
turned on every time he sees me down on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen
floor or cleaning out the cupboards. He seems to get especially turned on if I
am wearing an apron and rubber gloves at the time. I invariably end up with sore
knees.
Answer
Are you complaining or boasting? To make life
easier buy a pair of those kneepads that skateboarders wear. Alternatively, make
your own kneepads using bits of old cloth and nice pink ribbon.
A Big Fat Lie
Question
My friend always
says that inside every fat person there is a thin person trying to get out. I
don't understand this. I know I'm fat but I don't feel that I have a thin person
inside me wanting to get out.
Answer
There would be no room
for a thin person inside a fat person. Every last cubic centimetre of space
would be full of doughnuts, eclairs, chocolate biscuits, chips, fudge cake and
all the other goodies (but bad for you) that fat people love so much. The truth
is simple: inside every fat person there is no thin person trying to get out;
there's just a lot of food.
Noisy Love
Question
Is it normal for a
woman to make a lot of noise when making love? My new girlfriend shouts and
screams at the top of her voice. My neighbours have complained several times.
Can you suggest anything?
Answer
Move to an isolated country
cottage. Give up sex in favour of stamp collecting. Sound proof your bedroom
(bookshelves packed with books are the most effective way of doing this).
Persuade your girlfriend to moan and whimper rather than screech and shout. Give
your neighbours money to shut up and ignore the noise.
Sexist Pig
Question
You are a sexist
pig.
Answer
If you mean that I think that women are different
to men then you are quite right. (And vive la difference, say I.) You may be
interested to know that back in the days when it was possible to make mildly
sexist remarks without being placed in the stocks and stoned, W. C. Fields said:
`Women to me are like elephants. I like to look at them but I wouldn't want to
own one.'
A Way With Words
Question
How do you
decline a verb?
Answer
If you are polite you say: `That's very
kind of you, but no thank you. I've already got one.'
Something Fishy
Question
Why do people have
little metal fish signs on the backs of their cars?
Answer
My
advisors, Limp and Grimace, tell me that it is to show the world that they are
homosexuals. More strength to them, say I, if this be true. Congratulations to
them for their courage in baring their secret in this very public way.
Copyright Vernon Coleman 2011
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