Christmas Carols that are Offensive and Should be Banned

Vernon Coleman

Any doubt I had that the world has gone completely bonkers disappeared when I heard someone complaining that ‘White Christmas’ should not be sung because it is a racist song.

The Christmas favourite is, apparently, racist because it has the word ‘ white’ in the title and is, therefore, inappropriate and unacceptable to those whose skin is not white or who prefer eating wholemeal bread or using brown envelopes.

There is, it seems, no end to the ability of some people to find offence in the simplest and most innocent of circumstances.

My wife, Antoinette, and I went through some of our best-known carols and decided that they are all potentially offensive. Here's our list:

‘I wish it could be Christmas every day’ – is offensive to those who cannot afford to have Christmas every day.

‘Rudolph the red nosed reindeer’ – is offensive to those suffering from acne rosacea and other disorders which cause reddening of the nose

‘Mistletoe and wine’ – is offensive to recovering alcoholics

‘Unto us a boy is born’ – is clearly sexist and also offensive to those suffering from fertility problems

‘Lonely this Christmas’ – is offensive to those who will be alone at Christmas

‘We wish you a merry Christmas’ – is offensive to those who are allergic to figgy pudding, which is mentioned in the song

‘Little donkey’ – is plainly sizeist

‘I saw Mummy kissing Santa’ – is offensive to those who are being cuckolded

‘Oh come all ye faithful’ – is offensive because it clearly discriminates against those who are not faithful

‘Blue Christmas’ – is offensive to those with circulatory disorders

‘Ding dong merrily on high’ – is offensive to drug addicts and their families

‘Silent night’ – is offensive to those who are deaf

‘The twelve days of Christmas’ – is offensive to those with numeracy issues

‘I believe in Father Christmas’ – is offensive to non-believers

‘Good King Wenceslas’ – is offensive to republicans

‘While shepherds watched their flocks – is offensive to those without flocks

‘Deck the halls’ – is clearly offensive to those without halls to deck

So there we are.

We would wish you all merry Christmas but we’re concerned about offending the miserable bastards who take offence at everything and who prefer to stay miserable at all times.

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