We Just Won World War III

by Vernon Coleman

So, it seems that politicians around the world are shocked and horrified that we have decided to leave Hitler’s bastard love child, the European Union, and make our own way in the world.

There has been much patronising nonsense talked and written about our decision to say ‘Auf Wiedersehen Herr Junket’ and to close our membership of a club we never asked to join.

(At the 1975 referendum, Britons thought they were joining a trade group. Heath, a liar and a traitor, fibbed and told us that it was nothing more than an agreement between separate nations who wanted to flog cars and cheese to one another. But that was never the plan. A series of treaties have turned the trade group into a quasi-federal state run by a bunch of rabid fascists.)

There have been some extraordinary comments about our decision not to renew our membership.

Take that well-known public figure Lord Hill, for example.

He was Britain’s big shot at the EU headquarters. Don’t laugh but he was there to represent the British people.

Lord Hill, who was made a European Commissioner for no reason that I could discern other than the fact that he was Cameron’s chum, has resigned from his post saying that ‘what is done cannot be undone’.


He makes it sound as if we spilt some paint or backed the car into the garage wall.

The British people made a brave and firm decision to pull out of the European Union. We didn’t do it by mistake or accident.

Actually, I think Hill has failed us miserably. Now that he has decided to resign, we are left without an EU Commissioner during the renegotiation period. We could have done with someone on the inside. Hill has been replaced by some geezer from Latvia.

Still, Hill probably would have been about as much use as a paper butter knife.

What was Hill before he became an EU Commissioner?

He was a political lobbyist and a PR consultant.

And what was his role at the European Union?

He was (wait for it) the European Commissioner for Financial Stability, Financial Services and Capital Markets Union.

Who the fuck put an ex-public relations yahoo in charge of the EU’s financial services?

Oh, that would be a deeply unpleasant nonentity called Jean-Claude Juncker who is one of the EU’s many highly paid presidents.

And what was Junket before he took to sneering at Britain and the British people?

Well, he was a politician in Luxembourg, that titchy little country which was famous in the 1950s for having a radio station which played pop music. The same country which now has a population roughly equivalent to the population of Cornwall and which is, and has been for years, jam packed with brass plates representing companies which want to avoid paying tax. (Not pop singer Bonio. The world famous hypocrite and dog biscuit has his tax avoidance company is based in the Netherlands which, like most places, is bigger than Luxembourg.)

When Herr Junket was Prime Minister of Cornwall (sorry, Luxembourg) his country offered tax deals to hundreds of companies around the world – some of which ended up paying tax rates as low as 1% or less. The EU later investigated the deals as illegal.

You won’t be surprised to hear that legal action duly followed.

It was not, however, the legal action you might have expected.

Junket remains one of the EU’s presidents on a salary of a zillion euros and all the seven course meals you can eat.

And Luxembourg still has brass plates fixed to all of its three trees.

But the whistle blowers who drew attention to the illegal activity ended up in court.

So that’s Junket: surely the most replaceable man in the world. The man is a twat. And the world has a plentiful supply of those.

And there are people who wondered why we left this bloody organisation?

Back in London an MP called David Lammy has urged Parliament to vote to overturn the will of the people and to reject the result of the referendum. The message seems to be: ‘Let’s ignore the will of the people. Let’s do what we want to do.’ Just what you’d expect from a modern ‘democracy’.

That should go down well with the 17,410,742 people who want to leave the EU (a clear majority of those who voted).

The Liberal Democrats have emerged blinking from the crypt wherein they had been hiding, and announced that at the next election they will campaign on the basis that they will lead Britain back into the darkness of the Eternal Junket. In an attempt to facilitate this absurdly impossible promise they will doubtless also promise to reduce the voting age to twelve.

A small army of halfwits have signed a petition calling for London to declare independence and remain in the EU. This will involve building a ‘Berlin type’ wall around London and a long, heavily patrolled motorway between the city and the coast. It is more likely that Mars will join the EU than that this will happen.

And a crowd of people have signed a petition demanding another referendum so that we can all have another go and get the right answer. (I was expecting this. The ‘let’s do it again and see if we can get it right next time’ is standard EU procedure when things don’t go according to plan.) If that referendum goes their way then there will be a third referendum until the nation runs out of materials on which to print ballot papers.

Bad losers are making things infinitely worse for everyone everywhere. The confusion created by Lammy et al will, I believe, result in chaos in the markets and, before long, lost jobs and wrecked pensions.

Oddest of all has been the attitude of the 18 to 25-year-olds who have been complaining that leaving the EU isn’t fair. And it is new and scary.

These are members of the ‘No Fear’ generation: the kids who advocate change and progress and who get terribly excited when Apple brings out a new watch. The generation who gets thrilled to the marrow when Crapchat produces a new App. This is the generation which boasts that it wants to ‘disrupt’ the world.

Well, kids, we old farts don’t just want a watch that tells us when we’ve got an email. We want to really change the world. We want to ‘kick some ass’ as they say. And when we want to disrupt the world we want to fucking well disrupt it.

The fury, determination and fearlessness of the old farts know no bounds and cannot be contained. In terms of our sovereignty we have just won World War III. We’re not going to let a few whingeing losers take away our victory.

And so we’ve said ‘auf wiedersehen’ to Herr Junket and his grubby little chums for ever.

‘Get over it.’

Isn’t that what the fearless illiterati say these days?

Copyright Vernon Coleman June 25th 2016

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P.P.S. More than 60 of Vernon Coleman’s books are available on Amazon as ebooks – all priced very reasonably. Books available include Vernon’s four best-selling diaries which are, in order of appearance: Diary of a Disgruntled Man; Just Another Bloody Year; Bugger off and Leave me Alone; Return of the Disgruntled Man.