Thank you so much, Comrade Starmer
Dr Vernon Coleman
The British Government has written to tell me that I have been awarded an additional 25 pence to add to my weekly State pension of £176.45.
(Those more familiar with American dollars will want to know that this is around $240 a week. Out of this I am expected to pay for accommodation, heating, lighting, insurance, food, clothing and everything else I need. This sum is considerably less than half the sum regarded as the minimum a human being needs to stay alive in Britain – which is £508.40 a week ($696 a week). Around two million pensioners in the UK have to choose between turning on any heating or eating. The plan is obviously to starve and freeze old people to death.)
In recognition of the fact that I am remorselessly approaching middle age, the astonishingly generous weekly bonus of 25 pence (around 34 cents) will be paid to me after my 80th birthday.
After the inevitable deductions (to help pay for genocidal lunatics to bomb people who have never done us any harm, to pay for hotel accommodation for people who hate the British, to provide funds for people who don’t fancy the idea of getting up in the morning and going to work, and to give an inflation busting pay rise to uncivil servants) I’ll be left with enough money to purchase:
Half a potato per week
Or
Two carrots per week
Or
Two spoonfuls of tomato soup per week
Or
Two spoonfuls of spaghetti hoops per week
Or
One hobnob biscuit per week
Each one of these delights will be mine every week. All I have to do is to live long enough to collect my 25 pence a week gross payment.
Thank you in advance, Comrade Starmer, for your pointless and patronising contribution to our weekly, household budget.
P.S. I never received that winter fuel allowance you promised. Maybe it’ll arrive in the summer.
Copyright Vernon Coleman February 2026
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