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I suspect that the beautiful Welsh Princess has always had more than a trace of hypochondriasis in her bones. But marrying a doctor has, I suspect, brought some new fears to the surface. This week she had suffered from 23 different diseases by Tuesday. The ones which caused most concern included a deep vein thrombosis, a dissecting aneurysm, a heart attack, pneumonia, perforated ulcer, septicaemia and a dental abscess. By Wednesday I had acquired a bad back as a result of lugging huge medical books from my study to the kitchen in an attempt to find the necessary reassurance. The Welsh Princess is, of course, by no means the only sufferer from hypochondriasis. Few disorders cause more anxiety today than the genuine fear that those inevitable aches and pains of daily life are underlying signs of something serious. Hypochondriasis is now endemic in our society - and likely to remain so. My guess is that at least one in four readers of this column will suffer from it in one degree or another. So, why is hypochondriasis so common in a world where medical information is more freely available than ever before? I suspect it is because many people have access to just enough information to enable them to worry - but not enough to convince them that there is nothing to worry about. Knowing half the story is dangerous - and a common cause of anxiety. In the early years of their course medical students always worry about their health. When I first started to study medicine - and began to learn about the human body, and what can go wrong with it - I had at least one fatal illness every week. And so did most of my colleagues. I seem to remember being convinced I was pregnant once. The more I learnt the less I worried. The lesson here is simple: those who are prone to hypochondriasis either need to know more or they need to know less. They either need to relax in total ignorance or to eradicate their fears by having access to all the facts. Since knowing less isn't usually a realistic option the only answer is to know more. In particular, it is vital to be able to put fears into perspective; it helps to know the relative risks of having a mild attack of flu or coming down with malaria. I always try to provide readers of this column with as much information as I can. And I have packed my website with plenty of free information about diseases and drugs. And now I must go. The Welsh Princess is certain she's got botulism. Copyright Vernon Coleman |
| Question I've cheated on my wife and I feel very guilty. What should I do. Answer I've consulted the Welsh Princess for a suitable punishment for you and she suggests that you be locked in a room with Darren Day, Lisa Riley, Rik Waller and Ruby Wax for a day. I doubt if you'll cheat again after that. Copyright Vernon Coleman |
| Question A woman I thought was my best friend recently betrayed me. She shared a secret she had promised not to tell anyone with my worst enemy. I can't believe I was so stupid as to trust her. Answer As the Welsh Princess once pointed out, friends can be more dangerous than enemies. After all, it is friends who know your secrets and your weaknesses. A good friend is the greatest gift you can have in this life. A disloyal friend is no friend at all. Loyalty is one of those things which only becomes really apparent with time. You can only be loyal by the way you behave and what you do (or don't do). Copyright Vernon Coleman |
| Question When I wouldn't go home with him a man I met in a club complained angrily that he had spent £7 buying me drinks. He genuinely seemed to think I should have gone to bed with him because he had spent a few quid on me. I was embarrassed but didn't know what to say. What should I have said? Answer You should have pulled £7 out of your handbag and thrown it at him. The style seems to be fast disappearing from courtship. The Welsh Princess tells me that when she was younger a youth in a club came up to her and said: `Would I be wasting my money if I bought you a drink?' Independent sources tell me that despite several operations his nose still looks slightly misshapen. Copyright Vernon Coleman |
| Question My friend refuses to listen to me when I tell her that she will get pregnant if her and her boyfriend continue to use the withdrawal method as a form of contraception. How do I make her listen to me? Answer Don't worry, she'll listen to you in nine months time. She'll listen to the baby too. The Welsh Princess wisely suggests that you take up knitting and that when your friend asks you what you're making, you tell her you're knitting some nice little bootees for her first-born. Copyright Vernon Coleman |
| Question My wife and I were recently stopped while going through Customs. They wanted to know what we were doing with so much wine. My wife managed to persuade them that what we were doing would improve our work rate, our earnings, and, therefore, the nation's balance of payments. She claimed that the wine we had in the boot would, in the long run, lead to increased prosperity for us all. Isn't female logic wonderful? Answer The adorable Welsh Princess regularly buys things from charity shops. She then walks round the corner and immediately donates the clothes she has bought to other charity shops. When I asked her why she did this she explained it to me very convincingly. Here's her argument: she pays the first charity shop £5 for a dress. She then gives that dress to a second charity shop, which sells it to someone else for £5. The total charity shop profit is £10. But she has only spent £5. So, somehow, she has managed to turn £5 of her money into £10 of charity shop money. If the Welsh Princess was Chancellor we'd all have jam on both sides of our cake. Copyright Vernon Coleman |
| Question I was recently admitted to a mental hospital and was shocked to discover that there was a camera in the bathroom. Surely this was an invasion of basic human rights? Answer It was a crass and obscene abuse of your rights. Britain has a Minister for Women and a Minister for Young People, though I have no idea which genetically engineered Blair Babes currently hold these posts. Neither women nor young people need protecting but, as the Welsh Princess points out, we do desperately need Ministers for the Elderly, the Mentally Ill and for Animals. Copyright Vernon Coleman |
| Question My wife and I have been having an argument. Are men or women better at DIY around the house? Answer I know very little about DIY. However, the Welsh Princess, who knows which end of a washer is up, insists that whereas men are undoubtedly better at filling in holes, women are far better at touching up. Copyright Vernon Coleman |
