Dr Vernon Coleman’s Dictionary for Discerning Readers (Highly Unsuitable for the Politically Correct, the Nervous and Members of the Entitlement Generation)

Dr Vernon Coleman MB ChB DSc FRSA

Here, for your education and entertainment, are a few new word definitions that haven’t yet found their way into either the OED or Webster’s Dictionary. After each definition I have shown whether the word is a verb (v) or a noun (n) and I have given an example of the word as it might be used in a sentence.

Blair (v): to blair is to deceive, to lie and cheat, usually for personal gain; e.g., ‘He blaired throughout his career and became a very rich man.’

Boris (n): someone who pretends to be a bumbling buffoon but is really a bumbling buffoon; e.g., ‘He pretended to be a fool and so not many people realised that he really was a complete Boris.’

Bono (n): an individual who tries to take the moral high ground but who is also accomplished in the art of tax avoidance; e.g., ‘He set up a shell company on the moon so that he could reduce his own taxes but campaigned enthusiastically for governments to spend more money on poor people; he was a right bono.’

Caldicot (v): to stick up for yourself and others; e.g., ‘She bravely fought hard for those whom she regarded as being oppressed or hard done by; she was a real caldicot’.

Cameron (n): a light weight; e.g., ‘He was forgotten about within weeks. He was nothing but a cameron.’

Celebrity (n): cf ‘twat’ and ‘twit’

Clegg (v): to destroy an organisation, particularly a political party, through a toxic mixture of deceit, pride, ambition, arrogance and incurable wetness e.g., ‘He used to run the UK’s Liberal party but clegged it into the ground’.

Clinton (v): a charming and smiling deceiver e.g., ‘He was a consummate political trickster, a real Clinton’.

Coleman (n): someone who is witty, wise and handsome and manages to make thinning hair and creaking joints appear fashionable; e.g., ‘His wisdom knew no bounds; he was a proper Coleman.’

Computer (n): something to blame when things go wrong; e.g., ‘It was the computer’s fault.’ ‘The computer is very slow today.’

Corbyn (n): someone who is completely out of touch with the real world; e.g., ‘He liked to pretend he was leader of the Labour Party but everyone knew this was nonsense and that in reality he was just a complete corbyn.’

Cruise (n): to search desperately and without embarrassment for publicity and acclaim e.g., ’He was a cruise; he would stand for hours outside a cinema looking for people with whom he could have his picture taken.’

Farage (v): to be better at something than the professionals; e.g., ‘The people loved him because he always managed to farage the establishment politicians.’

Fergie (n): a shameless, money grubbing hussy; e.g., ‘She was rich and well-connected but she always wanted more, she was quite a fergie.’

Geldof (n): a rich and sanctimonious individual who looks like a scarecrow; e.g., ‘He was scruffy and encouraged people to give money for good causes but he was a multimillionaire – what a Geldof!’

Goldmansachs (n): a crook with good connections; e.g., ‘He was never arrested because he knew the right people; he was a goldmansachs’.

Hillary (n): a sham, a charlatan; someone who pretends to be one thing but is seen to be someone quite different; e.g., ‘She pretended to be a woman of the people but was in fact a secret spokesperson for the great vampire squid that is Goldman Sachs.’

Hislop (n): a small, gnome like person who laughs a lot at his own jokes e.g., ‘He looked like a wart and thought himself hilarious; he was a complete hislop’.

Holiday snap (n) : A close up photograph of a megalomaniac’s visage with a small part of the Eiffel Tower (or some other notable monument) visible somewhere in the background; e.g., ‘He came back from his trip to Italy with 763 holiday snaps of himself.’

Karadashian(n): a self-obsessed woman with a bottom large enough to accommodate her ego; e.g., ‘She was a complete karadashian; she had an ego the size of Asia and her bum had its own postcode.’

Hamilton: a small, petulant child with a massive ego and silly hair; e.g., ‘He had hair by Mr Teasy Weasy’s nephew and drove like Mr Toad; he was a complete Hamilton.’

Ladygreen (n): someone who is widely loathed and despised; e.g., ‘She wrote a cookery book full of recipes for stewed babies and was considered a ladygreen by those who knew of her.’

Lilyallen (n): someone, male or female, who is tediously self-absorbed and crammed full of absurd and ill-informed prejudices; e.g., ‘He was quite out of touch and seemed as thick as a brick, a complete lillyallen.’

Lineker (v): to be rude about your fans and thereby lose them; e.g., ‘He used to be successful but he linekered himelf by selling his fans an unpleasant food product and calling them racists because they didn’t want to fill the country with unlimited numbers of 30-year-old children.’

Millenial (n): someone who is stupid and selfish but does not realise they are either let alone both e.g., ‘He was greedy, lazy and self-absorbed: a complete millenial’

Obama (n): a disappointment, a letdown; someone who promises much but delivers little (all mouth but no action); e.g., `When he first appeared on the scene some thought he was going to change the world for the better but in the end he turned out to be an Obama.’

Ozzie (n): someone who pretends to be scary but who loves kittens and rabbits; e.g., He tried to frighten the neighbour’s children by biting the heads of chocolate mice but no one was convinced; he was a total Ozzie.’

Remainer (n): a fascist who tells lies e.g., ‘He supported the EU, he was a remainer’.

Selfie(n): a photograph no one else wants to look at e.g., ‘While she was on holiday she bored her friends witless by sending them hundreds of selfies.’

Sturgeon (n): a politician who thinks he or he has more power than he or she really has e.g., ‘She thought she controlled the world but in reality she was just a sturgeon.’

Trump (v): to lie and boast successfully; to defy the experts; e.g., ‘The candidate exceeded all expectations and trumped the opposition.’

Tweet (n): a high pitched wheedling cry from a creature desperate for attention e.g., ‘She produced a desperate stream of tweets in her yearning to be noticed’.

Twit (n): a reader of a tweet; e.g., ‘He looked at his smart phone at least once every two minutes and everyone who knew him described him as a twit’.

Twat(n): a provider of tweets, e.g., ‘He sent a tweet every five minutes and as a result everyone knew he was a twat.’

Twitter(n): company built upon the ability to take advantage of the enormous egos of the entitlement generation (aka millenials); e.g., ‘The company rose from nowhere and returned to whence it had come without anyone ever really noticing; it was just another twitter’.

Wikileak (n); an Australian with the charm and personality of a urine sample e.g., he was the bore no one wanted at their party, a complete wiikileak.’

Wikipedia (n): a faux encyclopedia written by 14-year-olds for amusement and mischief (the modern equivalent of knocking on doors and running away); e.g., ‘The spotty boy regarded himself as an expert on everything and was one of the authors of the wikipedia website’

Willie (wet) (n): a whinger, named after Prince William who lives the life of Reilly but never stops moaning; e.g., ‘Willie had many homes and lots of servants (all paid for by someone else) but he thought it unfair that he was occasionally expected to open a cupboard or an envelope in public and even more unfair if anyone took a picture of him while he was doing it.’

Copyright Vernon Coleman
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