| Question Once a week, I go out at night and walk the streets in a dirty second-hand raincoat wearing nothing on underneath. I get a real sexual thrill out of doing this. My husband doesn't know about my `street-walking' because he works in the evenings. Do you think that what I'm doing is wrong? Answer I showed your letter to the Welsh Princess and I have to tell you that she was shocked that you would go out in a dirty raincoat. The fact that it is second-hand is of no consequence. But, please, there are standards to keep up. Having a dirty mind is one thing. But a dirty raincoat? Never. P.S. Do take care. There are some odd people around on the streets these days. Stick to well lit, populated areas if you must carry on with your semi-naked patrols. Copyright Vernon Coleman |
| Question A lot of men who write to you seem to be dominated by their women. I have no such problems. My wife knows who wears the trousers in this house. I just wanted to say that. But I must finish now. My wife is waving my pinafore. And I've got to iron her pyjamas and my pinafore after I've done the washing up. Answer Lovely to hear from you. Now I too must fly. The Welsh Princess wants me to put up a new ceiling, paint the car, wash the kettle and mend a new shelf. I wouldn't mind but I have to do all this while wearing her flouncy pink chiffon dress which doesn't fit me properly and just isn't my colour. Copyright Vernon Coleman |
| Question I took my best friend out for a meal to celebrate her twenty first birthday. Afterwards we went to the cinema and had a really nice time. But the evening was ruined when, on the way home, some thugs shouted at my friend and called her fat and ugly. My friend is very sensitive. She went home in tears and has been depressed ever since. She won't go out in the evenings any more. Answer What a vicious world this is becoming. And yet I'm not surprised. Occasionally, I switch on the TV set by accident and am appalled to see just how horrid people are to each other these days. Everyone on TV desperate to prove themselves nastier than everyone else. All this nastiness rubs off. Give your friend a big hug, tell her that the Welsh Princess and I think she's beautiful and ask her to go out with you next Saturday and have a spiffing time. If she stays in then she's letting the philistines win a round. We can't have that. I'm sending you a few pictures of Charles Darwin to help the evening go with a bang. Copyright Vernon Coleman |
| Question My husband has always helped around the house. Recently he has started to wear my aprons. He does not mind who sees him. I have offered to buy him a man's apron but he says he prefers mine. I have never seen a man anywhere else with an apron on. I think it looks very odd. Answer Who the hell cares? He likes wearing an apron. And you get your dusting done. I suspect that you are worried in case of the neighbours sees him. And that really is rather pathetic isn't it? What does it matter what other people think as long as you are both happy. Relax and enjoy. The Welsh Princess tells me that she would be very happy for me to wear an apron if I'd do the dusting. Sadly, I'm allergic to dust so I just wear the apron while she does the dusting. Copyright Vernon Coleman |
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`I don't know why I go to the trouble of putting myself down. Other people do it for me so much better.' The Welsh Princess |
| Question I'm 44, divorced and still single. I work hard during the week but like to enjoy my weekends. I go to clubs and pubs and date quite a lot. I have two children (one is 16 and the other 18) who still live with me. They are hardly ever at home but both disapprove of my going out and are constantly complaining about the clothes I choose to wear. They say I'm too old to wear short skirts or sexy blouses. I think they would prefer it if I stuck to a twinset and pearls. Answer Tell your impertinent, killjoy kids that you'll stay in and listen to Radio 3 if they will. The Welsh Princess suggests that you tell them you'll give them a veto over what you wear if they let you choose their clothes. That should shut them up. Copyright Vernon Coleman |
| Question Why do you think the Labour government is so opposed to marriage? Answer The Welsh Princess says she suspects it could be because a large proportion of Labour MPs and ministers are gay. I think she's right. Copyright Vernon Coleman |
| Question I was recently threatened with arrest for feeding the birds in my local park. The council has apparently made it illegal to feed the pigeons because they are considered to be a threat to the safety and security of the town. Answer When the Welsh Princess and I were threatened with arrest for feeding birds we told the man in a uniform that we were simply rather messy eaters and that the birds were kindly picking up the crumbs we had so carelessly dropped. He was so confused he went away and left us alone. Copyright Vernon Coleman |
| Question My wife and I are fans of yours. We think we saw you in Birmingham recently. Were you there just after Christmas? Answer No. I'm afraid not. However, the Welsh Princess and I were in a motorway service station one Sunday recently (buying a copy of The People) when another motorist picked up a copy of The People, opened it to my page, turned to the Welsh Princess and said: `Great column!' `He'll be pleased!' said the WP, nodding in my direction. `Does he read it too?' asked the man. `No, he writes it,' replied the WP. The man laughed uproariously, thinking this quite a good jape. Copyright Vernon Coleman |
| Question One of the big problems with our society is that lots of people simply aren't prepared to work. If more people were prepared to do their share then the world would be a much happier place. Answer Working hard doesn't necessarily make anyone happy or rich. If it did then most of the people leaving factory gates would do so with a big smile, driving a Rolls Royce. The key to material success is to work hard and smart. The Welsh Princess sensibly points out that the key to happiness is to enjoy the work you do so much that it stops being work. Copyright Vernon Coleman |
| Question How would you define bravery? Answer Anyone who does something that frightens them is brave. The Welsh Princess points out that under some circumstances going out into the street and walking to the corner shop can take more courage than single handedly holding off a regiment of enemy soldiers. Copyright Vernon Coleman |
| Question Could you please tell me where to touch a woman to turn her on? Answer Generally speaking you can touch her almost anywhere and get a response if she fancies you. But don't try it when she's just putting a cake into the oven. The Welsh Princess says that's not a good time. And don't try it in the bathroom when she is putting on her war paint and doing the fiddly bits around the eyes. Those are pretty much the only no-go areas I can think of offhand. Copyright Vernon Coleman |
| Question My girlfriend loves to be spanked. Have you ever come across this sort of thing before? Answer It is very common. The Welsh Princess reports that among women in the Bilbury Sewing Circle it is generally felt that the difference between a girl and a woman is that whereas a woman occasionally enjoys a little light spanking, girls regard all spanking as a punishment. Copyright Vernon Coleman |